A Sojourn with Severus Snape
by Marie Goos
Summary: The sequel to the Seduction of Severus Snape. Severus finds his summer interrupted by a certain irritating Ravenclaw. Long lost relatives, assassins, bank robberies, orgies... Gosh, how exhausting. Written PreHBP.
1. The Victim

Yay!!! Finally, A Sojourn with Severus Snape is up!!! CHAPTER NUMERO UNO!!! This chapter will answer some questions, such as: Why Severus suddenly brought Nadia over to shag, and why Draco and Harry showed up uninvited at Nadia's house, as well as who Draco left Remus for. Plus, Remus hits on that certain someone. A lot. And Trelawny goes Beckham on Nathanyel's ass.  
  
I made up the little adage in the beginning, and I was very proud of myself. Really.  
  
Disclaimer: J.K.'s going Snape-throwing-jars mode on my ass. FLAMING JAR OF COCKROACHES SUPER ATTACK!!!

* * *

****

**A Sojourn with Severus Snape**  
  
Chapter 1: The Victim  
  
_Love is never having to say you've got a headache._

_

* * *

_

SUMMER! Summer, summer, summer, _finally!_ Summer means peace, quiet, serenity, _solitude_. Summer means not having to deal with snot-nosed little brats every day of the week! Summer means that I am rid of meddling, insufferable Ravenclaws! Summer!

Now that I've vented my relief... A moment to display my frustration.

Over the past few days, despite summer looming ever closer, I have gradually come to the conclusion that I am _doomed_. My life is coming to an end. And it's all _his_ fault. That bastard. I'll kill him. I'll- I'll- I'LL RIP HIS NIPPLES OFF!! Well, maybe not something so extreme. But... You know.

The nerve of him, though! Prancing about with that goofy grin on his face... "Severus, what are you waiting for?" And "My little Sevvie-kins is all grown up!" I HATE HIM!! Life debt my fucking arse! Pardon my language. I usually _never_ swear.

When I arrived home, I'd thought I would be able to have some peace. The girl had gotten her kiss, she was off home, and I was free. Then _he_ came. Or, more like, was standing in the entrance hall as I walked in. "Hullo, Sev." I hate it when he's falsely pleasant like that.

"No." Then I made my way up the stairs.

"I haven't asked you for anything." Merlin, he was following me.

"Ask me, then."

"Severus, would you make wild, passionate love to me?" I turned to glare at him.

"Get out of my house."

"Oh, come on, Sev. You know-"

"Nathanyel! _NO!_ I am _not_ discussing this!"

"Alright... I'll help you unpack!" And he bounded up the stairs. Argh.

"We won't speak of Nadia," I warned. He opened his mouth to say something, but I silenced him. "Not a word." He shrugged, then bounded down the hallway to the bedroom. What did I do to deserve this? _What?_ Well, aside from the murder, treachery, and prostitutes...

Unpacking with Nathanyel was far from pleasant. Well, it wasn't _extremely_ horrible, but... "Heehee, nice undies." He held up my most embarrassing pair of pants (rainbows- they were a gift!) then pulled them on over his trousers.

"Take those off!"

"Oh, I feel so pretty!"

"Like yours are any better," I grumbled.

"Nope." He reached into his trousers and pulled out the edge of what looked like pink silk knickers. "But _I'm_ not embarrassed." then he winked. "They make me feel sexy." See? I've always said he's an intolerable flirt.

"Fine, go ahead and feel sexy, but don't involve me."

"As if I would." He rolled his eyes.

"Arse."

"Cock lover."

"Barmy bastard."

"Fiery Latino lover."

"I am _not_ Latino."

"Oh, I beg to differ, _Alfonso_." I growled at him.

"Enough! I need to unpack." He grinned at me.

"_Unpack_."

"For Merlin's sake, get your mind out of the gutter!"

"Speaking of gutters, I was in Draco's the other night-"

"Shut up!" I could feel my jaw twitching.

"Sorry... I just like to get you all flustered." He grinned sheepishly.

"As long as you don't mention Potter-"

"He's really come along with his blow jobs."

"You... Are... _Disgusting_. And why is everyone I know gay?"

"Harry isn't gay, he's bisexual. There's a difference."

"Yeah, wider selection."

"Eh. You know I don't care, either way." I glared at him.

"You're a pervert." He chuckled a bit.

"You'd better believe it."

"I don't want to hear about your gross love life, you pervy little wanker."

"What about you? Dating my daughter, now _that's_ gross and pervy."

"I am _NOT_ dating her! I've just barely gotten away from her!"

"But you're engaged."

"_Because of YOU!!_"

"...True." I wanted to punch him. In the _boob_.

"You're an idiot." But I settled for name-calling.

"You know I love you." He smiled warmly and patted my hand. "So I forgive you for your insolence."

"I hate you so much right now."

"Good. You're supposed to." He leaned over and nuzzled me under the chin like a cat. "Pet me."

"You're a weirdo." But I pet him, all the same. He'd whine if I didn't, and I've gotten used to it. "Grow up."

"I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys 'R Us kid."

"Just shut up and unpack."

"Heh... _Unpack_."

"Go!" I really can't stand him sometimes. But, of course, then he was acting like a wounded puppy for the next fifteen minutes straight; he is so _unbearable_. "Fine! We'll talk!"

"Really?"

"Yes." I really need to go shopping for new pants. "So how's the divorce coming along?"

"Rather more smoothly than I'd expected. Miriam's getting the house, of course. It's about time I found someplace new, anyway. Haven't told Nadia, yet, obviously... But there's plenty of time for that."

"Right. You're an arse." He shrugged. "And Jack the lawyer?"

"Jack-arse, you mean? Alright, I suppose. Miriam's been spoon-feeding her little pet some cock-and-bull story about the divorce being delayed and so-on. You know what? I think he's just _dying_ for it. He wants my car, I can tell. I saw him eyeing her up, you know, and I won't stand for it! I swear, if she just _tries_ to get ahold of-"

"Nathanyel. Shut up about your fucking car. I swear, one would think you had sex with the thing!"

"Maybe I do."

"...You're disgusting."

"Speaking of sex, Draco's been rather anxious, lately. I think he and Harry are trying to compete. It's rather sweet, once you get past the irritating bit."

"Didn't Draco leave Lupin for you?" He bit his lip. It was about time I retaliated.

"If I'd known..."

"Don't feel guilty," I interjected. "Lupin's got a boner for _you_, anyway."

"No he hasn't," Nathanyel argued, perfectly oblivious to his inaccuracy.

"Oh, yes he has," I argued. "He practically drools all over the front of his robes every time you walk in the room. It's actually rather revolting."

"Shut up, you know that's not true."

"It is _so_ true." I love fighting with him over this. "If he had his way, he'd jump you and start humping away, the mutt."

"Don't insult him," Nathanyel scolded. "He's a very nice person, and you know it."

"I'll only admit that Lupin's a nice person when you admit that he wants to fuck your brains out."

"Severus," he warned.

"Stuff you like a Christmas turkey."

"Severus..."

"Go at it like rabbits- or _wolves_, in this case."

"That's enough! You _know_ Remus doesn't want to shag me, so just stop it."

"Right, so I've just been telling you this for over twenty years because it turns me on."

"Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised." I paused to glare at him. "Now, drop the subject." Alright, new subject, then.

"...What does ghetto-fabulous mean?"

"...Pardon?"

"The students say it all the time, now." He raised his eyebrows, then started sniggering.

"Say it again!"

"Ghetto-fabulous."

"Heeheehee! Again!"

"I'm not saying it again!" He just kept laughing. Argh, irritating little bint.

"Fine, don't say it. I don't care. We can just discuss your pending relationship with-"

"GHETTO-FABULOUS!!!" I did _not_ want to talk about that.

"So, anyway... When are you going to get it over with?"

"_Soon_."

"I'll be writing."

"I'm aware of that."

It was a few days later, and I was enjoying the first decent breakfast I'd had since my return home, when Nathanyel stormed into my kitchen, absolutely seething. I supposed that it was in response to the last letter I'd sent him. He had written, as promised, and I'd written back. Though, I didn't write very encouraging things. Nathanyel, meanwhile, had been encouraging me to invite Nadia over, maybe spend some time with her, possibly get married. Each time I responded with a letter full of excuses, but I suppose my latest reply had been the last straw. I stated within it that Nadia would probably end up hating me, anyway, and that besides the point, I didn't have time for such silly endeavors.

So, it was with a vengeance that he appeared in my kitchen that morning, which I usually took my meals in, since I saw no point in using the dining room when I lived alone. "SEVERUS ALFONSO SNAPE!!!" he bellowed, his tone beyond rage. I winced at the use of my abomination of a middle name. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?" I flinched again; I didn't like it when Nathanyel swore like that, and it was _not_ a good sign. With flashing eyes, tightly balled fists and a face that was tinged pink with anger, he indeed looked menacing, almost looming, despite the daisy chain that sat atop his head like a crown and the yellow pajamas with dancing pandas on them. He prowled forward to the table, and with one swipe cleared it of my breakfast, the dishes shattering on the floor as he slammed the letter down before me. I looked from his continually reddening face to the letter, then back again, slowly chewing the bit of egg that had been in my mouth when he'd apparated. Swallowing loudly, but still managing to look as calm as ever, I answered him.

"A letter." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Don't play games with me," he said in a forcibly quieted voice, quavering with suppressed rage. "I've sold crack to twelve-year-olds, and I blatantly steal from the Minister of Magic himself. I am not one to play games with."

"I know these things, already," I replied. "But I can't quite understand what you're so angry about that you had to go and ruin my breakfast." A lesser man would have quelled under the furious look he gave me, but I stood my ground. Or, rather, sat my ground... Never mind.

"You... Nadia... No... Daisies..." he managed to work out between clenched teeth before he straightened himself, took a deep, calming breath, and fixed the daisy chain, which had been sliding off his head. "No more excuses, no more letters like- like _that_." He pointed an accusing finger at the letter before he continued. "I will not have you breaking my daughter's heart simply because you're _afraid_." I started to protest, but he interrupted me. "Shut it, bitch. You _are_ afraid, though I can't imagine why. Just write a sodding letter to the girl and invite her over! Merlin's beard, you're such a bitter, cowardly bastard!"

"I am _not_ a coward!" I interjected, standing up.

"Then prove it!" he shot back. "Take a chance for once in your miserable, withered love life and at least _try_ to have a relationship! Good lord, I can't do _everything_ for you!" I could have punched him out; it was _he_ who had taken it upon himself to do everything in my love life for me. I'd never asked him for any of this!

"I can't," I replied, trying to express what was going through my mind. I failed, by the way. "I just... I can't." He sighed, his shoulders slumping as he looked at me with soft, pleading eyes. He hesitated a moment, then inclined his head a bit.

"Severus," he murmured in utter sincerity. "She _loves_ you."

"No she doesn't," I snapped back. "She only thinks she does."

"She loves you." His tone was the same, though he was being rather insistent. "She's not herself without you. I don't know... I don't know what to do. I keep telling her it's alright, but she won't listen. She _can't_ listen. All she can do is think of you, all the time." He suddenly narrowed his eyes at me. "And you're hurting her."

"Nathanyel, I don't mean to hurt her-"

"But you don't mean to make her any better, either!"

"How can I?" I threw my hands in the air. "You want me to just run off and marry the girl-"

"Not yet, no." I paused. What was this, now? "Just give it a chance. I know you're afraid. Just let her in. Try to feel something. _Please_. I'm begging you. As a friend."

"Nathanyel..." I rubbed my temples as a migraine started to develop. "...I _do_ feel something." Like irritation. He looked at me as if I'd just told him Christmas was coming early.

"So you'll try?"

"I'll try." What am I getting myself into?

"That's..." He sighed, grinning. "That's wonderful." And then he hugged me. Well, that would be a bit of an understatement. More like he tackled me, hanging off of me like a hyperactive child, and placed his daisy chain atop my head.

"Alright, alright, get off of me. I've got things to do, you know."

"Ooh, really? Can I come?" I rolled my eyes.

"What about work? Aren't you supposed to be an obsessive workaholic?"

"Yes. But I could use a day off."

"Wonderful. Grocery shopping with a man in panda pajamas." Nathanyel just grinned.

"I'll borrow your clothes." And he was off upstairs, without even asking my permission. That busybody. And, of course, he came down in my oldest set of robes; it was the most lurid shade of lime green. Why do my relatives have such horrible taste? They always give bad gifts.

"Well, at least I don't need to worry about you ruining them."

"I've always loved this set. It's so... Muggle-ish."

"Sure. Whatever you say. May we go, now?"

"As you wish!" I really shouldn't feel so malicious towards him. But... The sheer absurdity of his presence is almost as blinding as the color of those robes. "Groceries, wheeeee!" Running down the road with his arms stretched out and making sounds along the lines of "vroooom!" People were staring, for Merlin's sake.

"Calm down!" I snapped. "You're like an over-excited child." Even when he was acting normal, he attracted stares with those horrid robes. We're lucky we got to the market without being stopped by some crazy old bag lady asking for change. Of course, the worst part of the day was actually _getting_ to the market. Mostly because Lupin was there, apparently "scoping some booty," as Nathanyel would put it.

"Remus!" NO.

"Hm?" Lupin looked over at us and smiled. Ugh, I hate him. "Oh, hello."

"What are you doing here?"

"Nothing much, just practicing pick-up lines." Somebody kill him. Now.

"That's nice."

"Mhm. So, how's the wife?"

"Oh, you know, same as usual." Nathanyel shrugged. "Kicked me out of bed, so on."

"The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor." Utter silence. "I'm kidding, of course!" Lupin laughed nervously.

"Er... Right." Nathanyel laughed a bit, too. "Practice, then?"

"...Yes."

"So, anything new?"

"Nothing much, I've just been looking for a new place. It's been a bit difficult, but... Well, you know." He shrugged. Right, the werewolf thing would probably inhibit any sort of transaction. "You and Severus must have been busy."

"Oh, yes," Nathanyel spoke up. "Severus and Nadia-" I stepped on his foot. _Hard_. "Ow! Well, the situation's under control." The conversation fell dead for a few moments, awkward silence dominating the scene. "So. We should make plans."

"Oh, yes, definitely." There was a short pause. "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"

"Sure! I'll drop by around seven tomorrow, then?"

"Er... Right. Sure."

"Sounds lovely." Nathanyel beamed at him, obviously quite pleased with himself.

"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"

"No, I was smiling."

"Merlin, you're making this difficult."

"What? Maybe it's the robes, they're awfully bright."

"..."

"Oh, just say it," I muttered to Lupin.

"Anything would look good on you." We both waited with baited breath.

"Oh, thanks!" Nathanyel chirped. "Same to you!"

"...I give up. I really do."

"You should probably just go," I told him.

"I've got a lot of things to do today, anyway. I'll see you both later."

"Bye, Remus!" Nathanyel is far too cheerful, sometimes. A lot of the time. "It's always nice to talk to Remus," he sighed as we walked off. I rolled my eyes.

"He was hitting on you," I informed him.

"No he wasn't. Remus just likes to joke like that." He's got denial up the wazoo.

"Those pick-up lines were really lame, anyway."

"I know a good one that always works for me." I raised my eyebrows. "Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear."

"That's idiotic. Oh, strawberries are half off!" I am _not_ a mother.

"You're such a mother." I snorted. "Actually, you're more of a MILF."

"Oh, shut up." The bastard.

"Ooh, plantains! Let's make fried plantains, Severus!" He grabbed them without waiting for an answer.

"Those are expensive."

"Don't be so cheap." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, well, well! Severus, imagine seeing you here!" Merlin, first Lupin, now Albus. And Minerva, too. I should have expected them to be grocery shopping together.

"Hello, Albus. Minerva."

"Good day, Albus," Nathanyel greeted. "Looking fantastic, as always, Minerva." He wriggled his eyebrows growled at her. I backhanded him.

"Thank you, Severus." She eyed Nathanyel warily. "I'd stay away from the meat section, if I were you. Sibyl's over there, trying to use her 'inner eye' to foresee a discount on pork tenderloin."

"I'm reporting you to the Ministry for domestic violence," Nathanyel muttered, rubbing his head.

"Shut up before I beat you. Anyway, Albus, is there any particular reason for this encounter, or may we move on?"

"No, no, just wanted to say hello. Have a nice day, the both of you."

"Same," I muttered. "Nathanyel!" He was making eyes at Minerva again. And I think Albus, too. "Come!"

"Alright, bye then!" He followed me dutifully.

"Why the hell do you always hit on her?" I hissed. "Do you have an old person fetish or something?" He sniggered a bit.

"I just like the way it freaks her out. I think it's funny."

"You're so... Gross."

"Your arse looks sexy in those robes." I backhanded him again. "Christ, I complement you and I get a smack in the head. You'd think-"

"I sense an aura of danger drawing near!" Oh, no. Sybil Trelawny. Swooping up to us. "Severus, I feel the presence of the Grim lingering around you!" I was about to say something sarcastic to her, when Nathanyel suddenly made a choking sound and threw himself to the floor. He writhed about for a bit, making hideous faces, before lying still with his tongue hanging out. She glared at him a moment before snorting and dropping her fake mystical tone. "Oh, please. You always were an arsehole!" She kicked him once in the ribs before storming off.

"Thanks, Nathanyel," I sighed.

"Just taking one for the team," he groaned, standing up. "Damn, that woman can kick. She should get into football. Bend it like Beckham, eh?"

"I've no idea what you're talking about."

"Pshhh... Oh, oh, oh! Pork shoulder butt!" And he ran off.

Like I said. Grocery shopping with Nathanyel... Not for the easily embarrassed. Usually quite painful. Luckily, he really _is_ a workaholic, and left me alone soon enough. I let him keep the robes.

After that particular incident, I had been hoping for no more intrusions. However, privacy is a privilege that I have never been afforded.

I shuffled downstairs after a cold shower, which, contrary to popular belief, neither woke me up nor got rid of my morning boner. Which was rather frustrating. So, I felt like eating something, and was in the process of pulling on my dressing gown (and _only_ my dressing gown) when I heard noise coming from the kitchen. Slipping my hand into my pocket, I cautiously descended the rest of the stairs and stalked across the hallway, peering around the corner into the kitchen. And then I groaned.

Nathanyel was sitting at the table, reading a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ and calmly sipping a glass of orange juice, a plate of pancakes and eggs before him on the table. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked irritably, stepping into the kitchen.

"Good morning, lovely," he answered simply. "Glad to see you up so early. Hungry?" He indicated the seat across from him, at which there was a breakfast identical to his, except that I had eggs benedict on mine. My favorite.

"Alright, what's going on?" I asked cautiously, sitting down across from him. He neatly folded the newspaper, setting it aside and folding his hands in front of him, smiling at me.

"Have a bite to eat," he encouraged. "I made it all myself." I was wary at first, but then I remembered that there was no way he'd ever poison me, considering how much he wanted me to marry Nadia. So, I ate. And it was absolutely delicious. "Good?" I nodded, my mouth full. "Excellent. Do you know what else is excellent, Severus?" I gave him a questioning look, puzzled by his visit and even more puzzled by his topic of conversation. "That you kissed Nadia." Then I sprayed food all across the table. Still smiling, Nathanyel wiped some half-masticated egg from his eyes and continued. "It's funny that you never mentioned it to me. It sort of makes me wonder why you would keep that to yourself. Perhaps you would like to tell me?" As he spoke, he pulled his wand from his robes (which were inside out) and cleaned my breakfast off of himself.

"Well... Er... It just slipped my mind." I used my wand to clean off the table top, then wiped my mouth with a napkin.

"Really? Well, it didn't slip Nadia's mind. She told me yesterday." I remained silent. "I think she only kept it to herself for so long because she was unsure of how I would react. Perhaps that's why you decided not to tell me?"

"Perhaps," I answered tersely. "Besides that, it was nothing, really. And it isn't as if I just ran up to her and shoved my tongue in her mouth." Nathanyel looked slightly disappointed.

"Alright, so tell me about it." He leaned back and looked at me expectantly.

"Well... It was the last day, and the carriages were coming around to pick up all the little brats- I mean, students. She just showed up out of nowhere and gave me a journal of sorts, and then asked me to kiss her. You know, a goodbye kiss. I think she was fairly sure that she'd never see me again." Nathanyel nodded.

"Yes, she's positive about that. It's a good thing she's wrong." He grinned.

"Right. Well, anyway, I thought I'd humor her, so I gave her a little peck on the lips."

"...And?" Apparently he wanted details.

"And... She nearly fell over."

"Aw! She's smitten!" He seemed far too happy about this for comfort.

"Indeed. And then I walked away. The end."

"So what about that journal? She never told me she had a journal." I colored considerably; that journal was an extremely embarrassing book that I'd hoped never to share with another living soul. However, when Nathanyel wants something, he gets it. That's just the way he is. Insistent.

"Yes, well... It's nothing. Just, you know, the usual things."

"May I see it?" He raised an eyebrow at me, his back straight and his mouth set in a rigid line. I could tell he was mocking me.

"Fine. And wipe that look off your face!" I led him to my study, where I grabbed the journal from the bottom drawer of my desk and handed it over. "There." He looked at it, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. After a bit, he calmed down enough to speak.

"_'The Seduction of Severus Snape?'_" He breathed. "Well, I daresay it worked well enough, wouldn't you agree, Severus?" I only grunted as I watched him skim through the journal, flipping through the pages. He stopped at one particular point and stared, eyes wide. After a moment, he looked up at me with his eyebrows so high that they disappeared behind his fringe. "She did _that_ with the Creevey boy?" I nodded. "They're not still-"

"No. Apparently, he was jealous of me." Nathanyel let out a short laugh.

"Hm, so he's joined the many hordes."

"Harhar."

"Indeed." He continued to flip through the book, then stopped at a point at the very back, only a couple of pages from the end, a warm smile spreading across his face.

"What are you reading about?"

"The kiss."

"...Oh." That explains it. After a bit, he shut the journal and handed it back to me, still smiling. Taking a deep breath, he drew me into a tight hug.

"This is so wonderful," he muttered happily. "I just know you'll be happy with her." I only sighed. "Talk to her soon, alright? I don't think I could stand her moping another _day_."

"Alright, I will. I promise." Why the hell did I _promise?_ Argh. I just hope that I won't end up getting pounded, frozen, starved, and stabbed again... If I have to go through that kind of thing again, then wizards' debt be damned, I'm getting as far away from that girl as possible.

"Thanks." Nathanyel let me go, patting me on the arms with a huge grin on his face. "Well, I have to be getting to work, now. I'll see you later." And with a wink he disapparated. I thought I had apparition wards up? Perhaps they're crumbling... They _are_ rather old. Or perhaps he'll arrive at work splinched. He'd probably enjoy that.

Nathanyel is so creepy.

Finally given some peace, I was able to do what I love best: absolutely nothing. Lazing about is one of the greatest pleasures in life, aside from afternoon naps. Absolute rapture.

"Wake up, sleeping beauty!" Grimacing, I slowly opened one eye, only to have a dirty, nasty old feather shoved in my face.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I got you a portkey," Nathanyel informed me. "Just in case." I glared at him.

"Do you actually _want_ me to fuck your daughter?" He frowned a bit and wrinkled his nose.

"Gross, no. But you could at least bring her over for a talk. You can't put this off forever, you know." I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, yes. I'll talk to the bloody girl. Now, leave me to my nap." I rolled over, intending to get in at least another hour of solid napping, when I felt a weight settle on my back. "Get. Off. Of. Me."

"Not until I see you write a letter."

"I can't with you on me!" As soon as he got up, I summoned an envelope, stuffed the feather inside, and sealed it. "There! Now go away!"

"I'll take it to the post office on my way to the Three Broomsticks!" he replied jovially, plucking it out of my hand.

"What are you going to the Three Broomsticks for?"

"I'm meeting Remus. He wanted to have a drink."

"I see. Laying out his careful plan of seduction, is he?"

"Remus is _not_ trying to seduce me," he huffed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've every intention of getting completely pissed. Good day to you, sir."

"What's so good about it?" He ignored me, of course. That line is overused, anyway.

I had thought my summer would be a time of relaxation.

But I was wrong.

The real disaster struck when I found _her_ in my bedroom, late one night. I was a bit surprised to see her there, frankly. I hadn't expected her to arrive at night; the owl had taken longer to deliver the portkey than I'd anticipated. My original intention was to sit down with a drink or two and calmly discuss possible future arrangements. If I could have managed to keep her calm for more than five minutes, that is. However, since it was so late, and I'd had a hard-on, anyway... Well, I just thought, "Why the fuck not? I could use some sex."

Call it what you wish, but _she_ seemed to enjoy it an awful lot. Although, I could have lived a happy life without having been called "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore." _Eurgh_. Either way, it was fun. She isn't so bad, for someone so inexperienced. Very creative. I was quite surprised to find that I had a good time. And even drifting off to her telling me that ridiculous gay pirate story again wasn't so bad.

Waking up with a silencing charm, however, was _not _enjoyable.

* * *

Well, there's chapter one for you. I hope you liked it. Next chapter is the day after, from Nadia's point of view. (Maybe a little Sev POV.) Nathanyel's very proud of his iddy biddy widdle girl. And Miriam's having a nervous breakdown. Heehee. Plus Severus reveals his true intentions to Nadia. Other than that... I'm thinking I'll just wing it.  
  
Remus/Nathanyel/Draco/Harry foursome forever!! Whoooo!  
  
...  
  
Fine. I guess I'll just sail that ship all on my own. Hmph.


	2. I Don't Have to Like You to Shag You

Note: Nathanyel isn't gay. "Eh. You know I don't care, either way." In other words... He'll be having ahem relations with women in the future.  
  
Anyway, this chapter... Well, the title is sort of self-explanatory. And I've decided to make up adages about love and put them at the beginning of each chapter. Because I am SO cool. Alright, move on.  
  
Sorry for taking so long with this chapter, but my computer broke. :'(. Sad. But I'm done now and I have a new computer.  
  
Disclaimer: Cruisin' with ma bitches and ho's.

* * *

Chapter 2: I Don't Have to Like You to Shag You

Love is blind. It sits on the street and begs you for change, and eventually you give in. Then you end up broke and full of herpes.

* * *

I've always dreamed of waking up peacefully in bed with Severus Snape sound asleep beside me, warm sunlight filtering through the window... However, apparently dreams aren't meant to come true. "Ouch!" I woke up to something tapping me. Hard.

It was Sevums. Obviously, he didn't enjoy being under the influence of the silencing spell, and wanted it removed immediately. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my wand and lifted the charm. He glared at me. "I hate you."

"You too, love," I yawned, rolling onto my side. I knew I wouldn't be getting back to sleep any time soon. "So... What now? Was this just... One night stand? Or what?" He stretched, looking... Just sexy.

"I've got some chores to run today, so since I doubt you'll find that very riveting, I suggest you spend the day packing your things." I was... Stunned. Shocked. Orgasming.

"I'm moving in with you, then?"

"For the summer."

"...You're so sexy." And I actually said it aloud! Yay!

"Apparently so."

"Alright." We just lay there for a while. "...I'm going to suck your nipples now."

"Knock yourself out." So I did.

"Okay, I'm done now. I need to pee."

"That was rather bland." I shrugged and went to pee. And then he walked in and brushed his teeth while I was peeing and stuff. And we shared the sink. I felt kind of like a couple.

"Oh, fucker."

"What?"

"I just realized that I'm getting my period in just over a week."

"I don't mind." He grabbed an elastic band from the medicine cabinet and pulled his hair back, yawning.

"Sun kissed chocolate nipples."

"Please. Don't use that phrase in my presence." He leaned over and kissed me, then left the bathroom. It felt like such a dream. So I washed up and emerged feeling refreshed, and very naked. Mostly because he was dressed by then.

"Are you sure you don't want to come back with me?"

"There is no way in hell. I hate your mother." He leaned down to tie his shoes.

"Oh, come on. I'm sure you're just exaggerating."

"Hmmm... No. She's a raging beast. I'm not sure I could stand spending five minutes in her presence without tearing her hair out."

"Fine. I guess the sooner the better, then. Are there apparition wards around the house?"

"Yes."

"Alright." I ran and jumped in his lap, then shoved my tongue down his throat. I enjoyed it very much. "And I need to use your clothing. Mostly because I have none."

"There are shirts and trousers in the chest of drawers. I trust you haven't managed to lose your underwear?"

"I'll find it." True to my word, I found it. When I was dressed, I kissed him goodbye and left, apparating back to my house. I was aiming for my room, but I ended up in the backyard. Oh well. I guess I need more practice. So, I entered the house... To see my parents eating breakfast. Well, my dad was eating breakfast. My mum was having a nervous breakdown.

"Nadia!" she cried, running over to me and pulling me into a hug. "Where _were_ you!?"

"I told you already," Dad sighed, "she was at her lover's house all night."

"Nathanyel! This is no joking matter!" I rolled my eyes.

"He's right, mum. I'm moving out."

"...You're what?"

"Congratulations!" Dad exclaimed. "Didn't I tell you everything would work out fine?"

"Yes, Dad." He ran up and gave me a hug, as well. "Thanks."

"You're moving out?" Mum asked. "Just like that?"

"Mum, you _know_ I've been meaning to find a place."

"I thought you'd give more notice!"

"Don't worry. After I'm settled in, I'll come visit."

"I don't want you moving in with some horny teenager!" She seemed upset, for some reason.

"Don't worry. I'm moving in with a horny _adult_. My former professor."

"WHAT!?"

"He's very responsible, he has a job, a big house-"

"And he's filthy rich," Dad added.

"Plus he's got a brain," I informed her. "And we have a lot more in common than you'd expect. Anyway, I've got to pack!"

"I'll help!" Dad said, following me to my room. Mum just sat down at the kitchen table and muttered to herself. And as soon as I closed the door-

"So what's the skinny?" I blinked.

"The skinny?"

"Was it good?" He winked.

"Oh, Dad, don't be gross! And yes, it was _very_ good. If... Awkward. And I don't think he appreciated my little nickname for him." He raised an eyebrow. "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore."

"Damn. You really _are_ my daughter." He hugged me again. "Are you happy?"

"Delirious."

"I'm glad." He grinned.

"Why do you think he wants me to move in? I mean, it's happening so fast."

"Severus doesn't like to leave loose ends," Dad replied. "And he likes to move fast."

"Apparently." With Dad helping, packing was a lot easier, and faster. Not to mention fun. I've always thought we had a good relationship. When I was done, though... The room just looked so empty. And it hit me that I was leaving the nest. It was sad... And a little scary. But I was excited. I could hardly believe that it was actually happening. "I'll miss this house," I sighed.

"I'll miss you," Dad replied. "You've really grown up." He pulled me into another hug. "I'm happy for you, dearest."

"Thanks. Er... Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Could you help me... Get settled in? I mean... That is I'm sort of..."

"Lost?"

"Yes." I took some time out to hug him... Again.

"It's like only yesterday you were just learning to ride a bicycle... Now you're moving out..." There was an ominous sniff.

"Don't you dare."

"I won't. Promise." After Dad calmed down, we left.

We arrived at "Snape Manor" (teehee) in a timely fashion, carrying my belongings along with us. The house looked a lot bigger than it did before. "Wow." Dad leaned toward me.

"Home," he muttered in my ear. Home? For the summer, at least. It was... Weird. Like a really demented fantasy come true.

"This is getting really creepy. Let's just go inside."

"Fine, lead the way."

"I will." And I walked inside. "...Er..."

"You don't know where to go, do you?"

"Shut up."

"Let's go," he sighed, stepping in front of me to lead me to... Wherever. "This is the guest room." It was across the hall from... Severus' (squee!) room.

"Wait... Why the guest room?"

"Because you are a guest. Besides, have you heard him snore?" I laughed.

"Alright... Then I get to redecorate it." Dad shrugged as he led me into the dimly lit room.

"You'll have to take that up with Sevviepoo." I snorted.

"Like he could stop me." Dad only smiled at me and started unpacking.

"Right. Well, what are you planning to do tod- Are those my knickers?"

"...Gross. Take them."

"Hmph." He shoved them in his pocket. "Apparently, they weren't so gross when you packed them in your trunk."

"Well, I wasn't looking! Mum must have put them in my drawer because she thought they were mine."

"Tch." We both spun around to see Severus (heehee!) standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing back so early?" I asked.

"Watching you berate you father for wearing women's underclothes. and picking up my shopping list." He held up a slip of paper.

"Everybody hates me because I like pretty knickers," Dad muttered sullenly.

"Yup," I agreed. "So where are you going?"

"The apothecary and the bakery."

"...Excuse me?"

"He said he was going to the bakery like a sissy girl," Dad clarified.

"The _bakery?_"

"Don't criticize me." With that, he turned on his heel and left.

"He is such a Draco," I sighed.

"I know... Do you actually wear this thing?" Dad was holding up my fancy red thong.

"_Yes!_" I snatched it away from him. "And you can't have it!" He pouted. You know, sometimes it actually scares me, how well I know my Dad. And how comfortable I am with that.

"Guess what."

"What?" I hauled my typewriter out of the trunk.

"I got a raise." And dropped it.

"_What?_"

"I know, surprising. And guess why."

"Why?"

"No more Fudge!"

"_No way!_"

"_Yes_ way!"

"You go girl!"

"Alright, I've had enough." He started putting my robes in the wardrobe against the wall.

"So..." What to talk about? "How's Draco?" He paused.

"What?"

"I'm just asking after Draco; I know you work with him. Is he still with that boyfriend of his?"

"Oh. Yes, he is." I couldn't see his face, but he sounded weird. He was probably just uncomfortable with the subject.

"So he's talked to you about it?"

"Er... Yes."

"Have they had sex yet?"

"...Yes."

"I _knew_ it!" He let out a long sigh.

"You shouldn't be such a busybody," he half-scolded. Only half, of course.

"Oh, right, coming from _you_."

"Hmph."

"So is it Harry?" Dad shook his head.

"You won't get anything out of me."

"It _is!_"

"No, it isn't," he replied steadily.

"Do you know who it is, then?"

"If Draco wanted you to know who he was seeing he would tell you."

"That's no fun." I frowned.

"Maybe he'll tell you about his new fuck buddy if you tell him about yours." He finally turned around and winked at me.

"You're too gross for words."

"I know, isn't it fabulous?"

"No." I grimaced.

Once we'd finished unpacking my things and putting them away, Dad led me on a tour of the manor. It was... Interesting. Dad's commentary consisted of things like, "This is where one of the maids went insane, stripped, and jumped out the window- can't imagine why, though. She never seemed to like me." And "This is the room Sev's parents were murdered in. Luckily, it isn't haunted." Well, that was one of the many things I learned about my new sparkle whore's past during the tour. Including exactly where he'd masturbated for the first time at the ripe old age of ten. Which was in his mother's garden, and it wasn't exactly a thought that put me at ease. Especially since it was in the front yard.

Although, I suppose that when you think about it childhood public masturbation isn't the worst thing he's ever done. I would actually think it was pretty damn funny if I'd been alive to witness it. Heehee, I get the giggles just thinking about it. Oh, that is _such_ good ammunition.

After the fun, yet disturbing tour of the manor, Dad and I settled down for some relaxation in the study. It was nice to have some time to just sit and gloat over my victory. Heheh. Severus Snape, you are _mine!_ Mwahahahaha! Ahem...

"So... How do you feel?" Dad grinned at me as he poured himself some brandy from the wet bar.

"I feel very... Smug." He chuckled.

"Smug, eh?"

"Oh, yes." He only shook his head. Eventually, Severus returned, grimacing. "I hate chores." I raised my eyebrows. "That crazy old woman in the robe shop was hitting on me again!" Dad and I snorted with laughter at exactly the same time. "It's _not_ funny."

"It most certainly is," I protested.

"Hmph. In any case... Get out."

"Both of us?"

"Just Nathanyel." Dad gave me a sly look, then headed out.

"You two have fun, now," he called as he walked away. Severus looked relieved.

"Thank Merlin. Alright, let's have sex."

And... That was the basic gist of things. For about four days. Sex, sex, sex, sex, and... Sex. I must say, it was an awfully nice change of pace.

Then, disaster struck. We were having a quiet lunch at home, after lots of sex (of course) when I thought I'd start a conversation. _Not_ a good idea, apparently.

"So..." I leaned on the table and smiled at him. Severus paused, his fork halfway to his mouth, and glared at me.

"_What?_"

"Does this mean that you're madly in love with me?" He snorted derisively.

"No."

"But you liiiike me," I taunted happily.

"Not particularly, no."

"Heh, nice one."

"Yes, it would be funny, wouldn't it? I'll remember that." He turned back to his food.

"Don't drag it out now."

"What do you mean?" I started glaring. "I believe in honesty in a relationship. And I can't honestly say that I like you. Sorry." My thoughts at that moment were roughly along the lines of... WHAT THE FUCK!?

"You don't _like_ me!?" He looked pensive for a moment, then nodded. "But then- why would you- _this!_"

"I wanted some company. When you arrived, I was horny, so I thought, 'Why not?' And I decided to let you stay here because... Well, it's awfully hard to keep up with the cleaning around here, you know."

"So I'm your maid."

"No. You're my trophy girl. Don't worry, it's fun."

"I'm your trophy and you don't like me," I repeated blankly.

"Well, I don't exactly _dislike_ you, not anymore, at least. I mean... Sex tends to sway one's opinion. In any case, I can stand your company, it gets lonely here, and you were available. Not to mention it would be useful for you to stay for other reasons... Such as being seen with me, and thus repelling the advances of the old woman in the robe shop near the Hog's Head. All are very good foundations for a relationship. And you don't need any foundations for a _physical_ relationship, anyway, so it's not as if we can't have sex if you like. Are you following all this? You look rather blank."

"I am so enraged that I have gone completely numb," I replied monotonously.

"Perhaps you should sleep it off." He took a sip of wine from his goblet.

"I refuse to believe this. I refuse to believe that you only keep me around for sex and old lady repellant." He shrugged.

"Go ahead, then."

"You're disgusting!"

"I've heard it all before."

"You just want sex!"

"No, that's not it." I paused, blinking. "If I'd only wanted sex, I wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of bringing you over here and putting up with you; I'd have simply paid for it." I stared at him. "What? So prostitution's illegal now?"

"_Yes!!_"

"Oh. Well... Too late to follow that law, then. Are you going to eat your potatoes?"

"ARGH!"

"I'll take that as a no." And he took my potatoes, as well.

"You are despicable!"

"Oh, spare me. You've come across much worse than pro-prostitution, potato-loving potions masters, I'm sure."

"I'm going to go far, far away, now. And I don't plan on coming back."

"Alright. When you do, though, could you bring back some more milk? We're running low."

"AUGH!!"

"Goodbye to you, too, then. See you tomorrow."

"GGRRRARRH!" And then I left, and slammed the door.

I went to my parents' house. It's not _my _house anymore, just my parents' house. And that was where I chose to go because... Well, where else would I go? Besides, Dad was sure to have some good advice for me. I hopes.

"Hello? Mum? Dad?" It was completely deserted. And by completely deserted I mean that Uncle Kristo was in the kitchen talking to Draco about sexual lubricant. Eww. Suppressing a shudder, I joined them. "Where are Mum and Dad?"

"They went out," Uncle Kristo replied shiftily.

"You mean... Together?"

"Yes." I stared at him.

"So, Nadia," Draco suddenly interrupted the stunned silence. "What type of lubricant does Snape like?" In short, Draco had my ring imprinted on his face. "Dyke."

"Cock pirate." Uncle Kristo laughed. Draco glared at him.

"It's funny because it's true," Uncle Kristo sighed. He had a point with that.

"So... _How_ did you meet?"

"We were both here looking for Nathanyel."

"In vain," Draco added.

"So we stole their food."

"And peed in the sink."

"No you didn't," I grumbled.

"You never know," Uncle Kristo sniffed.

"Pff." I grabbed myself a glass of water and sat down to wait. Draco and Uncle Kristo returned to their conversation about sexual lubricant while I mulled over the fact that the man I was currently having sex with didn't even really like me.

"Why are _you_ here, anyway?" Draco asked, pausing the lubricant discussion to raise an eyebrow at me.

"I suppose I had a fight with Poopy McShitterpants."

"Let me guess... He doesn't like you."

"How did you know that?"

"He doesn't like _anyone_."

"Well... That's true."

"I say," Uncle Kristo interjected, "if the sex is alright, then who cares?"

"You are an ass," I growled.

"Seriously, though," Draco added,"isn't the sex all that matters?"

"_No_." He blinked.

"Are you sure?"

"Just because you're a shallow bastard, it doesn't mean that the rest of us are."

"Oh? And what makes you so sure?" I ignored him.

"Listen," Uncle Kristo prompted. "Here's an idea one of the youth ministers had, to make you feel a bit more calm. Make a list of all the thing you hate that have nothing to do with Severus, then make a list of all the things you like about him."

"And what is that supposed to do?" He shrugged.

"No idea. Personally, I think it's stupid. But at least it's something to pass the time with." I sighed.

"Alright. I guess I'll go do that, then." After all, I didn't want to hear my Uncle talking about warming lubricant, even if I was sort of used to it by then.

Alright, so... Things I hate.

-When your underwear stick out the back of your jeans.

-Waiting on very long lines.

-People who go far too fast on residential roads and far too slow on the highway.

-Girls with breast implants. Especially when they pretend it's natural.

-Small, cute, furry woodland creatures. They're all just disease ridden little rats.

-Bible beaters. You know, those born again Christian idiots.

-Hypocrites. Not hypocrites with little things, because then everyone is a hypocrite. Just hypocrites with big things.

-People who are homophobic simply because they're closet homosexuals. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to be putting things about Severus on this list.

Okay, since he came up I might as well move on. Alright, think... What do I like about Severus? Hmm...

-His butt. Alright, maybe I'm concentrating on the wrong area.

-...The shape of his butt. Okay, I need to stop and think of something else.

-The _feel_ of his butt. Whew. I need to think some more.

-...Alright, I'm ready. His eyes. That's romantic, right? Eh... Alright, I've got something good.

...

...

...

...One moment.

...

-His sense of humor! That's a good one, yeah.

-That little tick in his jaw.

-His taste in books.

-His funny underwear that he says were gifts.

-He's smart, I like that.

-He has... Er... A penis. That's always a plus.

-The fact that Greek food makes him docile. Especially since it's the only type of food I know how to cook.

-That face he makes when I do something stupid, like turning his socks into puppets.

-When he smiles and pretends he's really just smirking.

-When he laughs while I... Well, I don't think I should write that down.

Okay, I think that's enough. In my opinion, this is a pretty sufficient list, despite the fact that a large portion of it involves his butt. I mean... That is one glorious bootay. Anyway, once I completed my wonderful list, I took a nap. After that, I decided to hang out in Dad's study. It's usually off-limits, but he wasn't home, so... I didn't care. Hee.

After a while, Dad came home. Through the floo. Which the fireplace in the study is connected to. Uh oh. "Nadia? What are you doing here?"

"Had a fight with Severus," I answered, pouting.

"What about?" Groaning, he sank into the armchair next to me and dropped his perpetually present briefcase on the floor.

"He said he doesn't like me."

"Oh." He raised his eyebrows. "Well, he doesn't like _anyone_." I pouted some more. "He didn't even like me when we were first friends."

"Somehow I don't find that surprising."

"Ohoho. Don't be a brat." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Come have some coffee with me. I need it." With another groan he stood up and headed out. Yum, coffee. And I was still pouty over Sevums, so it was a good pick-me-up. Especially when Dad made mocha. Yay!

"So how long were you working?"

"Just a few hours."

"Really? How many is a few?"

"Oh... Only eighteen."

"And then you went out with Mum?"

"Yup. Then back to work."

"So where's Mum?"

"Visiting your aunt Roula." He grimaced. "Her new boyfriend died today."

"How?"

"Heart attack. And trust me, you don't want to know the circumstances of _that_ situation." Gross.

"I don't think we should continue this vein of conversation-"

"Neither do I." We sat in silence for a bit.

"So... Any ideas for my dilemma?"

"Do you really want my advice?" I nodded. "Alright, here it comes." Long, dramatic pause. "You shouldn't be so hard on Severus." I hesitated a moment, then gaped at Dad.

"You can't be serious." He just shook his head.

"Did you expect him to just proclaim his undying love? He isn't that easy to win over. You're lucky you've come _this_ far." He sipped his chocolate soda. "My advice would be to just stay away for a bit, cool down, and think about the possibilities. Then, if you're really willing to, go back. And tell him _your_ view on the whole situation."

"And if he doesn't listen?"

"Grab his penis." I stared. "Just kidding. You make him jealous."

"Like _that_ would ever happen."

"Trust me. It's very easy." I raised my eyebrows. "You should have seen him when I met your mother. Practically snarling."

"Yes, but that's different. He actually _liked_ you, then."

"He likes you. He just doesn't know it, yet."

"Right."

"Why don't you invite him over? A few days with Miriam and he'll be groveling at your feet." That was... Actually... A very good idea.

"Alright. You can invite him for me, then."

"What? Why me?"

"Because I know you'll probably go over there, anyway. And he has to stay _at least_ two days. So there. Alright, I'm going to take a shower, so... Bye."

I like making Dad do things for me. It's a good thing I got my mum's controlling streak, that's for sure. So after I got out of the shower and got dressed, I found Remus watching television in the sitting room. For no apparent reason.

"...Pr... Remus?" He turned and blinked at me, then offered a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Nadia."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I just thought that I... I need the..."

"You're trying to seduce my dad, aren't you?" His eyes widened a bit.

"No, no! Of course not! I mean- Well, maybe just a little." Just then, Mum walked into the room.

"Oh, God, naked man." And then she turned around and walked out.

"...What?"

"It's a long story... Which involves me sans clothing... I'd rather not explain at the moment." I shrugged.

"Alright... But... Do you have pictures?"

"No."

"God_dammit!_"

"Don't take the Goddamned Lord's name in vain!" Uncle Kristo was on his way out the door and he still caught that. Goddammit.

"You know, I think that's the _only_ Commandment he even bothers with," Remus commented blithely.

"I _know_ it's the only Commandment he bothers with," I replied. "And he still breaks it, anyway." Remus grinned.

"I suppose that's why I like him so much." And then he patted the couch. "Sit and watch with me, already. That hovering is making me nervous." So I sat down and watched _The Nanny_ with him. That Fran Fine, always getting herself into trouble! Ha!

"I am _not_ watching this utter shit." I looked up to see Severus standing over us with his arms crossed.

"Good," I replied. "Go make dinner." I made a gesture with my hand as if to wave him away.

"...You have _got_ to be kidding."

"I'm not."

"I really do _not_ like you. This is losing points, that's what this is... Should hex you right now... _Make dinner_, bah..." Which is what he grumbled as he slunk away to cook dinner.

"I thought you were fighting with him," Remus stated as we watched Mr. Sheffield chase Fran across the screen.

"Yes... But I'm hungry." I shrugged. "_Someone_ has to make dinner."

"True. Hah! Take that, C.C.!" He likes Niles the butler.

Eventually, it was time for dinner. So Remus, Severus, Dad and I all sat down to have a nice family dinner. "Where's Mum?"

"Still out," Dad replied nonchalantly.

"She's out a lot lately," I sighed. Severus snorted. "Oh, and what did you make? Deep fried skunk shit?" He growled.

"Roast beef."

"You're not allowed to eat that," I replied. In response, he slapped a huge chunk of meat on his plate.

"With broccoli."

"You'll stink up the whole house tonight."

"And mashed potatoes."

"That's way too much butter, and too many carbohydrates. You can't eat that huge mound!"

"Watch me!"

"Ah, young love," Dad sighed.

"Yes," Remus agreed half-heartedly. "Very... Romantic."

"Hmph," Severus grumbled, eyeing Remus venomously.

"Is there any gravy?" Dad slid the gravy boat over to him, and Remus shuffled his chair a bit closer to reach it.

"Ahem!" Severus cleared his throat loudly and glared at Remus. Hm, wonder what _that_ was all about?

"Sooooooooooooooo," Dad interjected by way of making peace. "...How about... That... Erm... Escaped hippopotamus?"

"There are no escaped hippopotami in the area," Severus snapped. "You made that up."

"No I didn't!" Severus glared. "...Alright, maybe I did. It was just a conversation piece."

"Well, while we're on that," I cut in serenely, before Severus could speak again, "why don't we discuss why Severus wants to live with someone he doesn't like?" Silence.

"Perhaps... I should... Leave..." Remus worked out, looking a bit put off.

"No, you can stay," I replied. "So, shall we?"

"Shut up," Severus growled.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Dad tried to convince me.

"Yes I did." I waited. "I don't _hate_ you. You're alright, really. Sort of." Dad gave me a thumbs up while he wasn't looking. "...A little."

"So you _do_ like me," I finally gleaned from the butchered sentence.

"_No_."

"Yes you do! You like me, you like me!"

"No I don't!"

"I'm gonna go tell the neighbors!" I jumped up from the table and skipped out the back door.

"No you're not! Get back here!" Dad and Remus just continued to eat. "Stop that!" I ran toward the gate, quite smug that I was much faster than him.

"You should have exercised more!" I taunted.

"Argh!" I slowed down so he could catch up, then looped around and slapped his bum. "Hey!"

"Come on, slowpoke!"

"I'll get you!" He seemed quite angry.

"Haha, you can't catch me!" I ran circles around him and spanked him whenever I passed around his back. Eventually, I let him catch me, since I wouldn't want him to burst a vessel or anything. He practically tackled me to the ground, and I landed in his lap.

"You are _not_ saying _anything_ to _anyone_," he panted. I laughed a bit.

"I know. I just wanted to get you alone."

"Why?" I kissed him.

"Because you liiiiiike me." He snorted.

"Believe what you wish."

"You look very out of breath. I think you might need some mouth to mouth." He didn't bother to protest; he knew how useless it was.

When we came back inside (Mrs. Watson had threatened to call the police on us for indecent exposure) Dad and Remus had already finished dinner, and were sitting together in the den. We caught Remus trying to do that old yawning and putting the arm around the shoulders trick. "Hey!" Severus snarled. Remus blushed and quickly withdrew his arm to his side.

"I don't see what the harm is," I muttered. He just scowled and stationed himself between Dad and Remus. I decided that since there was no more room on the couch, I would lay across their laps. After a round of "Oofs!" and one "Get off me!" from you know who, we were settled. Then, Dad did the unthinkable. The horrrrrrible. The AWFUL.

He put on the soap opera channel.

"NO!" Remus, Severus, and I all exclaimed at once.

"What?" He made an innocent face. "I need to watch my stories!"

"You can catch up next week," I snapped.

"But I want to find out if Brad is the father of Jennifer's freakishly deformed baby with the tail!"

"What do you think!? _Brad_ has a tail! They made it into a major plot point!"

"You never know! That kind of thing is usually a recessive gene!"

"Turn it off!"

"Nooooo! Jennifer's baby!!!" I wrestled the television controller from his hands and changed the channel.

"Thank you," Severus sighed. Remus agreed.

"We're watching _The Golden Girls_," I proclaimed.

"Never mind."

"Hooray!" Remus exclaimed. "I love Sofia!" We high-fived each other and made fun of Dorothy through the whole episode.

"Dad is Rose," I sniggered.

"No I'm not," he pouted.

"And Remus is Blanche."

"Oh, come on."

"No, you _are_ pretty easy," Severus argued.

"Severus is Dorothy," I replied, grinning.

"Oh, I am _so_ not."

"And _I_ am Sofia," I announced proudly. Everyone else grumbled.

"I hate this show," Severus muttered sullenly. By the end of the show, though, Severus was quoting Sofia and calling Remus a human mattress, so I could tell he liked it at least a little bit.

We stayed up longer for some dessert, then Remus had to get home for some rest, since he was going to go out looking for apartments the next day. Apparently he'd been kicked out of his flat because the landlord found out his little secret (and he also slept with her son) so he had to move within a month. Anyway, after Remus left, we all went to bed.

The next morning, Mum was out again, so it was just us three for breakfast. I yawned and shuffled into the kitchen. "What does the paper say?" I asked Dad, who was sitting at the table with Severus, sipping coffee.

"No paper today," he replied. I furrowed my brow.

"Why not?"

"Severus chased the paper boy off." I glared at Severus.

"Hey!" he protested. "The boy was attacking me! He was bombarding me with rolled up stacks of paper!" I rolled my eyes.

"That's his _job_." Severus crossed his arms and sniffed indignantly.

"Well, it's _not_ very considerate."

"...Shut up and eat your breakfast."

"Fucking paper boy throwing fucking paper..." Which was basically the way the entire meal went. Afterwards, Mum came home.

"Argh," was all she said when she caught sight of Severus.

"Stupid bitch," Severus muttered after her when she walked off to use the bathroom. I hit him. "Ouch."

When Mum was done in the bathroom, we all went out together (because Severus should really learn to get along with Mum) to see a movie. There's really nothing to do around there but watch television and movies. Then, afterwards, Severus and Mum complained about it. "The performance was lacking," Mum criticized.

"And the plot was so unrealistic!" Severus groused. "I mean, aliens really existing but a secret organization covering everything up while they live among us? How absurd!" I decided not to say anything.

We basically shopped the rest of the day (which Severus hated, of course.) It was fun. But also rather disturbing, because... Dad... Bought a skirt. "No."

"What?" Dad held the skirt up to himself.

"You can _not_ buy that."

"Why not? I'll wear it over trousers. It's high fashion in the wizarding world, you know."

"I don't care! It's still a skirt!"

"So? It's a _nice_ skirt." Well... It was. It was knee-length and white with a sort of Japanese-looking pattern on it. "It's _so_ me."

"And this is _so_ embarrassing."

"Agreed," Severus muttered, following off to the shadows to hide from prying eyes.

Other than that, the day was pretty alright. Except for Severus and Mum fighting all the time. And every time Severus went to use the bathroom or walked out of earshot to look at something Mum called him an evil pedophile. I stood up for him, of course, but that was after I finished laughing.

We didn't get back until dinner time, at which point Mum went off on a tangent about how glad she was that she left the roast in the oven at a low temperature so it would cook slowly and yadda-yadda. But even though dinner was "ready" we still had to wait half an hour to eat. Which we spent sitting at the table because Mum wouldn't let us leave. Finally, dinner actually _was_ ready.

"Alright, let's dig in, then," Mum said cheerfully. We all started eating... All except Dad. He was merely staring down at his food, as if there was a message in it he was trying to read. I glanced at Severus, who had noticed his strange behavior as well. After a few moments, Dad pushed his plate away and stood up.

"I'm not eating this," he said bluntly.

"Nathanyel!" my mother reprimanded. "Sit down and eat! There's nothing wrong with it!" Dad ignored her and swept out of the room, Sweetheart flying out after him. Mum sighed, shaking her head, then walked over to Dad's place and grabbed his food. "The way he acts, you'd think I was trying to poison him!" As she scraped the food into the garbage, I caught a glimpse of some sort of pill.

"What's that?" I asked cautiously.

"It's just some medicine. I don't even know how he knew it was in there!"

"He's a Slytherin," Severus said quietly. "Slytherins are always on their guard."

"Slither what?" Mum was obviously clueless. Anything Dad had told her about Hogwarts, she'd probably thought was just the ranting of a madman.

"It's a Hogwarts house," Severus informed her, sounding slightly disgusted at her ignorance. Or perhaps merely at her existence. After all, from the moment we'd arrived he hadn't seemed to like her at all.

"A what, now?" she asked faintly. "Oh! You mean that- that _place_ Nathanyel sent Nadia." She wrinkled her nose. Uh oh. I sensed a confrontation coming on. I could see a muscle ticking in Severus' jaw as he tightly clenched his teeth. "Really, on September first he _kidnapped_ her! I had her all set to go to a _real_ school and he just swept her off to learn magic tricks!" Please, God, just grant me this one favor...

"Hogwarts _is_ a real school," Severus said silkily, his voice dangerously quiet. That was the voice that usually set off blaring alarms in the head of every residence at Hogwarts.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Mum scoffed, searching the kitchen for something she didn't seem able to find. "You people just don't understand these things, no offense meant, what with not having a _proper_ education." The table creaked ominously and I looked down to see that Severus was gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were bone white. "I don't even know why you went along with it, Nadia," she continued, oblivious. "I mean, you're a smart girl. You could have had a good career, a good life, if you'd gotten a _real_ education." I saw Severus going for his wand, but quickly grabbed his wrist and shot him a pleading look. Reluctantly, he returned to gripping the table and grinding his teeth. "I'm really so disappointed, Nadia. Now what are you going to do? How are you going to get a job, support yourself? All you know is a bunch of silly magic tricks, you can't possibly-" She was cut off by the loud scraping of a chair as Severus jerkily stood from the table, his fists literally shaking in rage as he clenched them tightly. "Oh, what's wrong?" To make matters worse, Mum seemed irritated.

"I'm suddenly feeling _ill_," Severus growled through clenched teeth. "If you don't mind, I think I need some _fresh air_." Without waiting for an answer, he swept out of the room. I heard the screen door swing open as he exited the house, then leaned over and put my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes and groaning. What a way to start off our visit.

"Don't see what could be wrong with him," Mum said, looking put off. "Oh- maybe it's that _magic_. Does that often happen to _those_ people, Nadia?" I really wanted to pull my own wand out and curse her right then. However, I was distracted by the sudden, distant scream, emanating from outside the house. It was wordless, but filled with pent up rage and frustration... And it was Severus' voice. "That's not that _pedophile_, is it?"

"Mum!"

"I tell you, Nadia, there's something off about the whole lot of them! I wish you hadn't gotten mixed up in all this, I really do." I was unable to take it anymore; I slammed my hands on the table and stood up.

"That's enough, mother!" I exclaimed. She blinked.

"Well, you can't blame me-"

"Yes I can!" I cut in, heading for the front door. "I think I need a good scream, myself." I stormed out of the house and practically ran across the lawn and down the street, where I could see two figures standing at the corner. I immediately recognized them as Severus and Dad (sans Sweetheart) and as I approached, I could hear them talking.

"...Really have no idea _how_ you can _stand_ the woman," Severus was saying, a fair amount of animosity in his voice.

"She can get a little... Unbearable, at times," Dad agreed.

"I wish I had hexed her right there!" Severus growled, clenching his fists. "The _nerve!_ The absolute _gall_ of her, saying those- those _things!_" I cleared my throat and they both spun around, reaching for their wands, but stopped when they recognized me. Dad's expression immediately softened.

"Nadia," he breathed, smiling. "How are you, love?"

"I'm fine," I replied. Severus raised an eyebrow and Dad crossed his arms. "Alright, so I'm not fine. It's just- Mum can be so ignorant about magic! It's so frustrating!" Dad sighed.

"I know, I know. It's just the way she was brought up."

"And that she's a bloodsucking bitch," Severus muttered.

"Severus!" I exclaimed. "She's still my _mother!_"

"Yes, well... I hate your mother," he replied. I just made a dismissive gesture with my hand, snorting.

"Oh, you hate everyone." Severus scowled.

"It's true," Dad agreed.

"Just shut it, the both of you," he grumbled, crossing his arms grumpily. However, I could see the edge of his mouth twitching slightly. I leaned up and kissed that little twitching corner, satisfied to see it curl up and stay that way in response to the gesture.

"I don't care if my mother thinks you're an evil, uneducated pedophile," I replied. "Because I know that you're not uneducated, and you're certainly not a pedophile." There was a long pause.

"You forgot evil."

"No I didn't." Dad burst into laughter, picking up on the joke, while Severus merely grunted, shaking his head. There was another pause before Severus addressed me again.

"She called me a pedophile?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," I replied. "Many times."

"I'll kill her." Dad immediately grabbed his arm.

"Hold up, hold up!" he said, yanking him back. "I don't want you going off to Azkaban now, Sev. You still owe me a grandson." Severus just grumbled something, while I gaped at my father. He wanted grandchildren? Already?!?

"_Dad!_" I exclaimed. "You can't be serious! Already?"

"No, no," he replied, shaking his head. "Maybe in a few years. Whenever you're ready for children, you know." Severus grumbled something else. "Though I'm sure you've had plenty of practice in making them by now." He elbowed Severus playfully.

"_DAD!!_"

"_NATHANYEL!!_"

"That just proves I'm right. Though, what else could you possibly be doing, living together and all?" Severus was flushed a deep red, and I'm sure I looked the same way.

"Doesn't it bother you to be saying these things about your own daughter?" Severus asked, sounding rather flustered. Dad seemed to be thinking for a moment.

"No," he answered bluntly after a few moments. "I have faint memories of doing them myself, sometime long ago... They're so distant, though... So fuzzy..."

"Dad, you're banned from speaking. Ever." He only chuckled a bit.

"I was just kidding, anyway. I had sex yesterday morning, actually."

"EWWW!!!"

"Yes, that _is_ rather arousing, isn't it?" Severus hit him for me.

After that, we all meandered back inside, and forgave Mum (except for Severus, but it's not like she cared anyway.) Then we watched a movie together (I picked it out, heehee) and Severus and Mum both criticized the fact that it was Japanese animation. Really, it isn't that bad at all. I mean, come on. Anime.

Then it was bed time, boohoo. And Severus snuck into my room, heehee. So, we did the nasty. Hey, if the entire basis of our relationship is sex, then we might as well, right? It was rather nice, except for when... Er... Dad walked in. Heh.

"Ohhh... Mmm... Severus... Oh, gods, yes..."

"I _knew_ it!"

"AIEEE!" Severus rolled off the bed and onto the floor with a loud thump and a grunt, while I sat bolt upright and covered myself with sheets. "Dad!" Dad was laughing uproariously.

"Oh, the look on your face was priceless!" he chortled. "Especially you, Severus!" He made a stupid face and pretended to be falling over. "Whoa!"

"Get out!" Severus growled, chucking a slipper at him, hitting him square between the eyes. He only laughed harder as Severus climbed back into the bed so he could cover himself better and look for his missing... everything.

"What's going on in here?" Uh oh. That would be Mum. She paused next to Dad in the doorway, her eyes wide as saucers. Dad even had the good grace to stop laughing. Then, Mum let out an ear-splitting screech.

"PERVERT!" she shrieked. Severus looked genuinely frightened. "HOW DARE YOU?!? IN MY HOUSE!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!!" She ran screaming into the kitchen and returned not two seconds later brandishing a frying pan. With a gulp, Severus yanked his boxers out from beneath me, grabbed his wand, and promptly disapparated.

"Mum! You chased away my fiery Latino lover!"

"He isn't Latino!" she snapped. I just pouted. "And I forbid you to ever see him again!"

"Nice try," Dad muttered before stretching and wandering away. He was probably going to the study, which was probably where Severus would show up again to gripe to him about my mother. Wow, I guess I'm getting to know him better and better. Yay!

"If I ever see that man again, I'll kill him! How could you give up your Hummunah Hummunah to that horrible beast? AUGH!" Mum calls virginity "Hummunah Hummunah." I have no idea why.

"For your information, Severus was not my first." I crossed my arms. She screamed very loudly. "Oh, stop it. And let me get dressed!" I finally got some privacy, so I climbed out the window and went around to the back yard; I knew Mum would be waiting for me in the hallway. So, I played on the swing set.

Eventually, Dad showed up. That was pretty predictable. "Hey." He sat in the swing next to me. Damn him and his skinny butt!

"Hullo."

"Severus says he'll be back at the house, if you'd like to join him. I doubt he's going to come here any time soon after what just happened, so when you do go back (and I know you will) just bring his clothes with you." He winked. "So, was that as bad as the last time you were caught in the act?" He nudged me a bit.

Augh. I didn't even want to _think_ of when Dad caught me with Blaise two years ago. That was a nightmare. It wasn't even in the act, though; it was the morning after. Still, imagine waking up to see your father looming menacingly over you and whoever might be in bed with you. Let's just say it wasn't my best moment. "You didn't catch me _in the act_."

"It was still very traumatizing for me," he sniffed. "And just think of how your mother must feel! I mean... It isn't exactly a pleasant thing to walk in on someone like _that_. It's the same for us as walking in on our parents, you know. Worse, actually."

"Fine. I'll apologize to Mum for not locking the door." Dad grinned.

"So has Severus warmed up to you yet?"

"A little bit. I mean... You saw..." I waggled my eyebrows.

"Yes, I did. And as happy as I am that you two have hit it off... Please lock the door in the future. I've seen Severus' sun kissed chocolate nipples plenty of times, but I'd rather yours stayed under wraps."

"Got it."

"Got what?" Severus had returned, presumably for his clothing and perhaps one last shred of dignity.

"Dad wants me to cover my nipples when we fuck," I replied.

"Sounds like a plan."

"I resent your contempt toward me and my wishes," Dad sniffed.

"Whatever."

"Anyway," I sighed, "do you think Mum's going to forgive us anytime soon?"

"Mmmm..." Dad looked thoughtful. "Nope."

"I'd better head home, then," Severus grumbled.

"I'll go, too."

"Alright, then."

"Alright." And he let me hold his hand.

* * *

Ahhhh!!!! That's the end of chapter 2. Yup. Next chapter, Nathanyel gets his groove on. Awww yeah. Well... You'll see what I mean. ;). Also, Severus and Nadia try to get along, the members of the SSS visit, and basic mayhem ensues. In the meantime... Poopies.

I made a picture of Nathanyel! GO! deviantart. com/deviation/9064683/


	3. Just Deal

Alright, here's the long-awaited chapter three. I know I said I would put a lot more in it, but I got to a certain point that just felt right to end it at. You know how it is. Anyway, I still like how the chapter came out... There's a good amount of scenes from Severus' PoV, so you can all rejoice. Anyway, in this chapter... Nadia is informed of something she's not too happy about, and... Visits the gyno. Plus there's lots of interaction between Nadia and Severus. And some interesting interaction between Severus and Harry... Ahem. Anyway, read.

Disclaimer: That is _all_, Rowling.

* * *

Chapter 3: Just Deal

When you're in love, it's important to always keep a gun under the mattress. Just in case.

Oy vey. Life with Severus Snape is... Well, not recommended to the weak of heart. Or patience. Or kindness. As a matter of fact, life with Severus Snape would most likely require a title of sainthood and several gallons of Holy water. Plus a massive sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I only possess that last quality, so I had a difficult time of it. Still... There were several high points in the last few days that I wouldn't trade for anything. Other than the sex, of course. For instance, the first time I saw him clean. Allow me to reminisce.

I was on my way out (to visit the gynecologist for some... ahem, then look for a job) when I paused, puzzled by the presence of... Some... _thing_. It was Severus, dressed in an apron, gloves, and... A babushka. That's right. He had some sort of rag tied over his hair. "What... Are... You... Wearing?"

"Shut up," he growled back, not even bothering to look up. "I'm cleaning."

"Be that as it may, you also seem to be doing so while pretending to be an eastern European housewife."

"You have a problem with my cleaning clothes?"

"Yes!" I sniggered.

"Well, why don't you take your high horse and shove it up your arse? I need some help, anyway."

"No can do, gotta visit the gyno and find a job. Or would you prefer I was the happy little housewife?"

"I'd _prefer_ if you did something _useful_ around here."

"Why must I always be criticized? I'm already a slave to your desires!"

"Just go."

"Alright. Should I pick anything up?"

"Just my will to live."

"Got it."

"And some feta cheese."

"Right, bye honey!"

"GO AWAY."

So, I soon found myself at the merciless hands of Dr. Stuart Meriwether, my gynecologist. Well... More like mercilessly clumsy. And if there are two things in this world that should never be combined, it's clumsiness and a pap smear. Either way, he's nice, and he's a good doctor. And I've been seeing him since I was twelve (yeah, I know that's weird, but I was a weird kid.) Besides, I needed some new birth control. So, I decided to break the news casually.

"Listen, Dr. Meriwether, it's not like I think there's something wrong with me-"

"Oh, of course not, no," he agreed.

"-But I think I really need to consider switching up to a stronger birth control."

"And why would that be, Nadia?"

"Because I'm boffing my professor."

"What?" He sat up a bit too quickly and hit his head on the examining light, then fell off his stool.

"It's not that surprising, is it? I mean, he's not my professor anymore."

"Er- right, of course."

"Can we hurry this up? The draft is awfully uncomfortable."

"Yes, let's."

"Anyway, I'm living with him now, and you wouldn't _believe_ how often he wants it!"

"Oh." He dropped... I dunno, that thing he puts up my vagina, and then hit his head on the stirrup standing up again. "Oof!"

"Are you alright down there?"

"I'm fine."

"Where was I? Oh, yes. Professor Hornypants. Anyway, I mean, we do it everywhere- the kitchen, the library, the ceiling-"

"Nadia?"

"Yes?"

"Could you please- er- just hold that thought?"

"Sure. Sorry." I guess the subject made him kind of uncomfortable. Well, I was kind of uncomfortable, too, but in an entirely different way.

However, I got my new birth control (and was advised to get blood work in another three months and return for a checkup) and was happy. It's not like I don't want to use those handy contraceptive charms, it's just that... Well, better safe than sorry.

Upon my return to... Home, I suppose I'll call it now, I witnessed Severus making himself lunch. As in, eating the first thing he laid his eyes on. "Is there something the matter?" I asked.

"I can't find anything to eat!" he growled.

"We have plenty of fixings for a sandwich, don't we? Make a sandwich."

"I don't want a sandwich."

"Then what can I tell you? Starve to death."

"Will you make soup?"

"_No._"

"Why not? I cook all the time! I clean, I take care of finances, I let you freeload off of me, I-"

"I'm not making soup. End of story. Now, excuse me." I grabbed some bread and meat from the ice box and started making a sandwich.

"I hate you." He turned back to his search for the perfect meal.

"I don't care," I replied.

By the time I was halfway through my sandwich, he seemed to have found something. Except... It wasn't exactly what one would call "real" food. More like snack food.

"You're eating pocky?" I asked. The only reason I even know that it's pocky is because of Dad. He gets the stuff all the time from some place or another.

"Yes. And it happens to be very good."

"You can't have almond crush pocky for lunch."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not good for you! What happened to proper nutrition? You need more protein! Here!" I thrust the other half of my sandwich at him.

"No! I don't want a sandwich."

"Eat it!"

"No!"

"_Eat it!_"

"...Er... Am I interrupting something?" We both turned to see Remus standing in the entrance to the kitchen.

"What are you doing in my house?" Severus snapped.

"You're supposed to give me a refill on my Wolfsbane today... Remember?"

"Oh. Right." Scowling, he stood up and swooped from the room.

"I _love_ it when he does that," I sighed.

"Ah, well, it _is_ rather... Unique." Remus sat down in Severus' chair and stole some pocky. "_I'm_ allowed to have almond crush pocky for lunch, right?"

"Yeah, whatever." He seemed happy about this. "So... Still trying to seduce my dad?"

"Really, Nadia, I don't see why we need to discuss my love life all the time. And yes, I am."

"Well... I'd wish you luck, but my dad's married." I feigned a glare at him. "You cheap harlot." Remus shrugged.

"Alright, here's your damn potion," Severus growled, returning to the room with a smoking goblet of Wolfsbane and shoving it into his hands.

"Severus!" I gasped. "You're just going to _give it_ to him, right in front of me!?"

"Oh, shut up."

"And one would think you'd take a bit longer, this time," Remus added, grinning.

"I'll be in the study if you need me for anything other than cheap entertainment," Severus grumbled sullenly, crossing his arms and leaving in a huff.

"Wow," I commented, "he must be on the rag or something."

"Hm," Remus agreed, downing his potion and grimacing. "Well, I really must be off."

"See you next time I'm around my dad," I replied.

"Yes, see you later."

After Remus had left, I ventured into the study so I could bond with Severus. "Hello, lover."

"Go away. I'm reading." Well, he didn't seem to be in the mood to bond. Too bad for him, then.

"Alright, question time." He groaned. "Who or what is the strangest person or thing you've ever fancied?" Severus stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.

"Person or _thing?_" I nodded. "...You go first."

"Well," I replied, "I'd say it's a toss up between Jareth the Goblin King from a movie called 'The Labyrinth' and the portrait of Phineas Nigellus in the headmaster's office." He stared at me.

"A goblin and a portrait."

"Yes." He looked rather disgusted. "Hey, David Bowie played Jareth."

"Oh. Well, that's alright then." I agreed. "But a _portrait?_"

"Yes," I replied. "I used to make excuses to go to the headmaster's office just to catch a glimpse of him." I sighed. "He's just so handsome and witty."

"Alright, that's enough creepiness for one day." I grinned.

"It's your turn, now. Answer the question."

"No."

"Answer it!"

"I've never fancied anything strange. Now leave me be."

"Fine," I sighed. "I'll just read with you."

"Hmph."

---------------

I swear, if I'd known living with the girl would be such a trial, I never would have invited her. Every day, it's "Severus, do this," and "Severus do that." Then there's "You can't eat that!" and "I'm busy, go wank instead." _Honestly!_ I thought she was supposed to be over the moon for me. One would think she'd at least put out!

Alright, so maybe that's a little harsh.

On second thought, no. It's not.

"Oi! Get out of my chair before I punch you in the face!" It's really, really not.

"Get your own chair!" I growled back. "I paid for it, it's _mine!_"

"I was working on my sweet man-loving!" she whined. "I need to finish my porn." I felt my jaw begin to twitch.

"_No_."

"Oh, come on! You can read it when I'm done."

"_NO!_" She let out a long-suffering sigh before dropping into the love seat a few feet away. Honestly, she can't just take over my study for her... Pornography.

"By the way, I invited my friends over. You know, the ones who helped me torture you." She shoved a finger into her mouth and started picking at her teeth. "Sho, hey shaid hey'd be here 'ext week, a'd hey're shtaying hor a week, hoo." I was outraged.

"_What!?_" She pulled her hand out of her mouth.

"I'll give you a blow job if you let them stay."

"That's disgusting!" After all, she was just picking half-masticated food from her teeth.

"I'll brush my teeth, too. And do it in that position you like, the one that makes you giggle like a school girl." I almost considered it, but then remembered that I am not one easily taken in by bribery. Although, she had been a rather cold fish lately. "Pleeaaase?"

"I refuse."

"I'll throw in a rim job."

"That is _so_ gross," I lied.

"I know you like it! I know you do! Just say yes!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll make you read my super gay porn!"

"You wouldn't."

"Marcus suddenly found himself pinned down between two strong thighs-"

"Argh! Fine! Your friends can stay, now shut the fuck up!"

"I _knew_ you'd say yes." She got up to give me a kiss on the cheek. "You're just a sweetie pie."

"You owe me a blow job."

"And a rim job," she added.

"Pervert." Sometimes I wish Nathanyel had less of an influence over her.

"Whoopee! I get to lick your bum!" I decided to ignore her; I thought it would be best.

Two days later, I found myself sitting at the small table in the kitchen, watching her run around like some sort of ridiculous child, making something that smelled... Heavenly. She's volunteered to cook dinner (for once), most likely because she'd accidentally burned a very sensitive area of mine with a candle stick. It was... Very painful. "What are you making?"

"Nothing," she replied airily.

"Tell me what you're making."

"No. It's a surprise." She always finds some way to aggravate me, even when she's trying to please me. "Besides, I'm sure you can smell it well enough."

"That was out of line!"

"_I_ can smell it." Sometimes I want to just... Strangle her.

"That isn't the point. You're the one making it!"

"And you should be grateful for that. It isn't often that I grace you with my excellent culinary skill."

"It smells like shit, by the way."

"That's because I shit in it."

"And here I thought it was just the horrible cooking." At least I get some good arguments out of her.

"Well, I'd be suspicious of that myself, but only if you were the one doing the cooking." She slammed something, causing me to wince. I don't want her ruining my kitchen.

"Is shit even in my diet?"

"Of course! At any rate, you won't even notice, since you have such bad taste."

"Is it too much to hope that my dinner won't bear any resemblance to a phallus?"

"Yes."

It turned out to be leg of lamb; damn her. How did she know that lamb was my one gastronomical weakness? "This is awful." It was heavenly.

"I know, but it was difficult to concentrate with your incessant nagging," she replied smoothly. "Try the potatoes and peppers." My _God_, yes.

"They're a bit bland."

"Not as bland as your lovemaking."

"Excuse me!"

"Seriously, you must have some sort of 'brace yourself, Bridget' gene, or something."

"I most certainly do not!"

"Prove it."

The rest of the night was spent doing just that.

---------------

"I'm home!" I waited for a response, but none came. I'd just returned from a hard day of job interviews, all of which had gone rather badly, and I was ready for some sweet loving. "Severus? I'm back!" Still no answer. I assumed he was working in the study, so I kicked off my shoes and headed over there.

I found him sitting at the desk in his study, writing furiously on some parchment. I had no idea of what he was doing, but I was certainly going to put a stop to it. After having a bit of fun, of course. "Severus?" He neither looked up nor paused his scratching quill.

"Yes?" he replied, a look of utter concentration on his face.

"Are you wearing... Suspenders?" At this, he paused momentarily to give me a look somewhere between annoyance and incredulity.

"...What of it?"

"Nothing," I replied quickly. "It's just that it was... unexpected."

"So sorry to expose you to this fashion faux pas," was his sarcastic retort as he turned back to his papers. "You're free to leave before you become violently sick from looking at them." I held in a bit of laughter, then approached him and snapped the backs of his suspenders playfully.

"Well, I _like_ them," I muttered, sliding my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder. He merely grunted, continuing with his work. "Very cute."

"I don't _do_ 'cute.'"

"Ah, but you _are_ cute. And we both know that doing and being are two very different things." He shifted in his seat a bit.

"Perhaps not." I moved my hand a little lower.

"So what are you doing?"

"...Nothing of great importance..." And a little lower.

"Oh. So I suppose you can spare a few minutes?" Below the equator.

"...Or hours." Score one for me.

Actually, score _several_ for me.

It was another few days before our blissful home life was once again interrupted. I was sitting in the kitchen and reading the Daily Prophet when I suddenly heard a loud bang from outside the house. I jumped in my seat, my heart leaping into my throat, but managed to calm myself down. As I returned to the newspaper, the bang sounded again. Then, something hit me; it must be the Knight Bus. I set the Daily Prophet down and listened carefully as footsteps and a soft, quiet cooing sounded through the open window. "No..." I muttered to myself. I heard loud knocking on the door and saw Severus approaching it, tying his dressing gown closed. I jumped to my feet and ran into the entrance hall after him, making it to the door just before he did and swinging it open; Severus seemed surprised by my behavior, but even more surprised by our visitor.

My father stood on the other side of the door, smiling cheerfully at us and holding a bulging briefcase, that infernal fwooper of his perched silently on his shoulder. "Good morning, lovelies," he greeted. Severus gaped.

"Dad?" I couldn't believe he was actually there.

"May I come in?" he asked. I stepped aside to let him in and he walked over the threshold, looking around and whistling. "Boy does this place look _exactly_ the same!" he commented lightly, before jovially heading for the kitchen. I followed him, trying to get a straight answer from him. "Hungry, Sweetheart?" He held up a hand and Sweetheart gently nudged it with her head. He smiled and plucked her from his shoulder, setting her on the table. "Sorry for being such a bother," he said to Severus and me apologetically.

"No problem," I muttered, handing him a plum. He sat at the table and started peeling it, beginning to look a little troubled. Severus, meanwhile, still seemed to be in shock. I sighed, sitting next to Dad. "So why are you here?" He fed Sweetheart a piece of the plum before answering.

"I left your mother," he replied simply, sounding completely nonchalant about the whole thing. My mouth fell open and my stomach dropped to my feet.

"What?" It couldn't possibly be true. My parents were in love, my parents had a good relationship, they stuck together... Well, maybe not a _good_ relationship, but they still stuck together!

"It's about fucking time!" Severus sighed. I glared at him. "I mean to say... Well, yes, that's what I meant to say."

"She was getting rather impatient, I think," Dad went on. "I mean, the divorce is already final. I was looking for somewhere to go, but after a while I realized that we both needed our space, so... Here I am!"

"But, you _are_ going back eventually, right?" Of course he was.

"No, I'm afraid not." I couldn't find words; I was in shock. "It was inevitable. I do realize that I'm a lot to put up with, and God bless her for trying, but I think she was ready to admit me to the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's. I'm not _that_ bad, though, am I?"

"But... I thought... Don't you love each other?" I asked, completely ignoring his question.

"...No." It felt like a slap in the face. "We haven't for a long time. She only stayed with me because she thought I couldn't take care of myself. Not without reason, of course."

"And... And why did _you_ stay?"

"For you," he answered simply. "I didn't want to pull you back and forth between us. I know that no matter what this would hurt for you, but I thought it would be best to wait until you grew up and moved out. And I was also a bit selfish... I didn't want to lose custody or anything like that."

"I can't believe this!" I finally burst out. "I just can't!" He bit his lip, frowning.

"Some plum?" he held out a piece he was obviously planning to feed to Sweetheart.

"No!" I knocked his hand away and stood up. "You just left Mum? You just walked out on her?" He sighed.

"We fell out of love years ago, and with you starting your own life, there's no reason for us to stay together. I was driving her mad, anyway. She'll be better off without me." He stopped to coo softly to Sweetheart, petting her gently.

"So you don't love Mum?"

"No."

"And she doesn't love you."

"No." He looked at me from the corner of his eye. "I'm sorry this is so abrupt." Well, come to think of it, there _were_ signs. But they were so subtle! Well, not really, but I attributed it to my father's eccentricity. Alright, so there were many, unsubtle signs. That I should have picked up on, but didn't. And that "people grow apart" speech Mum tried to give me should have been a clue.

"But why didn't you tell me sooner!? How long have you been divorced!?"

"Only for about a month, although it did take a while to get the possession lists straight and all. Plus we were separated, first." I glared at him. "I'm sorry! We just... Didn't know how to tell you, is all."

"..." I paused for a moment to suppress my rage. "...So."

"So." Silence. "I could use a place to stay. Got any recommendations?" I looked over to Severus, who was still standing by the entrance to the kitchen and glaring reproachfully at Dad, giving him a pleading expression. He scowled for a bit, then sighed.

"Fine," he muttered, approaching the table and sitting with us. "Stay here."

"I'd be a burden," Dad protested, though he had obviously been meaning to ask.

"Shut up," Severus growled. "I'm not daft like you are, Nathanyel; you came with your luggage. You were obviously planning to weasel your way into it, anyway." Dad shrugged a shoulder. "Speaking of weasels," Severus growled, "aren't those friends of yours arriving next week?" Wow, I'd completely forgotten.

"Yes. I'd forgotten."

"Visitors?" Dad smiled. "Marvelous!" He then leaned down, opened his briefcase, and pulled out some brightly colored paper. Severus discreetly rolled his eyes at me and stood, making his way around the kitchen.

"Are you hungry, Nathanyel?" he asked, though he sounded as if he didn't care.

"No, I had a chocolate chicken sandwich for breakfast."

"Thirsty?"

"I'll take anything sweet. Butterbeer, if you have it." It was sort of funny to see; my father had only been present for a few minutes and he was already making himself at home. But then, he'd probably been here tons of times.

Severus set a bottle of butterbeer on the table in front of Dad as he busied himself with his origami, then poured himself a glass of water. There were a few minutes of silence before it was broken by... Dad. "A swan, for my beautiful daughter." He handed me a swan. "And for you, Severus..." He held out a little cup, smiling innocently. "A shot glass."

"Ha. Ha. Ha," he replied sarcastically, snatching the cup away.

"And for me... A peenie!!" He held up a red... Penis.

"Augh, _Dad!_" I groaned.

"Heehee, peenie!"

"Change the subject!!!"

"Alright. Umm... So... Who's up for some exploding snap?"

"Shut up," Severus snapped. "Being in the same room with _one_ of you is irritating enough... Both of you is like... Like putting a Chihuahua in a blender!"

"Oooh, nice one," Dad complimented. Severus just glared.

It struck me as strange that my father was so comfortable with the living situation. "Fine. Shut up, and I'll show you your room," Severus grumbled. Dad nodded, then followed him out of the kitchen... On his hands. Sweetheart flew after them, and I was left alone. I used the valuable time to clean up after myself and continue reading the Daily Prophet, hoping to find an add for something that would give me some temporary source of money until September. Nothing.

So I screamed.

Very loudly.

---------------

"Is she alright?" I shrugged; it wasn't as if I even cared.

"Probably not."

"Oh, dear." Nathanyel wrung his hands, looking a bit worried.

"What are you so worked up for? She'll get over it." He glared at me, and so did that stupid bird with him.

"She's my daughter. I'm worried." I only rolled my eyes in exasperation.

"Then find some way to cheer her up." He stared pointedly at me. "_Other than sex_."

"Well, I can't help it if my child is a nymphomaniac," he sniffed.

"It's all in the genes," I grumbled.

"Probably." I gave him the guest room furthest away from my room, which actually had a rather nice view. "Wow. This is a really shit room."

"Shut up. You've got magic, don't you?"

"You _know_ my wandwork is crap."

"I don't care!"

"Can't I just have a different room?"

"No! I don't want you invading my privacy!"

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Shut up!"

"Baboom chicka boom chicka-"

"Ahem." We both turned around to see... Potter. "Er... Nadia said the two of you were upstairs. I just followed the sound of arguing."

"Hullo, Harry."

"Get out of my house."

"But-"

"Out." I pointed to the window. "And I don't want you soiling my doorknobs with your dirty hands. You are to jump through the window."

"But... This is the third story," the brat protested.

"I am well aware of that." Honestly, why else would I want him to jump out the window? Gryffindors are so thick.

"Severus, I invited him to come." I glared at Nathanyel.

"_Why?_ I don't want _it_ in my home!"

"I never said I invited him _here_." It took me a moment to absorb the statement.

"You are disgusting! Get your perverted arse and its playmate out of here!"

"I'll have you know that I'm the top."

"Augh!"

"Er... I'm still here," Potter stated uselessly.

"And you're looking gorgeous, by the way," Nathanyel leered.

"You are the most nauseating person on the face of the planet," I grumbled.

"May we have some privacy?"

"No!"

"But-"

"You're not having sex in my house!"

"I never said we were going to have sex."

"I _know_ you were!"

"...Well... Maybe."

"That's it. We're going back downstairs. I don't want you anywhere near a bed."

"I need to talk to him alone," Potter spoke up.

"Fine! I don't care! Just do it downstairs!"

"Yeah, let's go _do it_ downstairs," Nathanyel sniggered.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself sitting alone in the kitchen, sipping tea and hoping that nothing unwanted was occurring within my home. Unfortunately, knowing Nathanyel, it was most likely in vain. However, I was momentarily reassured by his sudden appearance; it didn't last long.

"Nathanyel..." I was feeling extremely apprehensive. "What is _that?_"

"Oh, this?" He glanced at the cup of what looked to be tea in his hand. "Love potion."

"_Why?_" He winked.

"It's a secret." I would have told him how much of an idiot he was, but I was interrupted by that utter twit, Potter.

"Boy, am I thirsty. Thanks, Nathanyel!" And then he drank the love potion.

"YOU ARE A MORON!!" That was me.

"Huh?" He stared at me, his mouth hanging open like some sort of mentally challenged fish. "Severus," he purred. "I never noticed before... But you are absolutely gorgeous." Nathanyel slapped a hand over his mouth and started shaking, turning red from the effort of holding back laughter.

"Get away from me!" And suddenly I was being molested by Potter.

"I need you!"

"ACK!!! GET IT OFF!!!" Nathanyel just laughed at my plight. How cruel! "ARGH!!" The little git was licking me! Luckily, I managed to get to my wand before he did any lasting damage. "_Petrificus totalis!_" Potter fell to the floor with a loud thud, while Nathanyel continued to _guffaw_. That _idiot_. "You. Are. An. Arse!" Unfortunately, he didn't sit still long enough for me to kick him. Too bad, really.

"Oh, come on," Nathanyel sniggered, "it was funny."

"No it wasn't!" Seriously. It wasn't.

"This is my impression of you: I AM OVERCOME BY UNSPEAKABLE RAGE."

"Shut up!"

"I AM CONSTANTLY ENRAGED."

"I said _shut it!_"

"I AM INSANE WITH ANGER FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON."

"_YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!_"

"Alright, alright," Nathanyel conceded, breathless from laughter, "let's just take him out for some fresh air. It should help."

"..." I was ready to explode with rage. I sincerely was. "...Whatever." We walked outside, Nathanyel supporting Potter's rigid weight.

"Good morrow, neighbors!" We all stared wordlessly as a man with a dramatically curled handlebar mustache rode by on an old-fashioned bicycle; you know, the kind with the huge front wheel.

"...Merlin, I'm just going to take my wand to him some day," I growled, watching him go. That creepy man rides by here all the time, and just looking at him pisses me off.

"I do admit that I found that a little strange, even for my tastes." With a grunt, Nathanyel propped Potter against the side of the house.

"How strong was that potion, anyway?" Looking pensive, Nathanyel reached back and patted Potter's crotch.

"Hmm... Pretty strong."

"You're a disgusting pedophilic pervert."

"Says the man sexing my daughter."

"That didn't even make sense."

"Maybe not _grammatically_, but I'm sure I got the point across."

"You're _still_ a disgusting pervert."

"Yes, I suppose I am." He looked as though he was giving the matter serious consideration, then... "Well, seeing as you're in such a prudish mood, I think I'll escort Harry back to his place and take advantage of the situation. I'll be back for dinner, though." With that, he picked up the still immobile Potter and left.

I shudder to think of what he had in mind.

---------------

It was difficult to imagine my parents not together... I mean, I wasn't about to start crying over it, but... They could have said something earlier. Like _before_ the divorce. But that's my parents for you. They always wait until they absolutely _need_ to say something before they say it, no matter how important it may be. In fact, I'll bet that I'm still the only one in the family who knows about it.

Well, maybe Uncle Kristo knows, but he doesn't count. Dad tells him everything, for reasons I can't even fathom. He probably knows more about the wizarding world than I do, for Christ's sake. I should be used to Dad not telling me anything by now, though. It's just that... I thought that at least Mum would try to bring it up.

"What the hell is wrong with you now?" Severus sat down next to me, warily eyeing my typewriter. "That's not gay porn, is it?"

"No," I muttered. "It's at the romantic part."

"As if there's a difference." We sat in silence for a while, the giant grandfather clock in the corner of the study ticking loudly.

"...Did you know?" I finally asked.

"Dammit! I _knew_ this would come back to me."

"You _knew?_ You knew, and you didn't say anything!?"

"It wasn't my place." I glared at him. "Well, would you have rather heard it from me?" I hate it when he has a point. "I told him to say something, but he never listens to me."

"That's because you're an old biddy."

"I don't want to hear it from you, you damned diet nazi!"

"Fine, fine. So, what are we having for dinner?"

"I don't know."

"You'd better decide soon, it's getting late." I smirked smugly as he gritted his teeth.

"_Fine_. I suppose it's just the incomparable grief talking."

"More like the biting hunger."

"You're lucky I put up with you," he grumbled mutinously, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

He's right, of course. I really am lucky.

* * *

And that's it for chapter three. I know, it was pretty short, and it took my for friggin' ever to post it, but... Sorry, those are the breaks. I've got a job now, and school's started, so my time is very constricted. Anyway, the next chapter will be longer, and the SSSers will visit. Plus, Nathanyel gets a piercing and acts like a raging slut (can you say "mid-life crisis?"). And, very possibly, we will witness the return of a certain French maid.

Also, I have a picture up on my livejournal (username MarieGoos) of how I imagine Severus' house. I don't know who the illustrator is, and I don't care. Just go look at it.

So, now that you're done reading this... Go do something useful with your time. Like saving kitties from trees or something.


	4. How to be Absolutely Fabulous

Alright, I have finally finished chapter four. I know some of the fans were waiting rather impatiently for this (especially my special little helper!) but… Now you have it, so you can all read it for ten minutes and start badgering me for another chapter. Because I know at least half of you will do that.

Anyway, this chapter includes THE KISS!!! LIKE OMG!!11!! You'll understand when you read it. It will not resolve any sexual tension, though. Just to let you know.

I also added markers for large time lapses, because it looks kind of sloppy and jerky without them. I think this way is better.

Disclaimer: Standard applies.

-

* * *

- 

Chapter 4: How to be Absolutely Glamorous

-

* * *

_- _

_Seeing love is always uplifting. That's what pornography is for, after all._

_- _

_

* * *

_

-

Severus and I were at the table, eating dinner, when Dad walked in. "Ah, I had such a refreshing time conversing with Harry at his flat. In fact, it was so refreshing, that I think I'll skip dinner completely and go start on that report I've been putting off." Severus grimaced slightly.

"I'm full," he said. "I don't think I could stomach another bite."

"So I'm the only one eating, then?" I queried.

"Yes," Severus grumbled, looking a bit sick. "I think I'll go lay down..." I let out a long, exaggerated groan.

"Fiiiine. I guess I'll eat _alone_."

"I knew you'd understand." At least eating alone meant I didn't have to listen to any of Dad's gross comments or Severus' asinine complaints. Still, it's lonely, eating alone.

Of course, once I was done, I ventured upstairs to look for Severus. I had a hunch that he would be reading in bed like the grumpy old man that he is, and I was right. "What are you reading?"

"None of your business."

"Fine." I crossed my arms and shot him my deadliest glare, which he ignored. "I'll just change the subject."

"Go ahead."

"You know what, Severus?" He let out a grunt.

"What?"

"If you were part of the X-Men, you would be Wolverine."

"...Don't speak."

"But-"

"Never again." I made my way over to the bed, and sat down to read over his shoulder for a while. I knew it would get his attention, since he hates it so much. "Did you want something?" I am always right.

"...I'll bet you don't even know who the X-Men are."

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep tonight."

"Hah! I knew it!"

"I suggest you keep your wand under your pillow."

"Where's Dad, by the way?"

"No idea. Oh, and sleep with one eye open."

"You can stop that now."

"Hmph. We're almost out of coffee."

"I think we should fight each other like in those kung fu movies to settle our differences from now on."

"...I'm going out for dessert."

"Enjoy yourself. I, sadly, must stay behind. You see, I care about my health, unlike _some_ people."

"Too bad for you, then." I let him get the last word in; after all, he did seem to be under some stress (because of Dad). Speaking of whom, I was wondering what he was up to. So, I skipped off to find him. It really wasn't that difficult; he was in the study, which is where everyone goes to do everything in the whole wide world.

"Hey, Dad." He let out a long-suffering sigh.

"What is it?" He didn't seem in the mood to talk.

"You owe me." He groaned. "You just sprung this whole divorce issue on me out of the blue, so you owe me. As payment, I think you should show me pictures of you when you were young."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Are you _attracted_ to me?"

"_You're so gross!_" I threw a pillow at him. Dad just chuckled and twisted his head around (much farther than normal) to give me a sleazy smile. "_Asshole!_" I hit him with another throw pillow.

"Alright, alright." He turned all the way around. "I _guess_ I might have a photo album." With a groan, he stood up and left the room. YES! I WIN!

He came back with the skimpiest photo album I'd ever seen; it was easy to tell that he had taken a lot of pictures out of it. In fact, the first thing I saw when I opened it was a picture with one of the occupants ripped out. "Who'd you rip out of here?"

"My father."

"...Oh." Dad gets kind of creepy whenever his father is brought up. Well, creepier than usual. "You didn't like him, right?"

"That's a bit of an understatement." I didn't want to press the issue; Dad would probably say something weird, anyway, like, "I was smitten by the lustful curves of vengeance!" Or whatever. He's actually said that before.

"How'd he die?"

"Murder." I decided that it wasn't the best subject to pursue and (for once) dropped it. "Anyway, I've got things to do. Enjoy yourself." With that, he left the room. Huh.

So, I looked down at the photos. There were some shots of Lucius Malfoy, which was... Kind of creepy. I skipped ahead until I found something with Severus in it. Aww, they were so cute. Like little miniature versions of their current selves. Dad was sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes, while Severus made a disgruntled face and gave him a smack upside the head. Then there was another of Dad kissing him on the cheek and him looking rather disgusted at it.

I also saw... Le gasp! Remus! With Lucius Malfoy! And it was easy to tell that they were fucking... I could see it in their eyes! Alright, so maybe that's not much to go on. I could still see it, though. The eyes are the windows to the bedroom!

Anyway, there were pictures of the two of them being all buddy-buddy with Dad and so on... Remus and Dad... Remus putting the moves on Dad while he stood by, completely oblivious... Wow, Remus has really been working hard at that, hasn't he?

"What are you looking at?" Severus had walked into the room and spotted me.

"Your mother."

"Is that a photo album?"

"Yes." I flipped to a page with him on it. "Look at how cute you were! Awww!"

"Put that away!" I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Why should I?"

"It's embarrassing!"

"I already have pictures of you from school, anyway," I sighed nonchalantly, shutting the album.

"...What?"

"Never mind." I jumped up and made for the door. "Why don't I make spanakopita for dinner tonight?" After that statement, the subject was forgotten.

--- ---

I was feeling alright, finally, with the living arrangements. In fact, the next day, I actually sort of _missed_ Dad. I'd thought he had off, but he was nowhere to be seen. I was feeling a bit lonely, especially since Severus was so absorbed in his lesson plans. He ventured into the kitchen for lunch, but didn't seem in the mood to talk.

That was when I heard the front door open and close, followed by the sound of footsteps. "That must be Dad," I stated, getting up to go greet him in the entrance hall. I found him in front of the door, wiping his feet on an expensive oriental rug.

"Dad! I thought you had off today. Where were you?" He grinned at me.

"Celebrating my new found freedom." I scowled.

"How?" Still grinning like an idiot, he yanked his shirt up, exposing... Himself.

"Check it out!" His right nipple was pierced.

"You pierced your nipple!?"

"Yeah! Isn't it sexy?"

"No! And why did you only pierce one? Why not both?"

"I like the asymmetrical look." he fingered the little silver hoop a bit. "I always wanted to get something pierced," he sighed. "This is so great! I can't wait to show Sev!"

"Show me what?" Severus entered the room, took one look at Dad's exposed chest, and left the way he came.

"He likes it," Dad informed me.

"Dad... I... Don't like looking at your nipples. Please, cover yourself."

"Hypocrite," he muttered, dropping his shirt. "My sun kissed chocolate nipples are so much better than yours."

"Yeah, keep dreaming."

"Whatever you say." Then he triple-snapped at me. "If you'll excuse me-"

"Wait up a minute!" He paused, already having started for the door. "I need to go grocery shopping. You're going to help."

"Why?"

"Because you're the fastest bag in the west." Dad smirked at me. "And I'm lazy. Now, come."

"All over myself." I suppressed my vomit long enough to snap at him.

"That has no effect on me!"

So, off we skipped to the market to get groceries for the week. As we stepped outside the house, that crazy bicycle man with the handlebar mustache rode by.

"Good morrow, neighbors!"

"Back at ya!" I flashed him a thumbs up before continuing on my way, dragging Dad along. He kept flashing random people on the street, and I pretended that we weren't together. Finally, after nearly being beaten down by an outraged mother of two, we made it to the market.

"Oh, hullo, Minnie! Look what I got!" I dodged behind a stack of produce while Dad flashed Professor McGonagall.

"What in Merlin's beard do you think you're doing?" I heard her shrill. "This is a public building!" After she scolded him a bit more and walked away, I crawled out from behind the produce.

"Dad, please stop exposing yourself in public."

"But-"

"No." With a long-suffering sigh, he followed me over to the bread aisle.

"Don't be such a prude."

"I'm not prude, I'm _normal_. And _embarrassed_ by you."

"Hmph." He cheered up once we found a loaf of honey banana bread, though. To my disappointment, this distraction didn't last long.

"Hullo. Fancy seeing you here." It was Remus; I groaned.

"Remus, look!" Fast as lightning, his shirt came up.

"Er..." Remus blushed, his mouth falling slightly open.

"It's sexy, right?"

"...Yes." He certainly seemed to like it.

"Dad, cover yourself."

"But-"

"No." And, once again, he was willing to fulfill my wishes.

"Er- well, uh... It was... Nice." Dad beamed at him.

"I _knew_ you'd like it!" Remus looked very pleased.

"So," I cut in, "seen any good sales yet?" Remus shrugged.

"I'm planning on enjoying my new life as a swinging single," Dad informed us enthusiastically. "This is just the beginning."

"Don't tell me this," I pleaded.

"I'm going to paint the town red!"

"Really?" I could tell that Remus was quite interested.

"Oh, yes. I'm really going to whore it up." My brain exploded.

"Why are you saying this in front of me? I don't want to hear you talk about having sex!"

"Why not? I do it all the time."

"OH GOD."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain," Remus reminded me.

"You are _not_ a priest!"

"Kristo's had sex, too," Dad stated airily.

"Ew!"

"And Remus."

"Well, that's alright. Remus is sexy, after all."

"True." Remus offered us a weak smile. "Say, are you seeing anyone?"

"No." He was starting to get his hopes up, the poor man.

"Hm. Nice to have some time to yourself, I hope."

"Yes. Right."

"Remus, why don't you join us for dinner tonight?" I suggested, taking pity on him.

"Oh, I wouldn't want to be a burden."

"Don't be silly! Dad's a burden, yes, but you aren't."

"I shouldn't-"

"Pleeeeaaaase?" Dad interjected. I could see that it was impossible for Remus to resist his more than limited charms.

"...Alright, if you insist."

"We're going to have so much fun, Remus!" I rolled my eyes. "Come on, let's go steal things from the deli!" He dragged Remus off, practically skipping.

It had become official that day. My father was going through a mid-life crisis. Alright, it was a bit early, but these things happen. I was convinced he'd be getting tattoos and dating women _my_ age within the week.

"So..." And dinner did nothing to relieve my suspicions.

"Do you think I should get a tattoo?" At least the conversation was interesting.

"What? _Why?_" Although, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of Dad getting a tattoo.

"You know, on my arse. What do you think, Remus?"

"Hm? Er..." Remus tinged a bit pink. "Do whatever you want with your arse, Nathanyel."

"Just don't involve me," Severus added.

"Or me," I joined. Remus remained silent.

"Maybe I'll get a big heart and Severus' name tattooed on my left buttock," Dad stated airily.

"You disgust me," Severus snapped.

"Fine, then. No tattoo for you. I'll get Remus' name instead." Remus blushed.

"Why is this even being discussed?" I asked.

"To cause you physical and emotional pain."

"Oh."

Dinner was... Well, basically like that. Dad making an ass out of himself, Severus complaining, and Remus blushing like a schoolgirl. All in all, it was pretty standard. Afterward, however, I was left to clean up while Dad dragged Remus off, probably to show him his piercing again. "I think that was rather a disaster," Severus commented, sipping some tea at the table.

"Are you going to help me clean up or not?" I grumbled.

"I think not."

"You are an awful, terrible man who smells bad."

"I most certainly do _not_ smell bad."

"Whatever." I sighed, staring down at the dirty dishes. "Do you think Remus really fancies Dad?"

"You're just noticing this?"

"Well... It's weird. Besides, I feel bad for him."

"I feel worse for myself, having to watch those disgusting displays." I rolled my eyes.

"How kind of you."

"Speaking of which, I'd better make sure Lupin isn't molesting him." Severus stood up and swept out of the room, scowling. He tries to act nonchalant, but I can tell when he's worried. That big softie.

---------------

I headed straight for my study, since it was the only relatively private room in the house with a comfortable sofa. Everyone always seems to congregate there, and I've been getting rather sick of it.

Of course, there they were, on _my_ sofa. Nathanyel, the dirty shirt lifter, was showing off that _thing_ he'd gotten. I swear, sometimes I just can't understand him. Why would he want Lupin ogling him like that? It's nauseating.

I crossed my arms and waited to be noticed. "That must have hurt," Lupin commented.

"A little." Nathanyel shrugged, beaming down at his... Atrocity.

"May I... Er... Touch it?"

"Sure." I could not believe I had to witness such a scene. "Mph. That feels nice..." Oh, for the love of Merlin!

"Does it?" Lupin was getting awfully close.

"Yeah..." Nathanyel certainly didn't seem to object, either, the slut.

"Augh!" They pulled apart, and with a squeak, Nathanyel dove behind the back of the sofa. Lupin looked a bit disgruntled.

Well, who could blame me? I didn't want to watch them shove their tongues down each other's throats! Though, they probably didn't have enough time to add some tongue.

"Hey, hey." Nathanyel popped his head up from behind the couch. "I've got to listen to you fuck my daughter every night. I think you could handle a little kiss." I could tell I was turning red.

"Shut it!"

"Why don't you just stay out of it, Mr. Humbert?"

"You're the one who's always meddling!"

"I can do whoever I want!"

"Wah wah wah! You sound like a whiny little baby!"

"Maybe I am! I know you like them young, you Lolita loving pervert!"

"It's a lot better than bestiality!"

"It isn't the full moon!"

"I'll bet you'd do it on a full moon, anyway!"

"Maybe I would!" An eerie silence fell over the room. "...Or... Maybe not."

"You are such an idiot. I don't even know why I care what happens to you." I crossed my arms and turned my back on him. "Go off and do whatever you want; it doesn't matter to me if you end up dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Fine! I don't care whether you care or if you care that I don't care or not, because _I don't care!_"

"You really showed him," I heard Lupin mutter as I stalked away.

"..._Waaaahhh! Sevums hates me now!_"

The best way to deal with Nathanyel's tantrums is to ignore them.

Even if they keep you up all night.

--- ---

The next day marked the countdown until that damn hypocrite's brain dead friends would arrive for their little stay. I got out of bed thinking that in just over twenty-four hours they would be in my home, making my life even worse than it already was. It was rather depressing, actually. It didn't help my mood, either, when I found Nathanyel sulking at the dinner table. "Oh, please," I grumbled, pouring myself some of the coffee he'd evidently made.

"I have every right to be cross with you," he sniffed indignantly.

"Oh, do you? Because I believe that _you_ are the one who was about to fornicate with a werewolf on _my_ sofa!"

"I was _not_ going to fornicate with him!"

"You looked pretty damn cozy to me."

"I wouldn't just fornicate with Remus like that! What do you take me for, a slut?"

"Yes."

"At least I don't fornicate with my friend's daughter!"

"Will you stop using the word 'fornicate' already? You sound like a damn textbook!"

"You're the one who started it in the first place! Besides, what's wrong with fornication? I'll fornicate all I like! Fornicate, fornicate, _fornicate!_" I was beginning to get a headache.

"What about fornication?" Great, now _she_ was up, as well.

"Good morning, Nadia," Nathanyel greeted with a smile. "Severus and I were just discussing what he likes to do in his free time."

"Tell me about it."

"I would rather not discuss this at the breakfast table," I snapped.

"Fine, Mr. Grumpypants. I'll just grab a bite of toast and be off for my latest job applications."

"Good luck." I failed to mask my sarcasm; most likely because I didn't actually _try_.

"Haha," she grumbled, taking a slice of toast from Nathanyel's plate and exiting the room.

"You two seem to get along rather swimmingly," he commented, apparently sincere in his observation.

"Right."

"A lot better than we get along, at least."

"Nathanyel, if you have something to say, then just say it."

"Well... I wanted to say that I think we should make up." I rolled my eyes. "Let's have some make up fornication."

"Hohoho. You slay me."

"Really, though. I don't like fighting with you."

"Fine, fine. We're made up."

"With glitter and sparkles?"

"If you insist."

"Yay! Okay, I'm going to work now. Give me a kiss goodbye!"

"I am _not_ kissing you goodbye."

"But I want a kiss on the cheek and I want it now!"

"_No!_"

"Fine, then. I'll kiss you!" And he did, rather sloppily. I was wiping the slobber off of my cheek when the girl came in and put some more on there.

"Bye bye, my cuddly ickle sparklewhore!" I shuddered in disgust.

"Good day."

On the bright side, I was finally left alone. I knew that I probably wouldn't have such peace and quiet in a long time, so I tried my best to treasure it. However, upon entering my study and approaching my desk, I found a note from Nathanyel requesting that I research... Uterine surgery. He'd even provided the books for me. So it was that with a heavy sigh, I sat down and began working my way through the pile of books.

--- ---

"I have a gift for you, Severus." Scowling, I looked up at Nathanyel, briefly abandoning my study. It was difficult to believe that it was lunchtime already.

"Is it not enough for you that I'm researching uterine surgery for Merlin knows what reason?"

"No, but I do appreciate it." He circled around to stand behind my chair and hung a framed photograph in my face. "Nice, right?" It was the... Creature.

"Dear lord."

"You know you like it." It was the most frightening thing I'd ever seen.

"She has your smile." He leaned around the back of the chair to give me that idiotic smile, with his face scrunched up and all his teeth showing. "It's eerie."

"I know. I thought you might want to look at it all the time."

"I _don't_." He kept smiling. "Stop that!"

"We look identical, whooooo! Spooky like a ghost!"

"You don't even make sense." I pushed him away. "Do you want me to read about uteruses or not?"

"I'll just go put this on your desk."

"It isn't necessary."

"It most certainly is." With a flourish, he placed the photograph on the polished surface of my desk, forever tarnishing it. "There, now isn't that lovely? I love it."

"I vomit on it."

"Don't say things like that. I know you don't mean it."

"Every day I am forced to watch her disgusting habits and listen to her inane babble. I'm fairly sure that a large portion of my brain has simply exploded from such prolonged exposure to her."

"You're so mean."

"I don't think so."

"You _know_ you like her."

"Maybe her cooking." She does make a heavenly leg of lamb.

"You _like_ her. You _like_ like her."

"What are you, four? Get over yourself."

"Somebody's in looooove!" He taunted.

"You know that isn't true."

"Ah, they grow up so fast."

"Nathanyel!" He stopped, looking puzzled at my less than patient tone.

"Yes?"

"Shut it." He closed his mouth with an audible click, tightly pressing his lips together until they disappeared. "I don't know how I've managed to put up with you for so long."

"Mmmffmmfffpphhhmm." I glared at him.

"Open your mouth."

"I said, 'Because you love me.'"

"Hn." I didn't bother to deny it.

"Love you, too, sweet-cheeks." He blew a kiss at me, then bounced out of the room without another word. I glared after him, then tried to return to studying the atrocious book before me.

It was rather difficult to concentrate, though, so I moved over to the desk. I tried to ignore the picture staring at me, with that annoyingly large smile, but it was difficult to avoid. Finally, I gave in and moved it to a less cluttered spot.

Nathanyel would nag me too much if I put it away, anyway.

--- ---

I was staring absently at that ridiculous picture Nathanyel had given me of his asinine daughter, having lost my train of thought while outlining lesson plans, when the beast in question entered the room. "What's going on, my homeslice?" Thinking quickly, I slapped the photograph face down on the desk.

"It is absolutely none of your concern."

"Lesson plans?"

"Yes."

"Are you teaching loooooove potions, for twu wub?"

"No."

"Would you like to spare a moment for dinner?"

"...You made dinner?" She crossed her arms.

"What, you're surprised?"

"I thought you were done for the month." She rolled her eyes. "What did you make?"

"Tuna sandwiches and soup." I stared at her. "What?"

"You call _that_ dinner?"

"Oh, fuck you." I do enjoy tuna, though. "And you've got dish duty," she grumbled, walking out of the room.

Sometimes I think it would be easier living with a hag.

---------------

It was a Saturday when Ginny, Luna, and Colin arrived with their respective luggage. Colin's had old lady flower prints all over it. "Good day, my dear friends!" I exclaimed, flaunting the fact that I lived with Severus by throwing my arms wide to present to them my current residence. "It's so good to see you all again!" Just then, Dad walked into the room, fresh from the shower and wearing a set of new green robes. Sweetheart was perched contentedly atop his head. He stretched for a long time and surveyed the room. "You remember my father," I said to Colin, noticing his slightly nervous state. "And this is his fwooper, Sweetheart. Dad, you remember Colin, Ginny and Luna..." His eyes lit up and a wide grin spread across his face. It was nice to see him so happy; Luna had visited last summer and Dad had gotten along spectacularly with her.

"Luna!" he exclaimed. He rushed over to her and shook her hand animatedly. "So good to see you again! How have you been? How's your father? Any good news? Have you spotted a skunkfooted hypodroquad recently?" She took the barrage of questions in stride, smiling benignly and answering in her usual far-off voice.

"I'm alright. My father is currently trying to prove that Nundu bones have powerful restorative properties, and is doing well. I haven't spotted a skunkfooted hypodroquad, but sightings have been reported throughout Brighton." He looked absolutely thrilled, which was relieving and troubling at the same time.

"Wonderful!" He greeted Ginny and Colin, then went about his morning routine. He was so happy, that as he did so, he took the silencing charm off of Sweetheart and started warbling along with her. After a while, Luna was the only one not covering her ears.

"When will they stop?" Ginny asked over the noise.

"No idea!" I answered. After a bit longer, Dad replaced Sweetheart's silencing charm and placed her in my hands.

"I'm off to work." He kissed me on the cheek. "I'll see you later, dearest. Good day, Ginny; Colin." He shook Ginny and Colin's hands, then turned to Luna and took her hand. "...Luna." He leaned down and kissed it, flashed her a charming smile, then swept out of the room. I, in the meantime, felt like vomiting.

"Your dad's a nutter," Colin said bluntly.

"Well, he's a bit eccentric," Ginny agreed, "but..."

"But what?" I asked warily. She turned to me, looking apprehensive.

"I mean, he's just so... So..." She seemed to be searching for the right word. "...So sexlicious!" I nearly fell to the floor, and I could hear Severus let out a snort of laughter.

"What?!?"

"I agree," Luna said faintly, looking down at her hand.

"You're both _terrible!_" I exclaimed. At that moment, Severus walked up behind me and leaned over to mutter in my ear.

"I'll be out for a while. Try not to destroy anything." He squeezed my shoulder and was gone without another word. After the sound of the door slamming shut was heard, our discussion continued.

"Look who's talking," Ginny retorted, obviously referring to Severus.

"Severus is sexy," I replied. "End of story."

"And he certainly seems very caring, as well," Colin cut in.

"He _is_," I snapped.

"Why is your father here?" Luna asked faintly, sitting at the table.

"My parents are divorced," I replied grudgingly.

"So suddenly?" Colin asked, sounding surprised.

"He said they were waiting for the right time to tell me," I muttered. It always made me miserable to talk about it.

"So..." Ginny fished around for some way to change the topic. However, it was Colin who provided one.

"Any house rules?" he asked.

"Just two," I answered casually. "Don't bother Severus, especially when he's in a foul mood." Colin and Ginny rolled their eyes, while Luna just stared expectantly at me, unblinking. "And of course, the most important rule: If you hear laughter from behind any closed door at all, don't open it. Don't look. Just steer clear."

"Why?" Colin seemed intrigued.

"Just trust me on this. You don't want to find out." He looked a bit uncomfortable; I suppose a possibility had occurred. "Anyway, I'll show you to your rooms. Try not to upset the portraits as we go along; we'll be up all night."

"_You'll_ be up all night, either way," Ginny replied. "Bow chika bow wow!"

"Augh, you sound like Dad!" There was a short pause in the conversation.

"Your Dad actually talks to you like that?" Colin replied incredulously.

"Of course! You've met him."

"Where have _you_ been?" Luna added nonchalantly. Colin just rolled his eyes.

"Alright, here we are!" I forced my way through one of the doors in the guest wing that always got stuck, coughing slightly in the musty air. "As you can see, Severus doesn't get a lot of visitors. This room, the next one, and the one across the hall are all up for grabs. Dad's at the opposite end of the corridor if you need anything; he knows his way around, so don't worry." They looked rather doubtful (if you could call Luna's expression that.) "So... Who wants this room?"

After everyone had gotten settled in, we stood around in awkward silence for a bit. Luckily, Ginny knew exactly what to say.

"How's the sex?"

"Eww!" Colin groaned.

"It's good. I'm especially fond of his menstrual fetish."

"Augh!"

"He's such a sweetheart."

"That's enough! No more!"

"Fine, fine." I sighed, lamenting the loss of my ability to brag about my sex life, due to my conscience. "It's just so nice to be able to talk about all this." I indicated my own room, which I had immediately insisted upon showing to them once they were set up in their rooms.

"I thought you shared a room," Luna commented. I scowled at her.

"We share when we sex each other," I replied defiantly.

"I do _not_ want to know about your sex life with Snape," Colin grimaced.

"Alright, already," I replied irritably. "So... Let's catch up and dress Colin in drag!"

"Yeah!" Ginny agreed. "We'll make him look so glam!"

"I've got a few things we could use," Luna informed us, leaving to retrieve said items.

"I'll tie him up while you get your make up," I told Ginny.

"Right."

"Wait!" Colin wailed as I advanced on him. "What about _my_ opinion?"

"That doesn't matter right now." It was surprisingly easy to get him tied up like a nice little package; I suspected that he wasn't struggling to his fullest ability.

"Let's get this party started!" Ginny announced, walking in with Luna. "I've got the lipstick. This is _so_ your shade of red, Colin. And I have some glitter and eye shadow, too. What do you think we should do with his hair?" Luna held up a scarlet ribbon.

"Perfect!" I exclaimed. "I've got some hair care stuff here that we can use, and nail polish."

"I have an outfit," Luna informed us. Colin cringed and tried to get away as we advanced on him, but he was outnumbered and mostly immobile.

Within an hour we had him completely glammed out. Red lipstick, bronze eye shadow, silver sparkles, and green nail polish were, in my opinion, the best parts of the ensemble. His hair was carefully mussed, topped off by the ribbon; he wore a shiny gold tank top and a rather fetching skirt. "It is a masterpiece," Ginny declared.

"Certainly," Luna agreed.

"Let's take pictures!" I suggested.

"You're all sick," Colin grumbled. I could tell he was enjoying it, though.

"What are you-" Severus stopped mid-sentence, only one foot through the door, staring at us in a mixture of shock and disgust. "I am appalled." After that, he high-tailed it out of there.

"What is it? Severus? What did you see? I wanna see, I wanna see!" Dad came running into the room like a small child on Christmas. Upon seeing Colin, he became... Ecstatic. "Let me get the camera!"

"The family resemblance is really astounding," Ginny noted as Dad scurried from the room.

"Please, don't take pictures," Colin begged. It was too late for him, though.

"Okay, smile!" Dad had returned with the camera and begun snapping photos. "Get in the picture, Nadia!" I did so quite willingly. We all took turns taking pictures with Colin, including Dad (I was a bit disturbed when he licked him) and then Dad took a picture of us as a group.

"This is going straight in the photo album!" I proclaimed.

"Every single shot," Luna added. Colin groaned.

"This reminds me so much of my long lost youth," Dad sighed. "I wish I had someone like you girls to do my makeup for me." My mouth almost dropped open. Almost would be the operative word.

"Let's do it!" Ginny proclaimed excitedly. "We can take pictures of Mr. Page snogging Colin in drag!" We all stared at her. "...Er... That is... We can take pictures of Mr. Page _not_ snogging Colin, but still in drag."

"That sounds..." I waited for Dad to disgust me with his old glam ways. "...Fabulous!"

"I'll do the hair, this time," Luna decided.

"And I'll go get my old party clothes! Wheee!"

"My life is horrible," I complained.

"Oh, come on," Ginny tried to comfort me. "It's fun getting your dad involved in the festivities!"

"You just want to see him in makeup."

"True. And snogging another boy. Or me." I scowled at her.

So it was that Dad was "glammed out" as well. He even gave us some pointers on how to do it "the proper way." Although, I must admit that Luna did a great job with the hair. It had sparkles in it!

The preparation was followed by a photo shoot with our two glam models, followed by Dad untying Colin and dragging him downstairs to show Severus, who immediately suffered from an apoplectic fit. "I'm even wearing my pretty pink knickers!" Dad informed him, much to Ginny's delight.

"_Get out of my house!_" was his jovial reply.

Well... Maybe not _jovial_, exactly...

All in all, it was a rather disgusting (for me at least,) yet rewarding night.

---------------

I was relieved when the group of rowdy children infesting my house had finally fallen asleep. Every moment up until then had been complete horror; especially when they tied me up and tried to "do my makeup." I wouldn't allow it. Nathanyel, on the other hand, was soaking it up. I wanted to rip his glittery face right off of his glittery head. "Good evening, mon ami," the culprit in questing greeted, sans makeup, but still in those horrid clothes.

"You are a horrifying, twisted individual."

"You liked it just fine when we were younger," he protested, pouting.

"Because I was young and _stupid_."

"Harumph. Well, anyway, _I_ had fun."

"You didn't spend the whole time with them, did you?"

"Naw, I let the kids have their privacy. Nadia looked ready to go off on me, anyway." I crossed my arms.

"And I wonder why that would be?" He shrugged.

"I've absolutely no idea." I narrowed my eyes at him and pursed my lips to show my disapproval, but it didn't seem to be working. "Anyway, I wonder what they're all up to tomorrow? Do you think maybe Nadia would mind if I joined in again?"

"Nathanyel..." I eyed him warily. "You seem awfully happy about your daughter's friends visiting." He had such a deceptively innocent look on his face; I was not fooled for a second.

"Why wouldn't I be happy?" he replied, grinning. "Fresh meat!" I suppressed the urge to backhand him.

"You're an idiot."

"By the end of this week I vow to bed all three of them," he declared haughtily.

"Is that a bet?"

"Please. In what situation would it _not_ be?"

"Alright, then. If I win, you have to move out, immediately."

"And if _I_ win, you have to go on a date with Nadia."

"You disgust me."

"Is it a deal?"

"Yes." We even shook hands on in, like proper gentlemen. Nathanyel seemed fairly sure of himself, but I could sense the iota of doubt in his mind.

I was absolutely convinced that I was most definitely going to win this bet.

-

* * *

- 

And that's it for this chapter. I hope everyone liked it.

Next chapter: The visit continues. Nadia is further embarrassed by Nathanyel, but those are the breaks. Severus still doesn't like her, but she deals with it. Maybe next chapter that appearance by a certain person I've been promising will happen. If not… I have my reasons. Alright, now scamper off to your respective burrows and prepare for the holidays.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal. And a Happy New Year.


	5. Pranking, Skanking, and Perhaps Some Wan...

OH GOD YES! I finally finished this chapter. I'll bet you thought I'd given up! However, five months later... Yeah. Let's just say that I've been busy. Anyway, that character appearance I've been promising... It's not going to happen this chapter. Next chapter, I swear! This one is more... Conversation about... Things. And Nathanyel being a weirdo. Poor, poor Colin.

Anyway, dig in!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is neither my bitch nor my ho.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Pranking, Skanking, and Perhaps Some Wanking**

- - -  
_  
The excitement is in the chase; that's why married couples are so boring._

- - -

I woke up rather late, and immediately shuffled downstairs for breakfast; it was just one of those days when you wake up hungry. On the way down the stairs, I encountered an extremely sparkly and livid Severus. Seriously, though, he was trailing a cloud of silver sparkles. "...What happened to you?" I muttered, suppressing a yawn.

"Your psychotic father doused me in glitter and I can't get it off!" I stared at him a bit before bursting out into laughter.

"That is absolutely priceless! I'll go get Colin, so he can take a picture!" I ran off in search of Colin, giggling like a little school girl.

"Get back here!" Severus came after me, of course.

"Never! This must be recorded!" I nearly fell over when I was suddenly bombarded with a flash of light.

"Hah! I got you!" Dad was standing in front of us with a camera. "I knew I could cut you off with that secret passage behind the west wing tapestry!"

"Give me that!" Severus growled, reaching for it.

"Oh, no you don't!" Dad ran off, giggling madly, with Severus in hot pursuit.

I decided not to follow, since I'd probably be in some way traumatized, seeing as Dad was involved. Instead, I headed to the kitchen for a nice, hearty breakfast. Ginny and Colin were sitting at the table, wolfing down cereal. "What's for breakfast?"

"Cap'n Crunch," Ginny replied, pushing the box toward me.

"Where did this come from?"

"Your dad brought it home," Colin informed me. "Said we needed something sugary."

"Aha. Right." I grabbed a bowl and filled it up. "Where was he coming from?"

"Work," Ginny answered, sipping her milk. "He spent the night over at the Ministry."

"Not again," I grumbled. "If he doesn't get a good night's sleep, then he'll just take a pepper up potion and keep on going. He'll probably be up for days, now."

"I just dropped in to say that I'm going to work!" Dad ran into the room, kissed me on the cheek, then sprinted back out. All the while, he was still holding the camera.

"Where is he?" Severus skidded to a halt, glaring around the room.

"He went to work." I frowned at him. "And now you will explain to me why I am eating cereal instead of eggs and bacon." He glared back.

"Because you're lazy," he snapped.

"Or maybe because you can't cook!"

"I am not your maid! Do you expect me to do everything for you?"

"Yes." He seemed rather put off. "And the laundry is piling up, by the way. When are you getting to that?"

"Listen here, you filthy-"

"Not in front of the guests, now, Professor Peepee Face."

"Argh!" Severus stormed off, apparently too frustrated to continue our conversation.

"I don't think he likes you very much," Ginny observed calmly.

"I have no idea why," I replied, slurping the milk from my bowl.

"So, what are we doing today?" Colin asked. "Besides dressing me up, that is."

"I don't know. Do you have an idea, young Ginevra?"

"Nope." Ginny frowned, furrowing her brow. "We'd have to wait for Luna to get up first, anyway."

"She's still asleep?"

"Yup. Well, we could always go out and about, breathe the fresh air, soak up the sun, etcetera." There was a long pause whilst we all contemplated this idea.

"Naahhhh."

"We could booby-trap the house all day," Colin suggested.

"Now that is a good idea," I commended him.

"Booby-traps?" Luna yawned as she joined us.

"You bet!"

"Alright," Ginny said, her voice taking on a rather dominatrix-like tone, "let's get down to business-"

"To defeat the Huns!" I interrupted.

"...You watch too much of that muggle television. Anyway, let's start planning. First off, Nadia, where does Snape spend most of his time?"

"Hmm..." I took a moment to think over his routine. "Well, he spends a lot of time in the study... That's probably where he'll head when he gets back. And he checks the ice box like clockwork, even if he knows there's nothing in it. He'll head for the basement, too, but we should stay away from there because I don't want him falling down a flight of stairs and breaking anything... Then he'd be no good in bed. And, of course, speaking of that... We should booby trap the bedroom. Alright, team, let's move out!"

"But what kind of booby traps are we making?" Colin asked, before I could stomp out of the room like a soldier.

"Tarring and feathering?" Luna suggested.

"Except that the hot tar would melt his skin off," Ginny replied.

"I don't mind," Colin stated casually.

"Well I do," I protested. "We'll use honey instead. Uncle Kristo gave me a huge jar before I moved here, and I've barely eaten any of it."

"What are you talking about?" Severus walked into the room, glaring at us as we all froze and remained completely silent.

"Maybe he won't see us," I whispered.

"Right." Severus rolled his eyes like the little fag that he is. "I'm going out. I've run out of a few rare ingredients and I need to place some special orders, so I'll be gone for a while. Don't ruin my house." With that, he whirled around and prowled away. We waited until we heard the front door close behind him before relaxing.

"This is going to be good." Ginny grinned happily.

--- ---

By the time Severus got home, we had set up our ingenious booby traps, or, as in the immortal words of Data, "booty traps." He seemed tired and grumpy, which would make the results all the more rewarding. I was quite excited to see how everything had turned out, actually. Besides, he's mean to me, so he deserves it. Hmph!

"What are you smiling about?" he grumbled as he slunk into the kitchen, where the four of us were sitting.

"Nothing," I replied airily.

"...Right." He placed the bags he'd carried in with him on the counter top, then straightened his back with an audible cracking noise. "Well, everything seems to be in order... Thank the Lord."

"It's not as if we were planting bombs the whole time you were gone," I replied indignantly.

"I wouldn't put it past you," he growled, shuffling back out of the room and heading upstairs. We all watched him tentatively, waiting for some screaming to begin.

"You think he'll use the bathroom in his bedroom?" Ginny asked quietly; it was one of the places we'd booby trapped.

"Of course," I replied in a whisper. "It's the only one he ever uses."

"That Reflection Charm on the toilet was a great idea," Colin murmured, grinning.

"Shh," Luna chided, pointing towards the ceiling.

We all fell silent, our eyes turning to the staircase as we waited with baited breath. Several minutes passed by without incident. Then...

"ARRRRRGH!"

We all suppressed laughter as the screams drifted down from the upstairs bathroom.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TOILET?"

I burst out into hysterical laughter, just picturing the look on his face.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY! I AM COVERED IN MY OWN URINE!"

"You should be more careful next time!" I shouted back as he began to swear at me.

We all dissolved into helpless laughter, just imagining what Severus looked like, fuming and covered in his own urine.

"What's so funny?" Dad walked in, dropping his briefcase on the floor as he approached the bags Severus had brought home and investigated.

"R-Reflection Charm on the toilet," I gasped.

"Aha," he replied, pulling out some cheese and sniffing at it.

"What are you doing home, anyway?"

"Thought I'd take an extended lunch break." He reached for the ice box handle, but with a lot of shouting we all managed to stop him.

"We booby trapped it!" Ginny informed him.

"With honey," I added.

"And feathers outside the study."

"I'm going to lure him there."

"I see," Dad replied, grinning madly. "If there's anything I can do to help..."

"Why thank you, kind sir."

A few moments later, Severus came stomping down the stairs, absolutely red in the face. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I pointed at Dad.

"What the hell is wrong with you, then?" he growled, turning to Dad.

"The groceries will go bad if you don't put them in the ice box," he replied.

With a long-suffering sigh, Severus swept over to the ice box and yanked it open. He was immediately splattered with the rest of Uncle Kristo's delicious honey. "ARGH!"

"Run for it!" Dad exclaimed. I was already on my feet and heading out the door.

Severus was hot on my trail. Just as we'd planned, I headed straight for the study, jumping over the trip wire we'd set up as I raced inside. I turned around just in time to see him run straight into the wire and get covered in fluffy white feathers. "Bwahahaha!" I pointed and laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes.

"This is not funny!"

"Wow, Severus," Dad stated in wonder as he walked in, "I knew that you weren't really the brave type... But I never knew that you were a chicken!"

"You- You-" Severus began to turn a rather fetching shade of maroon. I'd forgotten how much I like him when he's careened beyond the boundaries of reasonable anger.

"You're filthy," I calmly informed him, holding in my laughter. It didn't help that the others had arrived on the scene and were red in the face from doing the same. "You should get in the shower."

"I will get you for this." He stalked off toward the bathroom, grumbling under his breath.

"Ooooooh!" Dad exclaimed. "You's in trouble!"

"That was the most glorious moment in my life," Colin informed us as he walked in with Luna and Ginny.

"Well, that made my lunch break. I can now return to work, refreshed and reenergized."

"Bye, Dad."

This was going to be a good day.

* * *

---------------

I was trying to relax after a hectic day and an even more hectic evening when Nathanyel walked into my bedroom, scowling, and dropped his briefcase on the floor. Then, he stalked over to the bookcase and began rifling around in it. I treated the intrusion as an everyday occurrence, most likely because it was, at one point. "Hello, Nathanyel." He grunted. I watched him looking through the books, waiting for him to crack.

"Severus." It didn't take long.

"Yes?" He turned to face me.

"Don't you have something to ask me?" I raised my eyebrows; he pointed at the frown fixed on his face.

"Alright," I sighed. "You seem troubled, Nathanyel. Is there something wrong?"

"Yes!" He walked up to my bed and flopped down on it. "It's Remus."

"Did he molest you again?" I inquired.

"No. He apologized for kissing me."

"Ah, how sweet."

"No! It's a bad thing." I stared at him for a bit.

"What?"

"Why can't he just follow his instincts for once? It makes me so angry!" I could feel shock spreading through my body.

"Wait- don't tell me you fancy him?" Nathanyel let out a frustrated sigh.

"No! It's just that now things will be all awkward and weird. Whenever we're together he'll be thinking about that kiss and I'll be thinking about how he's thinking about that kiss and then he'll be thinking about how I'm thinking about how he's thinking-"

"Will you stop that already?"

"Sorry. Still, I'm worried. I don't want things to get awkward between us."

"Then don't let them."

"This is Remus we're talking about. There's no way to stop it."

"I suppose."

"Will you comfort me in your strong, manly embrace?" I leaned over and gave him a pat on the back. "You know that's not what I meant." He pushed himself up on his knees and lunged at me, nearly suffocating me. "Hug me back, or I'll choke you." There are times when Nathanyel is just being ridiculous, and there are times when Nathanyel will actually go through with his threats. This incident fit into the latter category.

"Loosen your grip," I gasped, reluctantly returning the hug. He did as I asked.

"Okay, pet me now."

"You're insane," I complained as I did so. Nathanyel just purred.

---------------

I sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table with Dad. As usual, I was the first one to be dressed and showered. Since when did everyone get so slow?

"Nadia," Dad intoned from behind his newspaper, straightening it slightly.

"Yes?" I replied, hoping it didn't have anything to do with my relationship with Severus; that, of course, would be a first.

"When are you going to get a job?"

"Huh?" Well, I was surprised, to say the least.

"You're a deadbeat," he went on.

"I'm looking," I grumbled, exasperated.

"I'll bet Severus pays you for sex."

"I- What?" I grabbed the newspaper and yanked it away, only to reveal Dad sticking his tongue out at me.

"I always thought you could take a bit of ribbing."

"Oh, shut it." I frowned, crossing my arms. "Why do you always have to be so difficult?"

"You're the one who's difficult." He took a sip from his cup of coffee; I wondered how many he'd had already, and how much lost sleep it was countering.

"Whatever you say," I replied airily, deciding to do a bit of job hunting in my pilfered newspaper. "Anyway, Luna and Ginny want to go cruising for hot boys today," I began conversationally. Dad always likes to know about my days, which is rather strange. "Colin doesn't want to cruise with us, though, which I can't seem to understand. He's still a virgin, after all." At that declaration, Dad's eyes widened a bit, and he stared at me.

"He is?"

"What, you think I sleep with everyone I date?" I replied defensively.

"No, no. I just... Didn't think a boy his age would be... Never mind. I've got a lot of work to do, anyway." Dad grinned at me and walked away. It was rather strange, actually.

I just shrugged it off. There are more important things in the world than what goes on in my father's head.

Like... Gay pirate sex, for instance.

---------------

"Guess what!" Once again, my reading had been interrupted by that utter buffoon. "Guess what, Sevviepoo!"

"Don't call me that. And what?" Nathanyel was suddenly right in front of me, a very large and wicked grin on his face.

"It seems that young Mr. Creevey is a virgin."

"Amazing," I replied flatly.

"You don't understand! It's my first virgin!" I cleared my throat. "Oh, well it doesn't count if I was a virgin too, you know. The whole point is to use my immense experience to completely and totally dominate him." He looked rather predatory at the moment. "I'm so excited! This is like a dream come true!"

"Whatever," I grumbled.

"Er... Mr. Page?" It was at that moment that an unsuspecting Creevey walked into the room. "Have you seen- eek!" As I looked on from over the edge of my book, Nathanyel had swooped down upon Creevey like a vulture, and with a loud thump, placed his hand firmly on the wall just next to the boy's head. He was trapped, and Nathanyel was looking insanely gleeful. In fact, I thought I could even see the hairs on the back of his neck rising. It was like watching an animal catching its prey.

"Hello, Mr. Creevey." He sounded absolutely snake-like; I was oddly proud of him.

"Er- I- Hello." Creevey seemed to shrink under Nathanyel's intense gaze.

"Word about the house is that you just happen to be a virgin." The word practically slithered out of his mouth, and he looked like he was about to eat the poor boy alive. I couldn't believe that I was actually feeling sorry for Creevey, of all people.

"I- er- that is-"

"I'll bet you're just dying for a nice, hard fuck." At that statement, Creevey's mouth fell open and he seemed to be beyond even stuttering. Nathanyel leaned in closer, practically on top of him. "You'd let me turn you around and pound you into the wall right here, wouldn't you, you dirty little-"

"Has anyone seen Colin?" The beast stomped loudly into the study, crossing her arms. Within the blink of an eye, Nathanyel was browsing the nearest bookshelf with an air of complete and total innocence. Meanwhile, Creevey remained clinging to the wall, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. "Oh, there you are! Let's go, we're cruising for booty! Bye now!" She grabbed Creevey, waved to me, then bounded away with the boy.

"You do realize that I was sitting right here the entire time!" I snapped at Nathanyel, shutting my book with a loud clap.

"Yes," he replied airily, sauntering over to the sofa and dropping down onto it. "I'm so hard right now."

"And why do I need to know that?" I growled, wanting to strangle him.

"It's a warning."

"Augh!" I covered my eyes as he shoved his hand straight down his trousers.

"I'm not wearing any knickers."

"Argh!"

"Hope you don't mind," he grunted.

"STOP WANKING ON MY SOFA!" I threw my book at him as hard as I could.

"Ouch! Now that was uncalled for!"

"What do you mean? You're touching yourself in the middle of my study!"

"So? Nobody's here."

"I am!"

"So? You've watched me before."

"That's it." I stood up, crossed over to the sofa, and pulled him onto the floor by his collar.

"Ack!" His head hit against the hardwood floor with a loud thud and he grimaced, sitting up. "You asked for it!" He lunged at me and knocked me straight onto my arse, and-

Wiped his hand on my face.

"ARRRRRGH! You are disgusting!"

"Professor!" To my great misfortune, Weasley chose that moment to come running into the study. "Nadia says that-" She paused in the middle of her sentence, staring at us. It must have been quite a sight, with the both of us on the floor, and Nathanyel in my lap with his genitals exposed. "...Stay right there." She spun around and flew out of the room, shrieking, "Cooollliinnn! I need your camera, now!"

Nathanyel dissolved into laughter, rolling off of me and onto his back, gripping his stomach, with his knees in the air. "I'm glad you think this is so amusing," I snarled, kicking him.

"S-s-so f-funny!" He choked out, tears streaming down his face. He was bright red, shaking with the force of his little giggles.

"You are such an arse! And you got my robes wet!" I was both outraged and disgusted. Nathanyel wasn't even making noise, anymore. He was just laying there, red as a lobster, still shaking with his mouth wide open, but nothing was coming out. "I hope you laugh yourself to death!" A flash suddenly filled my vision, and I realized that Weasley had returned to take a picture, presumably of Nathanyel's crotch.

"Okay, thanks, bye!" She ran off again before I could strangle her.

"My life is no longer worth living." Nathanyel nodded in agreement, then took a long, rasping gasp. He spent several minutes simply panting on the floor, trying desperately to regain his breath. Finally, after I'd cast a cleaning spell on my robes and returned to my reading chair, his breathing returned to normal.

"That was priceless," he informed me, pulling his trousers up and closing them.

"I hardly found the image of you laying exposed on my floor amusing."

"I wasn't really going to wank off, you know."

"So then what were you doing, playing chess?"

"Oh, lighten up." He crawled up to me and placed his chin in my lap. "What are you reading?"

"Don't just act like nothing happened. If you pull a stunt like that again, I swear I'll kick you right to the curb."

"Aw, don't be such a stiff. I pull stunts all the time, and you should know it better than anyone."

"I don't appreciate you turning my house into your own personal playground."

"You don't appreciate anything in life. You're just a miserable old miser."

"Hn." I scowled down at him. "Grow up."

"I am up." He wriggled his eyebrows at me.

"Don't be a pervert!" I hit him with my book, hoping he'd retreat. Unfortunately, he did not.

"You're just as much a pervert as I am, so don't be a hypocrite."

"But this is my house, so I am allowed to be a pervert." Nathanyel rolled his eyes.

"You've been a pervert in this house just as much as I have, too, so don't go and pull that shit on me."

"That doesn't mean you can run around doing whatever you want!"

"Says who?" He stuck his tongue out at me, wrinkling his nose. "You're the one who made the bet with me."

"How many times do I have to tell you? It was your idea!"

"But you agreed to it."

"That doesn't give you license to wank on my sofa!"

"Yes it does. It was in the fine print of our verbal contract."

"Verbal contracts don't have fine print!"

"That's what you think." His grin was so infuriating that I just had to kick him.

"Get off me! If you're so desperate, then go find Lupin!"

"R-R-Remus?" He was giving me huge, watery puppy eyes; they made me want to smack him. "Remus hates meeeeee! Waaaaahhh!"

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to kick you out and burn your fwooper."

"She hates me, too! She ran away from home!" He let out a loud sniff. "You're a meanie head and you don't appreciate me!"

"Shut. Your. Mouth."

"If I do, will you listen to me?"

"You're an idiot." I tried to fathom how he could switch from a child molester to a little crybaby so quickly, but decided against it. "Fine. But only if you calm down." Nodding, he jumped up and ran over to the sofa and dropped down onto it.

"I am the picture of calm."

"I'm not talking to you until you're in a different mood."

"Alright, alright!" He frowned, furrowing his brow in a very exaggerated impression of sincerity. "I'm serious. I can talk seriously. You start."

"How?" I was ready to kill him.

"Ask me if everything is alright."

"Fine. Is-"

"Not like that! You have to say my name first, like a question. Then you have to sound very hesitant and sensitive about it."

"Nathanyel?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, praying that his behavior would not bring on a migraine, as usual. "Is everything..." It pained me to ask him. "...Alright?"

"No. Everything is shitty."

"Well, that's nice to know."

"I think Remus is avoiding me."

"Oh?"

"And Draco isn't talking to me."

"I see."

"And Harry exploded."

"How lovely."

"You're not listening to me."

"Can't say I am." He shot me a petulant look.

"You promised you would listen! I always listen to you."

"Doubtful." I managed a smirk at the expression on his face.

"It isn't funny."

"You are such a hilariously spoiled brat."

"I am not." He kicked off his shoes before laying down on his stomach, draped across the sofa like some sort of... Drapery. Augh, did he have to molest the damn thing all day?

"You most certainly are."

"In what way?"

"Well, this conversation is an example. You are forcing me to give you advice, after you just defiled my furniture." He rolled his eyes at me. "Furthermore, you have as much sex as you like, with whomever you please. It's really rather sickening." I marked my place in my book. "And whorish."

"I'm not a whore."

"Oh, that's right- whores get paid."

"Meanwhile, sluts do it merely for its own rewards."

"Exactly. Like you." He nodded decisively.

"Like me."

"You know, maybe people are avoiding you for a reason." He knitted his eyebrows together, obviously thinking.

"What kind of reason?"

"Your feet smell."

"Your face smells."

"Please, at least try not to be idiotic."

"Fine. But why would Remus be avoiding me?"

"Perhaps you have cat hair on you."

"You aren't witty."

"I know. However, what I do not know, is the answer to every problem you have." He pouted at me, curling up and stretching out again.

"Hmph. Draco isn't talking to me because I made a comment about his mother."

"What a little girl."

"I know! But he refuses to so much as put out until I apologize, and I don't really think I should. Do you?"

"No. Of course, that might only be because I don't want to have to live with the knowledge that you are fucking your cousin's son."

"Deal with it." We sat for a while, not speaking to each other. Nathanyel was humming something that I didn't care to identify, and I attempted to read my book. "...Do you really think Remus wants to fuck me?" So much for that idea.

"Why? Do you want him to fuck you?"

"No." I was once again forced to lay down my book and cater to his whims. "Maybe." Oh, Merlin. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" He shook his head. "You really are a slut."

"You're only saying that because you don't like Remus."

"Or maybe because it's true."

"Hmph."

"How can you not know if you want him to fuck you?"

"Well- I like him." I suppressed the urge to vomit. "Except... I don't really want to be fucked by anyone. I mean, you- I- well, you know. I've always been the sentimental type." Damn his ability to quell my sarcasm. "Anyway, I'm not ready. And- if it was Remus- I don't think I'd like to have sex. Not right away. I don't think I would unless I- er- fancied him." He looked away and blushed, while I took the opportunity to empty the contents of my last meal onto the floor.

"Do you fancy him?" That should shut the little bugger up.

"No." He made a face, rolled onto his back, then made another face.

"Stop making faces. It's a bad habit."

"My face will stick that way, right?"

"No. But I don't want to have to watch it." He made another face, then fell silent. I waited for him to make another stupid comment, and I was not disappointed.

"I could."

"You could what?"

"I could fancy Remus."

"How?"

"I don't know how!" I was suddenly hit with the urge to throw something heavy at him. However, the only suitable object at hand was my book, and I was not willing to sacrifice it. "What's it like to fancy someone, anyway?" Whatever controls the fate of mankind must hate me.

"How am I supposed to explain that? And you're a grown man! You should know!"

"But I don't, obviously."

"Idiot." He stuck his tongue out at me. "I do not believe you."

"Sorry about that. Anyway, I asked you a question. So answer it!"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You should know about this already!"

"I don't! I've never fancied anyone!"

"What about-"

"That was different."

I took a moment to collect myself, and try to restrain myself from strangling him. "Well, decide for yourself."

He frowned a bit, wiggling his toes. "I think about him a lot." It was like conversing with a thirteen-year-old. I was half-expecting him to say, "And he's really, really cool!"

"Right."

"I think he's good-looking."

"Fine."

"And he's very nice."

"Alright, so leave me alone. You've stated your case, now go do as you wish. Oh, and don't tell me about it."

"So you're saying that, regardless of my inhibitions, I should shag Remus?"

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Don't take-"

"Do not even start with me! Do you always automatically equate a relationship with sex?"

"Er... Yes?"

"You are so fucked up that there needs to be a new word to describe it."

"Um... Fuckeelee?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

"Do you really think that sex is necessary for a relationship?"

"Maybe?"

I resisted the urge to simply kick him out of my house. It seemed to be a rather common sentiment that day. "Nathanyel... I'm going to give you some advice now that I suggest you take. Get help."

"You're helping me."

"Real help."

"Oh."

"And go to bed. You look exhausted."

"But it's the middle of the day."

"I don't care. Nap."

"Alright."

"And please, for all our sakes, attempt to have one normal relationship before you die."

"Can do."

"Now go."

"Okay." He got up, brushed himself off, and left.

I finally was able to return to my book.

* * *

---------------

"Nadia?"

I broke my gaze away from Ginny's advances on a man who was actually taking a stroll with his five-year-old son to look at Colin. "What is it?"

"About your dad..."

I sighed, rolling my eyes. Dad has never gotten along well with boys that I spend any sort of time with, unless they were obviously gay (like Draco, for instance) and Colin was no exception. "What has he done, now?"

Colin blushed a little, but tried to hide it. "N-nothing," he stammered, looking rather suspicious. "It's just... He doesn't like me very much, does he?"

"Nope," I replied, returning my attention to Ginny. It seemed as though the young father had fled, already. What a shame.

"But... I mean... Um, well. He's sort of..."

"Frightening?" I supplied as Luna approached a young lad who was obviously underage. I swear, she is such a cradle robber.

"Well, yeah," he agreed. "Erm... Why did your parents split up, anyway?"

"Apparently, their marriage was a loveless charade put on solely for the purpose of keeping me untraumatized," I grumbled, a bit put out that he'd even brought the subject up. "A great lot that did."

"Aha. So your dad didn't love your mum..."

"Your point?" I growled.

"Um- erm- nothing." Colin was definitely acting suspicious.

"Hey, Nadia, Colin!" Ginny called to us. "Luna's robbing the cradle!"

I'll never completely understand my friends.

* * *

---------------

I was just settling down for a nice, quiet, Page-free lunch when Nathanyel came bounding into the kitchen, grinning widely. Wonderful.

"Where were you?" I inquired, watching Nathanyel unpack a bag of groceries.

"Just picking up a few things from the store," he replied. I approached the table and picked up a box, reading the label. I was then immediately struck by the urge to hit him with it.

"'Astroglide?'"

"Yep," he answered. "I'm preparing for tonight."

"You sicken me."

"You know you have the mad love for the Astroglide."

"I most certainly do not."

"You put it on your toast."

"Would you shut it, already?" I decided that it was time I actually did hit him. "You're going to get yourself into a big, steaming, pile of shit, and I'm not going to help you out of it."

"Well, you're the one who wanted to bet," he admonished.

"You brought it up!"

"Tsk, tsk! You morally bankrupt pedophile." With that, he grabbed the Astroglide lubricant, a pair of handcuffs, and a box of condoms, and bounded up the stairs. He whistled cheerfully the whole way up.

I really hate living with him.

* * *

---------------

When we got home (which was late, since Luna had spent so much time with her little boy toy) Dad and Severus were sitting in the kitchen, playing a card game. I found this extremely strange because, firstly, Severus doesn't much care for cards. Secondly, they were actually... Getting along.

"How was your day, dearest?" Dad asked, grinning.

"It was alright," I replied, peeking in on Severus' hand. "How do you expect to win anything with two jacks and a three?"

Severus gritted his teeth, but said nothing.

"You know, Luna, if you're not careful you'll be arrested," Ginny commented blithely, making herself at home with the ice box. "That's pederasty, I think."

"It's rather fun, isn't it?" Dad cut in, grinning over at Luna and Colin.

"Er- Right," Colin muttered, blushing and backing out of the room. "I'll just... Toilet." He sped off like a frightened rabbit.

"Dad, don't be so mean to Colin," I scolded, taking another peek at Severus' cards. "Wow, that ace will sure come in handy!"

Severus growled, just a bit.

"I think younger men are easier," Luna sighed, joining Ginny at the ice box.

"Tell me about it," Dad replied, slapping his cards down. "Rummy! Full straight, how about that?"

"I wouldn't have lost so easily if someone had kept her mouth shut," Severus grumbled, tossing his cards on the table top.

"Sore loser, cheater, and pumpkin eater, I see," Dad taunted jovially. "He cheats all the time," he added to me in an undertone.

"I most certainly do not!" Severus protested angrily.

"Especially at gobstones."

"Never in my life!"

"Fred and George cheat at cards all the time," Ginny joined in, pulling up a chair next to Dad. "But what they don't know is that I'm much better at cheating than they are." She grinned and winked at Dad; he winked back.

ARGH, STOP FLIRTING WITH MY FATHER.

"Well, that's nice," I grated, inserting myself between the two. "Say, Dad, don't you have some sort of pressing research to attend to?"

"Hmm..." He looked pensive for a moment. "Nope."

"Not even research on double footed sealicanths?" Luna inquired, picking up the stack of cards from the table and shuffling it.

"Nope," Dad repeated, grinning.

"Not even on how, with your level of intelligence, you even manage to turn a doorknob?" Severus asked.

"Nothing at all," Dad replied, still smiling.

"Not even on how sexy you are?" That was Ginny of course.

"No, but thank you very much!" Dad was oblivious, of course. "You know, you girls are so close. It's touching, really."

Ginny opened her mouth, undoubtedly to make a remark on the subject of touching, but I cut her off.

"Yes, we certainly are," I said a bit stiffly. "Just like sisters!"

"Why, I wouldn't be surprised if you, say... Had an all-girls slumber party tonight in one of the deserted wings and didn't even dare come near us nasty old men!" Alright, now Dad was up to something.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," Ginny proclaimed happily. "What do you say, eh?"

"Sounds like a barrel of monkeys," Luna replied.

"I suppose it would be fun," I stated, trying to discern any sign of ulterior motives in Dad's expression.

"And don't you worry about poor, lonely, Colin," he reassured us. "I'm sure I'll find a way to keep our guest entertained!" Aha, so that was it. Dad wanted to get Colin alone to intimidate him some more.

...

...

...Oh well. Not my problem.

"You are disgusting," Severus grumbled, standing up from the table and sweeping out of the room. I don't know whether he was referring to Dad's plan to mentally pulverize Colin or to Luna's odd combination of ketchup and chocolate ice cream.

"Well, that's enough chatting," I announced, standing up as well. "It's time to prepare for the slumber party!"

"Whoopee!" Dad exclaimed.

I glared at him.

"Oh, right." With that, he left the room.

For a moment, I felt sort of bad for Colin. But then I realized... Eh, he'll survive.

* * *

---------------

I was actually glad that in Nathanyel's pursuit of the Creevey boy he had managed to drive those tittering nitwits to the other side of the manor. It was the first night since those awful, disgusting little dolts had entered my home that I was able to have some peace and quiet. I was just returning from a late night visit to the kitchen when I was reminded of the downside to the situation.

I grimaced at the scene I had unwittingly walked in on; Nathanyel was apparently attempting to bed Creevey. He already had the boy backed up against the wall; if nothing else, Nathanyel was insistent. "S-sir?" Creevey stuttered, causing me to feel sick. "I thought you didn't like me..."

"My dear boy, I only behaved in such a way because I want you for myself..." Oh, dear Merlin, could he lay it on any thicker?

"Give me a break!" I growled. "Just get it over with!" Creevey jumped a bit, going pale, while Nathanyel merely grinned at me.

"Severus, have you no respect for the art of seduction?"

"Have you no respect for boundaries?" I retorted.

"No." With a sigh he gave Creevey a pat on the shoulder. "Let's continue this conversation in my room."

"But-"

"Hush, my dear," he interrupted the boy dramatically. "I promise you only the gentlest of touches."

"Get a damn room," I muttered, trying to forget everything I'd seen and heard as I passed them by.

"I intend to!" Nathanyel called after me. I covered my ears.

"La la la I can't hear you!"

"Good, then we can fuck as loudly as we want to!"

"Whoever said we were going to fuck?" Creevey shrilled as I endeavored to place myself well out of hearing range.

"Trust me," Nathanyel was saying, "you'll enjoy it."

I tried not to vomit as I locked myself in my room. Oh, the horrible mental images... Thank Merlin for silencing charms, is all I can say.

Of course, after a night of rather disturbed sleep, one would think that Nathanyel would leave the subject well enough alone. One would think wrong.

When I got up he was sitting in the kitchen with his usual morning coffee and a copy of The Daily Prophet, grinning his empty little head off.

"Ah, what a refreshing night!" he proclaimed, causing me to feel nauseous.

"Don't tell me you-"

"I most certainly did!"

"You're disgusting." I grabbed the newspaper from him and buried my face in it, hoping to somehow drown out his words with the ones printed on the pages.

"Aww, come on." Nathanyel pouted, hanging over me like some sort of sex-crazed buffoon- oh, wait, he is a sex-crazed buffoon. "It was so much fun. I should deflower young virgins more often."

"I do not want to hear this," I growled, burying my nose even deeper in the newspaper.

"Too bad," he hummed. "He was so sweet and submissive." Nathanyel let out a long sigh. "And frightened; he had no idea what he was doing. And he called me 'Sir.' Can you imagine?" He giggled a bit. "Sir! Ah, it was so sexy."

"Do not touch me."

"Don't flatter yourself, whoreface."

"Hey!" I glared at him. "I don't think you're the one who should be talking."

"Just remember," Nathanyel reminded me as he walked out of the room, "this was all your doing."

"You would have slept with him anyway!" I called after him angrily. Does he even remember what happened? He was the one who turned this whole thing into a contest! He just wants a reward for doing something he would have done, either way, the arse!

I shouldn't let him get to me.

"Food." The beast had apparently woken up and was shuffling toward me.

"Don't touch me," I ordered, wrinkling my nose at her haggard appearance.

"Breakfast," she replied, giving me a pointed stare.

"No," I ground out, blocking my view of her with the newspaper.

"I'm hungry," she grumbled, her disgustingly raspy voice followed by the scrape of a chair and a dull thud. "Cook for me."

"I already told you, no."

"I'm in the mood for french toast."

"Then make it yourself."

"With powdered sugar."

"What does this look like to you? A bakery?"

"And cinnamon."

"Will you shut up, already?" I growled, slamming the paper down on the table.

"I want french toast right now," she replied, crossing her arms.

"I am not your personal chef."

"If you make me french toast, I'll lick your bum."

I stared at her.

"Really."

"You are the most horrific creature on the face of the planet. God must have been on vacation when you were conceived."

"Thank you."

"I'm still not making you breakfast."

"Fine."

"I think I'll go check on my bulbs, then." I frowned when she began to laugh at me. "What?"

"You're such a woman," she replied. "Your bulbs?"

"Shut up," I grumbled, heading for the front door. "I enjoy gardening."

"I'll come out with you, then." She followed me, to my great dismay.

"Just don't touch me," I ordered as I swung the front door open and crossed the porch.

"Why did you plant them so late, anyway?"

"I work," I grumbled, inspecting the tulips. "It looks like they're blooming."

"Huh, imagine that," she replied. "Oh my God! Look!" She slapped my arse rather forcefully.

"I told you not to touch me," I growled.

"It's Handlebars!"

I looked up to see that creepy man and his ridiculous penny farthing.

"Good morrow, gentle neighbors!" he called out, waving.

"Yo, Handlebars!" the beast bellowed at him. "How's life?"

"Well, Madame, I most certainly cannot voice complaint. I am following the path to the market, on this very fine day. Now, if you'll kindly give me pardon, I must go thither."

I watched him ride away, shivering slightly. Even after the Dark Lord's defeat, there is still a great deal of evil in the world.

"Let's go inside. It's too humid out today!" The monster grabbed me by the sleeve and hauled me inside, frothing at the mouth.

...Alright, so maybe I exaggerated the frothing part a bit. Just a bit.

"What were you doing outside?" Nathanyel was back to taunt me.

"What are you doing back here?"

"Didn't I tell you? I've got the day off. I just had to... Check on a few things." He was practically leering, which meant that he was probably talking about Creevey. "So, what were you doing outside?" he repeated.

"I was checking on my garden," I grumbled.

"I said hello to H.B.," the harpy added.

"Really?" Nathanyel returned his face to a suitably neutral expression. "How is he?"

"He's certainly not voicing complaint."

"Well, now, that's nice to hear."

"You two are going to drive me insane," I grumbled.

"You love us," Nathanyel stated, rather matter-of-factly. "Anyway, have a seat and I'll make up some coffee. I feel so refreshed that I could even bake a cake!"

"And make french toast?" his horrible daughter suggested.

"Hm... No."

"Dammit."

"Watch your language, you hussy!"

I tried to keep my head from throbbing too much.

* * *

---------------

I was actually up rather early, especially for a slumber party morning. Dad had made coffee, and we were currently drinking it at the kitchen table while Severus groused about how awful it was to live with us and searched the cabinets for powdered sugar; he was going to make french toast. It was a normal morning, really. However, since I knew that Dad was currently cooking up a scheme (judging by his behavior as of late) I decided to address the matter.

"Listen, Dad... I know you might be tempted to act like a loon around my friends, but... Please, just don't embarrass me." That seemed like a suitable plea.

"Embarrass you?" A wicked grin spread across his face, and I saw Severus smirk behind him. "Oh, no, never." I could practically hear the evil laughter.

"I'm warning you-"

"Ah, good morning everyone!" Ginny walked into the kitchen, yawning, followed by Luna. "It's a glorious day, isn't it?"

"It most certainly is!" Dad chirped in response. "So glorious, in fact, that it makes me want to... DANCE!" He jumped out of his seat, did a pirouette, then lifted his arms above his head and leapt halfway across the room. "Hup!" Then he started doing some crazy wiggly thing with his arms and just generally danced about. "Come, my daughter! Dance with me!" He extended his hand towards me.

"No!" I slapped it away.

"Oh, the shame!" He threw his arm up to cover his eyes, pretending to be offended. "I must dance away my shame!" And then he resumed his dancing, while we just... Stared in horror.

"Er... What's going on?" Colin had just entered the scene.

"We two must dance!" Dad grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him along in his dizzying display. "A dance of love!" He spun Colin. "Of unbridled passion!" He pulled Colin close and started to tango with him. "We are as one on the dance floor!"

"Embarrassing, isn't it?" Severus muttered, still smirking; he'd somehow been able to shield himself from the display- with me.

"Shut up!" I growled.

"I'm getting dizzy!" Colin complained.

"Come, my queen! Express yourself through dance!" Dad picked him up over his head and started spinning him around, while Ginny and Luna clapped; I groaned and tried to block out the scene I was witnessing. "Feel the passion in your feet!"

"Um, okay..." Dad flung him out and he slid across the room, looking rather green.

"Come to me, and I will catch you!"

"Er... Alright."

"Show me your burning desire!"

"Alright!" So I also had to watch Colin run at full speed, jump into the air, and be caught by my dad. And then fireworks began to go off and they both started crying like a couple of girls.

"Love wins in the end!"

"We'll be together forever!"

"...Where are the fireworks coming from?" Ginny whispered. Severus just smirked.

"Carry me over the threshold!"

"Our honeymoon shall inspire birds to sing!" Then Dad ran out of the room, Colin still in his arms.

"That was so romantic!" Ginny sighed.

"Shut up!" I growled. Severus sniggered. "And you, too! Why don't you put that pyrotechnic skill to work and cook some breakfast?"

"Merlin, you don't have to be such a bitch about it," he muttered, slinking over to the stove.

"Let's all sit and have a nice, peaceful breakfast," I insisted, as noises that sounded distinctly sexual started to drift in from the next room.

"They sound like they're having fun," Luna commented conversationally.

"I can't believe they're going this far! I'm embarrassed enough, already!"

"Are you sure they're just pretending?" Ginny asked, eyeing the door. "Because I could go check..."

"Yes! Make those birds sing!" Colin shouted from the next room.

"You know, I think I should-"

"Sit down." I pushed her down into a chair. "There's nothing to see."

"I think I'm going to vomit," Severus muttered. Meanwhile, something that sounded like... Birds singing... Became audible.

"I'm going to kill the both of them," I grumbled. Really, how long were they going to just make those embarrassing noises?

"Relax," Ginny urged me. "It's all in good fun."

"It isn't fun for me."

"Well... It is for us. Right, Luna?"

"Yes," Luna agreed as Severus served the french toast. "Tons of fun."

"Right," I sighed, turning to Severus. "How long is he going to torture me?"

"You deserve it," he replied, sitting down and picking up the newspaper.

"Why are you always reading that thing?"

"To escape the distorted reality of my life."

"We're dooone!" Dad announced, bursting into the kitchen. "I want food!"

Colin came shuffling in after him, gingerly sitting down next to Ginny.

"Had a rough time?" she asked, nudging him and winking.

I glared at her.

"I was just kidding."

"Alright. Whatever."

"Although it was-"

"Ginny, shut up before I punch you in the ovary."

"What do you lot say to a day out on the town?" Dad loudly suggested, apparently trying to change the subject.

"I'm going to vomit," Severus muttered.

"After all, you've probably never been to the lesser known areas of the town; in fact, as students, I'll bet you weren't even allowed to go to them! Why, I know this fantastic place that runs all night-"

"Dad," I interrupted, "you aren't talking about anything... Illegal... Are you?"

"Of course not! Unless any of you haven't turned eighteen yet."

"It's not a problem," Luna informed him.

"Great! I always say, you haven't earned passage into adulthood until you've gotten completely and totally pissed!"

I gave up on him right away; perhaps letting him indulge in his little delusions about still being "hip" and such would help him realize how ridiculous he was being.

So, an hour later found us waiting on Dad at the bottom of the main staircase, while Severus sat in the adjoining parlor, still carefully studying the newspaper. Really, was he ever going to put that thing down?

"Alright, I'm ready!" Dad bounded down the stairs, wearing a long-sleeved shirt with sparkles on it, jeans, and... His new skirt. I suppressed a groan at the sight of him.

"Awwww!" Ginny exclaimed, making goo-goo eyes. "Mr. Page, you look so cute!" Dad grinned at her.

"He's wearing a skirt," I growled.

"But I'm wearing it over jeans," he pointed out. "And I am rather cute."

"You know you'd think it was cute on anyone else," Ginny informed me, rising to his defense.

"But he isn't anyone else; he's my Dad." I glared at her.

"Admit it," Luna prompted, taking Ginny's side.

"No! Come on, Colin, back me up!"

"No comment," Colin muttered, averting his gaze.

"Hah!" Dad exclaimed. "I am once again triumphant!"

"Whatever," I grumbled, crossing my arms. "Anyway, you lot can go on without me. I'm sure Dad can find loads of interesting things for you to do."

"Why?" Ginny asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I just thought I could use some quality time with Sevviepoo." We hadn't had sex in, like, forever. And I wanted to talk with him, too.

At that, Severus looked up from his newspaper, frowning at me.

"I'd like to talk," I added.

"Suit yourself," Dad replied.

"Go on, have fun." I waved them off, watching as Dad began to tell them about my first period. Goddammit.

"You wanted to talk?" Severus asked, scowling at me.

"No, I actually wanted to paint my face red and worship the sun god." I glared at him.

"Alright, then. Have fun."

"It was sarcasm!"

"I am aware of what sarcasm is," he replied irritably, "and you are very bad at it." Honestly, I doubt the man has ever carried a civil conversation in his life.

"Well, then, let's talk."

"You think I'm going to plan my entire day around your silly whims?" he growled, setting the newspaper down and pinning me with a glare.

"Well... Yeah." I thought it would be fun to rile him up a bit.

"Well, you're wrong." He stood up, brushing off his robes. "I've got chores to carry out, and I'd rather get to the market before it becomes crowded."

"I'll go with you, then," I offered hopefully.

"I think not." He left the house before I even had a chance to protest. That complete jackass! I should kill him!

"Fine!" I shouted after him. "Then I guess you'll have plenty of time to reacquaint yourself with your right hand!" My remark produced no visible result.

Still fuming, I resolved to try to catch up with the group, hoping that Dad hadn't caused too much damage. They'd understand how much of a pissy little bitch Severus can be, after all.

Luckily for me, I was able to catch up with them easily enough. Ginny was hitting on Dad, while he obliviously told the story about how I nearly mowed down a bishop with Uncle Kristo's car.

"Wait for me!" I exclaimed, running up to them. "Severus was being a whiny bitch, so... Here I am."

"Terrific!" Dad exclaimed. "Now we can... Do... The thing..." He trailed off, his eyes fixing on the entrance to a nearby bookstore.

"What are you on about?" I replied, following his gaze; I could see Remus through the window. "Hey, look who it is!" I pointed him out.

"Oh, it's Professor Lupin!" Ginny happily informed us.

"I didn't know he lived around here," Colin said, though he didn't sound hostile; he was giving Dad a strange look, though.

"We should say hello," Luna prompted us. "He's always been interested in hypodroquads."

"I'll just leave you lot to it, then!" Dad shouted; he was already hurrying off in the opposite direction.

"That's funny," I mused aloud. "I wonder why he's trying to avoid Remus? They always seemed to be on good terms."

"Maybe it's sexual tension," Ginny teased.

"Har. Har. Let's just go say hello, alright?" I led them off to the bookstore, frowning a bit at Dad's strange behavior; maybe he'd gotten wind of Remus'... Feelings? In any case, I needed to refill my gay erotica stash, and this was the perfect opportunity.

"You're not going to go look at gay books, are you?" Colin asked, practically reading my mind as we entered the store.

"Remus! What a surprise!" I bellowed, ignoring Colin.

"Eh?" Remus looked up from the book he was currently browsing through, flushing a bit and hiding it when he caught sight of us. "Oh, hello."

"What are you reading? Is it porn? Can I see?" I tried to catch a glimpse of the cover, but he was too quick for me.

"It's nothing of the sort, and you wouldn't be interested, anyway."

"I'm going to go look up quaglars," Luna informed us, apparently finding the current activities too dull for her. "Colin, come."

Well... That was weird. Luna and Colin wandering off to the back of the store together? Perhaps they were... Ahem. That would be a little weird, quite frankly. Besides, I'd always thought Colin was a bit of a cock chaser.

"So, Professor..." Ginny seemed rather interested, at least. "Any new boyfriends?" She was still intrigued by the gay aspect, I suppose.

"Oh, erm... No need to be so formal, Ginny!" It was easy to see that Remus was trying to change the subject. "You can call me Remus."

"Oh, thanks, Remus." She paused, the expression of someone who has just come to a revelation on her face. "You know, I didn't realize until I said it out loud, but Remus sounds kind of like-"

"Er- yes, I'm aware," Remus quickly cut in. "Quite inappropriate, for a bookstore."

"Unless you're reading gay porn like you are," I pointed out.

"It's just a bit of light reading, really."

"A little X-rated light reading, you mean."

"Ooh!" Ginny exclaimed, immediately approaching the bookshelf. "I could use a little bit of X-rated light reading."

"Same here!" I agreed heartily.

"It isn't that kind of book," Remus protested weakly.

"Er..." Ginny pulled out a book, her eyebrows raised at the cover. "These are all for..."

"...Dating advice," I finished lamely.

"...Yes," Remus confessed, blushing.

"Boring!" I announced, turning away and searching for the erotica section.

"Wait for me!" Ginny exclaimed, putting the book back before following.

"You're not going to... Tease?" Remus asked, apparently unsure of whether or not he should even be pursuing the topic.

"From was Severus tells me, you don't really need much dating advice," I replied airily, reaching my destination. "What was it that he called you?"

"I doubt you could remember all of the names," Remus muttered.

"I remember the human mattress one; he got that from The Golden Girls."

"Human mattress?" Ginny joined in, eyeing Remus in a rather predatorial way. "I've never heard that."

"Well... It's not exactly something I would discuss," Remus clarified uncomfortably.

"Have you found a new place to live, yet?" I asked, sensing the need for a change of subject.

"Ah, not yet. I'm actually scheduled to visit a flat in the area later, so I thought I would get a few chores done."

"How many bedrooms?" Perhaps this was my chance to get rid of Dad.

"Two. Why?"

"Would you need a roommate?"

"Do you want to move in with me?" he inquired, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm trying to kick Dad out," I informed him. "I just need a place to kick him into, once he's out."

"I don't think that would be... Appropriate."

"Honestly, don't act like a prude," I snorted upon realizing that he was talking about his little crush on my father, agh. "You'll be fine."

"I'll... Think about it."

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Ginny suddenly cut in, looking rather confused.

"Remus wants to bone my dad," I told her as Remus began to blush.

"Don't we all," she sighed.

"No, we don't, actually," I grumbled.

"Right." Remus looked rather red. "I need to be... Er... Going. It was nice seeing you."

After Remus left, Ginny and I both found some rather interesting books, and it wasn't long before Colin and Luna returned to browse with us. They didn't look too mussed or anything, so perhaps they hadn't been snogging; I was still suspicious. I could see the guilt in Colin's eyes! Luna's eyes... I've made it a point over the years not to try interpreting anything in them.

Still... Something was up, and I could tell. I just needed to find out what.

* * *

---------------

I scanned over my shopping list as I ventured down one of Hogsmeade's many side streets, trying to decide which items took priority. I definitely needed to go grocery shopping, since the creature's monstrous friends were devouring everything in my house. I also needed some chocolate truffles. Men can indulge in sweets, too.

"Severus?" Lupin interrupted my contemplation of the shopping list, completely ruining my day.

"Lupin," I greeted stiffly, heading toward the side of the street so as not to be trampled by the other pedestrians.

"This is rather strange. I just ran into Nadia in the bookstore and-"

"Merlin, Lupin! Do you want me to be found?" I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him along. "We've got to keep moving, or they might catch up."

"Er... Alright." Lupin seemed perplexed, for some reason.

"And what does that beast have to do with anything, Lupin?"

"Nothing." He paused, giving me a strange look. "You call her a beast?"

"Among other things," I replied, nudging him into motion again.

"Often?"

"Why is it any of your business?"

"Well, I'm just curious." He fell silent, and I could tell that he wanted to bring up Nathanyel. I was just waiting for it. "So... Do you have any names for Nathanyel?"

I knew it.

"I mean... Not that I care."

"Of course not," I grumbled. "Mostly I call him an idiot. But you don't care, so..."

"Right." Lupin cleared his throat a bit, avoiding my gaze.

"Alright, then. I might as well bring it up, since you're so desperate to chat," I conceded, stopping so we could converse.

"Bring up what?"

"You know what."

"No, I really..." He stopped talking at the look I gave him. "Alright, go on."

"You've been avoiding Nathanyel an awful lot, lately," I forged ahead, watching Lupin's face carefully. "I thought you'd be practically coming in your pants, now that he's been giving you so much attention."

"He's just going through a mid-life crisis, probably," Lupin replied, sounding completely casual as we got out of the way of a very large witch with a cart full of what looked like moldy cabbages.

"Oh?"

"He's feeling lonely, now that Nadia's moved out and he's on his own. He only wants some validation of his own life. You know him better than anyone else, Severus. He's acting attracted to me for purely selfish reasons. He's always been a selfish person."

"You're right," I conceded.

"Once he feels better about himself, he'll go back to ignoring me."

"You don't seem very upset."

"Do I ever seem upset?" He had a point, there. "I've been avoiding him because I know that if I accept his advances, I'll end up getting too attached. It'll turn out just like the last time."

"Are you sure of that? He's matured. A little bit. Sort of." I couldn't believe I was actually encouraging Lupin. So much for common sense.

"Of course. He always makes decisions for everyone else, completely on his own. He thinks he knows what's best for everyone, even when he really doesn't. So, if anything happens between us, he'll end up breaking it off for one reason or another, thinking that it's the best thing for me, when really, it'll just be because he's afraid or was using me the whole time."

"How very insightful of you."

"Yes, I thought so."

"The thing is, I'm not so sure your prediction is completely accurate." I couldn't believe what I was doing. My mouth had taken on a life of its own, and there was no stopping it. "You said I know him better than anyone else. And it's true that he's a completely selfish person, and always thinks of how things will affect him before anyone else. That's why I think you're wrong. He's chasing after you for a reason, after all, even if he doesn't know it, himself."

"He's only drawn to me because..." Lupin trailed off, frowning. "He said to me, once, that it was because of... You know."

"Then maybe it's mating season." I couldn't resist a werewolf joke. It was just too easy.

"Get back to the topic at hand."

"Alright. The bottom line is, Lupin, that he fancies you."

"I think not."

"I know the man better than he knows himself. The twit fancies you, and he doesn't even know it. So, just give him a second chance before I decapitate him for annoying me with his stupid love life." Damn you, tongue. Damn you!

"I can't believe you're saying all these things to me. Did somebody bribe you?"

"I was making potions this morning. Maybe it's left over from the fumes."

"That could be it."

"Reeeeemus!" That was the idiot, racing toward us. I resisted the urge to duck and cover.

"What the hell do you want?" I grumbled as he stopped in front of us, holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Scram," he replied casually, brushing me off.

"What do you mean, 'scram,' you little-"

"Bye-bye birdie!" He pushed me out of the way, grabbed Lupin by the arm, and began dragging him down the street. "I got these for you..."

I turned around and headed home. My shopping was done, and there was no reason for me to stay. Besides, Nathanyel had his sights set on Lupin, and he wasn't going to give up easily. On the bright side of things, if I got home in time to catch the harpy I still had a chance of getting laid. That prospect certainly brightened my mood a bit.

--- ---

I sat in my study, trying to read; unfortunately, the house was empty upon my return and I was left to fend for myself. However, I refuse to masturbate when I have someone perfectly willing around to do the job for me. So there.

I was just getting comfortable when a series of slamming noises announced the arrival of one of my many houseguests; judging by the awful racket, it was either Nathanyel or his wretched offspring. When the door to the study was opened and slammed back shut and Nathanyel dropped onto the sofa beside me, my suspicions were confirmed.

He was looking at me with the most pathetic expression that I had ever seen on a grown man's face; his eyes were wide and glassy, his nose was rather pink and beginning to run, and his lip was trembling. He looked like a kicked puppy.

"Is there something wrong?" I grumbled, shutting my book and setting it aside. There was no hope for getting anything done with an upset Page in the room.

"Remus hates me," he muttered miserably.

"Don't be stupid," I replied, quite aware that the opposite was true.

"I'm not being stupid," he protested; he did seem rather upset. Instead of his normal loud, wailing ruckus, he was being very quiet. "He never wants to see me again."

"So Lupin told you that he hates you and never wants to see you again?" I inquired, doubting the validity of the statement.

Nathanyel gave an ominous sniff. "Not in so many words."

"Then what's to worry about?"

He sniffed again, then leaned over and buried his face in my shoulder. Wonderful- I was going to have soaked robes. "He doesn't like me," he moaned piteously.

"Get a hold of yourself, you twit," I snapped as I felt the wetness beginning to spread.

"I'm not crying," he croaked, letting out another sniff. "Really. I'm not."

"What happened?" I finally gave in.

"He's angry at me. He told me to go and he didn't want me there and now I'm here, but I don't want to be here, I want to be there."

"Uhuh." I hate trying to decipher his idiotic run-on sentences. "Did you hit on him again?"

"I kissed him and I tried to hold his hand."

"Tried?" I asked.

"He pushed me away. Or pulled himself away. I don't know."

"Ah." I was actually rather surprised at Lupin's willpower. "And that would be when he told you to go."

"No, not yet."

I rolled my eyes. "Then what?"

"I asked him why he didn't want to kiss me."

"And?"

"And he said it wasn't a good idea, and he frowned at me, Severus, he frowned."

I tried not to grimace at the idiocy of it all.

"And then- and then-" He paused to sniff again. "And then I tried to hold his hand, but he pulled it away and told me to stop it, and he sounded angry."

"And then he told you to leave?" I hoped so; that would mean that I wouldn't have to listen to any more of his asinine story.

"Yes."

"Where was this, again?"

"I went with him to look at a flat that was for sale."

"Ah." That slut. "So that's it?"

"He didn't say goodbye, either."

"How awful." I didn't think that I sounded very supportive.

"I'm really upset now," he moaned into my shoulder. "My stomach feels all squirmy and I can't breathe properly and I feel like screaming, but I can't." He took a deep breath, then let out a small sob. "He doesn't want me at all."

"Why does it matter?" I finally growled; I was sick and tired of hearing about Lupin all the time.

"It just does," he mumbled; I think he wiped his nose on me.

"You're already involved with two people," I reminded him, "and you're chasing after your daughter's friends."

"I know."

"So then why are you even going after Lupin in the first place?"

"Because," he replied miserably.

"Because what?" I shot back.

"Because I want to be near him, and every time I see him I want to kiss him and touch him and hold his hand and it feels bad when I can't because I just want to so much."

Meanwhile, I wanted to vomit. "You fancy him," I groaned, more to myself than to him.

"No I don't," he protested.

I decided not to argue. "Fine, fine. Everything will be alright, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, you're a brave little girl, and all that rot. Do you feel well enough not to slobber all over me, yet?"

"Do you really think I'm a brave little girl?"

"I believe that would be a yes." I nudged him, trying to get him to detach himself from me. "Alright, get off me."

"Fine, fine." Nathanyel used me as leverage to push himself away, then wiped his face with his sleeve, trying to compose himself. "I need to calm down, anyway." With another loud sniff, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

"I do not want my house smelling like smoke."

"Then clear it up with a spell." He lit one of them, sighing heavily. "It's not like I do this a lot, anyway." The smoke was already getting in my face.

"It's bad for you, you know," I grumbled.

"It isn't like I'm planning on living an inordinately long time, anyway," he muttered, taking a particularly long drag and wiping his eyes again while I made a mental note to bring that particular comment back into the conversation later. "Which reminds me... I need to see Olivia again. I'm overdue, and I haven't heard much from her lately."

"How has she been?" I asked, thankful for a change of subject.

"Alright, I suppose. You know how she is; even if she wasn't, she wouldn't let me know. At least she finally has everything in order with the estate. She can finally retire, you know."

"But does she want to?"

"I don't know why she wouldn't," Nathanyel muttered, staring down at his cigarette. "It's an awful job."

"Perhaps not to her." I'd always thought her a bit strange; then again, what can you expect from Nathanyel's cousin? "What did she say to you last time you saw her?"

"Hmm." He reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "She said that she wasn't a doctor, nor was she her father, and slammed the door in my face. Friendly, right?"

"Well, it certainly sounds like her."

"She'll feel better soon enough," he reassured me. "Though, it was a bit disturbing that she brought up her dad." He frowned, narrowing his eyes at what seemed to be absolutely nothing.

"Laszlo's been dead an awfully long time. Hasn't she gotten over it, yet?"

"Not just Laszlo," he replied sharply. "Giselle, Shinji, and Louis, too. That's four people at once."

"So that constitutes four successive periods of mourning, then?" Perhaps I was being a bit too snide; Nathanyel always was a bit touchy on the subject of his family.

"You've always been a bit of a berk about the multiple personalities," he murmured, though that was as much of an admonition as I was apparently going to get. "Do you think I should even be worrying about this sort of thing? I mean, Olivia can look after herself and I can look after myself. So what's the big deal?"

"It's your business," I grumbled. "And how long is it that you expect to live?" I asked, taking him by surprise. "You said you didn't plan on living a long time. Is that by wizard standards?" I believe that I sounded a bit too sharp.

"Of course it is," he practically growled, wiping at his eyes and sniffling again. "Uncle Laszlo told me..." He trailed off, his frown growing.

"What is it? One hundred, ninety-five... What?"

"I won't make it to my nineties," he sighed, finishing off his cigarette. "I'll get into the late eighties, if I'm lucky and I take care of myself."

"But you don't," I pointed out.

"Exactly," he replied. "It's a long time, for a muggle."

"But you aren't a muggle."

"Are you worried that you won't be able to live without me?" he teased, although he didn't seem too happy at the moment.

"I'll be devastated," I assured him. "How did the conversation get to this point, exactly?"

"You asked me how long I'm going to live," he muttered, stretching. "And I'm telling you. I'm sure that by the time it's all over I won't want to live any longer, anyway. Besides, you can get a lot done in eighty-something years. It's not such a raw deal, really."

"You'll probably outlive everyone just to irritate us," I grumbled.

"Or maybe out of spite for my father," he replied. "He knew poking and prodding at me would have consequences; he just didn't care, as long as they didn't affect him."

"Well. As long as we're on the subject, how would you like your funeral?"

"I already know what my funeral will be like," he informed me airily.

"Of course," I humored him.

"It will be sunny out, partly cloudy; they'll be the big fluffy kind that turn into shapes. And everyone will be there."

"Who's everyone?"

"Everyone," he repeated, sweeping his arms out to reiterate the sentiment. "And my coffin will be covered with flowers- pink and yellow, because it'll be a day in late spring, when the temperature is just right. And my tombstone will be there, and it won't say anything but my name, because there won't need to be anything else on it." He adopted a far away look, as if he was actually looking forward to it. "And everyone will walk up, intending to be sad, even though none of them are wearing black- the announcements will tell them that there will be no black allowed- and when they finally gather around, they'll find that they just can't do it. None of them can mourn or cry, they just can't. So they'll all stand there, trying to look sad even though they're not, because it's a funeral for crying out loud, and they won't know what to do."

"Will there be a priest?"

"No. Nadia will do the eulogy- I know that's usually said at the wake, but I'm not going to have a wake. It dulls the effect, I think, too much."

"Ah."

"Anyway, she'll walk up to tell my eulogy- and she'll have planned out a lovely, depressing one, too- and when she gets there she'll just completely forget the whole thing. Just like that." He snapped. "And her whole mind will just be a blank. And you know what she'll do?"

"What?"

"My daughter, my Nadia-" he gave me a meaningful look there- "will laugh. She'll just stand there and laugh and laugh, louder and louder. And then other people will start laughing, too, because what else is there to do? None of them are sad, not even remotely, so why not? Even you'll laugh. Everyone will just laugh." He leaned back into the sofa, nodding decisively. "And when it's all over, they'll remember me. They won't be sad or angry; most of them won't even miss me; but they'll remember me." He grinned a bit, snapping back into reality. "And that will be it exactly. You'll see."

"I suppose I will," I sighed.

"Yup. Thanks for cheering me up, Severus."

"So glad I could be of service."

"Do you have any ice cream?"

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I became his friend.

Well, more like all the time.

* * *

----

* * *

Seriously, though... This thing took me for-frigging-ever. On the bright side, I got into college. Celebration!

Next chapter: Luna and Ginny are the next victims on Nathanyel's list. Will he and Remus make up? Will Remus take Nadia's request to heart and ask Nathanyel to move in with him? Will I finish it before 2006? You'll have to wait to find out!

Okay... Go back to your lives now.


	6. Fame, Fortune, and Woohoo

Author's Notes, yay! It's been a very long time since I've updated, I know... This chapter's a pretty decent length- 19 pages on Word. Severus and Nathanyel's bet reaches an exciting conclusion, Nadia discovers a deeply buried secret of her father's past (trust me, you'll see the play on words when you read the scene) and they finally get that visit that I've been promising. Oh, and as for the chapter title... "Woohoo" is what they call sex in the Sims. I think it's funny.

Anyway, allow me to encourage you to READ ON! w00t!

Disclaimer: Do I look like J.K. Rowling to you?

--- --- ---  
Chapter 6: Fame, Fortune, and Woohoo

_Love at first sight only happens to beautiful people._

I was beginning to wonder about the wisdom of the decision to have my friends over while my horny dad was desperately trying to recapture his youth as a terrible slut. The doubt in my mind was mostly fueled by the lewd looks he kept giving Luna during lunch one day, although _she_ didn't seem to mind. I thought she was into younger men, anyway! And the way he kept asking her to pass things was appalling.

"Luna, would you please pass the mustard?" The way he asked her sounded like he was _really_ saying, "Luna, would you please pass me your coochie?" It was disgusting!

"Sure." And her reply was... Well, normal. But still!

"Luna, would you mind handing me a napkin?"

"Stop hitting on her!" I growled, snatching the napkin from Luna's hand and hurling it at him.

"Er... What are you talking about?" He raised his eyebrows in the most innocent manner, but I knew the ugly truth!

"You're driving me insane!" I howled.

"Nadia, calm down," Ginny tried to reason with me.

"I refuse! This is absurd!" I turned an accusing finger toward Dad. "Take out your gross old man urges on somebody else!"

"Like Severus?" Dad asked, a puzzled expression on his face.

Ginny only barely managed to hold me back. "Help me out, Colin!"

Colin, who had been strangely silent throughout the entire meal, took Dad by the collar and dragged him out of the room, and out of harm's way.

"Nadia, he was just kidding!" Ginny attempted to reassure me.

"Blarg!" I insisted, frothing at the mouth.

"She'll be fine," Luna sighed, staring down at her sandwich. "Unless she ate the bologna. There's a bargle-mouthed tree florg in it."

"What in the hell is going on here?" Severus chose that precise moment to walk into the kitchen, looking particularly sexy; he'd been gardening (that utter _girl_), so he was wearing an apron (WOman) and some thick dragonhide gloves. Plus, he had his hair tied back. Yum.

"Dad's trying to steal you!" I shrieked, perhaps going a little overboard. "Come here so I can pee on you!" I wanted to mark my territory.

"...I'll come back later." He turned to leave, heading for the room Colin had dragged Dad into.

"No, it's a trap!"

Ginny slapped me. "Get ahold of yourself, you psycho!"

"Don't slap me!" I replied, slapping her back.

Luna slapped me. "I felt left out."

After a minute or so (and another slap or two) I managed to calm down.

"You really need to stop being so hard on your dad," Ginny scolded, crossing her arms.

"You're just saying that because you want to do him," I grumbled back.

"He's only trying to find himself."

"Or an STD."

"Oh, come on. Are you saying that Luna is a dirty whore riddled with STDs?"

"That hurts," Luna informed me. "Right here." She patted her chest, looking completely unfazed.

"You all suck," I sighed, finally accepting the fact that my father is a dirty, disgusting whore. "I guess I'll just have to... Get over it or something."

"Yes, you most certainly will," Ginny replied. "Now let's go out on the town!"

"What are you talking about? We haven't even finished breakfast."

"Are you still hungry?"

"...No."

"Then let's clean up and get going!"

"Can we at least turn on the radio and clean up eighties montage style?" I was already heading for the wireless. "All muggle music on the muggle station! Woohoo!"

"Really?"

"I like muggle music," Luna stated vaguely.

"Oh my GOD!" I screeched, turning up the radio. "Rick Springfield!"

"What?" Ginny shouted.

I jumped up and began to show off my amazing air guitar skills, singing along. "And she's loving him with that body, I just know it!"

"Are you talking about your dad and Luna?"

"Shut up!" I yelled, dancing along and forgetting about all my troubles. "Where can I find a woman like that?" Air guitar solo! Oh yeah! Jazz hands!

"Shut off that crap!" Severus roared from the next room.

I just turned the volume up. "Let's clean!" It is at times like these that life is truly sweet.

--- ---

"...So why are you hitting on everyone else, right in front of me?" Creevey was seething.

Apparently, I had walked in on something. After fleeing from the enraged beast, I found Creevey and Nathanyel in some sort of deep discussion. Although, I doubt it could be _that_ deep.

"Ah, Severus!" Nathanyel turned to me, completely ignoring Creevey. "How was your gardening?"

"What did you do to your daughter?" I shot back, ignoring his question. "She wants to pee on me, for Merlin's sake!"

"Oh, nothing, just made a bit of a joke about having sex with you, that's all," he replied in a rush. "Anyway, Colin, why don't we take this discussion somewhere more private, hmm? How about my bedroom?" He grabbed Creevey by the wrist and fled from the room with him.

I meanwhile, was quite appalled. If he mentions anything, _anything_ about our past, I'll wring his skinny little neck! And, on top of everything else, just as I was pondering that, the creature put on some God-awful muggle music and blasted it through the house. "Shut off that crap!" I received no response, save the fact that she only turned it up.

I decided that my best choice was to head back outside and weed every inch of my yard, by hand.

- - -

It was some time later when I found myself finally able to relax in my own home. It's pathetic, I know, but it's what I get for allowing Nathanyel and his evil demon spawn into my life.

"What up, home dog?"

Speaking of which...

"Guess what. Just guess."

"I don't care!" I growled, trying to ignore Nathanyel's irritating presence.

"I'm going for Luna today."

"I don't need to hear it," I grumbled.

"You're just angry that I'm going to win the bet. Admit it, go on!"

"You are _not_ going to win," I grumbled.

"Oh yeah? Just you watch. Today Luna, tomorrow the world!"

"That's nice," Lovegood replied.

I held in a snicker as I watched Nathanyel nearly jump out of his skin; Lovegood had actually snuck up on him.

"Hullo, Luna! How are you?" Of course, despite his surprise, Nathanyel was still going to attempt to seduce Lovegood. It was just too... Awful.

"I'm fine." She didn't seem to be in a very talkative mood.

"Well, that's good to hear. Say, I was wondering if maybe you'd want to-"

"Have sex?" _That_ was certainly an unexpected interruption.

"...What? Er- I-"

"That's what you were after, right?"

"Er."

I suppressed a laugh; for once in his life, the idiot was lost for words. But then, he'd always been awkward with women.

"Where do you want to do it?" She was staring at him with those horrid eyes of hers.

"Er... A bed?"

"Alright. Let's go."

I was absolutely floored; the thought of those two- ew. Just... Disgusting. And the fact that Lovegood was the one to initiate the entire thing was also disgusting. I just hope that I don't end up walking in on any of it.

- - -

"Hallo!" Nathanyel plopped into my favorite chair while I was trying to find a book.

"You are utterly disgusting," I snarled, aware of what he had just finished doing.

"You're just angry because you're the only one not getting laid," he replied airily. "And because you're going to lose the bet."

"I am _not_."

"I only have Ginny left, and she's ready to jump on me, anyway. Face it; you're dead meat." He yawned loudly, stretching. "What I could _really_ go for, though, is some well-deserved rest." He settled down in the chair, his eyes slowly closing.

"Erm... Mr. Page? Sir?" Creevey entered the room, thereby completely ruining all of its previous ambiance.

"Eh?" Nathanyel, who had just been drifting off for his nap, snorted a bit and stared at the boy with drooping eyelids.

"I was wondering if we could... Er... Talk..." Creevey shuffled his feet a bit, staring at the floor.

"Don't be such woman," he grumbled, slumping back in the chair, obviously intending to return to his nap.

"W-what?"

"I liked you better when you were a virgin."

"Huh?"

"Give it up," I advised as Nathanyel began to snore softly. "You're yesterday's news." I turned the page in my book, even though I was really watching for his response. The boy looked angry, if anything, and he left the room without another word. "Lover's spat, is it?"

Nathanyel grunted.

"I know you're not really asleep."

"I suppose so," he yawned, stretching. "It got rid of him, though."

"You're a horrible person."

"I know."

"So you're done shagging him?"

"Yuuup." He stretched, yawning. "I'm moving on to greener pastures."

"I hope you don't mean Lupin." I raised my eyebrows at him to further express the sentiment.

"Weeellll... Nah, I don't think I'm going to _shag_ Remus." He blushed, biting his fist. "Just... Other things."

"You disgust me."

"I know." He giggled a bit (that utter schoolgirl) and began playing with a pull in his trousers. "Have you spoken to him, lately?"

"I don't see why I should tell you."

"You _have!_ Did he mention me?"

"Perhaps."

"D'you think he'd like to... You know... With me?"

"Yes."

"Really?" He seemed excited.

"I've only been saying it for two decades straight." I, on the other hand, was quite annoyed. That little tit can't even keep it in his pants for more than five minutes, for Merlin's sake.

"D'you think... He... He fancies me?"

"Why? Do you fancy him?"

"No. I was just... Wondering."

"Well, why don't you stop acting like a thirteen-year-old girl and go ask him yourself?"

"I couldn't." He blushed. "Besides... I've tried coming on to him, and you know how_ that _turned out."

"I'm sure you'll keep at it."

"You think I should?" He paused, nibbling on his knuckles again. "Yeah, I should. Thanks, Sev!" He jumped up, a huge grin on his face, and scampered out of the room.

I don't know why I deal with him. I really don't.

--- ---

I plopped down onto the sofa in the parlor next to Severus after a tiring day of running around the marketplace and scaring people, and also handing in an application to the apothecary where the old woman hits on him. After a few moments of silence, and after carefully considering the fact that I told my companions to make themselves scarce so I could seduce Severus, I decided to go through with my plans. "Hey, Severus." I had the best line _ever_.

"What?"

"Are you an astronaut?"

"...What?" He set down the syllabus he had been writing to stare at me.

"Because your ass is out of this world!"

"If you were a man, I would hit you." Pursing his lips, he turned back to his work.

"Oh, come on!" I insisted. "I want some damn booty, you cold fish!"

"No."

"We haven't had sex in a million years! I'm horny and I don't want to wait for it!" I decided to tackle him and overpower him with my ferocious female sex muscles.

"I have a syllabus to write!" he protested weakly; I could see that he was wielding beneath my fist of fury.

"Write it later."

"...Fine."

When we were snogging (ferociously) I suddenly realized that I was due for my period. Of course, I knew that Severus would be ecstatic, seeing as he's a menstrual loving pervert, so I decided to continue.

And, yeah, he _did_ love it.

- - -

"Ahhh, so refreshing!" I exclaimed as I emerged from the bathroom and headed downstairs, having had super hot menstrual fetish sex and putting a tampon in. As I descended the stairs, I noticed that Dad was standing at the front door, ready to go out. "Hey, Dad! Where are you going?"

He paused, looking rather serious (for once in his life.) "I'm heading for the cemetery."

"Oh." I felt a bit like a jackass after that.

"...Would you like to come with me?"

"Sure." I already had my bag with me... And he was looking a bit down in the dumps. "Um... Who are we visiting?"

"Just one person, today." He grabbed a rather elaborate bouquet from the coffee table and headed for the door.

"How are we getting there?"

"I've arranged a portkey." He indicated a soda can sitting on the small stand next to the front door. "So, whenever you're ready..." He trailed off, frowning.

It was rather weird, for Dad to be acting... Not insane. "I'm ready," I said, poising my hand over it.

Traveling to the cemetery reminded of one vital fact that always seemed to put other wizards off about me: I hate portkeys. It's the sensation that gets me; it just feels wrong.

Anyway, we were somewhere around the middle of the cemetery, and I watched Dad as he looked around a bit, then turn to his left and start walking. "There are a lot of people here who were killed by Death Eaters," he informed me. "Mostly from when I was a kid."

"Oh." There's really nothing I can say to a comment like that, is there? _Is there?_

"Ah, here we are." He stopped at a very non-descript grave, kneeling down and laying the flowers in front of it.

I peered down at it; who the hell was Edward Dietrich, anyway? And it looked like he had died quite early; when I did the math, I realized that he was thirteen. And Dad was seventeen in the year listed on the gravestone. "Was that someone you knew in school?"

"Yeah, you could say that." He sighed, staring at it. "His family was killed by Death Eaters. Except for his older sister, that is. I've only ever spoken to her once."

"Why?"

"She hated me."

"Why did she hate you?" Perhaps I was pressing him a bit too hard.

"There was this rumor going around that I was molesting Edward."

"Um... Okay." Well... I suppose it's not so surprising that a rumor like that was made up about Dad; I mean, he's not exactly the reserved type.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I guess I understand. He was in love with me, after all."

"Wow." I was being a little monosyllabic, but what am I supposed to say to my father when he just comes out and goes, "Here's a dead thirteen-year-old who was in love with me"?

"Sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable."

"Yeah, you are."

We stood together for a while, staring at the gravestone.

"So, do you have any pictures of him?"

"Why?"

"Well..." How to explain my ever-present mission to find out more about my father's past? "I want to know more about your past and all that." It seemed like the straightforward approach would be best. "And this guy is obviously important to you, if you're still visiting his grave. So I'd like to see what he looked like."

"Oh." Dad shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable. "I... Well, I have one on me." He pulled out his wallet, flipping through it. I shuffled sideways to look over his shoulder and watched as he stopped at a picture of me when I was about two and pulled another photo out from behind it. I found it kind of creepy that he kept a photo of some young boy I'd never heard of in his wallet, but alright. "Here." He handed it to me, and I stared down for a long time.

Edward Dietrich was probably the cutest boy I'd ever seen in my life. "He's _so_ cute." He had huge brown puppy dog eyes and the moppiest, softest looking brown hair and he was so tiny and cute and blushing! Eeek! Okay, sorry, happy cute boy moment.

"Yeah, I guess he was pretty cute." Dad frowned.

"What, didn't you like the kid? You've got a picture of him." I handed the photo back.

"Yeah, I guess I liked him alright." He put the picture back into his wallet. "If you want to head back now, you can."

I took the hint and headed off, apparating back to Hogsmeade. I was only a mile or so away from my intended destination, which was, in my opinion, rather awesome. Well, it was as far as my skills go.

Time for a word game!

Apparation.

Apparition.

Aboriginee.

"Hey!" I was greeted by Colin, who was sitting out on the porch with a glass of lemonade and a sun hat.

Um... Okay.

"Where did you go off to?" he went on, taking a sip of lemonade.

"You're in a good mood," I replied, staring at his sun hat. It had a ribbon on it.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Have you been spending any time with Dad?"

He choked on his lemonade. "W-why would you ask that?"

"Because of the hat." I pointed at it and made a face, to further convey my message.

"I have sensitive skin!" He was pouting, for God's sake. "Why do you always have to make fun of me? You know I used vacation time at work to come visit and now all you do is bust my chops-"

"Alright, already!" I interrupted his excessive guilting before I was crushed by guilt. "Wanna listen to some Journey?"

"Okay."

So, yeah... It was an exciting day, I guess. Ginny and Luna listened to Journey with us, too. When we started getting hungry, we ventured inside Severus' haunted Victorian mansion. Dad was sitting in the kitchen, looking rather morose. To be honest, I was hesitant to talk to him, but I figured I should since... You know... We're related and stuff.

"Are you okay, Dad?"

"Yeah," he sighed, leaning his head on his hand. "It's just that... I was thinking... I may need to retire Lorraine."

"What? Why?" I was rather curious; he loved that car more than any man should love an inanimate object, after all.

"Well, she's not really all that economical anymore. I think she needs a sister." Even though that probably wasn't the correct wording for it, he was right.

"Please. Don't tell me you're thinking of getting another car." I don't think I could stand him swooning over another automobile.

"Nah." He looked pensive for a moment. "What do you think of a Vespa?"

"...Don't speak to me."

"But-"

"No. No more." I walked out of the room, no longer wishing to view his mid-life crisis infested visage.

"Colin's cooking tonight!" Ginny called after me.

I decided to just... You know... Write gay porn. Well, I prefer to call it homosexual erotica. One day I'll get one of these babies published and then the world will see what a genius I am! Haha!

Anyway, I settled down at Severus' desk in his study and just let the creative juices flow. He says he doesn't like me using his desk for my "disgusting pervertedness" but I think it's just because he doesn't want me to see the picture he has of me. He even tries to hide it, like he thinks I don't know. It's sort of cute, really. Eventually, Ginny and Luna joined me to help me along a bit- nothing like a second opinion to prevent writers' block. Then Dad had to wander in and spread his gross oldness all over. Yuck.

Well, he was actually a little helpful. He knows a suspicious amount of information about gay sex, in fact. At least, it would have been suspicious if he wasn't flirting with Ginny the ENTIRE TIME. UGH. I think he's going to eventually turn me off of the entire male race. He's just such a slut.

"When's Colin going to finish dinner?" I finally voiced after a while; I was starting to get hungry.

"Give him a break," Ginny replied. "He's been working hard in there."

"Yeah, yeah. I could have finished it half an hour ago!" I love to boast about my culinary prowess.

"Oh, well," Dad sighed. "Not everyone is perfect."

"I am," Luna added.

Ginny snorted. "I'm going to help set the table. Let's go, Luna."

As they left, I had the feeling that there was something that was being kept from me. "So, Dad-"

"You are an idiot!" Severus came barreling into the study like a bitch on wheels (which he usually is, anyway) and hit Dad.

"I'm sorry." Dad looked rather bewildered; I, personally, think that it should become a daily ritual. Maybe Severus found out about his plans to acquire a Vespa?

"Look what I found at the market today." Severus handed the latest issue of "Witch Weekly" to him, scowling.

"Oh, fuck," he replied.

"What is it, Dad?" I was quite curious.

"Somebody's out to ruin me, I know it."

"Why?" I asked.

"_Look!_" He tossed the magazine onto the coffee table, and I caught sight of an article titled "Wizarding Britain's Ten Most Eligible Bachelors." The number one spot read "Nathanyel Page."

"...Huh?"

"My thoughts exactly," Severus concurred.

"I'm done for!" Dad fretted.

"Dinner's ready!" Colin announced.

"Why are you done for?" I asked Dad.

"Women!" he wailed.

"Women?"

"They're scary and they have cooties!" I smacked him with the magazine before leaving the room for some dinner.

I'd actually had no idea that Colin was such a good cook; the chicken was tender and moist, and the mashed potatoes had just the right amount of garlic in them... Yum. The only thing I didn't like about the meal was Dad's annoying brooding. Yes, _brooding_. By desert (a blackberry tart, yummy) I was ready to punch him in the face.

"Aha!" Dad suddenly slammed his fork down on the table, that insane glint in his eyes surfacing. "I've just gotten a genius idea!"

"...What?" I asked warily. He looked around at all of us, then took a deep breath.

"I need a fake bird."

"Huh? You mean like the stuffed vulture on Mrs. Longbottom's hat?" Ginny asked.

"No, no. An imaginary lover! A bird!"

"That's such a degrading term," I groused.

"But where am I going to find someone-"

"I volunteer!" Ginny nearly shouted, jumping up.

"You're an embarrassment," I grumbled.

"Relax, it's just to keep other women away," Dad soothed. I glanced back at Ginny to see an expression on her face that basically read, "Not if I can help it."

"I'll have nothing to do with this."

"Good," Ginny agreed amiably, taking Dad by the arm. "Come on, Baby, let's go out for coffee!" I stuck my tongue out at him as Ginny dragged him, helpless to resist, from the kitchen.

"Eek! Cooties!" The sound of Ginny's powerful backhand echoed through the house.

"Serves him right."

"They'll make a cute couple," Luna proclaimed.

"Luna, you're not helping."

--- ---

It was a testament to how quickly gossip traveled in the magical community that when I went to the Ministry with Nathanyel the morning after he decided to make Weasley his fake "bird," her father was waiting for him. I had a feeling that whatever was about to happen was going to be quite amusing, so I elbowed the numbskull. "Arthur Weasley looks like he wants a word with you."

"Oh! Okay!" Nathanyel practically skipped over to Arthur, who was directing a rather murderous glare at him.

"Hello, Nathanyel," he ground out.

I suppressed a smirk.

"Oh, hullo, Arthur," Nathanyel replied brightly. "How are you?"

"Not. Good."

"That's an awful shame. What seems to be the problem?" He tilted his head a bit, listening intently.

"You... My _daughter_..."

"Ah, I see. Well... Goodbye!"

"Nathanyel! Get back here!"

Nathanyel stopped, looking back; he seemed ready to bolt at any moment. "Yes?"

"What is _wrong_ with you? _My daughter?_"

"Relax, it's nothing."

"Relax? _Relax?_ What if I were dating _your_ daughter?"

"Nadia?" He blinked, frowning. "Nahhh. I mean, you've always struck me as a one-woman man. Besides, she'd never go for you." Arthur just stared at him. "No offense, of course, but she's more of a Slytherin fan. She likes the surly, sarcastic type. Besides, I'm not sure how she feels about redheads."

"...Nathanyel." Arthur looked as if he had a splitting headache. "Please stop."

"Sorry. You're just not her type."

"I'm going to _kill_ you."

"That sounds exciting!"

"Argh!"

Watching Arthur Weasley have a complete meltdown was actually rather amusing, especially since the target of his rage happened to be Nathanyel. "Now _this_ stuff I like to be around for."

"Help me, Severus!"

"My pleasure," I replied to Arthur.

I have to admit, I had a very entertaining afternoon.

After Nathanyel's skirmish with Arthur Weasley, I accompanied him to where he was to drop off some type of file, at which point some insane co-worker of his hit on him because he was wearing that God-awful kilt of his. "Why did you take Arthur's side, anyway?" he whined like a little sissy as the chore was completed. "You're _my_ friend."

"You're also a dumbarse," I replied.

"You aren't allowed to say anything; you're dating _my_ daughter for real!"

"It was your idea!"

He paused to sulk for a moment. "Well, anyway, if I'm going to get the shit beat out of me for screwing someone, I might as well screw her."

"So you're going to try to win the bet?"

"Yup."

"Good luck." There was no way he was going to get Weasley into bed.

"What are you so smug about?"

"Well, not to be insulting, but I've overheard my fair share of conversations and Lovegood's been talking about you." I couldn't wait to deflate his ego.

"And?"

"And, according to her, you aren't anything to behold. If you know what I mean."

He stared at me for a long time. "...I'm sorry. What?"

"You suck at fucking women."

"No I don't!" He was in denial, of course.

"I'm only repeating the opinions of poor, sexually deprived Miss Lovegood."

"She said that to Ginny?"

"I'm afraid so." It was just too easy to break the "bad" news to him.

"Well... She wouldn't believe that, anyway. Would she?"

"Women tend to stick together." I patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Maybe she'll take pity on you."

"Unacceptable!" He swatted my hand away. "Nobody turns down Nathanyel Page!"

I snorted.

"I'm going to seduce her _today_, and you're going to listen in so you can hear for yourself how desperate she is to have my body!"

"Alright." I couldn't wait to hear the words of rejection that I was certain Weasley would issue to him.

Of course, he went right after her the moment we returned home- to _my_ home. "Okay, stand here at the door and just listen to me work my magic," he instructed like the twit he was.

"Sure." I waited where he told me to, and overheard the following horrendous atrocity.

"Hey, Ginny."

"Yeah?"

"Exactly how bad have you heard I am in bed?" He wasn't wasting any time, there.

"Not that bad, from what Luna tells me. Just nothing spectacular." She was just being nice.

"Huh. My wife never complained." Right, just go ahead and bring up your ex-wife. _That's_ an aphrodisiac.

"Was she a virgin before you met her?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, there you go."

"Hm." He sounded like he'd been knocked down a few notches.

"You're still attractive." Oh, please.

"Believe me, I know." And he recovered.

"Just don't try to claim you're a fantastic lover or anything."

"Well, I'm usually much better with men."

"Oh my God with _men?_"

"Er... Never mind."

"That is _so_ hot!" What was she _saying?_

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Well... _I_ always thought so."

"Have sex with me right now." Weasley is a freak. There's no other explanation.

"Um... Okay."

Why is my life so terrible? Why does Nathanyel outright _force_ me to hear these kinds of things? And why did I lose this fucking bet? I don't want to take that beast out on an actual _date!_ It's a fate worse than death! Perhaps if I killed myself... No, I wouldn't do that.

Dammit.

--- ---

I was hanging out with Luna and Colin in the parlor when it happened; the unthinkable. Ginny came prancing into the room, looking like the cat that got the cream.

"Luna, you were right, but _damn_ was that satisfying!"

Luna just shrugged.

Colin raised his eyebrows.

I looked back and forth between Luna and Ginny before posing the question that would result in my billionth Dad-related meltdown. "What was so satisfying?"

"Fucking your dad," Ginny replied casually.

"That's not a very good joke."

"That's because it isn't a joke. I just finished nailing your dad!" She did a little... Victory dance, I suppose. "Another notch in my belt, oh yeah!"

"You can't be serious. You didn't have sex with my dad."

"She did," Luna informed me. "And so did I."

I was... Well, enraged would be putting it lightly. Of course, that was the moment that Dad decided to waltz into the room, arguing with Severus about something while he frowned and tapped a rolled up newspaper against his leg.

"Oh, hello everyone," Dad greeted.

"What did you do?" I burst out, pointing at him.

"Huh?"

"I told her," Ginny informed him.

"Shit."

"Give me that!" I grabbed the newspaper away from Severus, pointing it at Dad. "Who's a bad Dad?"

"Uh..."

"Bad Dad! BAD!" I beat him about the head with the rolled up newspaper. "You know what you did! Very, _very_ bad! Go out in the yard!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

With a bit of a sniff, he headed out to the backyard. "I want you to know that I am filled with emotion right now!"

"Don't make me come back there!"

"I wish I could punish _my_ parents," Ginny grumbled.

I hit both her and Luna with the newspaper. "I can't believe you both slept with my dad!"

"So?" Luna asked.

"So it makes you terrible people!"

"No it doesn't. It makes us horny people."

"She has a point," Ginny defended her and herself.

"This is RIDICULOUS!" With that, I made my grand exit and locked myself in my bedroom to sulk. Actually, I locked myself in Severus' bedroom because it has a loo. Haha, fucking toilet.

Yeah. This is me when I'm ANGRY.

"Nadia?" Colin was at the door.

"Are you here to negotiate?" I asked... Through the door.

"Yeah."

"Get me some chocolate and I'll let you in."

"I already have some."

I debated for a moment, then let him in; it paid off, because he had a box of truffles with him. "Yes!" I devoured them.

"I think you're being too hard on Ginny and Luna."

"What about Dad?"

"I don't care about him." He sounded pretty resentful, there. "But, I was thinking... Maybe part of the reason you're so angry is... Is because even though your parents are divorced, you feel like they're stealing your dad away from your mum. Or maybe that they're stealing him away from you."

"Maybe." I played with the wrapper of a truffle; it was a bit awkward, since it was the first time I'd actually talked about the divorce. "How'd you figure that out, anyway?"

"My parents got divorced a while ago."

"Oh, yeah. Brain fart moment."

"Well, we never really talked about it. I never liked to mention it."

"Yeah. Me neither, apparently."

"At least he's not marrying one of them," Colin pointed out.

"That would be gross," I accepted. "Well... I guess I can get over it, eventually. I mean, I _am_ living with Dad's best friend. It's just... Disgusting."

"Tell me about it."

"Yeah. Speaking of telling... What's with you and Luna, anyway?"

He blushed furiously. "Um, I've just been talking to her... About stuff..."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You'll be angry at me."

"No I won't," I promised. At least I knew already that he couldn't possibly have slept with my dad.

"Well... I kind of had a bit of a thing for your dad... And he, um, shot me down."

"Oh. Okay. I didn't know I'd turned you gay." This was something of a surprise.

"I'm _not_ gay!"

"Okay, I believe you." It totally made sense.

"I just... Experienced a lack in judgement. That's all."

"Okay." I patted him on the shoulder. "Well, wounds heal. And I guess I can get over my dad being a heinous slut, in time. I'm just gonna... Sit on it for a while."

"Sure." Colin left me to my sulking after that. He's totally gay.

Eventually, though, I decided that life was too short to stay angry about the sex stuff, and that I could bring it up later for guilting anyway, so I went downstairs and informed everyone that I forgave them. And I let Dad back inside the house, too. But I made him stay on the newspaper.

- - -

Severus and I were sitting in the parlor after everyone had gone to bed, reading together. He wanted to unwind, and I wanted an excuse to hang out with him, so, you know. Unfortunately, I also had a guilty conscience that needed attention.

"Severus." I snapped my book shut. "I need to unload."

"Is that your way of announcing your need to use the bathroom?"

"_No_. Just listen to me for once in your pathetic life."

"Go ahead," he grumbled, begrudgingly closing his book.

"I'll just jump right in, then. I feel like such a bum."

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"I can't even find a job, I'm leeching off of you, and for some inexplicable reason, even though you hate me, you've taken me in as your lover. I really don't have anything to offer in return, though. What is with you? Do you have some sort of complex? Are you just doing my father a favor?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"If I absolutely hated you, you wouldn't be here right now." It took me a moment to absorb the information.

"What?"

"I don't necessarily _hate_ you. I just _dislike_ you. There's a difference, believe it or not."

"You don't hate me?"

"No. And if I were to be perfectly honest, I'm starting to get used to you. At least, I no longer wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night with the powerful urge to commit suicide."

"Really?"

"Yes. Besides, you have plenty to offer me. Like... Sex, for instance." He turned to the next page in his book. "And, on the rare occasion, food."

"What about stimulating conversation?"

"I don't recall such a thing ever occurring."

"Jerk."

"Immature bitch."

"Hypocrite." I always thought the heart-to-hearts that Severus and I have were touching.

"Nadia?" Ginny popped her head into the parlor. "Talk time."

"Alright." I punched Severus in the arm before joining her in the hall.

"Listen... Colin and Luna and I were all talking, and we thought it would be best if we just packed it up and headed on out tomorrow morning."

"How come?"

"Well... How do I put this nicely? You, your dad, and Snape are all crazy mofos. And since we slept with your dad, it's a bit awkward. Sorry. I'm also tired of all the middle-aged women on the street glaring at me because they lust for your dad... Besides, Luna and Colin have work, and I've got an internship coming up that Charlie wants to help me 'prepare' for-"

"Charlie? Why him?"

"It's a dragon taming or whatever internship... Something like that."

"I didn't know you liked dragons."

"Well, Charlie got it for me and I just couldn't break his fragile little heart."

"Alright, then. I guess I'll just see you guy around."

"Yeah. Just don't ask us to stay over here ever again."

"Go to bed, Ginny." After that discussion, I rejoined Severus.

"So your awful friends are finally vacating my home?" he asked. He is such an eavesdropper.

"Yeah. They hate you."

"Hmph."

It was nice to just sit and read with him; Severus is much more amiable when he's not speaking.

- - -

The next morning we saw off the SSSers, which was something of a relief, because it meant that I didn't have to worry about my dad trying to have sex with them anymore. Phew! But I suppose it's going to be quiet in the house... Wow.

Most of the rest of the day was spent sitting around and doing close to nothing. Dad and Severus both claimed to have work to do... I just never saw them do it. I, meanwhile, was exercising my lazy muscle. A moderate amount of excitement was brought to us at around two o' clock in the form of a visit from Remus.

I answered the door, because I was the only one who was willing to get up. "Hi, Remus!" That was what I said. Oh, yeah.

"Hello, Nadia." He smiled, although it was a bit strained. "I actually need to talk to Nathanyel about something."

"Going to try your luck again?"

"Actually, I was going to apologize to him, since I was a bit of a fuckwit."

"Ah, I see." What to do? "Why don't you make yourself comfortable in the kitchen while I go get him?"

"Alright."

I set off toward the study (in which no one was studying) to confront Dad. "Remus is here to see you."

He sniffed loudly, burying his nose even deeper in his book. "I don't care."

"He wants to apologize for being a fuckwit."

"That's good." He paused for a moment. "But I still don't care."

"Stop acting like a brat and go in there and see him!" I snapped.

"Just go," Severus grumbled.

"Only if Severus comes with me," Dad replied.

"Fine."

"Alright, then," I sighed. "Go."

"No eavesdropping," Dad warned me as he and Severus left the study.

Eh, I wasn't interested in his little soap opera, anyway.

--- ---

Lupin was actually going to _apologize_ to Nathanyel. I swear, sometimes I have to stop and wonder why that man is still alive. I mean, really.

"Severus, I'm nervous," Nathanyel informed me, staring warily at the kitchen entranceway.

"You're an arse," I shot back, practically dragging him into the kitchen.

"Hello," Lupin greeted amiably.

Ugh, I hate it when he's amiable like that.

"Hi," Nathanyel replied... Shyly.

Double ugh.

"Um..." Lupin stood up, wringing his hands. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

"Do you want me to go, now?" I pleaded with Nathanyel.

"No. You have to stay."

I really hate him.

"Nathanyel, I..." Lupin paused, glancing at me, then went on. "Nathanyel, I... I came over because I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I was a bit uncomfortable with your... Er... Advances, but that was no excuse to fly off the handle, as it were."

"Thanks, Remus." Nathanyel smiled up a him, taking a step closer.

"And I've put a lot of thought into it, and I was wondering if... If you'd like to be my roommate?"

"Roommate?"

"I mean," Lupin rushed on, "I thought that since you needed a place to stay and since I needed a roommate that it would only be reasonable to ask you... To..." Lupin trailed off as Nathanyel advanced, obviously not with innocent intentions.

"I'd like that." He leaned up and kissed Lupin briefly. "We can have slumber parties."

"S-slumber... Parties?" Lupin looked like he could have died happy.

"Well, see you later!" With that, Nathanyel skipped out of the room.

"Why am I always here for these things?" I pondered aloud.

"Wait! Let's go out for drinks!" Lupin, being the pathetic dog that he is, chased after Nathanyel.

I just went to bed.

- - -

"Good lord..." Someone was knocking on the door, at this ungodly hour of the night. I may have been up, but I certainly wouldn't go running around visiting people. It was past midnight, already! "What the fuck is it?" I swung the door open to see Lupin, carrying a soundly sleeping Nathanyel.

"He's drunk," Lupin offered up as an explanation. "I'm a bit tipsy, myself, but he's fall-down, vomit-on-himself, saying-stupid-things drunk."

"It's not my problem. Why don't you just take him home with you? I'm sure you'd like to take advantage of the situation." I made to close the door, but Lupin stepped inside at the last minute.

"I can't. Please don't make me." I looked back and forth between him and Nathanyel.

"Something happened?"

"Yes."

"Don't be a pussy," I grumbled.

"Severus! This is a serious matter!" He looked rather put off.

"Fine. Go drop him in the parlor. I trust you to let yourself out." I whirled around and headed upstairs before he could protest anymore.

"Wait!" Of course, Lupin is hopeless.

"What now?"

"...Where's the parlor?"

"Fine, I'll take him!" I headed back downstairs, took Nathanyel from him, and dragged the sleeping idiot to the parlor. "You can go now."

"...Alright. Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight," I grumbled as he retreated out the door like a scolded puppy.

With a relieved grunt, I dropped Nathanyel onto the parlor sofa. Unfortunately, the impact of his landing woke him up. "Eh? Oh, hello."

"You're drunk," I informed him.

"Oh," he replied. He looked away and played with a button on his shirt. "I... I'm not a very good person, am I?" he whispered, frowning slightly.

"Who said that?"

"Nobody needed to say it. I just know. You should know, too."

"You're drunk," I said again. "I always hated you when you were drunk."

"And the rest of the time, too. You should, at least." Nathanyel sighed and stared up at the ceiling. "Why doesn't Remus hate me? After everything... Why not?"

"After... Everything?" I stared at him in shock, wondering that if, perhaps, by some strange miracle, he actually _remembered_ everything he'd erased.

"After the drugs, the lies, the murders... How can anyone not hate me?"

Oh. So he didn't remember, after all; I breathed a sigh of relief.

He rested his arm across his face, covering his eyes. "I'm a horrible person." There were bandages around his forearm.

"Nathanyel... Those bandages..."

"It hurts. I wake up at night, and it burns." He moved his arm away and scratched at his neck, which was also wrapped up. "It burns and itches... And bleeds."

"Bleeds?"

"Bleeds," he confirmed, nodding. "It's just a reminder. Reminds me how awful I am."

"You're not _that_ awful," I tried to comfort him.

"I am," he muttered. "I _am_ awful." He buried his face in the back of the couch, his voice becoming muffled. "I dream about _Him_. Like looking in a mirror, like being in a... A dark, cramped closet."

"You'll be fine," I reassured him, even though I didn't believe it myself.

"And I dream about my father." Now _that_ was a surprise. "I... I..." He turned his head to look at me, tears welling up in his eyes. "I miss him."

"What?" That was an even bigger surprise.

"Why did I kill him?"

"You _hate_ your father. You always have!"

"I hated him more than anything," Nathanyel whispered, his hand clenching into a fist. "I hated him so much that it hurt."

"I know."

"But I miss him." He reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. "Is this what it feels like for you?"

"No," I admitted. "I never think about my parents."

"I'm sorry." He was crying again. "You could have known them."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"It's all my fault. I could have known him, too. And you could have known them."

"I wouldn't have liked them, anyway," I dismissed.

"You don't understand. It's all my fault. He used to kill people for money."

"Your father," I clarified, wondering where he was going with this.

"Yes. So when you said you were moving... I paid him. And you stayed. I just wanted you to stay. I'm sorry."

"Nathanyel..." I had no idea what to say. "You talk too much when you're drunk. Just go to sleep."

"Okay." He dropped my hand and wiped his face with his sleeve, sniffling.

I left the room without another word, wondering if what he'd said was true. But then again, Nathanyel never lied when he was drunk. And if that was so, then... He'd hired his own father to kill my parents. That was... What? Twenty years ago? More, I think.

It was a dilemma that I was not willing to dwell on at such a late hour. Besides, it's better to sleep on these kinds of things, anyway.

--- ---

I woke up in a considerably good mood; sure, my dad was the worst skank on the face of the Earth, but at least I had my butt buddy, Severus. And the weather was nice and I wasn't bloated or anything, and I was even having a good hair day!

It was a great day, indeed- a warm, sunny day; the kind of day when you just want to laze about. Severus had gone into London for some potions ingredients and Dad was currently baking some sort of cake, so I was in the sitting room, working on my latest story. I was just getting to a really juicy part when there was a knock at the door. So, I answered it. Standing on the porch was a very lanky... French maid. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and her hazel eyes glittered strangely behind a pair of oval spectacles. "'Ello," she greeted in a heavy accent. "I am Giselle Delflote, and I understand zat vous are in need of... 'Ow you say... Domestic services?" For a long while, I could only stare.

"Excuse me?"

"Zis eez ze Snape residence, eez eet not?"

"Er... Yes."

"Not to be rude, young mademoiselle, but eez zere a Nathanyel Page present?"

Oh, for the love of God. Well, there goes my mood.

---- ---- ----

So that's it for the chapter. You're probably thinking that you won't see another one for six months... And you might be right. But you might not! There's still hope! Anyway, next chapter: Nadia learns more about her past, Nathanyel moves out of the crazy house and in with Remus, and... Other stuff.

Good evening!


	7. Once, Twice, Three Times a Laszlo

Alriiiiight! I finally finished this chapter! Unfortunately, there's no date in this one... Fortunately, there _is_ cross-dressing. And oooooooohhh mystery! So, um... Sorry it took another six months. School and so on, you know. Hopefully, the next chapter will be easier to write. And I proofed this about a million and half times, so if there are any mistakes... It's trolls.

Anyway, get ready to learn about the mysterious past of Nadia's family whoooooaaaa!

- - -

Disclaimer: Shake it like J.K.'s characters and settings.

- - -

Chapter 7: Once, Twice, Three Times a Laszlo

- - -

_All you need is love... Or a swift kick in the ass._

_- - -_

"Not to be rude, young mademoiselle, but eez zere a Nathanyel Page present?"

"Did someone say my name?" Dad popped up behind me, oven mittens shaped like snakes' heads stuck on his hands. He took one look at the French maid and blanched, looking as if he'd just seen a ghost. After a long, pregnant pause, he addressed her. "...Giselle?"

"Oui!" she answered happily. "Eet eez so good to see vous! And what an 'andsome man vous 'ave become!"

"Dad... You _know_ her?"

Dad nodded, looking quite dazed. "Yes... She's... My uncle."

"...What?"

He ignored my inquiry and instead took Giselle by the hand and led... her... inside, pulling her into a tight hug. "I thought you were dead," he murmured. "I'm so glad to see you."

"We 'ave all missed vous and Olivia terribly," she replied, managing to extract herself from the embrace. Meanwhile, I was wondering who Olivia was, and what she meant by "we all."

"Come, sit down and have some tea," Dad urged, heading for the kitchen.

"I would very much like to use ze bathroom first, sil vous plait."

Dad directed her to the bathroom and disappeared into the kitchen. I returned to the sitting room to clean up the desk I'd been working at, and after a few minutes I heard a man's voice directed at me.

"Er... Excuse me, Miss, but... Where am I?"

I looked up, blinking at... Giselle. Except that her hair was now in a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck. And she was apparently a man now.

"...Giselle?" I asked vaguely.

She- he- looked down at his... attire... and blushed. "Er... Laszlo, actually. Laszlo Page. And you?"

"Nadia Page," I introduced. "The kitchen's across the way. You can go get some tea and I'll fetch you some decent robes."

"Oh... Thank you very much." He wandered away, and I made a quick trip upstairs to borrow some of Severus' robes. When I entered the kitchen, Dad and Laszlo were sitting at the table together, sipping tea and eating some biscuits. I handed the clothes to Laszlo and with a faint smile, he left to change.

"So..." I sat next to Dad, intending to find out just what was going on. "...He's your uncle?" I raised my eyebrows, awaiting an explanation.

"Uncle Laszlo has multiple personality disorder. Giselle is one of his alternate personalities. There are two others- a warrior named Shinji and an astronomer who goes by the name of Louis." He stopped to sip his tea, looking pensive. "...He... Disappeared. A long time ago- before you were born- after his wife died. After a bit, everyone just assumed that he'd died, too." Dad sighed heavily. "He was always very kind to me. He's a good man."

"I see." We sat in silence until Laszlo returned, looking _much_ better.

"Ah, hello. Nadia, is it? So you're Nathanyel's daughter?"

I nodded, and he let out a small chuckle, taking a seat at the table.

"I never would have thought it. Where am I, again, by the way?"

"Hogsmeade, Snape manor," I replied.

He turned to Dad and smiled widely. "Well, well! _Snape_ manor!"

Dad started to look rather uncomfortable as Laszlo slapped him on the back.

"So after all these years you're still-"

"That's right!" Dad interrupted quickly. "Severus and I are _still_ friends. And guess what? He and _Nadia_ are a _couple_."

Laszlo blinked, looking me over, then doing the same to Dad. Then he turned back to me and smiled. "Congratulations! I never thought that boy would ever find himself a decent woman."

I smiled back, wondering what the previous tension over Severus had been all about. Speaking of whom...

"What the hell are you doing? How many times do I have to chase your idiot friends out of the house before you take a hint?" He walked into the kitchen with a brown paper bag, setting it on the counter and taking some time out to glare at Laszlo. After a few moments, he blinked, and his glare softened to a look of befuddlement. "...Laszlo?"

"That's right." He grinned at Severus. "Long time, no see."

"...Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Apparently so."

There was a short period of silence in the room before Severus broke it. "Pour me some tea, Nathanyel. I've got to get this-" he gestured to the paper bag- "into the store room." With that, he swept out of the room, carrying the paper bag.

"Well, he's certainly gotten a lot more cheerful," Laszlo commented.

"Sometimes I wonder about him," I murmured, sipping tea.

"I always have," Laszlo replied. "He was the one who wore women's knickers, right?"

Dad blinked, furrowing his brow. "Oh, no. Not normally. I forced him into those."

"Where did you get them, then?"

"They were mine," he replied nonchalantly, pouring a cup of tea for Severus.

I choked. "You mean you've _always_ been a freak?"

"Oh, like it's really all that strange nowadays," Dad snorted.

"...I suppose you're right." I paused. "Wait a minute- wasn't that supposed to be in the seventies or whenever you guys were apparently young?"

"Let's move on."

"Let me guess," Laszlo sighed. "You want to know where I've been."

"A little."

"Um," I cut in, "should I be here for this?"

"I don't mind," Laszlo replied. "I was cursed and sealed inside a Buddhist temple."

There was silence.

"Well, I mean... Florian cursed me and left me there. He said it was unbreakable." Laszlo grinned a bit as he spoke. "He was never all that great at curses."

"This family," I contributed to the conversation, "is a freak show."

"How is that?"

"You have four different personalities, and your brother cursed you and left you in a Buddhist temple to languish for the rest of your days. Plus, Dad's a fruit."

"Hey!" Dad protested. "You don't know that for sure!"

"You wear women's undergarments, Dad! You're a fruit!"

"She's got a point," Laszlo agreed with me.

"You've always been a fruit," Severus also agreed as he returned for his tea.

"Well..." Dad crossed his arms, sulking. "I'm still sexy."

"Keep telling yourself that. Maybe it will come true."

"Yeah, Dad."

"Um," Laszlo cut in, "not to get off-topic, but... I was just wondering about my estate. Specifically, whether or not I have one anymore."

"Oh, right," Dad sighed. "Well, Olivia's taking care of it. She sold the house over here, since she's got the Zabini estate, now, and-"

"Zabini?"

"Yeah, she married the guy and killed him. Anyway-"

"Wait," I interjected, "this person killed her husband?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. As I was saying-"

"What do you mean it's no big deal?" I always thought that murder was sort of a big deal. Apparently, no one else on my dad's side of the family thinks so.

"Do you need to leave the room?" Severus asked me.

"No," I grumbled. "Continue."

"So," Dad went on, "the house in China is pretty much up and running- as a hotel."

"What?" Laszlo looked rather surprised.

"Well, more like a bed and breakfast. And the one in Japan's been kept up, but it's pretty much uninhabited."

"I guess that's where I'll be going, then."

"Olivia will come over and fill you in."

"Wait, what about your dad's house?" I asked.

Everyone looked at me like I was insane.

"What?"

"How did you know that I own my father's house?" Dad asked slowly.

"Er..." Maybe because I snooped around in his safe box and found the deed? "Lucky guess?"

"That's a good idea, though," Laszlo jumped in and saved my ass. "Do you use the house?"

"...No." Dad seemed a bit upset.

"How did you even get your hands on the deed? Florian disinherited you."

That was news to me.

"I used a lot of loopholes. I had to turn it into public property- mainly, a dark artifacts museum- for ten years. Then I converted it back to private property and had it closed with some spells to anyone outside the family."

"I think we should go over and have a look- maybe clean it out a bit." Laszlo seemed blissfully unaware of how opposed Dad looked to be to that idea.

"I'm going to go... Somewhere else." Severus very subtly left the room.

"You can count me out," Dad finally replied after gathering himself.

"Why?" Laszlo really needed to get a clue.

"I haven't been back there since my parents died, and I don't plan to go back. Ever."

"How did they die, anyway? I mean, I assumed they were killed when I stopped by and noticed the abandonment-"

"You were there?"

"Yeah, it's pretty gross looking."

Dad was frowning very... Extremely, I suppose the word would be. "You can have the house, if you want it."

"I'd need help cleaning it up."

"I'll help!" I immediately volunteered. This was a big advancement in my quest to discover my family's mysterious past. Dramatic, right?

"You will _not_ help," Dad snapped. "I don't want you going anywhere near that place."

"I'll go, too," Severus shouted from the next room, effectively revealing himself as a chronic eavesdropper.

We are _so_ meant for each other.

"No one's going near that house!" Dad growled. "And that is final!"

Of course, it's absolutely predictable that immediately after that proclamation we would end up at the house, right? Well... Yes, of course. And that's what happened.

Why is it that we all have so much time on our hands that we can just go over to an abandoned family estate to sort through the junk inside on a mere whim? Seriously. What the hell? Not to mention how quickly everyone got over the reappearance of a supposedly dead family member.

Like I'd stated before: this family is a freak show.

And side-along apparation is the most embarrassing thing ever, by the way.

"Holy shit," was my first reaction upon seeing the house my dad grew up in. It was the most ominous place I'd ever been to, and that was just standing out front. It was like the place was exuding evil. The inside was even worse. "Is it just me, or is this some sort of scary devil house?"

"It's a scary devil house," Dad confirmed.

"This place is more evil than I remembered," Laszlo agreed. "Maybe it's haunted, now."

"Not that I know of."

"Let's just find a place to start," Severus said, frowning.

I looked around the entrance hall, wondering where we would start. There was a staircase ahead of us, against the left-hand wall; to the right of it was a passageway that I would never venture through alone. There were doorways to the left and right of us, and alcoves with weird vases.

Dad pointed to the one to the right. "The green vase is still here."

"What's the significance of the green vase?" I asked.

"That's where I had my first sexual experience."

I vomited a little bit inside my mouth.

"With my cousin."

And once again.

"No more information," Severus ordered, looking as if he'd had the same reaction.

Laszlo simply adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. "Why don't you three start in the attic and work your way down?"

"What about you?" I asked.

"I'm going to go see what kind of condition the secret laboratory's in." He left before I could properly process the comment.

"There's a secret lab?"

"Yes," Dad replied. "Now let's go up to the attic."

We headed upstairs to the second floor... And then to the third floor. Then the attic; it was the dustiest, dirtiest attic I'd ever seen. It was filled with old junk and antiques, and there were piles of paintings all over the place. That's where I started, while Dad and Severus went through packed up boxes and trunks, accumulating a pile of things to be burned.

Yeah, that makes tons of sense.

It actually became rather enjoyable, though. I had never known that sorting through old junk and paintings could be so much fun. I was going through a few landscapes when I made a rather surprising discovery; a man with my exact coloring, who looked just a bit like Dad. He had a rather sinister air about him, even in a portrait. I pulled the painting out of the pile to get a better look at it. "Hm... Who might you be?"

The man in the frame eyed me disdainfully. "I am Florian Page, head of this family and owner of this household. And you look like a mudblood."

"Hey!" I glanced over at Dad to see that he had stiffened. "I'm a half-blood, thank you very much."

"Put that down," Severus hissed at me; I, of course, ignored him.

"Dad, who is this?" Though I had a feeling that I already knew. "Dad?"

Florian followed my gaze, scowling. "Dad?" he repeated contemptuously. "_Dad?_ I should have known you'd shame the family like this. Producing a half-blooded child, undoubtedly an idiot like yourself, no less. The only heir to everything I've worked for, a muggle-loving ponce! I should have aborted you when I had the chance!"

"This is my grandfather?" I puzzled, staring down at the seething man.

"Severus..." Slowly, Dad turned around, surveying the portrait with utmost loathing. "Toss this in the burn pile."

"Right," Severus agreed readily, taking it from me.

"Wait!"

They both stilled at my outburst, staring at me.

"Don't burn him. Let me keep him. I'll hang him up in a room where you won't have to see him!"

"_No_," Dad growled. "Burn it."

"But why?"

He seemed to be losing his patience rather quickly; his knuckles were white on the music box he had fished out of the junk. "Why do you want that _thing_ around?"

"Because I want to know him."

"There's nothing to know!"

"Yes there is! I want to know my family! I _need_ to."

"No you don't! Severus, get that thing out of here!"

"Yes I do! I don't know anything about him or them or _anyone!_ They're my _family!_"

"_I'M_ YOUR FAMILY, GODDAMMIT!"

I winced as the music box crashed into a pile of old instruments, knocking them over.

Without another word, he stood up and walked out of the attic.

I was rather shaken up, to say the least. "He's never screamed at me before," I stated in shock. "Not like that. He's never been that violent."

"_I'd_ have thrown you down the stairs," Florian informed me, sounding rather upset that Dad hadn't done just that. "He always was rather soft."

"More words of wisdom from the wizarding world's father of the year," Severus grumbled, tossing the portrait aside. "Well?"

"Huh?" I replied, once I realized he was addressing me.

"Aren't you going to cry on my shoulder?"

"No thanks. A regular hug is fine."

He gave me a pat on the shoulder as I crushed him in a bear hug.

"Alright, I think I've got it for the hug quotient."

"How disgusting," Florian groused from the corner.

"Can we keep him?" I asked Severus.

"You must really be a masochist," he muttered. "I'll see if I can find a less hostile portrait."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

I hugged him again. "Thank you."

He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"Ah, I see you've found Florian." Laszlo ascended the stairs and approached us. "I could tell something like this had happened from Nathanyel's temperament. Really, it's amazing how much of him has stayed the same."

"That's lovely," Severus replied flatly. "Laszlo, could you try to find a portrait of the man that won't insult everyone in the room? I need to have a talk with Nathanyel."

"I'll see what I can do."

"How very kind of you."

I watched Severus leave, then turned to Laszlo.

"Do you think there are any other portraits of him?"

"If Nathanyel missed this one, then I'm sure he missed one of the younger ones," Laszlo replied warmly. "I vaguely recall being in a portrait with him around the age of four or five. It was an occasion that always stood out in my mind because Florian planted a dung bomb in a can of the paint." As he spoke, he shifted several things around, apparently quite aware of what he was looking for. "After it was done, his portrait kept making faces at whoever happened to be observing it, so our parents put it up here."

"Wow. He sounds... Not like- um- _that_." I pointed at the rather angry-looking portrait.

"Yes, well... People change." He shrugged, continuing his search. "I _am_ glad you've taken an interest in the family, though. Nathanyel never showed this kind of interest for our history. In fact, he hates most of the family."

"I did get that feeling."

"I don't blame him, either. With relatives like _these_-" he indicated a pile of hissing portraits- "it's understandable that he doesn't want you to get involved."

"I don't know how he can stand it, not having a family."

"I'm sure you're enough for him."

I was very touched by Laszlo's statement. It was quite sweet.

"In any case, I think he could stand to know his father a little better." Grunting, he pulled a large portrait out from behind an old wardrobe. "Here we are."

"...So then I said, 'If I looked like _you_, I'd probably be screaming, too.' And she just smacked me- like this- _pow!_" The older boy in the painting finished off his vigorous story-telling by throwing himself down below the frame, while his younger companion giggled.

"...Yeah," I muttered. "Definitely a family resemblance."

"We were so young," Laszlo marveled, looking fondly upon the portrait. I grinned as Florian (obviously) pulled himself back up and started making faces at me.

"We are definitely keeping _this_ one."

"On a wall?" Florian suddenly inquired, incredulous.

"Yes," I replied. "On a wall."

"Finally!"

"Yeah!" little Laszlo cheered, obviously very excited about this new development. Aw, he was so cute!

"Aw! Laszlo, you're so cute!" I just had to say it out loud. "Where should we put them?"

"Somewhere safe," Laszlo replied. "Perhaps one of the bedrooms."

"What about my room?"

"If you're up to it."

"Yay! We're gonna be in a room!" the little Laszlo cheered.

"Yay!" Florian concurred. "We're gonna be in a room with a naked girl!"

"...On second thought, we'll put it in a different room."

"Good idea," Laszlo agreed.

"How about the bathroom?" Florian suggested.

Now I know where Dad gets it from. "Maybe we should burn it like the other one."

"Oh, it's not that bad," Laszlo tried to convince me. "You can put him in the guest room."

"I'm sure Severus would like to have a guest-repelling portrait in the house," I sighed. "Alright, then."

"You won't regret it," Florian promised me.

Right.

--- ---

"Nathanyel."

He was in the kitchen, of course. That big baby- all he ever really does lately is complain. "Are you going to calm down any time soon?"

"No." He looked like he was sulking, on top of it.

"Shut up." I sat down next to him at the kitchen table.

"Don't be mean, Severus." He glared at me for a moment.

"Don't act like a pussy."

"I'm _not_." He crossed his arms, frowning. "I don't now why you had to drag me out here in the first place. Some friend you are."

"Well we couldn't get into the house without you. You're the one who changed the wards, after all."

"Hmph." Nathanyel was acting like such a whiny little bitch.

"You _knew_ you'd have to come back here, someday." I paused for a more dramatic effect. "It was just a matter of time, so stop acting like a little bitch."

"Fine," he grumbled, acting like his usual immature self. "I don't see why Nadia's so interested in all this." And thus his major concern was revealed.

"Well, I suppose it would be rather compellingly mysterious. Besides, some people are just interested in that kind of thing- I can't imagine why."

"Neither can I. _I_ never wanted to know anything about my family. I never even wanted to _know_ them."

"You can't blame the ravenous beast for wanting to, though."

Nathanyel blinked, turning to look at me. "Did you just refer to my daughter as a ravenous beast?"

"Yes."

"You don't like her?" He looked worried.

"Now is neither the time nor the place for this discussion." Which was absolutely true.

"Then we'll discuss it later," he promised.

I was afraid of that. "We should get back to work."

"In a bit. I need to sit and think for a little while."

"Alright, then." I left him to think on his own and went up to the second floor to look around.

The first room was Nathanyel's old room. It was strange to see; the bed was made and still had the sheets I remembered being on it. The closet door was hanging open, a couple of shirts and some boxes in it. Everything was perfectly in place and untouched; it was a bit disturbing, actually.

After a quick survey, I found that it wasn't haunted or inhabited by anything, so I moved on. The guest room certainly brought up a few memories; it had an errant boggart in the cabinet that I managed to take care of. I'll never get over the form it's started taking on, though.

Pardon me while I recollect myself.

I made it through a few more rooms before Nathanyel caught up with me.

"This was Lucius' room," he remarked after sneaking up behind me like an asshole.

"I am well aware of that."

"Is there anything wrong with it?" he asked as he walked around the perimeter, inspecting the furniture and such.

"Not that I've gleaned so far."

"Ah, good." Of course he was acting pathetic; he always did when Lucius was involved.

"Stop acting like that. It's embarrassing."

"Sorry."

"Dumbass."

--- ---

Laszlo and I were making our way downstairs with the salvaged portrait as I contemplated the completely freakish turn of events that had just taken place. You'd think that after things were finally starting to get comfortable, they'd manage to stay that way- but noooo. My freakish family just has to be a circus in disguise.

Well, at least I'm never bored.

"So, Nadia," Laszlo attempted to converse. "Er... You're out of school, then?"

"Yeah..."

We were silent for a while.

"By the way, am I supposed to call you Uncle or something?"

He shrugged. "Call me whatever you want to."

"Alright... Laszlo, then. Depending on the circumstances, that is."

"Of course."

"Yes."

We stared a bit.

"This is kind of weird," I clarified needlessly.

"It is," he agreed. "Last time I saw Nathanyel, he was your age."

"Wow. You're old." That came out all wrong, but he laughed.

"I guess I am."

"You don't look it." Anyone who can wear a French maid outfit without looking gross is in good shape, in my opinion. Including men. "So, how does that Giselle thing work? I mean, she must have noticed the penis by now." I really shouldn't let my curiosity get the best of me.

"Well, she knows about the whole multiple personality thing, so... She's alright with it."

"Ah, I see." I would be kind of freaked out if I was a man's alternate personality.

"Um... Let's go to the kitchen and have a sit-down, shall we?"

"...Have a sit-down?" I stared at him to drive home how strange that phrase sounded.

"Yes, let's go." Laszlo isn't exactly the type to bother with normalcy, though.

The kitchen was downstairs, full of stainless steel, and absolutely HUGE! If it wasn't so evil (like the rest of the house) I would have been drooling. "Wow! Amazing!"

Dad smiled and waved at us from the small table where he was sitting with Severus.

Severus glared at us like the sourpuss he is. "You're done?"

"For now," I replied cheerfully. "Any good news? You look especially cheerful."

He just continued to glare.

"I have good news!" Dad interjected.

"Really? What is it?"

"The ravages of time have aged Severus _much_ more than me."

Severus snorted and hit him.

I hit him as well. "That's not news, it's just you being a dumb shit."

"Oh." Dad studied his fingernails for a bit, then cleared his throat. "By the way," he finally felt free to inform me, "I'm moving out. I'm going to be roommates with Remus."

I spent the next few moments feeling absolutely elated. "...YES! OH YES! AAH!" I'll bet that's how Remus reacted, too. Heehee.

"That sounded like an orgasm."

"It _was!_"

"Ew."

"Likewise," Severus agreed.

"Why?" I asked, feeling a bit hurt. "We have sex all the time!"

"And the sounds you make are absolutely horrifying."

I would have hit him, but I noticed that Laszlo had mysteriously disappeared. It was very mysterious.

And enigmatic.

"Laszlo's gone," I pointed out to the world in general.

"Oh, he does that sometimes," Dad replied.

There was a long pause.

"You mean like... When he disappeared for twenty years?" Oh, how clever I am.

"Hm, actually... Yes." Dad just grinned like an idiot.

"I think we should start cleaning again," Severus informed us, "because I don't think I can sit here with you two imbeciles for very much longer."

"Alright, alright." I got up and stretched, then headed out into the entrance hall. I looked around for a bit, then decided that it was high time that I found a place to piddle. That's right. I used the word "piddle." "Dad, where's the bathroom?"

"Um..." He came up behind me, scratched his head, then pointed at the stairs. "Second floor, turn right, and it's the third door on your left."

"Thanks." I headed upstairs to relieve my poor, neglected bladder, only to find that the bathroom door was closed and locked. I hesitated a moment before knocking.

"Ah, just a minute!" Laszlo replied.

"Alright." I stood by the door, waiting for him to finish up and trying to ignore the strange scraping noises and swearing. What the hell was he doing in there, anyway?

"Done!" Laszlo exited the bathroom, looking a bit out of breath. "It's all yours!" With that, he rushed off down the hall.

After Laszlo was out of sight, I went in to pee real quick, and as I sat on the toilet I was unduly agitated by a continuous dripping noise. After a quick scan of the room, I found that the source of the dripping was the shower. I also noticed that the head of the shower looked kind of loose. It was a little strange, but I shrugged it off and decided to check out the library instead of worrying about errant shower heads.

It was a little smaller than Severus' library, and packed with books about science and magic and medicine. It was quite interesting, so I started browsing, taking down books and flipping through them. There were a lot of dark magic books with really gruesome illustrations on every other page, and really wordy books about dissections and other things of that nature.

After a half hour or so of looking through the books, I found one that looked really interesting, mostly because it was written by my grandfather. When I opened it, something fluttered to the floor and landed with a soft click. When I bent down to pick it up I saw that it was a note.

-

Florian-

I've left the key in the head. Best of luck.

- Laszlo

-

It was rather strange. The key to what, exactly?

That was when I remembered Laszlo mentioning a (no longer) secret laboratory. The note must have been referring to the key to the lab. I wondered what the head was- a bust, perhaps? I tried to recall any heads I'd seen, when I suddenly remembered the loosened shower head.

Of course, since Dad had told me I was not allowed to see the lab, I had to see it. So, I went back up to the bathroom, just to see if the key was still there. Sure enough, when I twisted the shower head off, out came a key. I quickly replaced the head and ran back down to the library. Since the note had been there, I figured the entrance to the lab was also there. Besides, the entrances to creepy places are always behind bookshelves in movies and stuff.

I yanked on the candle holders and pulled out a shitload of books, trying to get the thing to move. After a bit, I figured that I was supposed to move it myself, and grabbed my wand, pointing it at the first shelf. "_Wingardium leviosa!"_ It felt good to actually use something I learned in school.

After moving three bookshelves to check the wall, I finally found a keyhole that almost blended perfectly into the wall. I was excited and a little scared at the same time. When I tried the key out, it fit. I slowly turned it, jumping a little when it click and a panel of the wall slid back. I gently pushed against it, and it swung open like a small door.

Ducking through it, I held out my wand and cast a lighting spell, marveling at the dank stone staircase leading down into darkness, as well as the huge cliche that I had just walked into. As I descended the stairs, I started to feel more and more anxious. It was as if I was heading for the den of a very vicious creature.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I paused for a moment before walking into the lab. It was as if I had walked through an actual wall of... Well, of bad aura. Or evil, maybe. Hey, it exists in the magical world.

Looking around at the wall to check for some sign of electrical lighting, I actually found a light switch and flicked it on. Several lights on the ceiling flickered into life and began buzzing; they were circular florescent lights with yellowing covers that cast a very creepy and unhealthy glow over the place.

There were lab tables to the right, littered with discarded instruments, some of them still covered in dried blood (ew) and rusting. To the left were shelves stacked high with books, journals, portfolios, and jars with weird-looking body parts in them. Upon closer inspection, I found that some of the jars held fetuses, their umbilical cords floating eerily in the preservative fluid. Other held eyeballs, thick with veins; there were also jars with severed human hands, feet, and innards- intestines, lungs, hearts and even spinal cords. Oh, gross. I got a real shock, though, when I came across one jar with a severed human head in it, staring out at me with a surprised expression. I nearly threw up at that; I was in the most scary, evil, disgusting place _ever_.

When I ventured further into the lab I found some more disturbing things. There was what looked like an operating table, with a cart full of instruments sitting next to it. The table had leather straps attached to it, most likely for restraint purposes. Further back was this weird tube filled with water, along with tubes and wires that had needles attached to the ends, and some weird boxy-thing in the back. Sorry, I'm not very technologically savvy. Either way, this thing looked like some creepy reenactment of The Matrix.

The lab was definitely for the express purpose of experimenting on human beings. That realization was frightening, but I didn't leave the lab just yet; I wanted to read the research journals.

I returned to the shelves and picked a journal out from somewhere near the beginning, opening it up. The entries were really weird. One read:

-

Date: 2/16/65

Subject: 4 yrs., 35 lbs.

Testing causing routine side-effects. Subject experiencing insomnia, complains of nightmares. Also displaying decreased appetite- becoming underweight.

Testing discontinued due to subject's weak condition. Will resume in 1 week.

That probably meant that my grandfather was experimenting on a child. That was a little less than comforting, to say the least. I returned the book and went to the next one, and immediately found a sort of scary entry.

-

Date?/?/66

Subject: 5 yrs., 50 lbs.

Reaction time of subject tested; very poor. Testing followed by attempted escape.

Subject experienced fractures in both legs. Healing process to be monitored.

Experiments with unicorn's blood to commence in 1 day.

-

That sounded pretty sinister. The whole place was sinister, really. It was the strangest and creepiest thing I had experienced in a long time, to tell the truth. My family had a secret lab. I mean... What the balls?

I replaced the research journal and looked through the shelf some more. Tucked in with the journals was a portfolio, which I grabbed and opened. The photographs inside were so surprising that I dropped the portfolio immediately, gasping. It was _Dad_. And he was being cut open and poked with needles and hooked up to wires like a freaking Christmas tree. He was just a kid, too.

What had happened here? What was Dad not telling me? What were these experiments all about, even? I knew that reading Florian's book and research journals would give me an answer (dur), but it was more a matter of getting Dad to let me keep them.

I searched for something small enough to fit into my bag- something I could take home with me without Dad noticing. So far, all I found was journals and papers. I eventually resorted to pulling some of the old photographs out of the portfolio I'd found and folding them up. After I'd done that, I started going through some drawers.

"Hello."

"AACK!" I jumped what was probably about three feet into the air. After I was done having a near-fatal heart attack, I slowly turned around, wondering if it was possible to evaporate. "Um... Hi, Dad."

Dad slowly circled around me, and the point was not missed that I was in the deepest of all deep shit. He eyed me like he was some wild animal whose territory I had unwittingly invaded.

"Um..." I tried to think of something in my defense. "I found the lab," was my weak reply.

He ambled over to one of the examination tables, fiddling with the straps and nearby instruments. "This place is scary, isn't it?" he asked idly.

"Er..." I wasn't sure what he was going to do. "Yes."

He nodded, staring at the table. Then, he gave the table a swift kick and it fell over, skidding and clanging loudly into the opposite wall. A heavy silence hung between us as a buckle from the table swung back and forth, jingling ominously. "Is that scary?"

"Um, yeah."

"Get out of here."

"Right. Bye." I'm not going to mince words.

I ran my fucking ass off.

I unwittingly streaked straight through the hallway and into the parlor, straight into Laszlo. "EEAAARGH!" I screamed.

"Er- are you alright?"

"Don't scare me like that!" I was still a little freaked out, as everyone within a five mile radius could probably tell.

"I suppose you're not alright, then?"

"No, I'm not alright! I went into that creepy secret laboratory and was looking around and then Dad came in and was all like 'I GONNA KILL YOU' and I was all 'AAH!' and stuff!"

Laszlo stared at me, blinking. Then, he shook his head a bit and smiled. "I'm sure it wasn't all that bad."

"Oh, it _was_."

"Well, why were you snooping around in the lab, anyway?"

"I was... Curious."

He sighed, scratching his head. "You're too curious for your own good."

"Yeah, sorry," I grumbled.

"Don't be," Laszlo replied gently, pulling the tie out of his hair. "I like people like that."

"Well, I suppose it's a small comfort." I flopped down into the nearest armchair and leaned my chin in my hand, frowning. "Dad definitely doesn't like it, though. I mean, I know my family was supposed to be horrible, but why is it so important for him to keep everything a secret?"

"Some people are like that."

"Secretive, you mean."

"Yes." Laszlo reached into his pocket and fished around for something. "They're afraid- of themselves, of not being liked, maybe- so they hide behind secrets." He pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed what he'd pulled out to me. "I'm not particularly fond of secrets. I'm the type of person who wants to know everything." He winked at me, then got up and walked away, whistling.

Strange.

When I looked at my hand, I was holding a pin engraved with a knife crossed with a sprig of thyme.

"What's that?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Severus snuck up on me and asked me that. "It's a pin!" I snapped back.

"I know it's a _pin_, you nitwit, but what's on it?"

"A knife and some thyme."

"Thyme?"

"Yeah."

"Wasn't that used as incense and put on coffins during funerals?"

I stared at the pin. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

I continued to stare. A knife crossed with something placed on coffins. Right. "I'll bet it's the family crest."

"Family crest?"

"Yup."

It was a few moments before Severus sighed and walked away. "...I hate my life."

I just shrugged. Whatever.

I decided to just avoid Dad as much as possible for the rest of the day (which turned out to be rather wise, considering his mood) and spent most of my time with Laszlo... And company. As it turned out, I got to meet Louis (who had given me the pin); he seemed rather nice, if a little bit... Strange. Then again, what can you expect from multiple personalities?

By the time we got home, I was ready to pass out. So, _of course_ Severus wanted to get it on (that nasty pervert). It just broke my heart to turn him down flat, but I still had to hang that portrait up and get to bed. After debating the issue for a minute or so, though, I decided to just leave the portrait in my room for the moment (and cover it with a sheet when I got dressed) and ended up falling asleep so quickly that I couldn't have done so any faster with Valium and vodka.

The next day I woke up at approximately noon (wow, _that_ was awfully late) to the soothing sound of Florian being obnoxious. I threw on some clothing and whipped the sheet off of the portrait, glaring. "Are you making _bird calls?_"

"Yes," Florian replied. "It's mating season, you know." He wriggled his eyebrows while Laszlo giggled.

"After dinner, I'm going to move you two to somewhere much less disruptive. Like... The other side of the house."

"Aw, come on!"

I ignored the protests of my new painted companions and headed downstairs for some breakfast... Or maybe it was lunch, considering the time of day. I headed into the kitchen, and then stopped dead, for I had been assaulted by the presence of another visitor to our humble abode.

A very pretty Asian woman with a long, aristocratic nose was sitting at the kitchen table, loosely clutching a cup of strange-smelling tea between her delicate hands. Her mouth was set into a straight line and she was watching Severus search through the cupboards with a rather cool expression. She seemed oddly familiar, actually. "Really now," she said in a smooth voice, her tone business-like, "you've been looking about for nearly ten minutes. Besides the fact that I sincerely doubt you are going to find an antidote for magically-induced impotency in your kitchen cupboards."

My mouth fell slightly ajar as Severus made a triumphant noise, dragging a large bottle out of the back of the cabinet.

"Shows how much _you_ know," he replied smugly. He then caught sight of me and my expression, at which he flushed.

The woman raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow as she turned to survey me. "Ah. Nadia. A pleasure." Her short greeting and previous statement towards Severus had jogged my memory, but if she was who I thought she was... Well, that would be rather strange, wouldn't it? "You _do_ remember me?" she inquired at my blank stare.

"Er... Mrs. Zabini?" That meant that she was Olivia, from Dad and Laszlo's conversation.

"Yes. I'm delighted you've recognized me." We'd only met once, but from what I had gathered she seemed alright. "And it'll be Page now, scrap the Mrs."

"...Huh?" But before I could ask any more questions, Dad had entered the room, followed closely by Laszlo, who was speaking quite rapidly. However, upon seeing the former Mrs. Zabini seated at the table, he immediately fell silent. There were a few tense moments in which all noise seemed to be suspended, before she rose from her seat and inclined her head.

"Father." Wow, that had certainly been a surprise.

"...Olivia," Laszlo replied. They stared at each other a bit more before Laszlo rushed forward and pulled her into a tearful embrace.

"Let's go," Severus whispered as he walked to my side and started to lead me away.

"What was that before about impotency?" I replied worriedly.

He flushed again. "It's none of your business."

"Oh, I think it is." I crossed my arms, frowning. "How can we have a relationship solely based on sex if you can't get it up?"

"I'm fixing it!" he growled, storming away.

I giggled a bit, then went off to work on my amazing romance novel in order to give Laszlo and his daughter their space.

And also to wonder if I'd committed incest.

My God. Ew.

Luckily (or maybe not), Dad returned from work about an hour later. "Hello, Nadia. I'm back for my lunch break!"

"Did you know that I was related to Blaise?" I immediately drilled him.

"Um... What?"

"You know, Blaise Zabini, _with whom I had sex?_"

"I'm not quite following you," he replied slowly. "And I already know that you had sex with him."

"Laszlo's daughter is Olivia, who is your cousin and also the mother of Blaise, _with whom I had sex!_"

"Oh! That!" Dad scratched the back of his head, looking a bit sheepish. "Sorry. Forgot to mention that."

"ARGH!"

"Wait! Blaise wasn't Olivia's biological son." He waited for me to calm down before continuing. "Her husband had an affair with a Brazilian maid, who returned to Brazil shortly after the birth of their illegitimate son. They decided to just pass him off as Olivia's kid. She even learned Portuguese and lied about her heritage to cover up, you know... Him not looking at all like her."

"Oh."

"Olivia is not at all Brazilian. She's Chinese, Japanese, and... Whatever Uncle Laszlo is."

"Which is also whatever you are."

"Right."

"It's Scottish, German, Irish and British."

"Ah, thanks. I'm French on my mum's side, too. You know, Malfoy."

"You're such an ass," I grumbled. "You know, I thought I'd committed incest."

"Well, technically Blaise would have only been your second cousin once removed, so that wouldn't have counted."

"Whatever. It's like when I found out Draco was related to me."

"You had sex with Draco?"

I decided to throw my typewriter at him. "No, I did _not!_"

Miraculously, the typewriter was unharmed after making contact with Dad's incredibly thick skull. And I guess he was okay, too. "Well, how am I supposed to know how much of a dirty trollop you are?"

"_You're_ the easy one in the family, Dad."

"Hey, addiction to sex is an actual disease."

I took a moment to be completely grossed out by that statement.

"So why is it like finding out Draco's related to you, again?"

"_Dad!_"

"Eh? Eh?"

"I fancied him when I was twelve, and _don't say a word_."

"You mean you-"

"_Not one!_"

Dad just started laughing at me.

"Ha counts as a word!"

"That makes you a _lesbian!_" he teased.

"Shut up! And you know it's offensive to use that as an insult, anyway!"

"A lesbian, eh?" Mrs. Zabini- er- _Olivia_ had joined us, looking very... Er... Severe. She turned her intimidating gaze in Dad's direction, then snapped her soul-piercing eyes back to me. "I can see why."

"I'm not a lesbian," I replied, shooting a look that I hoped was similar to hers in Dad's direction. "He's teasing me."

"Ah." She walked up to Dad, which made her look extremely tiny, since she was even shorter than _he_ is. And then she hit him upside the head. "Shut the hell up!"

"Owwie!" Dad replied, like an ass.

"Don't say owwie, you pussy!" She hit him again, then brushed her hands off. "He needs firm guidance," she informed me.

"Don't I know it," I sighed.

"In any case," she continued, turning back to Dad, "we've got a lot to take care of."

"M'kay," he agreed.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked.

"Nothing much."

"Just real estate issues," Olivia added.

I was suspicious, but after some consideration I decided against following my initial urge to be extremely nosy. Last time I'd done so, Dad had gone completely insane (which I totally forgave him for, of course- really) and I needed the writing practice if I was going to go anywhere career-wise.

But maybe it had something to do with those bandages he thinks I don't notice.

I really should kick Dad's ass more often. Just... not when he's in the mood to kick mine.

--- ---

"Severus, we need your help."

"God _dammit_, anyway!" was my reply.

"Get over your impotence, already- it isn't that big of a difference, anyway." It was Olivia, of course.

"This is my personal lab, dammit, and I don't like people sneaking up on me." I turned around to give her my best glare, but it didn't faze her. Nothing ever does. "What are you doing down here?"

"Dad's going to give Nathanyel a treatment."

"And what do you need me for?"

"You need to mix the ink." She whipped a parchment out of her pocket and handed it to me. "Here's a list of the components and some instructions. Nothing needs to be heated or anything... So it should only take a few minutes."

"Where are you doing it?"

"In the mountains. I'll accompany you."

"Wonderful." I was surprised that my sarcasm didn't get a physical response out of her, but also relieved. I looked down at the list she'd handed me, thankful that I'd restocked my stores. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have had even half of what was listed there- most of it was imported from China and Japan. Well, it made sense, seeing as it was Laszlo performing the sealing spell. "You're lucky I have all this."

"Oh?"

"You bitch."

"Just get to mixing- this is a rush job."

"Rush, eh?" I began picking things out of my stores. "Then I'll rush."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well, that's it! Yes, I left it on an eeeevil cliffhanger. But I like doing that. You know, some scenes in this chapter I had planned out almost two years ago... It's so freaky.

Anyway, for the next chapter: Nadia and Severus' date- that's right, they'll finally be able to nurture their "relationship"- then Nathanyel moves out and Nadia get a job! Whoo! Okay, bye now.


	8. Normality, or Some Semblance Thereof

A/N: Helloooo again. It hasn't been six months! Aren't you proud of me? Anyway, this chapter consists of many things, including Nadia getting a job and going on a date with Severus. And Nathanyel hatching a dastardly scheme. So... READ!

Disclaimer: Eh, whatever.

-

**Chapter 8: Normality, or Some Semblance Thereof**

-

_Love is like Communism; it sounds nice, in theory. In practice, however, it is an entirely different story._

-

-

-

Dad was sick.

He was in the bathroom, throwing up, for the entire day. He'd been sick since Olivia had come by and picked up Laszlo, and the worst part was that the longer he was sick, the longer it would take him to move out. Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh. I gave him some Pepto-Bismol and ginger ale, though! Well, I drank most of the ginger ale, but I was pretty thirsty!

"Dad! Do you want anything else?"

"A gun." He moaned to accentuate the comment.

"What for?"

"To shoot myself with."

"Don't be such a drama queen."

"But I really am in that much pain!"

"It's true," Severus interrupted us, walking into Dad's room with Remus and a tray of green tea and saltines in tow. "Laszlo gave him some medicine, and these are the side effects."

"Medicine for what?" I was suspicious, to say the least, but everyone was keeping a tight lid on this one. Not even Remus would divulge his knowledge.

"For his... I don't know, his crazy!"

"His 'crazy?'" I raised my eyebrows.

"Oh, fuck off." It wasn't often that Severus was reduced to blatantly improper grammar.

"He's got a point," Remus added gently, steering me toward the door. "Let's go get some nice, refreshing tea."

Dad moaned pitifully. "I wish _I_ could enjoy some tea."

"Shut the fuck up," Severus scolded.

Remus shut the door behind us, cutting off all further petty arguments caused by Dad being a baby. We walked to the kitchen together, where Remus immediately proceeded to (big surprise) make tea.

"I'm guessing you're feeling stressed," I began, hoping to ignite the dormant coals of conversation.

"A bit," he replied, and for once in my life, I didn't press.

"Well, tea _is_ rather soothing," I admitted.

"Soothing," he agreed, putting a cup in front of me and sipping his own.

"Well, there's nothing to worry about. I mean, it's just a stomach virus or some sort of deadly tropical disease. Nothing of particular concern. Or are you just worried that the longer it takes him to move in with you, the longer he has to change his mind?"

Remus choked on his tea a bit.

"Oh, give it up. I know you asked Dad to be your roommate because you've got a boner for him." I began working on my own cup of tea; it was very delicious. "I've mostly gotten over it."

"Well- um- thanks for that. And, I suppose I _am _worried he'll change his mind. Not just because of my 'boner,' as you put it, but because if he doesn't pull through... Well, I'm basically fucked. But not in a pleasant way, of course."

"Of course." I added a bit more sugar to my tea before I continued. "You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll force him to move in with you. If he so much as _looks_ like he's going to back out, I'll tie him up and drag him straight to you. Deal?"

"It's a deal." Remus still looked worried, though.

"Are you worried about Dad being sick, as well?"

"Er... Yes. He's been sick like this before, but that was a while ago, and the last time- oh, never mind. You don't want to know about that."

"Well, I know that Laszlo gave him some medicine for his 'crazy,' to quote Severus."

"It was more like a magical treatment- I really shouldn't get into this, Nathanyel would want to tell you himself."

"But what's it _for?_"

"Like I said, I shan't say another word."

"You just said 'shan't.' That is _so_ girly!"

"'Shan't' is _not_ a girly word." Remus finished off his tea, looking rather indignant. "Just because I like blokes, it doesn't mean I'm _girly_."

"But 'shan't' is pretty girly," I argued. "And so outdated. What possessed you to even say it?"

"It felt appropriate at the time."

"Oh, how many times have you used _that_ excuse?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing." I paused for a moment, just to add some dramatic effect. "Harlot."

"You did _not_ just call me a harlot."

"I most certainly did, you_ tramp_."

"Alright, alright. Is it too much to ask for a change of subject? Perhaps we could go back to Nathanyel and all his secrets that you're so eager to expose."

"Well, normally I wouldn't let you off so easily, but... Sure."

"Say, didn't you go back to the old house a couple of days ago?"

That certainly jogged my memory. I still had those photos I'd stolen from the lab, and I hadn't mentioned anything to Severus or Dad. Well, _obviously_ I wouldn't want to say anything to Dad, and if I told Severus about them, he'd just go and blab about them to Dad straight away. I thought that perhaps Remus could shed some light on the subject, since he'd known Dad just as long as Severus. "We did, actually. There's something about that I'd like to discuss with you, while we're on the subject."

"And what's that?" He finished off his tea and poured himself another cup, the fiend. He must go to the bathroom at least ten times a day.

"It's about Dad... You see, I found this secret laboratory." I stopped there to gauge his reaction.

Remus raised his eyebrows, but otherwise remained neutral.

"Anyway, there were tons of documents down there- things detailing these weird, vague experiments. The issue about that is... How do I say this, exactly? Right. They were all performed on Dad."

"...Oh." He didn't seem nearly surprised enough, which led me to believe that he'd already _known_. Remus set his cup down and cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. "And now you're going to ask me if I've been keeping secrets from you."

"And you're going to say it's because it isn't your place to tell me anything, anyway," I replied. I knew Remus well enough by then to at least know that much.

"Precisely."

"Well, I thought I should ask you if you knew anything, anyway. And also... I have some photographs."

He made that weird choking noise he always does when he's caught off guard. "You _what?_"

"That's right, hotness-" yeah, I went there- "and they're rather explicit."

"First, please don't call me 'hotness.' More importantly, _how_ did you get them?"

"They were in the lab, so I nicked a few while Dad wasn't looking. You want to see them?"

"Of course!"

"Follow me to my lair," I beckoned seductively, standing up.

"Alright."

I led him upstairs to my room, where I had the photos stashed. Of course, Florian instantly made a nuisance of himself.

"Who's your boyfriend? You better cover us up before you get it on- I don't want my little brother seeing that filth, you know." Florian... Why?

"He's gay," I replied, covering the portrait anyway.

"Hey!" Laszlo protested. "I wasn't doing anything!"

"Yeah, all I said was to keep it wholesome!" Florian joined in.

"If you keep quiet I'll find a nice wall for you," I promised.

"Who...?" Remus was simply confused.

"My grandfather," I clarified. "And Dad's Uncle Laszlo. It was in the house."

"Aha." Remus scratched the back of his head as he watched me rummage around in my piles of junk for the pictures. "So... Your room looks like a bomb hit it."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." I finally found the photographs (I'd left them underneath a stack of porn) and sat down on the bed. "I should warn you that these are really disturbing."

"How many do you have, exactly?" He joined me on the bed, trying to look over my shoulder.

"Four." I handed them over to him and watched as his mouth sort of... Fell open.

"Are those _ribs_ being exposed?"

"Yeah, and there's the spinal column." I pointed it out, just to be helpful.

"And this is _Nathanyel?_"

"Yeah, and his age and weight are on the back."

Remus flipped the photo over, a frown crossing his face. "It says... Age three. _Three_."

"I know." I put a hand on his shoulder, because I thought I should at least do something.

"If that- that-"

"Whorebag?"

"Right. If he were still alive, I'd kill the bastard myself."

I patted him on the back, feeling rather useless in the area of emotional support and comfort. At least Florian wasn't acting up, though. "If you don't want to see the other ones..."

"No, I'll look at them." He grimaced at the next one- it was a picture of Dad with so many needles in him that he looked like a pincushion. "Ouch."

The next picture was one of Dad in that weird tube thing I'd seen in the lab, with all these wires and tubing coming out of him. And, finally, a close up of a forearm, which was bruised, split open, and bleeding fiercely.

"Well... That was... An experience." Remus handed the photos back to me, looking slightly sick.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Does whatever seems to be happening in these photos have anything to do with Laszlo's treatment?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And you're not going to let me in on the details, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

Well, it was frustrating, but what could I do? "Alright, then." I got up and walked over to the portrait, removing the sheet. "You may now see the light of day once more."

"You guys were saying dirty words," Laszlo informed me.

"Yeah," Florian agreed, "tone it down around the kid."

"Sorry, didn't mean to offend you." I rolled my eyes; really, they're just portraits.

"I must admit," Remus joined in, "I'm rather surprised that Nathanyel let you keep them." He was probably as relieved at the change of topic as I was.

"Well, he doesn't exactly _know_, and I hope you won't tell him. Once he's out of here I can get them up on a decent wall and actually have some peace in here."

"You know, I think I've heard Severus say something along those lines about you and Nathanyel."

"Nice." I turned around to glare at the painting. "You two be good, or else."

"Yes, Ma'am," Florian and Laszlo agreed simultaneously.

"Come on, Remus. We don't want anyone getting suspicious and thinking I've turned you heterosexual or something."

He shook his head, making a face. "Heavens, no. Ew."

"Thanks." I shut the door firmly behind us, casting a silencing charm just in case. "I really wish you'd at least tell me _something_ useful about this whole thing."

"No amount of pressure will convince me to divulge my secrets."

"But I have a right to know just as much as anyone else in this house!" I even pouted, to make myself more convincing.

"I can't." Remus was holding strong, even against the mighty force of my pouting.

I decided to play dirty. "If you don't, I'll tell everyone you're straight."

He paused halfway down the main staircase and looked back up at me with narrowed eyes. "You're bluffing."

"I'm not. I'll spread the word that you're a lady-loving stud."

"I'll see what I can do with Nathanyel, but you won't be hearing any information from me."

"It's a deal."

"What are you doing loafing about on the staircase?" Severus interrupted with his shrill nagging. "If you think _I'm_ the one who's going to be giving up all my time placating that blithering boob, then you've got another thing coming!"

"Nice alliteration," I complimented. "You know, with the blithering boob thing."

"I'll go see how Nathanyel's doing," Remus said in his most soothing voice and headed in the direction of the piteous moaning.

I waited until he was out of earshot, then turned to Severus. "I don't care how sick he is, I want him out of here by tomorrow."

"I was thinking closer to tonight," he replied.

"Nah, I want to at least give him the night."

"Whatever you say."

"Hey, while Remus and Dad are busy... Wanna go fuck?"

Severus sighed, looking rather put upon. "If you insist." He always was rather coy.

"Let's go."

- - -

So it was with a light as pure helium heart that Severus and I practically forced Dad out of the house and into his brand new apartment with Remus.

"Hey, this is a pretty nice place," I observed as we helped Dad bring a few things up. It was really much more well-kept than I'd expected it to be.

The entrance of the apartment opened up into a large rectangular space that made up the living area (to our left) and kitchen/dining area (to our right). The kitchenette area was mostly defined by a partition that was attached to the right-hand wall of a hallway across the room from us. Upon closer inspection, I found that the hallway contained a door on the immediate right that led to a rather spacious bathroom, a bedroom on the left side, and then a master bedroom at the end of the hall, which was HUGE.

"Whose bedroom is this?" I queried.

"Oh, that's mine," Remus replied from where he and Dad were trying to decide on the position of their big gay red sofa.

"I should have sensed the aura of gay."

"I think we should get a house-warming piano," Dad commented offhandedly.

Remus nearly dropped his end of the sofa. "A _piano?_"

"I don't see why not."

"What would we use a _piano_ for?"

"For playing." Dad nodded to Remus and they set down the sofa facing the wall next to the entrance. "We can put a television against that wall. And then a coffee table right around here." He motioned to an area on the floor in front of the couch. "And then we'll be able to have a pornography night."

"Ew," I voiced.

"Then we won't invite you. We can invite Severus, though."

Severus snorted from the kitchen, where he was trying to figure out what the microwave was. "Do you actually think I would ever watch porn with _you?_"

"Ummm..."

"No."

"Are you at least going to eat dinner with us?"

"You mean cook for you?" I cut in.

"Well... If you wouldn't mind."

"Pht." I flopped down on the big gay red sofa, sighing. "This gay sofa is so comfy." I snapped my fingers at Dad, settling in. "Fetch me a soda." I had a feeling that my summer was about to greatly improve.

---------------

I stood outside Nathanyel's new apartment, scowling just for the sake of scowling. He wanted to discuss something "important" with me, which, in his case, probably meant that he wanted advice on his love life _again_. I considered knocking for a moment, but then decided that the little tit didn't even _deserve_ it. This, of course, was a mistake.

"Look, Draco, I'm not getting through any of this any better than you are- so just lay off it, alright?"

Apparently, I had walked in on something. As usual.

"Don't be such a fucking berk. Just because you're related to me you think you can treat me like a kid."

Nathanyel snorted. "Then don't act like one."

"Don't act like you're the fucking cat's meow." Draco seemed to be rather annoyed. "It's getting on my nerves."

"You're such a whiny little bitch," Nathanyel whined.

This is what happens when two very disagreeable people get together.

"Shut up," Draco groused.

"Make me." Nathanyel pulled him closer and...

Merlin, doesn't he know that incest is illegal?

"Would you stop molesting everyone you come across long enough to actually tell me what you want?" I finally spoke up, interrupting their little... Gross-fest.

"Don't interrupt!" Nathanyel complained. "Get out!"

"I'm not getting out."

"I want sex now! Get out or have sex!"

"I'm not having sex!" I hit him, for good measure. "Stop being such a slut!"

"Don't I have a say in this?" Draco interjected from the buffoon's lap. Pardon me while I vomit a little bit into my mouth.

Nathanyel and I both snorted.

"So I take it that you feel better," I aimed at Nathanyel, ignoring Draco.

"Much better. Still a little sore, but I'll live." He grinned at me. "Uncle Laszlo sealed me all up!"

"I am aware of that, you disaster of humankind."

"Oh, Severus. I do so love it when you whisper sweet nothings in my rear."

"Ew," Draco commented on the subject.

"Yes, and as entranced as I'm sure we all are by your rear, I would like to know what you thought was so important for us to talk about that you had to force me to witness your inbred idea of a good time."

"Draco's poor," Nathanyel informed me.

"And am I supposed to care?"

"How do you feel about fifty thousand galleons in your pocket?"

"...I feel a little less apathetic than I did a minute ago. However, before you continue, kindly remove your cousin's offspring from your lap."

"You're such a good godfather to me, Professor," Draco simpered as he moved himself to a chair.

"Whatever. So what about fifty thousand galleons?"

"Weeeellll," Nathanyel drew his explanation out in a painful display of idiocy, "you know as well as I do that Lucius' assets have all been frozen for five years while the Ministry tries to sort out their own asses from their elbows, and once they do, everything becomes the property of the government. Consequently, this prevents Draco from obtaining his rightful inheritance."

Draco gave a dramatic sniff to accentuate the point.

"Of course I do. Now get on with it." I crossed my arms, scowling at him.

"Well," Nathanyel sighed, sounding like he was complaining about have to shop for groceries in the rain, "since the Ministry insists on being such a pain, we'll just have to go get the money from Lucius' vault ourselves."

"How do you propose we do that?" I growled.

"We'll break into Gringotts, of course!"

I hit him.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"Do you sincerely think we're going to be able to get in there, you raging _dolt?_"

"I still have a few connections," Draco informed me.

"And Uncle Laszlo's top in the curse-breaking field," Nathanyel added. "How do you think he managed to get out of whatever my dad did to him?"

"Fine!" I growled. "But that doesn't mean we'll succeed! And even if we do, then _we'll_ be cursed!"

"Oh, who cares about that old poem or whatever? I'll bet it's just to scare people."

"Don't take a goblin curse so lightly!" I hit him again. "It may not affect us _immediately_, but then one day before you know it, I'll be waking up married to your daughter and _then_ we'll _all_ be sorry!"

"Oh, like you don't want it."

"I'll kill you!" Perhaps I lost my temper a bit quickly, but I'd been strung rather tight as of late, and had been meaning to wring Nathanyel's neck, anyway.

"So is this a yes?" Draco asked, unalarmed by the display.

"Fine!" I let go of Nathanyel and backhanded him for good measure. "I'll do it, you half-witted dumb _fucks!_"

"Well, that went rather well."

Nathanyel nodded in agreement.

"I'm going now." I whirled around and left the apartment before I tried to strangle the both of them at once.

I fumed all the way home, and on top of it, the beast was up and about. "What are you doing _now?_" I grumbled, crossing my arms and watching her contaminate my study with her... Self.

"Not having sex with you," she replied. "Nor will I be having sex with you any time tonight."

"I'm going to bed," I snapped.

Honestly, she isn't good for anything.

- - -

I woke up in the morning, feeling extremely stiff. Still, the relief of finally having Nathanyel out of my house was overwhelming. In fact, I was in such a good mood that I was planning to make some Belgian waffles.

However, my good mood was soon deflated by what awaited me in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Severus!" Nathanyel chirped happily, sitting at _my_ kitchen table, drinking _my_ coffee, and reading _my_ newspaper.

"Why are you here?" I growled, mostly because I was too tired to shout. "You have your own apartment now. There is no reason for you to be contaminating my house with your extremely unwelcome presence."

"Oh, come on. I've _always_ shown up unannounced. Anyway, I'd like you to join me at work today." Nathanyel finished off his coffee, grinning. "There are a few things I have to take care of first thing, but after that I want to discuss our little mission."

"Thanks, but no thanks," I replied.

And that was how I found myself following Nathanyel down to the Department of Mysteries. After I had cleaned up and gotten dressed, that is. It had taken him a while to convince me to go, and so he was ten minutes late, and as a result the entire place was practically going mad. It was to be expected, though.

It took him another five minutes to shoo away the crowd of people that swarmed him, half with questions and half with complaints. Once they were gone, it seemed as if we were pretty much in the clear. Of course, that was not the case.

"You're late, Nathanyel!" A woman with short brown hair scolded. I believe her name was Koelln or some such nonsense.

"Well, I thought I was overdue," he replied casually. "I don't expect I've received any calls in the ten minutes I was delayed?"

"No, but Mr. Reed wants to see you, and are you allowed to have a guest?" She eyed me warily.

"Eh? Who cares? I _say_ I'm allowed."

"Yes, sir. Oh, and Millicent's taking care of some paperwork in your office."

"Thanks. I'd like her to take it somewhere else, though. Just for the time being." He walked off, grinning like a loon. "I love that people are dependent on me."

"Wonderful."

"What do you think Reed wants?"

"How should I know?" I snapped. "He's _your_ bloody head of department."

"Well, let's go see him, then!" Nathanyel replied jovially, heading down the hall.

"I'm supposed to go, too?"

"You sure are!"

Of course, once we arrived the man was sitting at his desk, waiting. The pompous idiot- tall and broad, but with a paunchy _everything_, probably from not moving, the lazy oaf. "Ah, Nathanyel- and- er."

"This is my guest, Severus," Nathanyel introduced. "I'm sure you remember him from our work on the Wolfsbane potion."

"Ah, yes," he lied.

"A pleasure," I grumbled as sourly as possible.

"But why-"

"I thought more work was in order," Nathanyel interrupted him. "And your business with me was...?"

"You're late this morning."

"Sorry about that. Won't happen again- bye." He headed for the door, but paused when Reed cleared his throat. "Yes, Augustus?"

"Please, have a seat."

Nathanyel remained standing, so I sat down instead; I still hadn't entirely woken up that morning.

"You have been taking a rather unusual amount of days off, lately-"

"So? I haven't had my vacation time yet this year."

"True, true. But it's a rather large amount, and you've been leaving early, and now this morning-"

"I was ten minutes late," Nathanyel finished lamely. "I am quite aware of that, as I've already established."

"Yes, and I'd advise you to be careful about these things, because it's certainly not conducive to doing your job, let alone _keeping_ it-"

"Wait a moment." He crossed his arms, leveling a steady gaze at Reed. It wasn't really menacing, or at all intimidating- not in the least. It was more of an apathetic gaze, really.

Still, Reed pulled at his collar and wiped at his face.

"You're threatening to fire me." It was a statement, not a question.

"Well, I think-"

"No, I'm fairly sure you _don't _think."

I was starting to feel a bit bad for Reed- after all, throughout the entire conversation the man could barely even get half a sentence out before being interrupted.

"You see, if you _did_ think, then you would think about how much you owe me, about how much you _need_ me, and about how much of an empty threat that is, coming from _you_ of all people. Just think back to every single moment that I have ever deigned to interact with you. In fact, think back to every moment you've even _spent_ in this department. I'd already been working here three years when _you_ were just a mail clerk. The only reason you became the head of this department is _me,_ with a side of luck, and the only reason you've even _survived life_ long enough to make it this far is sheer luck- with a side of _me_. So, for your own sake, please do not threaten me. And, on a side note, I think you really need to reevaluate your perception of our working relationship, because at this point we're on different levels."

Reed simply stared at him, mouth wide open like a dead fish and hand wiping furiously at his forehead.

"Well, off to work I trot. Severus?"

I stood up and followed him out of the office. "That sounded like a rehearsed speech."

"It was, a bit," he admitted.

"I didn't know you could even talk to a head of department like that."

Nathanyel shook his head and clicked his tongue a few times. "Poor, delusional man. Actually thinks he's in charge around here. Can you imagine?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I can't."

"So about our amazing heist," he continued. "Aren't you excited?"

"_No_," I replied sourly. "I don't know where you get these idiotic ideas. I just know this is going to end badly."

"Well, Draco has a right to that money, you know," he argued. "And so do I," he added thoughtfully.

"I _know_ already that you're only doing this in order to line your own pockets. You didn't have to involve me."

"You complain so much about these things all the time, but it's always your decision to get involved. I never force you. Well, maybe a few times, but mostly I don't." He stopped at the door to his office and performed a complicated series of charms and that crazy eastern magic he always uses with the paper and so on... I don't really care. "Ta-da!" He bowed me in, that manic glint in his eyes gleaming more brightly than ever. "I redid the office," he pointed out.

I really couldn't tell the difference. "Oh."

"It's slightly pinker," he clarified.

"I see." I wanted to hex him right then and there. "So what exactly did you want to discuss?"

"Well..." He sat down at his desk, fishing around in a drawer for a while before pulling out a parchment and unrolling it across the desktop, revealing something that looked suspiciously like a rough layout of the interior of Gringotts. "I want to tell you my exact plan."

I groaned, sitting down. This was going to take _forever_.

---------------

I got up, yawned, and rejoiced. Dad was GONE! Gone, gone, _gone!_ I danced all the way down the hallway to the bathroom, and for once it was a dance of victory and not one of potty desire. Yessss! Then I danced down to the kitchen to breakfast, only to find a note waiting for my on the ice box.

-

"Hi Nadia! I took Severus to work with me. Hope you have something planned for today, otherwise you'll end up sitting home alone all because of me, your loving father. Bye!"

-

I stared at it, trying not to twitch.

My fucking father is never going to leave us alone. EVER.

With my mood totally ruined, I decided to cheer myself up with a Belgian waffle. For some reason, despite Severus' apparent hatred for all things muggle, he owns a Belgian waffle maker. It's rather... Mysterious, I guess. As I prepared the Belgian waffle, I started to plan my day in my head. I was going to... To... Ooh! I could finally find a proper piece of wall for Florian and Laszlo. And after that, I guess I could write. Or maybe look for some sort of... Job. And then maybe I could go shopping for clothes with Severus' money... I mean, if he's only using me for sex and the occasional orgasmic meal, I might as well suck him dry.

So, I put on some Seal, made my waffle, and dug in. Then, the owl post came. Nothing too exciting. Not until I found a letter for _me_ in the pile, at least. I didn't recognize the return address, so I was a little wary at first, but then I decided to open it up. Inside was a letter formally informing me that I had been hired to work at that apothecary Severus shops at, and that the next day would be my first on the job.

I squealed in a very high-pitched voice.

A job! No more mooching, no more being useless, no more laying around the house like a blob! Wheeee! And plus a hot guy works there!

I finished up my breakfast and, invigorated by the news, immediately went upstairs to scope out wall space. The few portraits that were actually up seemed rather curious about my activities, but none of them actually bothered to question me. I think they were just wary of me.

After about an hour I found a decent space for Florian and Laszlo; it was between a couple of nice landscapes and across the hall from a portrait of a krup, of all things, so they couldn't bother anyone in the immediate vicinity. Plus, it was at the end of a hall on the first floor that apparently leads to nowhere- hence no one ever using it.

"Guess what!" I burst into my room and whipped the sheet off the portrait. "I found a wall!"

Florian and Laszlo immediately started cheering, so I picked them up and hauled them down the stairs (with a lot of huffing and puffing) and then, with very little skill, managed to use my wand to stick them to the wall.

"That should last at least a week," I informed them, tugging on the frame and immediately refraining at the strange sucking sound that issued from it.

"Um..." Florian raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh, shut up, Grandpa." I flicked him in the face.

"Ack!" It's not like he was hurt or anything, anyway.

Laszlo started laughing, which triggered a sibling bitch fight, which in turn distracted them both enough for me to beat a hasty retreat.

I mean, sure, I like them alright. It's just that... Try having a fifteen year old boy and a five year old chatter machine living in your room. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Especially when you're getting dressed.

I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon just writing gay porn, totally disregarding the rest of my plans for the day, since they required... Moving.

Then I heard Severus come home and go into the kitchen, rummaging around (probably for saltines, the bitch) and cursing.

"Guess what!" I shrieked, bounding into the kitchen.

"What?" Severus didn't seem too interested.

"I finally got a job!"

"You did?" That certainly got his attention. "Where?"

"At the apothecary!"

"You mean the one that's run by the old lady who hits on me?"

"Yes!"

"...I hate you."

"Sweet talk me all you want, but I'm not going to stay here with you all night and day, a toy for your whims. I need to get out and make my own way in the world, you know."

Severus glared at me, his lips thinned.

"Don't worry, I get Sundays off."

Without a word, he turned back to his oh-so-predictable box of saltines. "When do you start?"

"Tomorrow." I grabbed a glass of water and sat down at the table.

"When is your next day off?"

"Dunno. Why?"

"...I might... Want to... Do something."

"I can't just spend my whole day off having sex with you," I lied, sticking my nose in the air.

He frowned, crossing his arms. "You know, I was trying to actually _ask_ you something, but I suppose you don't want to hear it," he sniped.

"Oh, fine, what is it?"

"I think we should go out. To dinner. Together."

My brain short circuited and I just stood there, drooling.

"Well?"

"On a d-d-d-d-daaaaaaate?" I asked, perfectly coherent.

"Yes, you ninny."

I made a few unintelligible noises, then jumped him like an African boll weevil. And we all know how well those little guys jump.

- - -

It was my big day, and I was already late by five minutes when I woke up. Well, a night of ravaging your lover to the point of exhaustion will do that to you.

So, I woke up and immediately knew I was late. Then, I saw the clock. "I'm late!" I shouted in Severus' ear, then kicked him a few times when I tried to disentangle myself from the sheets.

"Begone, you harpy," he mumbled and rolled over.

I pulled on the nearest set of undergarments, managed to locate my jeans, and pulled my shirt on as I was running downstairs. I sprinted to the entrance hall, grabbing my bag and yanking the front door open in one foul swoop.

"Here." Dad handed me a brush as I ran out of the house and he stepped in.

How the old fucker does that, I'll never know.

I managed to tame my hair by the time I got to the apothecary and I shoved the brush into my bag while pushing the door open with my massive behind.

"You're late."

I screamed and jumped, then whirled around to see a short, plump, round-faced woman standing at the counter and looking extremely bored.

"Nice," she commented.

"Um, sorry, I was, uh, held up." I took the few moments I was given by her bored stare to compose myself and my devil may care attitude.

"The faggot is waiting for you," she finally replied, jabbing her thumb toward a darkened hallway next to the counter that presumably led to the back of the store.

"...Thanks, I guess." I headed on in, and immediately figured out what she had meant when I ran into the shop's resident hot guy. "Um, I'm the new-"

"New recruit!" he interrupted me, running a hand through his wavy, light brown hair. "Join me up front, I need to welcome you."

"Uh..." I let him lead me back out to the counter, where we had a perfect view of the rows of tall shelves that filled the small shop.

He took a moment to fix his apron and hair, and straighten his name tag, then cleared his throat dramatically.

The girl behind the counter rolled her eyes.

"Welcome, welcome to our humble occupation!" The flamboyant pretty-boy gave a sweeping bow, indicating the entire shop. "I am the Junior Manager, Alexander Pierce. I am going to be your boss, since the old hag never comes out of the back room unless we get a customer she likes to ogle. The one thing you should know about this job is that you'll get along fine, as long as you do whatever I say. I am better than you, after all, since I am the most beautiful person in the world."

"...Um... What?" Was this guy for real?

"The word beautiful was meant for me." He flipped his hair, grooming. "You normal people are beneath me." He heaved a heavy sigh, looking extremely put upon. "I don't know why the old hag insists on hiring people so much less beautiful than I am."

"You're not being serious, are you?" I was a bit horrified by this so-called welcome, quite frankly.

"Of course I am. Can't you see how absolutely gorgeous I am?"

I just stared at him in disbelief.

"I see that you're stunned to silence by my blinding beauty. Margaret, over there behind the counter, will teach you what you need to know. Besides, you below average people should stick together."

"Whatever you say, Narcissus." I headed over to the counter before he had time to pick up on the reference.

"Welcome to Agatha's Apothecary," Margaret greeted in a rather monotonous voice. "Would you like a bag with your order?"

"I work here," I replied, sliding behind the counter.

"You'll get in trouble without a name tag." She pointed to one on her chest that said, "Hello! My name is Gina!"

"I thought your name was Margaret."

"I lead a double life."

"The new girl's name is Veronica," Alexander proclaimed, sauntering up to us and slapping a worn looking name tag down. "Wear it well." He then returned to his mysterious Junior Manager alcove.

"Nice to meet you, Veronica," Margaret said.

"My name is Nadia." I sighed, putting the name tag on. "And I'm starting to have my doubts about this place."

"It's not so bad," she replied, leaning on the counter. "You'll get used to the old hag and the beauty queen."

"Will I, truly?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm supposed to train you. This is the register. This is where you register items. This is the scale. It is where items are weighed. This is the refund box. It is where you will retrieve a cursed amulet for any customer who requests a refund. This is the counter. It is where you may place items before, during, and after purchase. Any questions?"

"Um... I guess not."

"Don't forget to tell the customers to have a good day. And if they ask where something is, send them to My Little Pony."

"Huh?"

"The Super Sexy Junior Manager," she clarified.

"What if he's not around?"

"Lie. It always works for me. And if they call the bluff, say we're out of it."

"I like your technique." I leaned on the counter, relaxing. However, it was at that time that the bell rang, signifying a customer entering the store.

"He's all yours," Margaret informed me.

I straightened up, awaiting the evil wrath of my first customer. I watched as he approached the counter in all of his sleaze-bag glory.

"Hello..." He leaned down, reading my name tag. "...Veronica. Do you have any bezoars in today?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I replied in my most polite tone.

"W-what?"

"Don't call me by my fucking name, asshole. How about you introduce yourself first? What do you think I am, some fucking mail order bride?"

"Er... Hello, my name is Ralph."

"That's better." I crossed my arms, waiting. "And?"

"And I'd like to know if you have any bezoars in."

"How the hell should I know? Why don't you go look for one, you fucking think-for-yourselfer?"

"O-okay." He backed away from the counter and very carefully exited the store.

"Nice," Margaret congratulated.

"Did you chase away a customer?" Alexander floated up, looking rather angry. "Don't tell me you're losing business for us! Do you know how much money an attitude like that could cost the apothecary?"

"But it was Ralph," Margaret reassured him.

"Oh! Good job! Sometimes having a horrifyingly ugly face can come in handy, eh?" With that, he bounced back to the Junior Manager lair.

"He's annoying," I complained.

"I suppose." She eyed the mystical den of the Junior Manager. "Nice bum, though."

"True," I agreed.

"So why did you go off on Ralph like that?"

"He called me by my name without so much as a sodding introduction and I don't like that." I think Severus' dirty mouth was starting to rub off on me.

"Yeah, I hate that, too."

"Especially since the name tags are incorrect."

"Sure are."

After that we sort of just stood around in awkward silence, waiting for a customer or something. I decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to start up a conversation. "So... Um... You know who's awesome?"

"...Who?" She didn't seem all that interested.

"Seal."

"...Seal."

"Yup. And you know he's a cancer survivor. Face cancer."

"_Face_ cancer? Where the hell did you hear something like that?"

"On one of those music channels."

"Oh."

More silence.

"Is this your first job?" Margaret suddenly blurted out.

"Ah, no. I've done some previous menial work, like fast food and such."

"Oh. You just seemed kind of young."

"I'll be nineteen in November," I offered.

"Ah, nineteen was a good year. I turned twenty-six in January."

"Capricorn?"

"Yup."

"I'm a Sagittarius."

She stared at me for a bit. "Are you serious?"

"Eh?"

"Do you actually believe in astrology?"

"Well, er... Isn't it kind of like-"

"No." She crossed her arms and glared at me. "It's not."

"But aren't you-"

"No. I'm a squib."

"Oooooh, sorry. I just thought that, you know- with the- um- right."

And that was how I very quickly found out that Margaret was the kind of person whose idea of fun is to sit down with her address book and cross out the names of people she'd lost touch with. Or maybe install weather stripping. Or to climb up to a rooftop and gun down pedestrians.

"So what do you do, aside from the apothecary thing? Or is this your career?"

"I'm a gallery artist," she sighed, not sounding very happy about it. "Mostly painting and drawing, I dabble in photography and printmaking. Hence my full-time job in the service industry."

"Not a very lucrative job, then?"

"Not unless you get a 'big break' or some such shit. For something like that, though, you'd have to be a huge knobhead with a fucking asshole for a mouth. Something along those lines, at least."

"Wow. That's graphic."

"Most artists are, these days. You don't really get any of that Norman Rockwell stuff anymore. Sort of sad, really."

"So... What _are_ artists like?" I was rather curious; I'd heard of all the stereotypes of badly dressed, melodramatic, superficial idiots.

"Exactly the way people think they are. Barely a normal person in the bunch- I'm about as average as they come. The rest are all little shits who grew up rich and think that they're God's gift to humanity."

"I've heard they all dress like homeless people, too."

"Most of them. And they pay a fortune for their bag lady clothes."

"Wow. I'm sorry you have to be a part of that."

She shrugged. "Well, it's all about to pay off. I've got a gallery showing scheduled to open at the end of August, and then I'll be able to tell everyone else to shove it. I can't wait to get a load of what the critics say. These days everything needs to be conceptual, as far as they're concerned."

"Sounds stupid."

"More like _fucking_ stupid."

"I don't approve of cursing in my store," Alexander suddenly interrupted, mysteriously emerging from the shadows. "Anyway, I was wondering if you'd seen my clipboard. You know, the one with the inventory on-" He was cut off by Margaret shoving the clipboard in question in his face.

"Knock yourself out," she told him.

"Thanks. So... Dinner break-"

"I'm on a diet."

"I'll get the grilled chicken, then."

"Add a coffee onto that."

"And you?" He turned to me, raising his eyebrows.

"Eh?" I was sort of lost at that point.

"At dinner time I get food from the cafe down the street during my break. You know, Angie's."

"Oh, I've heard of that place. Umm... I'll have grilled chicken, too. With a soda."

"Don't worry, it's my night to pay." He paused to glare at Margaret. "Unfortunately."

"Go back to your den, you beast," she replied.

"Hmph." With a little flip of his hair, he returned to the shadows from whence he came.

"Wow," I observed, rather surprised. "That was nice of him."

"He has to pay for a month because he lost a bet to me," Margaret replied.

"What kind of bet?"

"That his sister's not a virgin. Poor man's delusional when it comes to his little sister."

"Sounds sort of sweet."

"More like creepy. The girl is twenty-two."

"Oh."

"So, this is basically the job. You B.S. while you wait for a customer to come. It's usually like today: empty."

"Sounds sweet," I replied, proud of myself at having found the perfect part time job.

"I guess." She leaned her chin in her hand, and I did the same.

I had a feeling that I was going to fit in quite nicely at my new job.

- - -

I'd gotten home around midnight and gone straight to bed, since I'm not really used to working long shifts, but the next morning was heaven, because it was officially my first day off. I celebrated by relaxing, masturbating, and eating. That was really the basic structure of the day; Severus was gone doing something. Whatever. His loss!

Around midday Dad decided to drop by unannounced (I'm really starting to hate that, but according to Severus it's simply how things work).

"So what did you do today?" Dad asked me, helping himself to whatever swamp creatures were living in our cupboards. I really should clean them out.

"Nothing much. Just orgasmed three times and ate a cereal bar. You?"

"Same."

You know, sometimes it just hits me, for no particular reason at all, that Dad and I have a lot in common. I wonder why that is?

"I think I'm going to have another cereal bar."

"Get one for me, too." I sat down at the kitchen table, sniffing my fingers.

"I saw that," Dad replied. Then, with a thoughtful expression, he smelled his own fingers. "Ew."

"Just hand over the cereal bar," I sighed. I really didn't want to know where his fingers had been that he was sniffing them, too.

"Well, anyway... I think I'm going to go interrupt whatever Draco's doing and force him to shop for groceries with me."

"You guys ran out of groceries already?"

"Nope. I'm shopping for you."

"But-"

"Bye!" With that, he was gone.

I spent the next hour or so visiting with Florian and Laszlo, because I have no life. Yeah, it's pathetic. I was actually wondering whether or not Ginny was still going to follow through on her plans to invite Colin, Luna and myself to the Burrow for some fun and games. I decided to write to her as soon as I was done listening to Florian talk about something stupid, I don't know what, and then did just that.

As I was putting the last finishing touches on my letter, Severus entered the study.

"You're off?" he asked.

"I'm off," I confirmed.

"Then get ready."

"DAAAAAAAAATE!" I suddenly remembered, and flew out of my seat at his desk in the study to go prepare myself for the night of my life.

I was very excited when I was getting ready. I hardly ever have an excuse to dress up, especially an excuse that will probably get me laid. So, I got all decked out in a sophisticated outfit. I have a dress that I hardly ever wear, and I broke it out just for the occasion. It's not like a ball gown or anything... Okay, so the skirt is _sort of_ above me knees. But I kept the fingertip rule in mind, honest! And it also happens to be a halter, so _of course_ my boobs look ten times bigger. It's red, too, which is my color!

Okay, so I was getting a little more excited about the dress than the date... But only because the dress was a prelude to the date. Yeah, that's it.

"Are you ready yet?" Severus shouted from downstairs, completely ruining the mood.

"Almost!" I replied, pretty much unfazed. After all, AAAH FIRST DATE! I was practically frothing at the prospect of actually acting like a real live couple with Severus. I checked my hair in the mirror about three times, then picked out some super sexy shoes, a bag that went with my outfit, and hurried downstairs. "I'm ready!" I proclaimed.

"Finally," he groused; he was already waiting by the front door, in a robe that looked exactly like all his other robes, because all his robes look exactly the same. "Let's go."

So... We went.

Um... Yeah.

I was nervous, to be honest. It was a first date for us and, really, what exactly is a first date with a man you've already been living with supposed to be like? Well, there was only one way to find out.

The one disadvantage to walking almost everywhere is that you've got to make conversation along the way. The problem with this is, as I've found, that it is almost insurmountably difficult to have a conversation with Severus without it dissolving into an argument. Surprisingly enough, though, he was the one to extend the olive branch.

"I couldn't believe it when you came down the stairs in that." He gestured toward my outfit.

"Why not?" I, of course, was on the defensive immediately.

"I just didn't expect you to actually be wearing clothing that could be considered halfway decent by the general public." For him, this was a compliment, and a rather generous one at that.

"I see you've already begun your subtle seduction." There was only a small amount of sarcasm in my voice; I only meant it as a joke.

He frowned a bit, but made no comment. It was a sure sign that he was actually making an effort to be civil. I supposed that I owed him a compliment in return, if that were the case.

"You look rather dashing, you know." I'd meant it to be a kind of ambiguous, intriguing comment.

"Dashing?" He raised an eyebrow; I'd succeeded.

"Yes, dashing," I replied sincerely. "Like an elegant pirate captain." I thought it was a rather nice compliment.

He snorted. "I'll take that to heart."

"There's no need to get sarcastic."

"What do you expect, after calling me a pirate?"

"Where are we eating?" I changed the subject to avoid what seemed to be an argument in the works.

"Well, I originally planned to take you somewhere private, so no one would see you, but since you've dressed up-"

"Oh, haha, funny man. I'm in the mood for Italian, actually. Somewhere romantic."

"Romantic sounds good. No one will recognize you in the low light."

"You know, if you keep up the wise cracks I may actually go out of my way to embarrass you."

"And then I will never take you out again."

"Wait- You were actually planning on taking me out _again?_"

"I meant that in a completely hypothetical sense."

"You know, I think this may be the beginnings of what some may call an actual relationship."

"Think again," he grumbled sourly.

"Okay, so, Italian." I reverted back to the topic of food in an attempt to keep him from sulking or something. "Do you know any good places?"

"Of course I do," he replied indignantly. "Unlike you, _I_ am refined and-"

I interrupted him with a snort.

"What was that for?"

"Refined? _You?_ Mr. Whorebang?" I started laughing at him, which resulted in him sulking, anyway.

"You simply don't know what class _is_."

I tried my hardest to quell my laughter, and after a few minutes I finally managed to succeed. "Okay, so you're classy. I get it. So where _are_ we going?"

"Some place," he grumbled. "La Cucina Rosa or something."

"...The Pink Kitchen?" I didn't know much about the Italian language, but I knew enough to translate that.

"I don't know."

"We're going to The Pink Kitchen."

"I should have never suggested this in the first place," he snapped.

"No, no, pink is good." My attempts to soothe him, however, weren't working.

"I don't know why I even bother," he growled, sounding like my mother.

"I don't know why _your face_," I shot back in a show of great wit.

Severus didn't seem very appreciative of my wit.

"Hey, do you think they'll have bruschetta there?" I figured I'd try to change the subject back to food again. "I've been in the mood for bruschetta, lately. And artichoke."

He looked at me like he wanted to choke me. Heehee, word play.

"Or... Not." Awwwwkwaaaaard.

"There it is," he pointed out, and I was quite surprised to see how nice the place was.

The facade was all stone with vines crawling up it, some of which were blooming, and the roof was shingled with terracotta tiles. There was an overhang that sheltered some outdoor diners, most of whom were sipping iced coffee.

"Ooooh!" I exclaimed.

"Please, at least _try_ not to act like a child," he muttered as we approached the restaurant.

"Uh... Right. Got it."

We got a table out on the terrace (ooh!) right next to some grape vines, and were immediately handed menus.

Now, as a girl of delicate constitution, I usually like to keep my diet light and... Well, diet-ish. However, as a general rule, I order whatever the hell I want when I go out to eat. After all, I can't let some dietary restrictions plague me on an otherwise lovely evening. Well, maybe not exactly lovely, but... You get the picture.

So, I ordered the penne alla vodka. Of course. Severus got some rigatoni crap, I wasn't really listening to his order.

"So what did you get, some rigatoni crap?" I asked. Maybe I should have worded it a little more eloquently.

"Yes, that's exactly what I ordered," he replied sarcastically. "Rigatoni crap."

"You don't have to get all snippy with me. I was just asking you what you ordered."

"Well, you would already know what I ordered if you'd _listened_ to me ordering it!"

"Er..." The waitress interrupted our bickering, her pen poised over her little notepad. "Would you like to order any wine with that?"

"I'll just have water," I insisted; I don't drink. Even if it's delicious, delicious wine. The thing is, I'm not one for moderation, nor do I hold my drink well. Last time I had anything alcoholic I woke up underneath Uncle Kristo's couch. Although, it was rather funny to see him jump up and yelp when I crawled out. I digress, though.

"I'll have the same," Severus told her, his voice sounding rather strained. "I can't believe you don't want wine."

"I never said _you_ couldn't have any."

"But they only bring it out in bottles; I can't drink a whole bottle of wine by myself."

"Well, I don't drink. It causes me nothing but trouble."

"I'll bet you've never even _had_ anything before." He was starting to sound a little whiny.

"Oh yes I have. I've had ouzo, and I've got to say I could definitely live without it." Despite ouzo being so delicious.

"Wine and ouzo are two totally different things!"

"They're both alcohol, and that's all I care about. Besides, I'm wearing heels!"

"Excuse me," the waitress interrupted again, giving us our water.

"Thank you," I thanked while Severus glared at me. "Let's just stop fighting and try to have a civil meal together."

"I'm not sure if that's even possible." He unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap, then raised an eyebrow at me and kept it raised until I did the same. _He is such a mother!_

"It would be, if it wasn't for your grouchiness and constant sniping," I reminded him calmly.

"Oh, so it's _my_ fault." He snorted. "As usual, your vision of reality is greatly skewed."

"And as usual, you're being a huge grump. Why can't we just have a normal conversation without it dissolving into petty bickering?" I crossed my arms, frowning.

"Because it involves you speaking."

"You always have to be so snarky." I took a sip of my water. It didn't really taste that great. "I think you're just trying to mask your true feelings for me."

"You mean utter disgust?"

"I mean infatuation." I waggled my eyebrows, to boot.

"No, I think it's disgust. Especially now."

"Keep sweet-talking me, you might even be able to get a goodnight kiss."

He glared at me.

"You know, I think this is part of our charm as a couple."

"We're _not_ a couple."

I ignored him, of course. "We bicker and fight and whatnot- but really, it's only out of love."

"I'm going to pretend you never said that."

"Alright. Oh, play it cool, our food is coming."

He rolled his eyes as I tried to act like I wasn't eyeing the tray that the waitress was carrying over.

After she'd served us our dinner, we were pretty much silent. I guess we're just the kind of people who like to focus on a meal when we're eating it; you know, savor every bite. I made my best effort not to wolf down the penne alla vodka like a crazed rabid hobo. All in all, I think I did an alright job of it. I still finished before he did, though.

Well, I guess I'm just a fast eater.

I searched my mind for something to say to maybe start a conversation that wouldn't become an argument, but the only topic like that was sex. And that would be sort of inappropriate. I settled on just slight nagging. Alright, and maybe a little sex.

"You know what, Severus?"

He grunted.

"I think our relationship reached its high point back when I was constantly irritating you at school."

He stopped eating, that twitch that had been absent for oh so long returning to its rightful place in his jaw. "You aren't serious, are you?"

"I'm very serious. I mean, we had more interesting and passionate conversations back then, and now we barely even converse- and although it is nice to be having sex with you whenever I want it, I feel as though we're lacking something."

"Maybe that something is _me liking you_."

"Yeah, we are kind of missing that. Genuine affection, you know? Oh, and truffles."

"Our relationship is lacking... Truffles."

"Yes. Well, not the chocolates- I mean the mushrooms that grow underground, that only pigs can sniff out. Those kind. But I can't find any truffles anywhere!"

"...This is why we don't converse."

"And you know what else we're lacking?" I continued, just to irritate him.

"I don't _want_ to know."

"Bondage."

He looked as though he was about to speak, then stopped, his brow furrowing. "Wait... Are you serious about that?"

"Of course I am!" Might as well resort to sex. The night was heading in that direction, anyway.

"I see." He turned to wave over a waiter. "Check, please," he requested.

"You old dog," I huffed as the waiter bustled off.

"That wasn't a hint?"

"It was, but I just feel like being contrary."

"Save it for the bedroom."

We paused as the waiter returned with our check.

"You know, I don't think I should really put out on a first date," I went on, trying to be coy.

"Oh yes you should," Severus argued, fishing around in his money bag for coins.

"Well, alright, but just for you." I winked at him, too.

"Whatever." He dropped a few galleons on the table top and practically jumped out of his chair. "Alright, let's get out of here."

"My pleasure," I replied, standing very, very slowly and brushing myself off. I grabbed his elbow before he could slip away and made sure that we stayed like that the whole walk back to the manor. Ah, the perfect first date; lots of bickering, good food, and bondage.

We really should go out more often.

--- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Next chapter: Nadia confronts Nathanyel about the photographs and adjusts to her new job. Nathanyel plots to get Harry and Draco into a threesome- and to break into Gringotts. Mostly the threesome, though. Severus wonders why he doesn't just kill himself and get it over with. Remus finally gets jiggy with it.

I assure that although the plot is moving along slowly, it is also extremely convoluted. Well, that's about it.

-


	9. Life Goes On

OH MY GOD. I finished chapter nine at LAST!!! And look, it's one year to the day since I posted chapter 8. Er... Sorry. :/

ANYWAY. This chapter contains lots of the usual hijinks, along with an appearance by Uncle Kristo, because he's hot and I love him. Yaaay! I promise, I'll try to crank the next chapter out faster.

Disclaimer: This... Is... J.K.'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kicks a Persian into a pit.

-

-

Chapter 9: Life Goes On

_Loving you is easy because you're convenient._

-

-

I know that I'm avoiding an issue when I start acting like my life is _normal_. It had been two days since the big date (and nothing had changed, of course) and I was going about my business like a regular person- because I was in denial. What I really needed to focus on was what exactly went on in that creepy old house my dad grew up in.

Instead, I was making egg salad.

"...What are you doing?" Severus entered the kitchen and frowned at me.

"Making egg salad." I held up the egg for him to see.

"Why are you making egg salad?"

"Because I want egg salad."

"But why do you _want_ egg salad?"

"I'm hungry, and I'm in the mood for a salad of egg."

"You _can't_ have egg salad."

"Why not?"

"Because we're eating dinner in an hour."

"I'm hungry now, I'm eating egg salad. We'll eat dinner later."

"We can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because I want dinner in an hour. I was planning it."

"What's so important about having dinner in an hour? Is there some sort of covert operation involved? If you don't eat in an hour, a bomb will go off or something, right?"

"Haha. Listen, dinner is in one hour, so don't make egg salad."

"I'll make egg salad if I want egg salad, and I want egg salad. If you want dinner so badly in an hour, then eat dinner in an hour! I don't care, really."

"...I want you to eat with me."

"I'll sit and watch you."

"You can't just sit and watch me eat, that's weird."

"Then I'll sit and drink something! I'll nibble on a snack, something like that."

"I want you to eat dinner with me."

"I'm making egg salad."

"No."

"Yes."

"You can't."

"Yes, I can."

"I won't allow it."

"Try and stop me."

"I'm taking your egg hostage."

"No!"

"If you don't meet my demands, the egg gets it."

"Give it back!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that. All you have to do is back away from the pot, and no eggs get hurt."

"I refuse. I don't negotiate with terrorists."

"Very well. You've made your decision."

"Wait! It never did anything to you!"

"Say goodbye. Ha!"

"...What the hell are you two doing?" Draco dropped a bag of groceries onto the table. "Have you gone completely mad?"

"Draco! Get the egg!"

"...What?"

"Do it or I'll deck you!"

"Fine." He took out his wand. "_Accio egg_."

"Yes! A hostage crisis has been averted!"

"Ack," Severus grumbled. "I've been foiled."

Draco raised an eyebrow.

"I suppose I'll just go _work_, now." With a sigh, Severus stalked out of the room.

"What's wrong with Severus?" Dad walked into the kitchen with more groceries.

"His evil plan to murder my egg has been foiled," I replied, snatching the egg from Draco and dropping it into the now boiling water.

"Oh. That's nice."

"This is the last time you force me into the freakshow," Draco muttered to Dad.

"No one's _forcing_ you. You make the decision on your own."

"Sure, just like I decided to buy pretzel flavored ice cream."

"First off, they're chocolate covered pretzels. Second off, it's good."

"Right." Draco is such a girl sometimes.

"Just don't go near my egg," I warned them.

"Draco's never been near an egg before in his life," Dad replied automatically. "Oh, wait... You mean the kind you _eat_."

"Harhar," Draco sniped. "You are so funny. If you're ready to actually get something _useful_ done, then meet me at the office."

"Bye, Faggy McFaggerton," I called after him as he left.

"Are you making egg salad?" Dad asked, ignoring Draco's departure.

"Yes, and you can't have any."

"Alright, then. I've got to get back to... Work... Anyway." He paused in the doorway, smiling back at me. "I love you, darling."

"You too, Dad."

I love how my Dad just comes and goes as he pleases, as if he lives here... Still. Well, at least he forces Draco to go grocery shopping for us. He has that much going for him.

Speaking of whom, I would have to interrogate him about those photographs and the medicine and stuff... Knowing Dad, he'd either have a crazy bitch fit or just change the subject. I wasn't going to let that happen, though. I was going to back him up into a corner and _force_ it out of him!

All that was left was to figure out exactly _how_ to force it out of him. Veritaserum? No, that could be blocked with magic... So maybe some sodium pentothal. But where would I get something like that? Maybe I could draw the truth out of him with cute shoujo manga. Or... Cake or something. A stuffed animal, perhaps?

"Arrrrrgh hello!"

I jumped as the door slammed and took a moment to ponder: who, aside from Dad or Draco, would burst into the house unannounced except for inarticulate shouting? "Uncle Kristo?"

"Too right!" He swung into the kitchen, one hand solidly gripping the door frame. Then, he fell flat on his face.

"Drunk again, I see."

"Naaahhh, this is how my balance is when I'm sober!" He picked himself up, brushing off his clothes; he was dressed in a normal shirt and jeans, thank goodness.

"How did you even get here?"

"Eh," he replied vaguely. "Hey! Guess what!" And he ran out of the kitchen, returning shortly with a suitcase.

"Severus will not be happy," I informed him, a little annoyed, myself. "We just got Dad out of the house, you know!"

"True! However, you can't just turn away your uncle and Godfather during his time of need, can you?"

"What need?"

"My house burned down."

"I would ask how, except that I don't want to know."

"I got you a present!" He opened his suitcase and fished out a jar of honey. It was probably spiked with some sort of liquor.

"Thanks. How are the bees, by the way?"

"They're doing alright. They sympathize with my situation."

"I'm sure."

"They're all buzzing about what's happened."

I crossed my arms and stared at him.

"Get it? _Buzzing?_"

"Yeah. I get it."

"Hey!" Severus came stomping up from his crazy potions dungeon that he insanely has in his house and came swooping into the kitchen. "Did you move my... Mandrake... Roots?" He had caught sight of Uncle Kristo mid-sentence and was alternating his gaze between him and the suitcase.

"Nope," Uncle Kristo replied.

"There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!" I jumped in, and got a glare in response. "Uncle Kristo's house burned down."

"What the- how- This is not a halfway home! I do not run a bed and fucking breakfast!" Severus was taking it pretty well, for him.

"Don't ask him how the house burned down," I warned. "You probably don't want to know."

"I guess I'll go put my stuff upstairs," Uncle Kristo stated merrily, walking away.

Severus was extremely red.

"Calm down, now," I tried to soothe him. "You don't want to collapse or anything, now, do you?"

"Why did you let _that_ man into _my_ house!?"

"He's my godfather and he needs a place to stay! Besides, his birthday's coming up soon. I'm sure it won't take him too long to find a new house... Although, his home _was_ uninsured..."

"ARGH!" Severus dropped into a chair at the kitchen table and audibly gritted his teeth.

"It's not like I _plan_ this kind of convoluted plot."

"Stop talking like a writer and make my dinner, woman!"

"I think I'll have roast turkey tonight," I replied. "Get to work." With that, I scampered off to make sure that Uncle Kristo hadn't mistaken any of Severus' potions for liquor... Or even worse, found the liquor cabinet.

Fortunately, I found him in the guest room. And on the way there, I had come up with the brilliant plan to interrogate him about Dad. "There you are!" I exclaimed as I witnessed him unpacking about one outfit and eight bottles of assorted alcohol. "...You are a raging alcoholic with no shame whatsoever."

"Say what you will, but I pick my priorities and I stick to them- and _that_ is admirable."

"...Whatever." I watched him unpack for about a second before I was taken hold of by the need to get to the freaking point. "So what do you know about Dad's past?"

"Eh?"

"Don't you 'Eh?' me! I know you know something, so let me know what you know."

"I know you know that I know something, but I'm not going you let you know what I know because your father wouldn't want you to know what I know, or that I know that you know what I know."

"Okay, you beat me."

"What can I say? I am the master of word games."

"I'll concede to that point," I sighed, "so stop stalling and tell me about Dad's past."

He shrugged, grinning evilly. "It's a mystery."

"You are so obviously lying that you might as well be drunk," I spat out. However, the comment immediately gave me an idea as to how to get something out of Uncle Kristo.

"If you insist," he hummed, picking up a gigantic bottle of ouzo and polishing it with his sleeve.

I whipped out my wand and immediately pointed it at his alcohol stash. "Speak up or the booze gets blown to bits."

Uncle Kristo stopped polishing the ouzo as his face slowly contorted into an expression of complete and utter horror. "You wouldn't," he gasped. "You _couldn't_." He immediately cradled the ouzo close to his chest, his eyes darting back and forth between my wand and the rest of his bottles.

"You know I will," I replied. "Don't you remember when I used to pour it down the sink?"

"Yeah, you little brat," he grumbled, starting to look pissed off; that's always a sure sign that he's about to give in to me. He always buckles eventually. "This stuff is expensive, you know!"

"It isn't as valuable as knowledge." I put my free hand on my hip, waiting.

"Fine! Put the wand down and I'll talk."

I tucked the wand into my belt, just in case I needed to take it out again, then sat down on the bed, just in case I fell over or fainted or something.

Uncle Kristo scratched his chin, looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "Well, I'm not sure where to start, now."

I put my hand on the handle of my wand.

"I suppose you can choose where to start from," he rushed out.

"I don't know, wherever."

"Then I'll start with how I met your dad."

Well, that's weird; I'd never heard that story before. "Really? How?"

"Well, you know that your parents met at the zoo, since Miriam used to take Roula and me there all the time, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, as it turned out, Nathanyel had been keeping an eye on Miriam for quite some time before they actually met." He shook his head, looking sort of amused. "One day, just out of the blue, he introduced himself to me and bought me a popsicle in order to get information about Miriam."

"Just like that?" I raised my eyebrows, stunned at how forward Dad had been.

"Yeah, I thought he was a pretty big asshole at first. But he has this habit of growing on you..."

"Alright, I have the general idea, now get to the good stuff."

"You're being awfully rude to your _Godfather, _don't you think?" Uncle Kristo huffed.

I stroked my wand lovingly.

"So, here's what I know. His dad was an asshole, his uncle disappeared, and his cousin Olivia is hot. And when I say hot, I mean _smoking_ hot, like- like dominatrix hot, you know?"

"Yes, _I know_, I know all this already!"

"And man is that woman _strong_. I'll bet she's flexible, too-"

"Shut up about Olivia!" I snapped. "You're a priest, you shouldn't be talking about people like that anyway!" I was getting a little irritated by all of his stalling and... Drooling over Dad's cousin. Ew.

"Right. So I also know that Nathanyel's got some kind of magical illness that only his uncle knows how to treat, or something like that. And he's messed up in the head. That's about it, really."

"That's it?"

Uncle Kristo shrugged. "I'm as out of the loop as you are, I suppose."

"This is just great." I got up from the bed, brushing myself off. "And I have work tomorrow, too. God, that place is boring. Do you know what I do at my job?"

"I don't know, sell your body?"

"_No_, I sit around behind the counter and talk to my coworkers. Alright, so it's easy and it pays well enough, but I always imagined myself working at a magazine or something."

"Just sell your body," he advised. "That always works. For women, at least."

"You're gross."

"You should just ask Nathanyel about his past and all, if you're so curious." He started unpacking the rest of his things, which I didn't bother to look at, because I did _not_ want to know what he had bothered to save from the fire.

"He's not going to tell me anything. You know how Dad is."

"Yeah, he's kind of an ass. I guess your only two choices are to either ask him or just figure things out on your own." He folded his only shirt and dropped it in the chest of drawers.

"I'll think about it," I sighed. "I'll leave you in peace, for now." I left to go hunt down Severus and try to placate him with sex. After all, the only things he seems to respond to are sex and food, and I wasn't in the mood to cook.

- - -

"...So if you rub this all over your body, that hideous rash will clear right up. Have a ball."

I was at work, and Margaret was taking care of an extremely annoying customer who was expecting us to diagnose his rash for him. If we were doctors, we wouldn't be working at an apothecary.

"Have a good day," Margaret apathetically told the customer.

We watched him walk out of the store, waiting until the door had completely and totally closed behind him.

"That motherfucker," Margaret huffed.

"He was soooo annoying," I whined. "I don't want to know about his rash! I don't even want to know that _you_ know about his rash!"

"I just wanted to stab him in the eyes."

"Speaking of which, how's your gallery stuff going?"

"Oh, it's all a huge pain in the ass, as usual."

I love Margaret; she never has anything positive to say about anyone or anything. It's so entertaining.

"I can't get a response from the gallery about _any_ of their restrictions or rules, and I don't even know if I'm allowed to have any guests aside from a 'date.'" She even used air quotes for the word "date."

"Who says you have to have a date?"

"My bene-fucking-factor, _that's_ who. And of _course_ I have to do everything the bastard says because he's the one who got me the gallery opening in the first place. God, what a jackhole."

"Wait, just some random guy got you a gallery opening? Eh?" I was confused; I don't really understand how the art world works.

"Not just _some guy_, he's... He's..." She paused for a moment, staring out into space. "Alright, so you might be able to say that he's just 'some guy,' but he was actually my model for most of the stuff in the gallery show."

"Well, if you don't really have a relationship with him, then what's the deal?"

"I met him when I worked in a grocery store. He used to shop there a lot." She shrugged. "He just turned out to be some weird rich guy with really good connections."

"Well you lucked out, then, I guess."

"I _guess_." She leaned her head in her hand, frowning. "I don't really like him all that much, though."

"Isn't that how it always goes," I sighed.

"Margaret!" Alexander came prancing out of his enchanted junior manager forest.

"What." She always seemed to get into a slightly worse mood whenever Alexander decided to be around us, but from what I could tell, they got along rather well.

"I... I..." He polished his nails on the front of his shirt, trying to look nonchalant. "I lost the inventory."

"...You _lost_ the _whole _inventory?"

"What's the big deal?" I foolishly asked.

"We'll have to do the whole fucking thing all over again, that's what!" Margaret snapped. "How do you lose a freakin' inventory?"

"I put it down on my desk, and then when I tried to find it again it was gone!" Then, to my utter surprise, Alexander dropped to his knees, clutching the countertop. "You have to help me find it."

"Why do I _have_ to help you?"

"Because I'm in trouble and I pay you way too much." He inched right up to the edge of the countertop, resting his nose on it and staring up at Margaret with big puppy dog eyes. "Nadia can watch the front. It has to be _somewhere_ in the office."

"No," she grumbled, crossing her arms.

"Please, please, please! I _need_ to find that inventory before anyone else finds out! I can't let the manager find out, and I _can't_ let the owner find out! Pleeeease, I'll be sacked!"

"It's your own fault."

"Oh, don't be so cold, Margaret." I thought some more verbal nudging would be in order. "The fairy needs your help!"

"I'm going to ignore that comment, since you are taking my side," Alexander sniffed. "Come on, Margaret, what'll happen to _you_ if I get sacked? You'll probably get a pay cut, and then you'll have to work for some big ugly bitter middle-aged woman who tortures you to make her feel better about the fact that all she amounted to in life was a junior manager at a run-down little apothecary like this one." He paused for affect. "Although it _is_ a pretty cute establishment."

"Fine," she caved in. "But only because you brought my salary into question. Nadia, watch the front."

I saluted. "Can do, bosses."

And so Margaret slumped off to the evil lair of the junior manager.

And she slumped back approximately thirty seconds later. "I can't believe you were _sitting_ on it the _entire_ time!" Margaret sounded pretty pissed.

"How was _I_ supposed to know I was sitting on it?" Alexander argued, following her. "It's not like I look under my ass every time I lose something!"

"Well you _should_." She slid back behind the counter to join me in the tedious duties of the cashier. "You are a soul-sucking pock on the face of humanity."

"You sound like someone else I know," I told her.

"Yeah, well, good for you." She slumped forward against the counter. "Who wants to play cards?"

And so, until my shift ended at three, we played cards. And Margaret won every round.

As I walked home, I contemplated my new job; I mean, I know I tend to complain about it at times, but that's only because it's _work_, and let's face it, who really _wants_ to go to work, even if they enjoy it? Anyway, I'm glad I found a place where I can work with fairly normal people (unlike Dad and Severus) and I think I'm actually getting to be friends with them. Making new friends is pretty nice. Too bad I'm so awful at "keeping the old."

I decided to write to the old gang, let them know what was up. Maybe yell at Ginny and Luna some more for doing my dad. Mostly Ginny, I think, since it was premeditated in her case.

I was sitting out on the front porch, putting the finishing touches on a letter to Colin, when the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life... Happened.

Dad pulled up in front of the house.

In a fucking HOT PINK VESPA. That's right. I used caps.

"Fuck, no!" I exclaimed when I saw him.

"Her name is Sassy!" Dad replied.

I got up and went inside the house, locking the door behind me.

"What happened?" Severus called from the parlor.

"Don't look outside!" I replied. Of course, I knew that he would do the exact opposite of what I told him to, but I still tried to warn him. There was a short pause before I was proven right.

"ARGH!"

There were a few moments during which Dad stopped revving his pathetic motor before Severus came stomping back into the house and locked the door as many times as possible.

"Get the windows, too," I reminded him.

He practically flew to the windows.

"What's going on?" Uncle Kristo lumbered into the room with a beer in-hand and smelling like he just bathed in the stuff.

"Dad has a hot pink Vespa named Sassy, so we're taking measures to make sure that his evil does not penetrate the house," I informed him.

"Well, fuck me." And he belched.

"I think we should have thrown you out there before we started locking the doors and windows."

"Hey, I'm not _drunk_... Your _mom's_ drunk." He finished off his bottle, then put it on the table next to the staircase and stuck some flowers in it.

"Where did you get flowers?"

"I was picking them in the back yard."

"My garden!!" Severus practically wailed, rushing out to the back of the house.

"It's times like these when I feel like the man of the house." I sighed, crossing my arms.

Uncle Kristo belched again.

"Alright, I guess _you_ could be the man of the house," I conceded. "But then again, you shouldn't count because you're constantly drunk."

"What_ever_, man, I'm gonna go piss somewhere..." Uncle Kristo ambled off to go... Well, piss somewhere, I guess.

Who cares, it's Severus' fucking house anyway. "Don't piss in my room!"

"Yeah, I'll piss in your room!" he called back from what sounded like the basement. "Oops!" And then he probably fell down the basement stairs; at least, that's what I surmised from the successive thudding.

Why did Mum and Dad let him watch me, _ever_, when I was a child? "You're drunk! Go sleep it off!"

"What_ever_, MAN!"

"Nadiaaaaa!" Dad was whining from outside the house. "Why is the door locked?"

"Go fuck yourself, Dad!"

"I don't wanna!"

"Then why don't you go fuck my _friends_ again!?" I kicked the door as hard as I could, then went to hole myself up in the study where I wouldn't be able to hear Dad's piteous wails or Uncle Kristo's drunkness _or_ Severus' stupid whining about his _flower garden_. What the hell? What kind of grown man has a flower garden, anyway? "He cares more about his damn tulips than he does about _me_," I groused to my typewriter.

"What_ever,_ man!"

"Get out of the study, Uncle Kristo!" I threw an ink ribbon at his head and he retreated, grumbling something under his breath. "This is officially the worst day ever, and if I hear another word from ANYONE I'll kill them!"

For once, I was greeted by silence.

"_Thank you_." Now I know how Severus must have felt when I stabbed him in the ass with those scissors. Heh, talk about a pain in the ass... Literally! Wow, I love cheesy jokes like that.

I was getting pretty far in my writing when I heard Uncle Kristo shouting like he'd just been stabbed, so I irritably got up from my task, walked into the kitchen only to find that Dad had made it inside the house anyway, and witnessed... The Owl Post being delivered.

"It's alright," Dad was explaining to my drunken uncle, "they deliver mail."

Once the owls had sufficiently startled Uncle Kristo and flown out the window, I walked over to the pile and actually found a letter for me. It was from... RON WEASLEY!!! I hadn't talked to Ron in a LONG freaking time, so I knew that this letter must be about something pretty monumental. Ah, I still remember when I first met the hoard of Weasley children- my dad used to babysit them. It was so long ago!

"OH MY GOD!!" I yelled when I opened the letter; it was an invitation to Ron and Hermione Granger's engagement party, along with permission to bring one guest and a note from Ginny. She was coming back with Charlie for the party, and wanted me and the others to sleep over at the Burrow. "Hey Dad!"

"I got an invitation, too!" he squealed, jumping up an down.

I stared at him. "Dad, are you... Um... Gay?"

"What? No! Nooooo. I'm, um, _dangerously_ straight!"

"...What the hell was that?"

"I saw it in a shampoo commercial."

"You are the gayest straight man _ever_." I slapped my invitation back down on the table. "This is great! Ooh, I'm bringing Severus, who are you bringing?"

"I'm thinking Draco," Dad replied, grinning deviously. "Nothing livens up a party full of Gryffindors like a few Slytherins, eh?"

"Not a single one of us are in school anymore, Dad," I sighed. "I can't believe so many people still keep the Hogwarts houses mentality their whole lives."

"Well excuuuuuuse me, _Princess_," Dad replied.

"I guess stirring up the party wouldn't be too bad, as long as you and Draco don't go overboard."

"You have my word!"

I snorted derisively. "And I'm sure you'll stick to it like glue."

Dad pouted. "You know, you don't have to be so sarcastic with me. I've missed you terribly, all alone in my apartment!"

Uncle Kristo belched.

"Dad... You live with Remus. And he's probably around _all the time_."

"I know," Dad sniffled, "but he's not my daughter."

"Thank God for that," Severus grumbled as he entered the room. "And why must everyone convene in my kitchen? This isn't a sanctuary for dolts, you know."

"You're right," Uncle Kristo replied, "I really should be drinking, instead." With that, he walked away.

"I want that man out of my house as soon as humanly possible," Severus growled at us.

"Not to worry," Dad replied calmly, "his birthday is in three days."

"Shit!" I exclaimed. "I need to buy a present!" It's a good thing Dad reminded me. I ran out of the house with barely another word and began patrolling the streets of Hogsmeade. Perfect gift, here I come!

--- ---

"Nathanyel, why are you here?" I watched his wretched offspring run out of my house with an acute sense of relief.

"Well, I just thought that, since we're planning on such a big caper-"

I interrupted him with a snort. "You had better be pulling your own weight."

"Oh, believe me, I am. I've spent the last year milking my many connections for all they're worth and developing some pretty nasty magic to get us through Gringotts. From you, I just need a few potions." He produced a list from seemingly nowhere.

"I believe I can manage this," I replied, tucking it away into my robes.

"Excellent. Let's go find Kristo and have some booze before he drinks it all!"

We found him in _my_ study, drinking _my_ brandy.

"Hey, Kristo, already started the party without us?" Nathanyel grabbed the bottle from him and started pouring out glasses.

"So," Kristo gave me a bit of a scrutinizing look as Nathanyel handed him his portion, raising his eyebrows. "Banging her like a tambourine, then, are you?"

"Oh, yes," Nathanyel answered for me. "All the time. They used to keep me up all night, back when I lived here." His tone was completely casual as he handed me some brandy.

"I see," Kristo answered. "Good show!" He gave me a punch on the arm that hurt much more than it was supposed to. "Lucky goat. All I've got to keep me company is a magazine and my hand." He sipped his brandy, then continued. "But, it goes with the priesthood and such. Too bad, really... I should convert and become a reverend, get myself some action." He leaned back, grinning. "Not that I'm a virgin, of course."

"Oh, Kristo, stop complaining," Nathanyel sighed playfully. "If you were really so eager to get laid you wouldn't have become a priest in the first place."

"Well, it builds up after a few years," he argued. "And what about you, eh?" he asked, turning to me. "Awfully quiet, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Apparently not in bed, though."

"Apparently not," I answered stiffly.

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those horny prudes?"

I sincerely wanted to splash my drink in his face, but resisted the urge with all my might. "No, I am _not_. I simply do not like Nathanyel, of all people, discussing my sex life with others."

"Understandable," he agreed, leaning back in his seat.

"Well, I'd better be off to work!" Nathanyel exclaimed, gulping down his liquor and running out of the room. "Toodle-oo!"

"I suppose I had better start dinner, then," I grumbled, heading for the kitchen. This really was _not_ what I'd had in mind for my afternoon, but I suppose it's better than spending it having to put up with the shrew flitting constantly about.

Upon inspection of the kitchen, I found that it was, for once, stocked with all the supplies I needed. The dinner preparations were boring, uneventful, and other adjectives of that nature. However, when the beast walked in with her equally abhorrent father, along with Draco Malfoy, I wished that things could have remained quiet and uneventful.

"Uncle Kristo, DINNER!!" the skrewt shouted.

"How kind of you to join us, Draco," Nathanyel crooned, bouncing into the dining room and conjuring up place settings.

"What part of 'you no longer live here' don't you understand?" I shot after him.

"Remus is joining in as well!" he replied happily.

"Did someone say my name?" Lupin entered the kitchen, holding a bakery box. "I brought dessert, I would have felt like too much of a mooch if I hadn't."

"Well, I'd appreciate the gesture more if my house wasn't filled with morons," I replied sharply, bringing the food out to the dining room table.

Kristo was sitting at the head of the table, looking like he'd just shat out gold. "This looks just marvelous!" he exclaimed, digging in before it even touched the table.

"Everyone sit down!" the hag screeched, joining us at the table. "So how was your afternoon?"

"Horrific," I replied, taking solace in my dinner plate.

"I think I need a trim," Draco was saying to Lupin, "I've got so many split ends, I must look like _this_ mess, over here." He pointed toward the harpy as he spoke.

"You say that," she replied through mouthfuls of food, "but I think everyone here knows which one of us has the bigger balls."

"That would be me," Kristo piped up. "Kristophoros Angelis, Ball Master!"

"Oh please," Nathanyel sighed merrily.

Of course I knew what his ulterior motive was for our huge dinner party. He'd brought Draco over to discuss our new venture, while Lupin would unwittingly act as a decoy to Kristo and the monster. Unfortunately, these plans didn't seem to work out quite so well, because after our meal the manticore enlisted Draco's help in cleaning up the kitchen.

"But I'm a _Malfoy,_" he whined, "I have servants do this kind of thing!"

While the others were distracted, Nathanyel looking in my direction, wearing the expression he gets on his face when he wants to tell me something totally disgusting and inappropriate. "Severus," he began, but I walked out of the kitchen before he could start in. "Hey!"

I continued walking upstairs, heading for my room. Hopefully, I'd be able to lock him out.

"Severus, I need to talk to you!"

I slammed the door in his face, but he managed to push it open and squeeze through, anyway. "Fine!" I snapped. "What is it?"

He immediately adopted a sheepish look and sat down on my bed, swinging his feet back and forth. "I was bad."

Oh. Dear. God.

"Get out of my house," I ordered immediately.

"But I didn't tell you what I did yet!"

"I don't need to know!"

"I'm gonna tell you anyway," he replied with an indignant sniff. "I seduced Remus."

Thankfully, I managed not to vomit on the new carpeting. "Please don't tell me these things."

"Well, we didn't actually _fuck_, because... You know..." He blushed, AUGH. "I was shy."

"You are, and always will be, _disgusting!_"

"But we touched and stuff."

"Shut up!"

"And then we cuddled and slept together." And he sighed. Dreamily. Ew.

"You are the grossest, most nauseating _creature_ on the face of this planet."

"Oh, come on, Severus, I didn't go into _that_ much detail."

"I thought you wanted to talk about Gringotts, not your incredibly homosexual love life!"

"Well, I wanted to talk about both," he sighed, fiddling with the bed curtains. "Do you think it's really a good idea for me to be living with Remus?"

"Perhaps you should have asked for my opinion _before_ moving in with the mangy sex fiend," I snapped. I wondered how well Lupin would fare against Nathanyel's antics _this_ time around.

"Don't be such a sour Sally." Nathanyel bounced on my bed, looking thoughtful. "I think Uncle Laszlo's treatment worked, by the way."

"Good; the sooner you get back to normal, the better. Your insolent spawn is getting curious." Although, at least that meant that she was more inclined to bother Nathanyel than me.

"Don't you worry about a thing. Anyway, we'd best go get Draco if we're going to have a proper discussion." He skipped off, utterly oblivious to the suffering he causes me in my every day life.

--- ---

Dad had dragged Severus and Draco off for some sort of private discussion after dinner, which left me with a relatively sober Uncle Kristo and Remus to entertain. I had actually been hoping to spend a bit more time with Draco, but no such luck, I suppose.

"So, any progress with Nathanyel yet?" Remus asked, presumably referring to Dad's horrific and mysterious past.

"Nah," I sighed, jabbing a thumb in Uncle Kristo's direction. "_This_ one was no help at all."

"Hey, I was _some_ help!" he protested, huffing indignantly.

"Yeah, sure you were." I looked around the parlor, trying to think of something to do. "Ummm... Who wants to play gobstones?"

My life is _so_ exciting.

- - -

I had work the next day, so I expounded my troubles with Dad upon Margaret. "I just need to get him alone for _five minutes_ so that I can drill him properly," I sighed. "And not chicken out. You know, last time I tried to go snooping around in his past, he nearly killed me."

"Well, not that I condone any of this," Margaret replied casually, "but if you're so interested and you don't think he's going to want to tell you anything, why don't you just gather more evidence?"

"From whom?" I shot back.

"Oh, I dunno, maybe your dad's mysterious uncle who appeared out of nowhere, or your dad's cousin who's known him all his life, or maybe you could just go back to that house he grew up in. You know, the one that you have unrestricted access to?"

"Well it sounds simple when you put it _that_ way," I grumbled.

"I know, doesn't it?" She tapped her fingers on the countertop, looking slightly irritated. "So... I wonder what the hell it is that Alexander is doing back there?"

"That is an excellent question," I replied as the bell to the front door rang, signaling an undoubtedly irritating customer's arrival. I straightened up, only to see Severus standing in front of me, looking extremely disgruntled. "Hello, Sexy Pleasure Slave. How may I help you?"

Severus growled at me, while Margaret merely raised her eyebrows.

"I have a large order of wolfsbane on reserve," he practically snarled at me. "I would like to retrieve it."

"Ah, but everything has its price," I replied, waggling my finger in his face.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Before you can get past me, you must first answer these riddles three!" I cried gleefully in my best creepy old lady voice.

"Just give me my damned wolfsbane!"

"Here is the first riddle: what must be turned off to be used and turned on to be put away?"

"I want to see your manager!"

"Time is quickly running out," I informed him.

"What's going on out here?" Alexander emerged from his vampiric coffin, looking angry with me, as usual.

"This lunatic refuses to give me my wolfsbane!" Severus seethed.

"But he won't answer my riddles!" I protested.

Alexander glared at me. "Your riddles?" he repeated.

"Yes. Before he can get past me, he must first answer these riddles three. The first riddle-"

"Just give this man his wolfsbane! And stop scaring away the customers!"

"Relax," I replied, brushing his anger off like dust. "I wouldn't do this kind of thing to a regular customer."

"Professor Snape _is_ a regular customer!"

"I didn't know you knew my _lover_," I marveled, satisfied at the shocked expression the statement brought to his face.

"What?"

"You didn't know? I live with Severus and we make mad passionate love all over the house. Then I come here for work." I winked at Severus. "Isn't that right, my Lovely Delicious Sparkle Whore?"

"I have no idea what this psychopath is talking about," Severus grumbled.

"I was thinking of making lamb for dinner, tonight."

"Lamb?" I could see the lustful gleam in his eye.

"With extra dark gravy."

"Never mind," he dismissed Alexander. "I have no formal complaints to issue."

"Un-beautiful people are so weird," Alexander muttered as he stalked away.

"So your wolfsbane is on reserve under Snape?"

"Yes."

"What was the date of the reserve?"

"I don't know. It was last Tuesday."

"You're a goat." I ventured into the back room to retrieve the wolfsbane, while Margaret calmly listened to the entire exchange. "I have returned! The order is twenty galleons, you rich bastard."

"Here." He dropped his entire moneybag on the counter.

"I have to count this first," I reminded him.

"Why do you need to count it?"

"Because you're illiterate and you don't know how to count."

"I most certainly _do_ know how to read and count!"

"Whatever you say, honey." I counted out the money, then rung up his order. "Do you have a membership card?"

"Yes."

"You get ten percent off your next order. Congratulations."

"I'm thrilled."

"Now get the hell out of here, you dirty pedophile."

"I'll go buy the lamb." He rushed out of the apothecary like his ass was on fire, which I wouldn't be surprised by, seeing as it's so HOT.

"I can't believe you're doing Professor Snape," Margaret informed me, sounding disgusted. "You actually _live_ with the man? And _do_ him?"

"Of course!" I grinned wildly at her. "It's simply a dream come true!"

"He doesn't constantly yell and snipe at you, act like a grandma, and treat you like your opinion matters so little that you shouldn't even have vocal chords with which to voice them?" Wow, Margaret really knows how to analyze a situation, separate out all the bad things about it, and throw them back in your face, doesn't she?

"Well, yeah, but... He's... Sexy?" I can't really think of many good points about Severus that don't have to do with his rump or his sexiness.

Margaret made a face. "Whatever floats your boat, I guess."

"Hey, he can be nice... I think... Well, for him. Sometimes." I tried to think of some way to justify my wild, passionate love for Severus. "He's smart! And he gardens." I nodded vigorously.

"My, what a catch he must be," she droned monotonously.

I was getting a little annoyed by her negativity. You know, I think what Margaret really needs is to just get laid or get a date or _something_. "When's the last time you even had a date?"

"I can't be bothered to fecking remember," she groused. "Two years ago? Or a year an a half? Whatever."

I stared at her, dumbfounded. I'd never met someone who was so apathetic about her love life.

"Men are scum," she spat, when she caught sight of my expression. "If I never get another date in my life, it'll be too soon. You know what the last two guys I dated were like? Assholes. One called me fat and the other cheated on me. And you know who the last person I _fancied_ was?"

I shook my head, surprised by her tirade.

"MY GAY ASS BENEFACTOR. You know, the guy who got me my gallery opening? Bastard."

"Um, but wouldn't that be considered a... _Nice_ gesture?"

"He a dumbass," she growled. "And he likes to collect favors from people. You know, 'you rub my back and I'll rub yours?' Says I'll know what he wants from me when the time is right."

"Ouch," I replied.

"That short, empty-headed, blond piece of shit." She seemed to be winding down.

"You know," I commented, "that's quite the coincidence. My dad is a short, empty-headed blond piece of shit!"

She snorted, and I grinned, glad to have cheered her up a bit. "I'm sure he's not as bad as this guy."

"You never know." I was starting to get some ideas about restoring Margaret's faith in the male species. I waited a few minutes to let her get her mind of the wretchedness of man and change the subject, then I struck. "Hey, Margaret, you know what?" I said idly, masking my devious intent.

"What?" She was already looking suspicious.

"I think that I should set you up with a date for your gallery opening."

"NO." She glared at me like Severus does when I suggest he incorporates color into his wardrobe. "If you even _think_ about setting me up with one of your pureblood, old as shit gay men then I'll lob your head off."

"Hey, not everyone I know is an old gay man!" I replied. "And not everyone I know is pureblood, either!"

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed. "I still refuse to allow you to set me up."

"I'm going to an engagement party soon, I'll be able to scout the crowd for someone suitable," I replied.

"Are you deaf?"

"Then it's settled! I won't let you down!"

"Ugh," she grumbled.

"What are you doing out here?" Alexander had wandered back onto the scene, unwittingly entering the fray.

"I'm trying to set Margaret up with a date for her gallery opening," I told him in my most cheerful tone.

"Ugh," Margaret repeated.

"Good luck," he scoffed, examining his fingernails. "Although, I'd be willing to step up as a last resort, if you're really that pathetic. My schedule is pretty busy, so I can't make any promises, but I suppose it could be my good deed of the week or something."

Margaret and I stared at him for a bit, obviously both thinking along the same lines.

"Hahaha, good one!" I exclaimed. "Yeah, like we'd ever consider _you_."

"Hey!" Alexander yanked his arms back down to his side, glaring at us. "I am a _catch_."

"Oh, come on, Nadia," Margaret sighed, grinning. "Maybe we should take him on as a last resort. You know, so as not to hurt his fragile little feelings."

"I see what you're getting at!" Alexander snapped; was he blushing? "I'm not to be included in the _girl_ talk and all, right?" He _was_ blushing. "I see how it is!" he huffed, heading back towards his junior manager nest. "No time for me now that you've got your girly pow-wows..."

"I didn't think he'd get so worked up over it," I admitted once he'd left. His reaction had been pretty suspicious, in my opinion, _especially_ with that blush. I'd have to keep a closer eye on him.

"You know how vain the twit is," Margaret dismissed.

I sighed, shaking my head. Soon I will teach her the ways of love!

- - -

I got out of work a little late, and so was _trying_ to hurry on my way home so I'd have enough time to cook dinner, but, unfortunately, my life is not that easy. I had decided to take the main street, which I usually avoid because of the crowds; however, it's the quickest way back to the house. Too bad that, you know, my father exists.

"Dad... Why are you wearing a dress?"

"Ginny and I are going to break up very publicly," he informed me, adjusting his skirt.

"Alright, people are starting to look," Ginny cut in, materializing from out of the crowd and shoving Dad a little.

"You hussy!" Dad suddenly shouted, pointing an accusing finger at her. "You never loved me for myself! You only wanted me for _this!_"

I covered my eyes just in time as Dad pulled the skirt of his dress up, exposing himself to the many people milling around.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE ME RIGHT HERE AND COMPLETELY FULFILL MY SHAME!?"

"I can..." Ginny trailed off, glancing down at the palm of her hand. "...No longer see you... Like this... You are..." She paused, squinting. "A napalm? No! Appalling! You are appalling! I wish to throw you to the curb like hash- er- trash! I am... A shanty? No! I am ashamed to be seen with you!"

I had reopened my eyes by then, which meant that I was able to witness Ginny's horrible acting and Dad's... Disgustingness. I watched as Ginny whirled around dramatically and stormed off, while Dad ran in the opposite direction, sobbing loudly.

"This dress makes me look fat, doesn't it!?" he shouted hoarsely as he galloped off into the sunset.

I took that time to wonder why I had to be born into such a horrific family. Then I walked after Ginny, only to find her hitting on that guy who sells fruits one street over. "Shouldn't you be preparing for your thorny bush taming internship?"

"Nadia!" she exclaimed, pushing the fruit guy aside. "I thought you were working!"

"I witnessed the horrific display you and my dad put on," I grimaced.

"Yeah, my family was getting a bit stressed. Please tell me you're showing up to Ron's engagement party, though! I'm leaving the end of this week with Charlie for Romania and I want to see you, and Colin and Luna, too!"

"You can bet on it," I assured her. "And I'm bringing Severus, too!"

She groaned. "Oh, no. Ron'll flip."

"Not as much as he'll flip over my dad bringing Draco Malfoy."

"You're both a horrible pair of upstarts!" she sighed. "Well, at least it'll make the party interesting."

"Well, _obviously_. I've got to go make a lamb, now, though... So I'll see you later!"

"Right, bye!"

I decided to make my dinner especially delicious, so that I could placate Severus into agreeing to go to the party. And maybe I'd put out, too. Better get your raincoat on, Severus, because Hurricane Nadia's coming to town!

--- ---

It was an incredible relief when that wretched girl had left for work, although I knew I'd have to stop there for potions ingredients later in the day. First, though, I'd have to visit Nathanyel. After all, what we're planning isn't exactly improvised.

"Sev'rus, my man!" Kristo shouted, drunkenly stumbling into my personal quarters.

If he is not gone from my house by the end of the week I will destroy him, to put it lightly. "What the hell do you want from me, you drunken ape?"

"Let's hang out!" he insisted, an entire bottle of cheap vodka in his hand; I took note of its half-empty state.

"I would not 'hang out' with you if Albus Dumbledore himself requested it on his death bed!" I thought that my reply would make my feelings on the subject fairly clear, but apparently not.

"Aww, come on, Sev, loosen up!" He shook the bottle a bit, swishing the pungent stuff around and taking a swig. "There must be _something_ fun that you like to do!"

I stood and thought for a moment. "Actually, there is. Why don't you come over to this window with me, and I'll show you."

"Sweet! What're we gonna- AUGH!"

Hey, he landed in the tree outside my window. It's not like I pushed the man a full two stories.

"Radical!" he exclaimed, drinking from the bottle he had miraculously held onto. He didn't seem injured, unfortunately.

After that, I made quick work of gathering my things and leaving the house.

"So long!" Kristo shouted, waving to me from the tree.

I ignored him and kept walking. Perhaps he could strike up a conversation with that freak on the pennyfarthing bicycle. By the time I made it to the apartment building, I had forgotten mostly about everything that was going wrong with my summer and instead focused entirely on my hope for the future. However, that was soon dashed as well.

I walked into the apartment and screamed. "ARGH!"

Nathanyel was having sex, IN THE KITCHEN, and I had been subjected to the horrors.

"Maybe you should knock next time!" Draco's voice followed me as I exited the apartment and slammed the door behind me.

"What happened?" That was Potter. EW.

After a short pause, Nathanyel swung the door open, looking slightly irate. "What is so damn important that you had to interrupt my very first threesome?"

"You asked me to come!" I huffed, feeling extremely queasy.

Nathanyel waggled his eyebrows, so I hit him.

"What the hell was all that, anyway?"

"Well, I've been trying to talk them into it for a while, but now that they both live here-"

"Wait. What?"

"Harry and Draco both conveniently lost their apartments at the same time, forcing them to seek refuge with the two most probable people- Remus and myself- and as a result they live here and were easily convinced to participate in the activities you just witnessed." He finished it off with a smack of his lips and a grin.

"You are horrible," I replied.

"What?"

"You went behind their backs and made them lose their apartments just because you wanted a threesome," I clarified.

"You make it sound like _I_ was the one who kicked them out!" He sounded slightly hurt, but I knew he was faking it. "I mean, I only encouraged young Ronald to propose to the woman he loved, and you know, ask her to move in with him. I mean, if Harry had to leave to make room for Miss Granger, what is that compared to true love?"

I rolled my eyes.

"And Draco was already four months behind on his rent. It didn't really take much effort."

"You are the worst person on the face of the planet."

"Maybe, but I was invited to the engagement party. Well, more like _we_ were invited."

I immediately grimaced. "Why _me?_"

"Well, Nadia's invited, actually- but she needs a date, you know." He grinned and elbowed me a couple of times.

"Ew. Don't touch me. And you know what else? I wouldn't go on another outing with your atrocity of a daughter if you _paid_ me."

"I think that would really depend on how much I offered, don't you?"

"Stop trying to whore your daughter out to me!"

"Oh, just shut up and come inside already," he sighed, stepping back into his little bungalow of horrors.

Luckily enough, Potter and Draco had gotten dressed by the time I re-entered Nathanyel's disgusting gay home. "Well, what are you two looking at?" I snapped.

Draco shrugged. "Just thought it would have been polite to knock."

I scowled back at him, while Potter shook his head. "And what are you doing here, anyway, Potter? Don't you have your dead Godfather's house to go back to?"

"It's not exactly in working order," Potter replied defensively; he was probably thinking about taking his wand out, the pathetic leech on society.

"That's enough of that," Nathanyel cut in. "Harry, don't you have some great surprise for Ronald that you were going to plan out with Remus at about this time, hm?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Glaring at me the entire way, Potter left the apartment.

"Thank you, Nathanyel." I think that was the first time I'd had any reason to use that phrase for quite a while.

"Don't thank me now," he replied, throwing an arm around Draco's shoulders and grinning menacingly. "Thank me when we're all fifty-thousand galleons richer."

--- ---

"Uncle Kristo, what kind of cake do you want for your birthday?"

Uncle Kristo looked up at me from the thick tome he was studying, his brow furrowed. "Wow, it's my birthday, already?"

"Of course it is!" I crossed my arms, giving him a very stern glare. "You've been drinking far too much for your own good."

"Oh, pfft," he dismissed, waving it off. "You know, your boyfriend's study is an excellent place to... Um... Well, study." He weakly indicated the book he'd been reading.

"Right. Well, what kind of cake should I bake for you for tonight?"

"Rum cake!" he exclaimed, smacking his lips.

"You're a horrible lush," I grumbled.

"That's no way to treat the birthday boy!"

"You only know it's your birthday because I told you about it!" I stomped off to start on Uncle Kristo's birthday cake. After all, it's still his birthday.

"Helloooooo dears!" Dad shouted, bursting into the kitchen and placing a large manilla envelope onto the table.

"What's that?" I asked, eyeing it as I cracked some eggs into a bowl.

"It's Uncle Kristo's birthday present," he replied. "Which is _so_ much better than yours."

"Put it in the parlor, you harlot, I've got dinner to cook and a cake to bake and I don't need you leaving crap all over the place for me to try to work around."

"Sheesh, fine. I can take a hint." Dad snatched the envelope from the table and skulked off. "Happy Birthday, Kristo!" I heard him exclaiming a minute later.

"Mark my words," Severus growled as he descended the staircase and glared at me through the kitchen entrance. "Your uncle will be gone from this house the moment dessert is over!"

"Well, good morning to you, too, sleepyhead," I replied.

"I want an early dinner today!" he insisted, obviously dying to kick Uncle Kristo out. "Four o' clock! Do you understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, go get dressed."

Uncle Kristo walked in as Severus was leaving, for some reason in a state that was quite the opposite of what I had just indicated.

"Uncle Kristo... Get some clothes on."

"These _are_ clothes," he yawned, indicating his shorts.

"No, they are not. Nobody wants to see your badass religious tattoos, and nobody wants to see your hairy Greek body. In fact, I don't even want to know why you took the clothing you were _wearing_ off. Now, get upstairs and put on some clothing."

"You don't even want to see the cross on my back?"

"No!"

"Alright..."

I spent most of the day cooking and doing some magical decorating for the occasion, and baking that infernal rum cake that Uncle Kristo was so set on. Now I can finally appreciate what Mum goes through for him, the bastid. Of course, I couldn't manage to get a single minute alone with Dad- every time I tried he would suddenly think of something he forgot to do or drag someone else into the conversation. Then, everyone practically swallowed dinner whole without a single thank you tossed my way. I, of course, forced them to clean up at wand-point. After all, I'm not _that_ tolerant. Then we all retired to the parlor for some present opening!

"Happy birthday! Woohoo!" We opened up some poppers and Dad shot fireworks out of his wand.

"Oh, how nice," Uncle Kristo exclaimed. "Where's the cake?"

"In the kitchen," Severus growled.

"Excellent!" He made a beeline for the kitchen, but I grabbed him and pulled him back.

"No," I insisted, "presents before cake. That's the tradition." I dragged him back to the sofa and we all sat down around the small heap of presents on the coffee table. He pulled a box towards him, looking at the attached card.

"Read it aloud," Dad suggested.

"Alright... 'Drink it.' Hmm." He opened the box and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "Ah, I get it! Thanks, Sev. You're the best!"

"Of course," Severus grumbled. He seemed to like the books I'd gotten him, as well, though he was already getting a lot more use out of the whiskey.

"Dad?" He'd refused to reveal his gift to anyone, and I couldn't see anything on the table that was marked as from him.

"I'll go last," Dad muttered. My excitement mounted, and, as soon as Uncle Kristo had finished opening the presents mailed from my grandparents and a few aunts and uncles, I immediately turned my attention back to Dad. "Alright, alright," he sighed, taking his sweet time. Then, he merely reached into his pocket, pulled out the manilla envelope, and handed it to Uncle Kristo. "Happy birthday." Blinking slightly, he slowly opened it and pulled out a piece of parchment, his eyebrows flying up to his hairline.

"Nathanyel... You bought me a house?" My mouth dropped open; Severus didn't look at all surprised.

"Mausoleum turned cathedral _turned_ house, actually. I thought you'd like it. The grounds are gigantic- plenty of room to stumble about drunk."

"Magical, I gather?"

"Oh, yes, very much so."

"...You're helping me out with this, right?"

"Of course! That's half the fun!"

"Well, this visit from you has been simply lovely," Severus started saying very quickly. "Why don't we all go look at this new house? Grab the luggage while you're at it."

Wow, _that_ was subtle.

"Cake first," I snapped. I ran into the kitchen, lit up the candles on the cake, and brought it back out. We all sang, yadda yadda, Uncle Kristo farted, the usual.

Then, Dad escorted Uncle Kristo to his new home while Severus and I opted to stay behind. After a huge bear hug, a couple of cheek kisses, and a whole lot of nagging from my end, Dad finally managed to get Uncle Kristo out the door. I sighed as I watched them go, then turned back to Severus.

"Our house is barren and devoid of life once again," I informed him.

He raised an eyebrow. "_Our_ house, you say?"

"Oh, you know we're practically married, anyway," I replied lightly, already planning out my seduction technique for the night.

Severus clenched his jaw, that tick of his going off at me. "You think?" he gritted out.

"Uhm..." I was getting a little worried by how pissed off he seemed at my statements of the obvious. "Well, we certainly _fight_ like a married couple." I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn't keep my laughter from fading at Severus' continued anger. "I don't _mean_ anything by it," I added.

"Of course," he snapped. "Of _course_ you don't, you twittering idiot!" With that, he stormed upstairs.

Okay... Weird...

I supposed that the outburst meant that I would be sleeping alone, _again_, so I just slunk off to the study to write some hot gay sex scenes. Seeing as _I_ certainly wasn't getting any. How can you have a physical relationship when your fella is too much of a fickle bitch to put out most of the time? I decided to vent my frustrations by mirroring the situation in my story. Except, you know, with two men.

As I wrote, I wondered why Severus had gotten so upset. I suppose it started with the "our house" comment, but honestly, what does he expect from me? I live here, too! And I was just _joking_ with the whole married comment... But he never _did_ have much of a sense of humor, at least not when it came to me. I just don't get why he always has a huge stick shoved up his ass. It's not like I actually proposed.

I stared down at the paper sticking out of my typewriter; I had probably been stuck on the same paragraph for half an hour, already. I opened the drawers to the desk, looking for a thesaurus, when I heard footsteps. I tried to ignore the sound, you know, act totally nonchalant, but I couldn't help but glance over at the entrance to the study. And keep glancing. As I watched the doorway from the corner of my eye, Severus discreetly stuck his head into the room, caught sight of me rummaging through his desk, then disappeared with an indignant huff.

I rolled my eyes. Honestly, the man could be quite immature at times.

"Ahem." He stepped through the doorway, revealing himself at last. What a surprise. "What are you doing to my desk?"

I spared him an exasperated look, continuing with my search for the thesaurus. "I'm looking for something."

"You do not have to turn my desk into a ruined mess to find it," he sniped at me, crossing his arms and tucking his hands into his robes like he does while scolding a student.

"You do not have to distract me while I'm trying to _find_ something," I retorted.

"_You_ wouldn't have to go rifling through my belongings if you kept your disgusting hobbies to yourself," he spat back.

"_You_ wouldn't have to nag me about rearranging your belongings if you kept them passably organized in the first place," I grunted, dragging open the bottom drawer of the desk and immersing my arms in it.

"_You _wouldn't have to go searching through my entire desk if you would just tell me what you were looking for," he countered.

"_I_ would have asked you if _you_ hadn't gotten angry at me for _no reason_," I finally snapped.

He let his arms fall to his sides, looking at me like _I_ was the one who had started the whole fight.

"It's a thesaurus!" I shouted, caving in. "A _thesaurus!_"

Severus actually had the poor grace to roll his eyes at me, then approached. "Well it's not in _that_ drawer."

I sat back in my seat, sulking like the sore loser I am.

Severus came to a stop just inches away from me and, establishing eye contact with me and not even daring to blink, he reached up to the shelf that was bolted into the wall over the desk and in mere moments produced a brand-new thesaurus.

I freaking _hate_ it when he gets all smug like that! Even though I like it when he's all up in my grill!

"Look at that," he hissed, presenting the thesaurus to me. "It's a thesaurus."

I couldn't help it; I mean, after _all that_ and he just- UGH. So, I did what any reasonable person in my situation would do: I slapped the thesaurus out of his hand and lunged at him.

"Oof!" was all Severus managed to get out before I kissed him as ferociously as possible. He seemed rather taken off-guard, actually. Really, after all that infuriating flirting, he didn't expect me to respond? I know, an argument like that wouldn't come across as flirtatious to a _normal_ human being, but it's as close as Severus ever gets, and I wasn't about to pass up that kind of offer.

I pulled away from Severus, panting, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Your clothes. Give them to me. _Now_." I think I did a passable Schwarzenegger impression.

"You. Are. _Insane_," he grunted as he attempted to strip with me on top of him; I wasn't about to make it easy for him.

"You don't seem to be getting into it very well," I criticized, pulling my shirt off.

"You're sitting on me," he shot back. "Your pelvic bone is digging _into_ me. It isn't comfortable." He finally managed to get his outer robes off and started undoing his belt.

"Well if you wanted to be top, all you had to do was say so," I huffed, sliding off of him. "You know, you could even be the dominant one this time, if you want." I rolled on my back and looked sideways at him.

He looked _much_ more interested. "Oh really?"

"Ya, really," I replied.

I should really play the submissive part more often; Severus was so... _Enthusiastic!_ And more than one time, no less! Well, _that_ was certainly my workout for the evening.

- - -

I awoke the next morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I really shouldn't criticize Severus for starting so many fights with me, because making up is _totally_ worth it. And we actually slept in the same bed for the first time in _forever_. He was gone in the morning, though, and when I went downstairs I found a note on the icebox saying that he was going to the Ministry and that if I tried to bring up Ron's engagement party he'd lance me through the heart. Well, _that_ sounded encouraging. Not like it would have stopped me, anyway.

I got ready for my day, which was blissfully work-free; I just had to pick up my paycheck, and then get out of there. I decided to visit Dad after procuring my paycheck, see what he was up to, maybe get a chance to drill him about his mysterious past.

However, I got a little held up upon my arrival at the apothecary. Margaret was standing at the front register, looking as bored as usual, while Alexander was restocking a shelf and talking at her.

"...And I think I'll put up some more lighting around the perimeter of the shop, and _definitely_ give the wall a new paint job, maybe even retile the floor!"

Margaret yawned.

"Hey! Are you listening to me?"

"What are you even talking about?" I asked as I approached them.

"Alexander won't shut up about what he's going to do with the apothecary 'when it's his.'" Margaret snorted, shaking her head.

"Well, it _will_."

"What makes you so sure?" I asked him.

"My grandmother owns it!" he exclaimed, jamming his hand into the back of the shelf. "Shit!"

"What is it?" Margaret raised her eyebrows, tapping her fingers on the countertop.

"I broke a nail!" Alexander cried. "This is awful!"

"You can't possibly be serious."

"Of course I'm serious, you dolt!"

"Excuse me," I interjected. "I hate to interrupt your marvelous bitch fit, but I just want to get my paycheck."

"Nadia! Watch the desk for me!"

"...What?"

"You're Junior Manager until I get my nail file! I can't stand to be unbeautiful for another second!" He threw his apron and his name tag at me, then bolted out of the apothecary.

"I'd better get paid overtime for this," I grumbled as I put the apron on. "Why am I even doing this?" I asked Margaret. "You have more experience."

"But I'm listed for register for today," she replied. "We can't go against what the records say."

"That's stupid."

"Yeah."

"Alexander is even more stupid."

"At least he's nice to look at," Margaret pointed out. "At my old job I never had any eye candy to look at. This is a refreshing change."

"I guess," I sighed. "I suppose I've become rather used to eye candy, since I live with the sexiest man on the face of the planet."

"Don't let Alexander hear you speaking such blasphemy out loud."

"What does he do when he isn't here? Make himself up or something?" I could just imagine Alexander spending hours upon hours in front of a mirror, fussing over himself.

"From what I hear, he volunteers at the local primary school and gives to the poor and stuff like that."

"...Huh?"

"Yeah. My thoughts exactly."

"You- you're joking, right?"

"Nope. Apparently he's really good with kids, or some such bollocks." She checked her nails, then pulled a file out of her pocket and started working on one. "And a family man, to boot."

"Wait- you already _had_ a nail file?" I stared at her in disbelief.

"He never asked me about it." Margaret really likes to torture people, doesn't she?

"Right... So... Alexander's got a family?" I was pretty astounded to find out that Alexander had actually come from a couple instead of congealing from a swamp full of nuclear waste as I had long suspected.

"Yup. Two parents, both magical, a little sister named Cecilia who he'll talk your ear off about if you so much as mention a related subject- so _don't-_ and an older brother he seems to hate for unknown reasons."

"Oh." This was certainly news. "How do you know all this?"

"Well, before you got hired it was just the two of us and the old manager- who's useless, anyway, and never shows her face around here- so we always got stuck doing inventory together all night."

"Steamy."

"Um. No."

"So you know all the intimate details of Alexander's life and he knows all about yours?"

"No." She blew some gross nail dust off of her file. "I'm a very secretive person, you know."

"Yeah, I'm aware."

"I don't go about parading my personal life like you do."

"Hey!"

"Of course, I also don't go around being a huge slut like you do."

"Since when am I a slut?"

Margaret just shrugged.

I swear, sometimes she can be such a pain in the ass. "Seriously, how am I a slut?"

"Oh, you know..." Her tone was _still_ casual. "The whole Snape thing."

"'The whole Snape thing?'" I repeated.

She just nodded. "Yup."

"I'll have you know that I am with Severus because I _love_ him, and for no other reason. Got that? LOVE. Lovelovelovelovelove!"

"Okay," she agreed placidly, in the way she does that means she doesn't even _care_ about your side of an argument. How does she do that? It's so infuriating!

"You're a cold-hearted bitch," I grumbled, crossing my arms.

"Am I, now?" She sounded pleased.

"I'm back!" Alexander announced, prancing back into the shop, stopping dead when he saw Margaret filing her nails. "You've had a nail file this whole time?"

"You never asked me for it," she replied coolly, polishing her filed nails on her apron. Speaking of which...

"Here." I whipped the apron off myself and handed it to Alexander. "All I need is my paycheck, then I really have to go."

"Fine, fine," Alexander grumbled, at long last retrieving my paycheck for me.

After that whole mess, I skipped off on my merry way to pay a visit to Dad and Remus' apartment. When I knocked on the door there was a muffle reply that sounded vaguely like "Come in!" So I did. I walked into the apartment to find Draco and Dad fighting like bitches at the kitchen table. Well, it was more like Draco trying to shove a glob of hair gel onto Dad's head and him resisting violently.

"What the fuck?" I voiced out loud, causing the two of them to cease their idiotic activity and look at me.

"Oh, hi," Draco greeted.

"Hullo," Dad did the same.

"What's going on?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

"Well," Dad began, finally managing to shove Draco off of him, "I was complaining to Draco that I wanted to get rid of the cowlick in my hair for the big party tomorrow, and he attacked me with hair product."

"This gel has an extra strong hold!" Draco protested, waving the stuff around. "I used to use it all the time!"

"Yeah, and you looked like your hair was plastered on," I pointed out.

"Well... That's an unfortunate side effect. Better than that stupid cowlick, though!"

I raised my eyebrows. Dad's cowlick was sort of like... His signature look, I guess. It was just always there, sitting on the back of his head. "Well, the Page cowlick _is_ the reason I don't cut my hair short," I said slowly, trying to sound like I sympathized with Draco's side of the story.

"It's not the _Pages_ who have cowlicks," Dad informed me.

"Duh!" Draco added, pointing to the back of his head.

When I looked more closely, I saw that he did indeed have a small cowlick back there.

"I usually cut it off," he informed me. "Anyway, why do you think all the Malfoys usually grow their hair out? Nobody takes you seriously with _that_ ridiculous thing on the back of your head!"

"I think you should grow it out more," I told Draco. "It looks good on you. It adds a certain care-free charm."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Embrace the legacy of the Malfoy family's difficult-to-manage tresses!"

"You know, sometimes I forget how utterly asinine you are, and then you go and remind me."

"Oh, you're such a bitch," Dad cut in, pushing him. "So what about me? Is my cowlick charming?"

"No, it's just _stupid_ on you," I replied.

"Oh." He pouted.

"Better than that crusty hair gel."

"Hey!" Draco protested.

"Don't worry about it, Dad. You can just... I don't know... Act all charming and stuff."

"Okay!" Dad replied brightly, skipping off. "I'm gonna go alphabetize my porn now!"

I turned to Draco, sharing a grimace with him. "Don't you just love these family moments we have together?"

"They're touching," he grumbled.

"What family moments?" Harry Potter asked as he came walking out of the hallway.

I stared at him.

"What?" He looked down at his ill-fitting muggle clothes, confused.

"Where the hell did _you_ come from?" I asked, trying not to sound _too_ rude.

"Um..." He motioned to the entire apartment in general. "Here."

"What?"

"I live here. So does Malfoy."

"_What?_"

"I didn't mention it?" Draco commented blithely. "Yep, we've been taking refuge here until we each find new places. I was evicted and... Well, we all know why Potter can't keep on living with that Weasley buffoon."

"Wait, so all four of you are crammed into this apartment?" I was kind of jealous, actually... As much as I complain at the time, I like having the house full of people, even if they are all my idiot friends and relatives.

"Yes," Harry replied, opening the ice box.

"Don't you _dare_ try to drink the milk out of the carton again!" Draco snapped girlishly.

Harry snorted, then drank milk from the carton. Eeeewwww.

"Great, now we have to get new milk." He glared at Harry, crossing his arms and scowling.

"Way to flirt, guys," I commented. I sat down at the table with them, glancing around at the apartment. "Where's Remus, anyway?"

"Oh, off being gay somewhere, I suspect," Dad replied casually.

"Ah." It didn't look like I was going to be getting Dad alone any time soon. So, I decided to just relax and enjoy myself. I mean, when else am I going to have time to just sit around and hang out?

...Right, never mind.

Still, it was a fun day and tomorrow's going to be even better! I hope.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter nine is OVAAAAAHHH!!!!! YES! IT IS DONE! Next chapter: The engagement party, Nadia snoops some more, and some gayness.

w00t! See you then!


	10. The Beast

A/N: That's right, I actually finished chapter 10. Maybe one day I'll finish chapter 11, as well. And then 12! Anyway, here's to another great year. Cheers!

Disclaimer: You know the drill.

---

Chapter Ten: The Beast

_It's no coincidence that "love" is a four-letter word._

---

"Good morning, sleepy-head!" I greeted Severus, bouncing on his bed.

Severus grabbed a pillow, put it on top of his head and rolled over with a low groan. He's usually quite the morning person, but I could tell that he wasn't looking forward to attending an engagement party at the Burrow. I guess I really couldn't blame him, but that didn't mean I was about to take pity on him and go it alone.

"Come on, time to get ready!" I snatched the pillow away from him and hit him in the face with it.

"Why must you constantly torture me?" he whined, pushing the covers off of himself but making no move to get out of bed.

"It won't be that bad. I mean, you seem to get along with Mr. Weasley alright, and Hermione Granger was one of your best students. Aside from me, of course," I added smugly, ignoring his snort. "And Ron Weasley... He... Well, you were both on the same side in the war."

"Your logic in such situations is, as always, indelible, Miss Page," was his adorable response.

"You _must_ be in a bad mood if you're calling me 'Miss Page.' Well, the sooner you get out of bed, the sooner I can serve you some eggs." I slapped him on the rear and left him to get dressed. I still had plenty of preparations of my own to make! I just love parties, especially when the Weasleys are involved. It's always a huge affair, and with the twins around _something's_ bound to go hilariously awry.

I was about to eat Severus' eggs for him when he finally made it to the kitchen table. He wasn't even fully dressed, had probably not showered, the big ball of grease, and looked like he'd just drank a Draught of Living Death. He better not have, I'm not going to that party alone! "I hate your cooking," he groused, sitting down at the table, picking up his fork, and prodding his fried eggs.

"I used three egg whites and one yolk," I tortured him, "since I know how sensitive your blood pressure is." Bringing up his health is always a surefire way to get to Severus, especially when it involves depriving him of food that's totally awful for him. Before I came onto the scene he probably only ate the yolks, that sick bastard.

"What a waste of eggs," he predictably replied, breaking his _one_ yolk and dipping his _whole wheat_ toast into it.

And I didn't even use real butter on it. I'm so evil. "If you'd quit complaining and just eat up, your meal would taste a whole lot better," I informed him. "And by the way, we have to meet up with Dad and his fucking ridiculous horde of roommates and freeloaders before the party." I was still a little grumpy about the whole... Living situation with Dad. I mean, really, Harry has his uncle's old house to go back to and there's plenty of room in Snape manor for Draco... All right, maybe I'm being a tad insensitive and selfish... But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had spent virtually no time this entire summer living alone with Severus. And he's a lot grumpier and more elusive when it's just the two of us. But, it's only been a day, so I _suppose_ I shouldn't worry.

And another thing! I think Dad's purposely surrounding himself with more and more people in order to reduce my chances of getting him alone to question him about his and his family's horrific shady pasts! I may just have to go back to that devil house, after all.

_And another thing!_ My paycheck was tiny. _Miniscule_, really. I may do absolutely nothing at my job, but I _am_ sacrificing time that I could spend writing or touching butts with Severus.

"You're fuming," Severus observed, oh so helpfully.

"I'll fume all I want!" I was washing the pans and getting water all over the tiles, but the kitchen floor needed a quick rinse anyway.

"Why are you scrubbing those pans? I never see you use magic," he went on, in a more severe tone. "Magic isn't something you can just _stop_ doing."

"Like I have any good use for it!" I shot back. "I don't know any _cleaning_ spells! I'm horrible at magic anyway, I should have just grown up a muggle!" What can I say? I was in a difficult mood.

"You were pretty cheerful just a minute ago," he replied sourly. "I don't have to sit here and deal with your irritating mood swings."

"What would happen if I stopped using magic, anyway? It'll just go back to the way I was when I was a kid, and I made shit float every once in a while. Big deal!"

"Magical buildup drives _most_ people insane." Severus walked up to the sink and pointedly dropped his dirty plate right on top of the pan I was washing. "And I don't think you should be treating such a consequence so flippantly, with _your_ family history." He swooped out of the room, not giving me a chance to reply. How the hell does he swoop when he's in pajamas, anyway!?

Wait just one hot second- had he just showed _concern? _For _ME?_ No way. There was no way that Severus Snape could actually be showing any kind of concern for my well-being. It must have just been that he thought if I went insane then I'd just be even more annoying, and he'd be stuck with me no matter what. But still...

And then those comments! "Magical buildup drives _most_ people insane," and "with _your_ family history..." He knew I was fuming, and of course he was quite aware of what I was fuming _about_. Dad's past, those experiments, his so-called illness... It couldn't possibly be that Severus had dropped me a hint, whether meaning to or not? Or he could have been talking about Laszlo being insane.

Still, it seemed like too much of a coincidence... Magical buildup... People had always said that Dad was pretty shoddy with a wand... Maybe I was reading too much into things. I _do_ tend to jump to conclusions pretty quickly. Like a... Jump to conclusions doormat. Could Dad have stopped using magic at some point? Or maybe those experiments were studying magical buildup? Maybe the reason his wand work was bad was because... His magic was blocked, somehow?

"How long is it going to take you to wash _a single pan?_"

I jumped about three feet into the air when Severus barged into the kitchen and interrupted my deep, deep thought. It was his fault I was so out of it to begin with! "Six months!" I snapped. "Now go get ready!"

"I _am_ ready," he growled.

"Did you take a _shower?_" I growled back.

"Put that damn pan down and go get dressed!" Obviously, he had _not_ taken a shower. Of course.

"You'd better not be smelly!" I warned as I dropped the still-dirty pan into the sink and turned around to glare at him.

Of course, he was wearing the same stuffy black robes he always wears, day in and day out, no matter what the weather may be like. And he had his arms crossed and was giving me a look of consternation from behind a curtain of his _unwashed_ hair. "I used a scouring charm," he replied. "And for your information, _harpy_, I showered last night."

I rolled my eyes, then headed upstairs to get ready for the party. Honestly, Severus can be such a pain in the ass, it's almost not even worth living with him, sometimes. I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, hoping that Severus would take the time to at least rinse the grease out of his hair (yeah right), and made sure that I had everything I might need in my handbag. Once I was absolutely sure that I had everything in proper order, I headed downstairs.

"SEVERUS! I'M READY, LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" I find that it's most effective to simply scream at Severus and wait for him to respond.

Sure enough, he appeared in the entrance hall, grumbling about my unholy screeching or something like that, and we were off to Dad and Remus and Harry and Draco's apartment. God, I liked it so much better when it was just Dad and Remus' apartment. We didn't really talk during the walk there- Severus was glaring at me the whole time, though, for some inexplicable reason. This was explained to me once we had _already_ arrived at Dad's door.

"We could have _apparated_ here," he huffed. "You know, with _magic_."

"Shut up," I replied as Dad swung the door open.

"Well _hello_," he greeted creepily, letting us into his apartment of horrors.

Remus was sitting at the kitchen table, ready to go and sipping at a cup of tea, as usual. "Good morning." He nodded toward us, looking rather serene.

While I bid Remus a good morn, I noticed Dad leaning over and whispering something in Severus' ear out of the corner of my eye.

"AUGH!" Severus returned, rather loudly. "YOU'RE _FILTHY!_"

Dad just laughed.

"You're finally here!" Draco came flouncing out of the bathroom, dressed in his usual posh, expensive-looking robes. This set happened to be a fetching shade of bronze. "Nadia, I need help with my hair- lord knows the three _slovenly hags_ I'm currently shacked up with can't do a thing to aid me."

"Draco, you are by far THE gayest thing on the planet."

"I agree," I agreed with Remus.

"Oh, shut it, the both of you," Draco dismissed, grabbing me by the wrist and dragging me into the bathroom, where Harry was... Crawling around in the tub.

"Hi, Harry." I watched him peer down the drain, noticing that he wasn't wearing glasses. "Lost a contact?"

"_No_," he huffed as Draco rummaged through the medicine cabinet. "Malfoy shrunk my glasses and threw them into the tub. I think they've fallen down the drain."

"Now why would you do something like that?" I asked Draco, feeling rather like the mommy in the situation- of course, that had always been the case whenever I'd been around Harry and Draco in the past, I don't know why I thought it might change.

"Har- _Potter_ was annoying me," he grumbled back, shoving a mountain of hair products into my arms. "Cute dress, by the way."

"Thanks." I'd noticed the slip-up; Harry and Draco _had_ been spending a lot of time together, from what I'd been hearing. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they had somehow miraculously become friends. "So what is it, exactly, that I'm supposed to be doing to your hair?"

"I need your help with _this_." He pointed to the top of his head, where the infamous "Malfoy cowlick" was currently residing. It seemed a lot bigger than it had been the night before.

"Quit being such a poof," Harry muttered, blindly groping his way out of the bathroom.

Draco gave him a sound kick in the rear as he left. "Honestly, he _has_ an extra pair of those horrid glasses. I don't see why he even keeps them in the first place, the things look like they came out of a rubbish bin."

I shrugged. "Sentimental value? Turn around."

Draco turned to face the mirror, making faces in it. "Augh, I look horrendous." He had a point, actually. He was a bit paler than usual, which was much more apparent next to Harry's healthy tan, and had dark circles under his eyes. Also, his nose was rather red and irritated looking.

"You must be getting a cold," I informed him, sorting through the assorted hair crap he'd given me. I chucked half of it, since it was old, grody looking hair gel- the kind he probably used to plaster his hair down with.

"How? It's the summer, it's never cold in _summer_." He wet his fingertips underneath the faucet and smoothed out his eyebrows, then inspected his face again. "Urgh," was his conclusion.

"Looks like you haven't been getting much sleep; overwork lowers your immune system a lot more than cold weather will." I settled on a hair cream, one that apparently tamed frizzy and wavy hair.

"Sorry, _Mum_." He watched as I assaulted his head with the stuff. "Is that all you're using?"

"I did your hair for you all through fifth year and you _still_ don't trust me?"

"I haven't trusted you since that time you punched me in the face," he sniffed indignantly. "Apparently by 'accident.'"

"When are you going to let that go? I was young and foolish, dammit!" I gave a little tug to his hair, just to make it clear that I didn't appreciate the subject being brought up.

"Or what about when you clubbed me with a gigantic rock?"

"That was a _pebble_," I reminded him.

"It was a _boulder!_ I mean, really, I don't see or hear from you for months and all of a sudden you're chucking gigantic chunks of sediment at me!"

I pushed all of Draco's hair forward and left it like that.

"Hey!" He desperately tried to smooth it down while I crossed my arms and glared at his reflection in the mirror.

"Sorry for not keeping in touch, alright?" I took pity on Draco and helped him fix his hair, sighing to myself. "You know, a lot happened."

"Yeah, I was _there_." He rolled his eyes at me via mirror, and I resisted the urge to punch him in the back of the head. "I guess I shouldn't be so hard on you."

"Damn straight! _You_ sure as hell never wrote me!" Alright, so I was making the switch over from contrition to accusation pretty quickly, but... Whatever.

"Ooh, sorry, guess I was busy with the whole dead parents deal," he shot back sarcastically.

"Yeah, your _face_ is sorry." I finally put the finishing touches on his hairdo. "There, now it looks almost as good as mine."

"Bitch, please. There will _never_ come a day when you look more fabulous than me." He checked himself in the mirror, frowning.

"WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!" Harry shouted from the kitchen.

"THEN QUIT STUFFING YOUR FACE, FATTY!" Draco yelled back.

"Charming," I commented. Honestly, those two are totally butt buddies now. "So when are you gonna get gay married and have babies?"

"Ew, sometimes you can be totally disgusting."

"You know that's why you hang out with me in the first place."

"No, the reason I started hanging out with you was because you could talk my way out of _anything_." He sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "Like that time you convinced Professor Flitwick not to give me detention just by explaining the principles of the proper usage of punctuation."

"Oh man, what was that, my fourth year?" I checked my makeup in the mirror, just to make sure I wasn't sweating it all over the place. "I don't even know how you've functioned so far without me."

"Are you two queens ready yet?" Dad stuck his head in the doorway and waggled his eyebrows at us. "If you don't hurry up, it'll be a _baby shower_ by the time we get there." Then he pranced off.

"Honestly," Draco huffed as we exited the bathroom. "He's just excited about what Weasel's reaction will be to me and your manwhore showing up at his doorstep."

"Oh, I'm sure Ronald will get over it," I dismissed.

So, from there we traveled by portkey to the hills just a little ways away from the Burrow (ugh, portkeys) and walked the rest of the way, which Draco complained about _non-stop_. Five minutes of walking. And he complained the _entire_ five minutes. Right up until the moment we arrived at the door.

"...And I don't know if _you_ lot saw it, but I think we may have just tramped through some feces of unidentifiable origin, and if any of you have gotten it on your shoes I will _not_ go near you- I mean, I think I smell it, check your shoes, I smell the poopoo-"

"Shut _up_ already," Harry grumbled.

"You knock on the door, Harry, you're the favorite," I ordered him.

"Oh, you guys are such-"

Dad and I interrupted him by knocking on the door and shoving him to the front of our horrendous group of freaks._ Yes_, in unison. Guhh.

"Ah, Harry!" Mr. Weasley answered the door, smiling. Needless to say, his cheerful disposition didn't last long after he saw Draco, Severus, and Dad. "Oh, ah, hello... Everyone."

"Not to worry, Arthur," Dad replied in a very inappropriately valiant tone. "We've brought gifts!"

"Ah, yes, come in."

I was hoping that Mr. Weasley would freak out and punch Dad in the face or something, but no such luck. Instead, he just led us into the backyard, where the party was BUMPIN'. Nah, I'm kidding. Nobody I know bumps. Yet.

I scanned the crowd for Ginny, but instead got a face full of twin. And of course Severus had mysteriously disappeared from my side, because it's just _way_ too much to ask for him to hang out with me at a party _I_ brought him too.

"Away!" I tried to fend them off with the sign of the cross, but unfortunately they're not as undead as I had anticipated.

"That's harsh, that is," George sighed.

"What did you get our little Ronnie?" Fred asked. "Can we look inside?"

"No you can't," I snapped back. "Because I'm cheap!"

Fred gasped, swooned, and George caught him.

I saw Draco over by the snack table and made a beeline for him before the twins could recover from their joke. Sure, I like them and their insane antics, but I can only actually take them in small doses. "What're you eating, fatty?"

"For your information," Draco sniffed, "I am grabbing a glass of _water_. Which has no calories, unlike _your_ gigantic ass." He daintily sipped at his water after that, and I burst out laughing, except tried to hold it in, so I ended up spitting all over his face.

"I hate you," Draco grumbled as he tried to wipe himself off with a napkin and threw his water away.

"I think we should find the happy couple and offer our congratulations." I was itching to see the drama that would ensue from our guests. "Did you even bring a gift?"

"Nathanyel made me."

"I hadn't pegged him for proper etiquette." I grabbed a handful of some incredibly delectable looking caramel corn, then a handful of Draco, and ran off in search of "Ronnie." As it were.

We didn't have to look far- Dad had accosted them, the poor things, and of course Severus was with him, looming over Hermione (Ron's too tall to loom over, haha) like a freaking vampire with the blues.

"The cavalry has arrived!" I announced with as much gusto as possible. "And Draco!"

"You brought _Malfoy_ with you, too!?" Ron seemed upset, for some mysterious reason.

Why must I love the social torture of others so? "Don't look at me," I replied innocently. "_I_ brought Severus."

"What the hell!?"

"Ron," Hermione tried to be discreet about her scolding, "they're _right here_."

"Oh, _sorry_, I didn't realize that Malfoy and Snape are _right here!_"

"So, you two met in school, did you?" Dad was prattling on like a deaf idiot, which he is. "So did my Nadia and her _lover_," he indicated Severus.

"I'm leaving," Severus announced in a huff the moment Dad's hand twitched toward him, and swooped off. He probably ran off to go hide in the shadows and steal other people's food as they passed by.

"Wait a minute, what?" Hermione looked incredibly confused.

"Oh, gross, I thought Ginny was just kidding about that!" Ron's reaction was better, seeing as it was more disgusted-sounding.

"Go on, tell the story," Dad prompted. Dammit! It just figures that I get my desire to torture others from my dad.

"Um." I glanced at Draco, who shrugged. "I tortured him both physically and mentally until he caved?"

"Ah, it gets me every time!" Dad actually wiped a tear from his eye, the freak.

"Dad... You're an ass."

"You and _Snape?_" Hermione repeated.

"I don't know what your problem is, honestly," Ron started what was to obviously become a rant. "I mean, it's Snape. _Snape_. Does he even _have_ genitals? No, don't answer that. What the hell? He's such a slimy, self-serving-"

"Nadia!" Ginny came running over to us, interrupting Ron. "What's going on here?"

"Ron's just telling me a bunch of stuff about Severus I already know from experience," I replied flippantly.

"Oh, Ronald," Ginny dismissed, much in the way one would dismiss a five-year-old who had just declared the existence of magic. Haha. "If you lot don't mind, I'd like to steal Nadia here for a moment." She grabbed my arm and was about to drag me off when Draco said the unthinkable.

"Hold on!" he declared gayly. "You can't just leave me here with the Boob-Ass, the Weasel, and the Mudblood!"

Oooooooh, ouch, it was painful to just _listen_ to. And of course, it was followed by that heavy, heavy silence. I seriously thought Draco had broken that whole bigotry habit, but I guess when you grow up saying a word...

"_What_ did you just say, _Malfoy?_" Ron ground out.

Draco blinked, staring blankly back at Ron, and I could tell that he didn't even realize he'd made a horrible racial slur against the bride-to-be. Ouch, faux-pas. "I said your fiancee's a dirty Mud-"

That was as far as he got before Ron tackled him. Well, at least they had the good sense to ditch the magic and go for a good old-fashioned hoedown.

"This is so entrancing," I stated as I watched Ron choke Draco.

"Augh, where the _hell_ did Mum go?" Ginny replied.

Dad sidled up to me as Draco landed a crotch-shot and managed to get the upper-hand. "I'm thinking of joining in," he informed me.

"Oh, you'll just ruin it." I took a few steps back as the epic struggled rolled closer to me.

It was just getting good (Ron and Draco were punching each other repeatedly in the face) when all of a sudden, for no good reason, a flash of light and a loud bang sent them flying in opposite directions.

"For the love of _God!_" Severus only brings God into the equation when's he's really put off. "Do I have to break up your fights for the rest of your life, Weasley? Was that why I was even _brought_ to this party?" He stepped into the space where Draco and Ron had previously been _wrastlin'_.

"WHAT!" Ron roared. Yes, it was a statement, not a question. "DID YOU EVEN HEAR WHAT THAT STUCK UP GIT SAID!?"

"No," Severus replied firmly. I LOVE HIM. Ahem. "Come, Draco, I'll get rid of that bloody nose." And thus he swooped off with Draco, which looked extremely gay, and left me once again without my date by my side.

"UNBELIEVABLE!" was Ron's response.

"Would you stop shouting, already?" Ginny snapped at him.

"Ginny's right," Hermione admitted reluctantly, helping Ron up to his feet. "Don't worry, I can get rid of those bruises."

"Man," I commented, "I wish_ Severus _would choke a gay man for _me_."

"Who knows," Ginny muttered. "Maybe he already has."

"Oh, sweet optimism! Say, where're Luna and Colin? They were invited, weren't they?"

"Ah, they haven't shown their treacherous faces yet. I'm sure they'll get here soon- Colin's never too late for dessert." Ginny sighed, looking around at the milling party-goers. "Have you even _tried_ to find people other than Snape to talk to?"

"I talked to Draco. And the twins." Somehow, I didn't think either of those answers would count in Ginny's mind.

"That man is turning you into an anti-social recluse, just like he is."

"And your mum is turning you into a nag, just like she is," I replied.

"No, that would be Charlie's doing." She looked pointedly toward a large concentration of party guests, all discussing something quite jovially.

Personally, I wanted to go see the hilarity of Severus trying to fix up Draco's wounds, but apparently that wasn't going to happen. "Alright, alright, I'll run on over to the party guests and do some social networking, as long as it means you'll stop acting like such a mother."

"Wait a minute-"

"Too late!" With that, I was off to go storm that crowd of guffawers with all my might. Wish me luck, my dear ancestors!

While we're on that subject, you know that feeling you get when you step directly into a conversation that is completely over your head? Yeah, that was pretty much how things went.

Charlie was leading a conversation about the magical properties of something having to do with dragons, I really couldn't follow. In fact, I stopped listening after about five seconds. I looked around to see if there was anyone else I recognized, and somehow Harry seemed to be following the subject pretty well. I saw Bill, with the same glazed over expression I was probably projecting, but he had it easy, he could just walk away at any given moment. _I_, on the other hand, had very publicly entered the debate, and I knew it was going to bite me in the ass.

"...Would _you_ say so?" Some girl who looked twelve turned to me and asked. Obviously, I had no idea what I was supposed to say so about.

"Uh... Yes." When in doubt, just agree with whoever happens to be talking.

"Oh _really?_" she replied in a really condescending tone.

I noticed that everyone was sort of... Paying attention to me. "Yes, really," I answered back in my best impression of Severus. "Why shouldn't I say so, if you'd care to say so yourself... So."

"Well Morton's Third Principle of magical circulation _clearly_ states otherwise." What the _hell_ was this bitch talking about?

"Oh, _Morton_ you say?" I was totally getting into acting like I knew what I was debating. "Morton's so-called 'principles' are _clearly_ unproven theories, and if you ask me they happen to be the unproven theories of an unwashed baboon."

The girl looked affronted, but didn't say anything in reply. Everyone else was staring at me like they expected me to say something else.

"_Furthermore_," I deigned to add, "you're ugly." Then I walked away. Hey, _I_ say that it's better to just quit while you're ahead. In most cases. Besides, you can't really stay in a discussion when you've called one of your fellow debaters ugly. It's just bad etiquette.

Although, I guess I shouldn't have called her ugly to begin with. Oh well! I wandered back to the table full of food and surveyed the crowd. I also grabbed a martini while I was at it. Maybe Ginny was right and Severus really _was_ turning me into a horrible recluse. Still, there had to be someone I could socialize with in that yard. I figured the best place to start would be to go back to Ron and Hermione for an apology... Seeing as how it was their party and Dad and I kind of almost ruined it just for laughs.

I walked over as casually as possible, trying not to look like I just didn't want to move outside my comfort zone. "Heeeyyyyyy there," was my eloquent intro. "Just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you got a gay beat-down and a proper scolding. It's sort of partly my fault, so, um apologies and all."

They both stared at me, not saying a word. Well, while the silent treatment is pretty effective, I'd say it's a rather immature tactic. However, Ron broke the silence pretty quickly.

"_Snape!?_" He flailed his arms in the air. "You brought _Snape_ to _my_ engagement party!?"

"But he's my manwhore. Who else am I supposed to bring?"

"I dunno, what about that kid Colin?"

"Ugh, you know it is like the most pathetic thing in the world to bring your ex to a social event, right?"

Ron glared at me.

"Uhm, apology accepted," Hermione chimed in. "I'm not angry, _really_. I mean, you can't help who you fall in love with, believe me."

"Hey!" Oh, Ronald.

"And it would be _unfair_ of us--" here she gave a stern look to her fiancee-- "to tell you not to bring him with you. After all, you two are living together, so it must be getting serious."

"Er, yeah, very serious. All sincere and stuff." I fiddled with my martini. "So is there anyone from the olden days back when we were youngin's in school who's here that I might want to see?"

They both gave me weird looks, but Hermione answered the question. "Well, uh, Neville's over by the garden." She pointed right at him and his badassitude. It was radiating from him like the bouquet of a fine wine. MY GOD.

"NEVILLE I NEED YOUUUU!!!" I screamed as loudly as possible. "You guys go mingle, and congratulations!" I told the happy couple as I galloped off.

Neville had heard my desperate cry and was frozen in the haze of social awkwardness that only someone from my family could produce. "Uh, hello."

"Awwww, don't be so formal!" I punched him in the arm and finished off my martini. "Shaken, not stirred, am I right?"

"Huh?" He was desperately seeking a way to escape the conversation, I could tell.

"So how're you doing these days, anyway? Still chopping the heads off of shit?"

"No, I'm a herbologist. I, uh, chop the leaves off of plants. Occasionally." He downed the drink he was holding and looked over my shoulder; I think he was trying to catch someone's eye.

"Oh really, how _fascinating_. You know what else is fascinating? I'm with Snape now."

He choked a little on his own spit. "I think I just vomited into my mouth." Or not spit. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely. I live with him in his creepy old mansion and we bicker like an old couple."

"That was less explicit than I was expecting."

"That's just because I really like this dress and I don't want you vomiting all over it. ANYWAY." Time to get to the point! "Are you single in any way shape or form?"

"Yeah, I am." He adjusted the collar of his robes. "...Why?"

"Oh, just wondering." MWAHAHAHAHAHA. "How come you don't have some hottie all over you? You're a catch! You're dependable, you chop the heads off of shit, you have a nice butt--"

"Thanks, but I'm not really that good at dating."

"Workaholic?"

"Kind of." He seemed to be getting increasingly uncomfortable.

"But you _want_ to date, right?"

"Uh, listen, not to be rude or anything, but I'm not into freaky stuff or swinging or whatever-"

"Oh, you!" I punched him in the arm again. "I was only asking because I have another friend of equally single status, and I suspect the two of you would just hit it off!"

"What kind of friend, exactly?" He looked relieved.

"She's a squib, actually. A cynical artist who simply needs the right man to teach her the true meaning of love. Right now she works at an apothecary, but she's got a gallery opening coming up at the end of August and she needs a gentleman to escort her. Her name's Margaret, she lives in Hogsmeade."

"Oh." He seemed to be on the fence.

"It's amazing that the two of us became friends, really," I continued, seeking to seal the deal. "I mean, we have absolutely _nothing_ in common. The two of us are like night and day!"

"Well, I, uh, _am_ going to be in Hogsmeade on business..."

Desperate singletons, seek no further, for Nadia Page has arrived!

"Oh, really? GREAT. Why don't you meet me next Tuesday at the Three Broomsticks around noonish for lunch. Oh you are just _fabulous_, I know you two will adore each other. Toodles!" I bounced away before any protests befell my ears. After pulling something as momentous as getting a blind date for Margaret, I needed to whet my whistle, so I headed in the direction of another martini.

"_There_ you are!" Ginny was headed straight for me, and I knew she had more nagging on her mind, but there was no way to avoid her. "Nadia," She accosted me, pulling me over to the rancid cake Fred and George had brought as an engagement present, thereby securing our privacy.

"What is it?" I was already finishing off the second martini. "No hope for this being a discussion about boys and hair, is it?" I asked plaintively.

"No, it's..." I followed her gaze to where Severus was being his normal sulky little bitch self, brooding in some shadow or whatnot. Gods, what a party pooper.

"Yeah, I thought so." I nodded, watching her look back and forth from him to me and back again. "What about the big galoot? He didn't ruin the party yet, did he? I wouldn't want to miss it."

"It has nothing to do with the party," she snapped, looking and sounding an awful lot like her mum. It was pretty scary, actually. "Are you _really_ insane enough to actually be _serious_ about Snape?"

"Well, that all depends on what you mean. Personally, I think he's serious enough for the both of us." I was getting pretty uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going.

"Alright, I'm not going to stand here and bullshit all day- I know you too well for that. What I mean is, when all this started," she waved her hands around in the air, which pretty much could have indicated her entire back yard, "I thought you were just going along for a lark. Even when you shacked up with Snape, I figured, you know- you liked him alright, wanted a little piece for yourself and all, and you know I was _fairly_ alright with it-"

"Your point being?" I prodded, getting ready for an assault that only a woman of Ginny's family could make.

"You actually want to _date_ the man and- I don't know what else, probably get married and have his babies!"

"Well, that would be the eventual goal," I sighed, exasperated.

"You can't be serious."

"If this is going to turn into a lecture about Severus being a slimy git who's twice my age, I'd rather just eat a piece of Fred and George's mystery cake." I knew that my reluctance to discuss the issue wasn't going to even slow her down.

"You and I both know that being an old slimy git is just Snape's general personality, and I wouldn't be bothering you so much if that was the main issue." Ginny leveled a very sincere gaze at me, and I couldn't bring myself to run off screaming into the crowd.

"Fine. So why, then, are you chewing my ear off?"

"He doesn't seem to..." She paused, furrowing her brow. "I mean, not to sound insensitive, but he doesn't seem to _care_ much about you... Or at all, really. He doesn't even seem to enjoy your company."

"Oh, that's just Severus," I dismissed, watching him scowl fiercely at anyone who came within five feet of him.

"But haven't you noticed anything off about the way he treats you, or talks to you, or acts around you, or even talks _about_ you? Other than him being a regular old slimy git, I mean."

"Nothing in particular," I replied nonchalantly. Well, aside from him openly declaring his dislike for me, I think that's going a bit far, but I wasn't about to say anything to Ginny.

"Nadia, you need to get a grip! Snape is better tempered to his Gryffindor students, and that's really saying something. Don't even try to tell me he's not always like that, either, because I've stayed with you at that house and he _is_ always like that. He- he treats you like a maid, _ignores_ or avoids you when he doesn't want sex or food, puts you down all the time-"

"Yeah, that's normal for us," I interrupted her, casually examining my fingernails. "He makes up for it with the sex."

"That's my point! And you know you care about more than sex, think about it! You've gotten used to the way he treats you, that doesn't mean it's good for you." She actually looked _worried_. "I'd say you've got too much sense for this kind of thing, but you don't really have good taste in men to being with."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" I growled, obviously prickling at her insinuation.

"Sorry," she quickly replied. "But let me just tell you this one last thing- maybe then you'll see what I'm talking about."

"Go on." I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes.

"Snape never_ ever_ calls you by name, not even when he's talking about you to someone else."

I blinked, surprised by her allegations. "That can't be true. He's called me by name before- like the day we left Hogwarts."

"Oh, sorry, forgot about his careful seduction- have you heard your name out of his mouth since? And 'Miss Page' _doesn't_ count." Ginny was getting quite sassy, and all I really wanted to do was enjoy the party.

But when I thought about it, _really_ thought about it, I couldn't remember a single time after that one day that he'd called me by name. Not even during sex! "Well, I'm sure there are times I can't remember."

"Uhuh," she shot back. "He calls you 'The Beast,' 'Harpy,' 'Nathanyel's demonic spawn,' and occasionally 'Parasite.' And I'm sure he's got plenty of other pet names for you, too, and the worst part is that he does it so much, _everyone_ knows he's talking about you!"

"That's... That can't be right." I glanced at Severus, whose frown was probably touching the grass by then. "He must say my name _some_ time! I mean, my dad-"

"Doesn't make a difference, I've heard him call you names to your dad, too."

"Well, I'm sure there's a reason," I huffed, put off that she'd actually made a point.

"Yeah, maybe he thinks if he doesn't call you by name he won't have to think of you as a person," she remarked snidely, glaring at Severus.

"Ginny, I know you're just trying to be a good friend, but I was under the impression that today might be the one day in my entire summer that didn't involve either a fight or a life-changing realization. Do you think we could just discontinue the conversation for now?" I looked her straight in the eye, one of Ginny's few weaknesses, and she backed down.

"_Fine_." She threw her hands up in surrender, looking about as exasperated with me as Severus usually is. "But you have to promise me that you'll think about what I said."

"Oh, I'll think about it alright," I replied. After all, she _had_ made a point with the whole name thing- and I wasn't really in a generous enough mood to let _that_ slide. If it was indeed true, that is. Perhaps I'd try to get him to say my name during the party- it certainly wasn't a bad idea.

I skulked off, scanning the crowd. It wasn't long before I found who I was looking for; after all, he was the gayest thing at the party. "DRACO!"

"Away, wench!"

"I need your help."

"What is it?" He was grooming himself, using his reflection in a spoon as a reference point.

"I wanna see if I can get Severus to actually say my name."

"Not going to happen, not even in a million years," he replied flatly.

"Oh, _come on_." I tugged on his sleeve like a three-year-old. "Please? Please please please please please?"

"Fine, but we won't succeed." He threw the spoon over his shoulder, hitting another party guest in the head with it. "I don't see how I'm supposed to help you, anyway."

"Moral support!" I replied insistently.

"Like the moral support you gave me when my parents died, right."

"Shut the hell up and let's go!" I grabbed Draco and dragged him over to where Severus was standing, trying my best to make it look like Draco was the one leading. Unfortunately, Severus probably isn't that stupid. "Why hello there, _Severus_, my dearest love," I greeted casually.

"Yeah, hi," he grunted.

"You know, _Severus_, I was just talking to Draco and I just think it is so sweet how you helped fix him up, _Severus_." I punched Draco in the arm to get him to say something.

"Ow," he whined, rubbing at where I punched him. Good enough.

Severus raised an eyebrow and stared at me for a moment. "Am I... In trouble?"

"Of course not!" I chortled "_Severus_." I punched Draco again, hoping it would elicit some more stimulating conversation than "ow".

"That's it," Draco spat, "you're on your on." He then stomped gayly off into the crowd.

I watched him go, dragging my security blanket along with him. "Well, then." It was at that moment that I was struck by a simply _marvelous_ idea. "That's it!" I shouted aloud.

Severus jumped a little, then took a step back from me. "Are you drunk?"

"Introduce me to some people you know!" I ordered immediately. If Severus were introducing me to somebody who'd never met me before, he would _have_ to say my name. There was no avoiding it!

"...Alright," he agreed reluctantly, scanning the the milling crowd of people, all giving the two of us a very wide berth. Finally, he apparently recognized someone. "Mr. Harris!" he called out, sounding more like he was going to scold someone than make idle conversation.

A completely unremarkable looking man with wavy brown hair froze in his tracks, staring back at us with wide eyes as we approached in our own unique way. "Professor Snape!" He didn't sound happy.

Severus loomed darkly over him. "Ah, if it isn't Timothy Harris. Still sharp as a broom handle, are you?"

Timothy Harris was practically cowering.

"I suppose introduction are in order," he snarled, gesturing toward me. "This is the leech who is slowly bleeding me dry. Leech, this is a bumbling idiot of Longbottom magnitude. Have at it." With that, he swooped away.

Alas, I had failed. "Sorry about that, Timmy, nice to meet you." I chased after Severus, completely ignoring the terrified grown man who was ready to faint. "Waitaminute!" I could've sworn I could hear him groan.

"What is it _now?_" He turned around with a grimace planted firmly on his face.

"Introduce me to someone else!" I tugged on Severus' arm, dragging him in the direction of a group of older witches and wizards. "You must know one of them!"

"What is _wrong_ with you?" He tried to resist me, but, as in most cases, he failed.

"Well, if it isn't Severus Snape," some woman in inappropriately formal attire remarked snidely.

"Oh, you two know each other?" I jumped in, elbowing Severus. "Introduce us!"

"This is Loretta Hopkirk," he sighed. "She used to be a whore. Loretta, this is the vulture who is currently circling over me."

"Well!" Loretta didn't seem impressed. In fact, she completely stormed off.

I forced Severus to introduce me to three more people, but he did the same thing every time. I needed to regroup and come up with a new plan. It would appear that I would have to go crawling back to Ginny.

It wasn't difficult to break away from Severus and find Ginny, mostly because Severus was trying to get away from me and Ginny was trying to find me. We met up near the back door to the house, where she was greeting some guests.

"Colin! Luna!" I ran up to the three of them, waving my arms in the air like I just didn't care. We all shared a super gay group hug, and then I spilled my guts about the name thing. Who better to help me in my quest than the original S.S.?

"You could just dump him," Colin offered, probably because he still hated Severus for some reason.

"Or you could have a heartfelt talk with him, really get to the root of the problem and come to a deeper understanding of each other," Luna added.

We all stared at her a moment, then shook our heads. "Naahhhhh."

"I just don't know," Ginny sighed. "I mean, short of getting him drunk, you really have no more options."

"You're a genius!" I grabbed Ginny by the shoulders and shook her. "I just have to get Severus drunk!"

"I wasn't being serious!" she snapped, pulling away. "And don't shake me!"

"It's the perfect plan, though. You guys all have to help me, we can spike his drinks for the next few hours, and once he gets tipsy he'll let his guard down. Then he'll be ripe for the picking!" I rubbed my hands together, laughing maniacally, but nobody joined in. After a while, I stopped. "What's wrong, guys?"

Colin was the first to speak up. "I don't know how to put this, Nadia, but..."

"You're crazy," Luna finished for him.

"I don't get," I informed them. I really didn't, actually. "A couple of months ago you guys would've helped me pull off a crazy plan like this! Hell, weren't we just playing pranks on Severus and being all... Carefree and stuff? What's the deal?"

"This isn't some prank," Ginny said. "This is your relationship, and your life we're talking about. We're here to support you, and hey, give us a call whenever you need to make Snape's life hell, but... You should be able to face this problem without a crazy scheme or a half-baked prank."

I stared at them, and Colin and Luna nodded in agreement. "Well, fine then!" I grabbed another martini out of Bill's hand as he passed by and downed it, then threw the glass on the ground. It didn't break dramatically like I hoped it would, seeing as the grass cushioned its landing. "I'll do it on my own!" I turned around, stumbled a little bit, and headed for the drinks table. Luckily for me, Severus was already standing there. "Aha!" I shouted, pointing at him.

"What _now?_" He scowled at me, sidling away from the table.

I grabbed a martini, drank it, then threw the glass down again. "Have a drink!" It still didn't break.

"You really _are_ drunk, aren't you?" He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "Wonderful."

"I challenge you to have a drink!" I challenged. "It's a men's challenge!" I grabbed another martini and held it up to his face, giving him my most challenging look.

He delicately plucked the martini glass from my hand and placed it back on the table. "I should probably take you home before you actually _do_ break something. And just my luck, too, I was hoping another fight would break out..."

"You dare decline a _men's challenge!?_" I seethed. Then I remembered that the whole point of the plot was subtlety. "Okay, then. Have this non-alcoholic drink here!"

"That's still a martini," he sighed, grabbing my arm. "As much as I would like to see you ruin this engagement party, anything you do to embarrass yourself would also be an embarrassment to _me_. Now come along."

"But the party's just getting started!" I held up the martini glass to him. "Hey, wait, it's empty now."

"Because you _drank_ it," he snapped.

"OH!" I tossed the glass over my shoulder, and it hit an innocent bystander in the head.

"Ow," I thought I heard him say. "First a spoon and now this."

Severus physically dragged me into the house, and even though I fell once he didn't stop. "I'll ask Weasley for something you get you back on your feet long enough to make it to the portkey, and then we're out of here."

"What about Dad and Draco and Harry and Remus?" I asked, marveling at how it was possible to feel weightless and heavy as lead at the same time.

"_They_ can actually _apparate_," he spat. "Excuse me," he then accosted Mrs. Weasley, acting remarkably polite. "Buffoon Jr. had a bit too much to drink--"

"Here you go," she interrupted, producing a vial from a pocket in her dress. "I always know to be prepared at one of these parties. Nadia, I hope you feel better dear." She bustled off after that, probably to do some more damage control.

"Here." Severus shoved the vial into my hands and watched as I drank it.

"D'you hope _I_ feel better?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows. "_Severus?_"

"The effects of this potion should hit you in a couple of minutes, though it'll only last about half an hour. Now, let's go." He once again physically dragged me away, but by the time we were out of the Burrow I had sobered up quite a bit and was able to walk on my own.

It was a disappointing feeling, to say the least. I was sulking all the way to the portkey that would take us home and I could tell that Severus _knew_ I was sulking, because when he knows I'm in a bad mood he gets... Well, I guess "hesitant" would be the word for it. Or maybe "cautious." In any case, I was pissed that Ginny seemed to be right about the name thing, and I was determined to let him know, even if he wasn't exactly sure what I was pissed _about_.

"You know," he commented as we approached the portkey, "I've been thinking, today."

"What a feat," I replied drily. "Would you like a reward?"

He stopped walking and glared at me, that tick in his jaw going off. He was pissing me off so much that I couldn't even bring myself to find it attractive. "Obviously, you are too much of an ungrateful, tactless _child_ to listen to me. And since that is the case, _your father_ can take care of you, because _I_ certainly won't."

"Fine, what is it?" I sighed, getting the hint.

"I was thinking of your lack of enthusiasm toward using magic- when was the last time you cast a spell, even?"

I blinked, taken aback. He was really, genuinely concerned about me? _That_ was certainly something new. "Umm... When Ginny, Luna, and Colin were over, I think. No, wait, I may have apparated one or two times since then."

"I see." The tick in his jaw was still going. "And it never occurred to you that perhaps you _should_ be using magic?"

I shrugged. "I haven't really had an occasion to." It was true. I knew that most witches and wizards used magic in their day-to-day lives and chores, and in their jobs and such, but I had never really seen fit to. I work at a crappy little apothecary, and I want to write for a living- and I really don't see a reason to use magic for things that I could do just as well by muggle methods. I mean, it seems lazy to me, and I don't really want to be any lazier than I already am. I guess I'd always just seen magic as something to be used for travel, or for defense... Or some sort of exceptional situation, like trying to clean up after Uncle Kristo. Although, he was surprisingly cleanly as a house guest.

"Well, I'm _giving_ you occasions to use magic, and you'd damn well better do as I say."

I crossed my arms and pouted, but didn't interrupt him.

"You'll be my assistant."

My mouth nearly dropped open at that. "Your _potions_ assistant?"

"What else would you assist me with?" he snarled.

I just stared at him, dumbfounded. I never thought that, even in a million years, even if it was a matter of life and death, that Severus would allow me anywhere _near_ his potions lab. I mean, I had seen it... But getting _permission_ is a completely different story!

"You'll be starting tomorrow." He was actually going to spend time with me! _Quality_ time, not just eating or having sex or complaining about my writing. "I expect absolute discipline from my assistants, I'll have you know. Most don't last more than a month." Hey, it's better than Dad's track record- most of his apprentices don't last a week.

"Okay then," I managed to get out my throat, though barely. I was already planning the dirty sexy hijinks that would ensue from the arrangement.

"And don't think it's going to be all dirty sexy hijinks, either."

"Awww _man_."

He rolled his eyes, but I thought I noticed his expression soften a little. "Well... Maybe a _little_ bit."

I grinned, grabbing his ass. So what if he didn't say my name at one stupid party? Working as lab partners was going to bring us closer than ever, and I was looking forward to it.

--- --- --- --- --- --- ---

---

A/N: DEAR GOD! At this rate I may be able to finish this fic up by the time flying cars are invents. *Crosses fingers.* I know the updates are insanely infrequent, but this is something I write for laughs in my spare time, and being a workaholic doesn't leave much of that. I'll be graduating college soon and thus unemployed, though, so maybe I'll have more time for fanfiction. Anyway, ONWARD.


End file.
